Trauma/invalidation/genetics cause BPD... then what?

[TDeer]

I'm reading "Toxic Inlaws" currently and I came across an "in-law myth", that I hear my BPD MIL believed.

"Things will get better after we get married". According to "Toxic In Laws" this is a myth. "They might, they might also get worse. If they didn't warm to you while you were dating, it's highly unlikely that they'll approve of you after the wedding". (Slightly paraphrased)

Anyway, according to what my husband tells me, my BPD MIL believed this about her father and her first husband. She believed that if she married her first husband, then her father would eventually approve. She was wrong.

So... .is this possibly the reason why BPD MIL is such a terror when it comes to weddings? It seems that everyone with BPD is terrible with weddings because they fear abandonment.

Is this possibly why she turns (splits) on people when it has to do with weddings?

[Kwamina]

Hi TDeer

So... .is this possibly the reason why BPD MIL is such a terror when it comes to weddings? It seems that everyone with BPD is terrible with weddings because they fear abandonment.

Is this possibly why she turns (splits) on people when it has to do with weddings?

An intense fear of abandonment is often at the heart of many of the difficult behaviors people with BPD exhibit, especially coupled with the general distorted thinking and distorted perception pwBPD struggle with. Looking at my own uBPD mother, all major occasions were highly difficult for her because she does not handle stress very well at all which only further distorts her thinking and perception. All my major steps towards independence (high school, college, moving out etc.) were accompanied with extreme BPD behaviors from my mother. Looking back now I can say that these events triggered a fear of abandonment in her and that she felt threatened, almost like an existential threat.

Anyway, according to what my husband tells me, my BPD MIL believed this about her father and her first husband. She believed that if she married her first husband, then her father would eventually approve. She was wrong.

It could be that your MIL believing in this " myth" was a result of her distorted thinking and perception. There are also other explanations possible though. It could also just be that she was just hoping that getting married would make things better because she did not feel there was anything else she could do to change the situation. Perhaps she had unsuccessfully also tried other things to get her father's approval and was seeing this as the only option left that might make an uncomfortable situation better.

[Turkish]

I think the saddest thing is when there is some awareness,  yet the cycle repeats, as with the mother of my children. 

Weddings, birthdays... .even as normal and benign event like going to the mall 1 mile away on a Saturday morning,  these can be triggers for someone with a disordered world view who is also at the mercy of often uncontrollable emotions. 

[Notwendy]

My mother tends to act up at any family gathering not just weddings. I can recall graduations, birthdays, all kinds of events.

Personally, I don't have a good psychological reason for it. I think she has poor emotional regulation. She wants to be the center of attention. I also think it triggers her insecurities- she wants to look just right, everything has to be just right.

It is similar to taking a small toddler to the state fair, letting the child eat a bunch of sugary junk food, skipping naptime, being out in public with a bunch of people, noise, activities. Lots of fun and a recipe for a tantrum.

[TDeer]

I think the saddest thing is when there is some awareness,  yet the cycle repeats, as with the mother of my children. 

Weddings, birthdays... .even as normal and benign event like going to the mall 1 mile away on a Saturday morning,  these can be triggers for someone with a disordered world view who is also at the mercy of often uncontrollable emotions. 

Thank you!

What I'm not thinking about is... .children. We've crossed the hurdle of getting married, which should have been pure joy. There was a lot of joy, but a lot of stress and heartache and drama and frustration too. We are in a much better place than a year ago when we didn't know what was going on!

That said, I've still only seen BPD MIL one time since we've been married. It took 2-3 weeks of planning to make ONE birthday celebration go well. It took multiple non-BPDs support and being out in public, medium chill, etc. to deal. It took a lot of husband having to ignore tantrums from BPD MIL beforehand and non-BPD SIL chastising BPD MIL in order for her to go since I was going. Long story short, it went well because we were in public.

What will we do when we'd like to have children? My husband and I aren't quite ready yet, but we think about it and try to figure out what "ready" looks like for us.

I'd like to have a mental plan set up for how to manage BPD MIL for when it's time to have kids.

I know my husband will deal with her. I've tried to send her olive branches, but she's not interested. At least she hasn't been thus far.

What do we look out for?

I have her blocked on my phone, email, and social media so that I don't have to worry about that. So that I don't say the "wrong thing" and then she takes it the wrong way, etc. That way I'm never in private with her ever.

She still says things about me that aren't true, but I can't control that.

What are some things we can do?

[Notwendy]

I don't think there is one way to handle this as pwBPD are different. There is also the relationship with your FIL.

One of my boundaries was to not leave my small children or infants alone with my mother. Not because I thought she would abuse them ( she was motivated to be a good grandma) but because I didn't think she has any child care skills and they would not be safe with her. This wasn't much of an issue as my father was great with kids, and they were always together, so I wasn't concerned about leaving my small children with him.

My mother became more of a concern when the kids got older- pre-teen to teen. My mother has poor boundaries and this was the main issue. Once they were old enough to be useful to her, she began to enlist them as emotional caretakers. She also tried to triangulate them against me. She would try to lure them off to be alone with her. It was easy to control this when they were little, but as preteens I wasn't always keeping an eye on them. So she'd try to get them one on one to say bad things about me to them. She also was very intrusive into their personal lives. When I was a teen she did this with me, shared TMI with me, expecting me to do the same with her. I then set boundaries with her and this caused a lot of conflict between me and my parents.

My father was an amazing grandfather and I am glad he had a relationship with the kids. The kids were on to my mother fairly early on .They have good boundaries and I encouraged that. So my mother doesn't really influence them much. I felt I had to protect them before they gained enough maturity to learn how to deal with her. Once they were old enough to understand mental illness, I explained her condition to her. That wasn't easy- I didn't want to triangulate, but I think it helped them gain tools to deal with her. I shared some from this board with them.

I didn't have all this planned. I just had to pay attention to where my mothers issues were a problem and when they were not. Ironically it was less of a problem when they were little. I took this one step at a time.