Spouse creating conflict with family

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I have been married for 8 months, but in a relationship with this girl for over 8 years.

The relationship has always had sprinkles of very rocky moments in between all the great ones that I was hoping marriage would fix. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

I'm posting here because of my most recent crisis. My family, who has always been very warm and welcoming to my wife, has recently been the focus of her attacks. I feel scared to tell her anything involving them. A little over a month ago I took a 15 minute phone call from my parents and she said I ruined the night because I took that call and she'll never be number one in my life (I had just spent all weekend with her on a vacation and when I took the phone call when we were back home... .she was alone in a separate room studying when I answered so it isn't like I let the call interrupt anything. The call was to just catch up- I typically talk to them about 30 minutes a week).

My parents, who live an hour away, invite us to holidays and dinners sometimes. Attending these are never high on her priority list and when she does attend I'm always on eggshells waiting for someone to say something that is going to rub her wrong. It's almost like clockwork... .see my family, get in the car going home and about 5 seconds into the ride she'll start going off on what bothered her.

Last night I took a risk. My only sibling texted me saying she was bummed my wife wasn't coming to Easter on Sunday. This is because instead of us being able to see both families my wife decided she needs to spend the entire day with hers (our two families live 20 minutes apart and my family planned a lunch instead of a dinner so we could go to both). I took a risk and shared this with my wife. Instead of feeling happy that my family wanted her around, she said that text was my mom being manipulative. She started attacking me. She started yelling and announced she didn't want to be part of my family as she grabbed her toothbrush and overnight bag and then walked out to her car. She eventually came back and I told her to basically stay away from me, took off my wedding ring and threw her pillow on the couch where she spent the night.

Has anyone else had issues with a spouse trying to make any interaction with your family a bad thing?

[Thereeldeel]

Hello all,

I have been married for 8 months, but in a relationship with this girl for over 8 years.

The relationship has always had sprinkles of very rocky moments in between all the great ones that I was hoping marriage would fix. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

I'm posting here because of my most recent crisis. My family, who has always been very warm and welcoming to my wife, has recently been the focus of her attacks. I feel scared to tell her anything involving them. A little over a month ago I took a 15 minute phone call from my parents and she said I ruined the night because I took that call and she'll never be number one in my life (I had just spent all weekend with her on a vacation and when I took the phone call when we were back home... .she was alone in a separate room studying when I answered so it isn't like I let the call interrupt anything. The call was to just catch up- I typically talk to them about 30 minutes a week).

My parents, who live an hour away, invite us to holidays and dinners sometimes. Attending these are never high on her priority list and when she does attend I'm always on eggshells waiting for someone to say something that is going to rub her wrong. It's almost like clockwork... .see my family, get in the car going home and about 5 seconds into the ride she'll start going off on what bothered her.

Last night I took a risk. My only sibling texted me saying she was bummed my wife wasn't coming to Easter on Sunday. This is because instead of us being able to see both families my wife decided she needs to spend the entire day with hers (our two families live 20 minutes apart and my family planned a lunch instead of a dinner so we could go to both). I took a risk and shared this with my wife. Instead of feeling happy that my family wanted her around, she said that text was my mom being manipulative. She started attacking me. She started yelling and announced she didn't want to be part of my family as she grabbed her toothbrush and overnight bag and then walked out to her car. She eventually came back and I told her to basically stay away from me, took off my wedding ring and threw her pillow on the couch where she spent the night.

Has anyone else had issues with a spouse trying to make any interaction with your family a bad thing?

[PeteWitsend]

Boy this sure sounds like what I go through w/my uBPDw.

Yes... .generally she causes family issues.  

she really, really does not like my mom, and makes a huge deal if I even mention her, and uses that same line about "not being #1 in" my life.  Whatever that means.  my mom lives over 1,000 miles away, and visits once or maybe twice a year.  and I talk to her maybe once a week (always away from home now)

I'm very unhappy with the situation.  Holidays get particularly hard.  My wife is high functioning and I love her, but she is exhausting to deal with.  The family issues aren't yet enough to move me to leave her, but I have considered it on a number of occasions.

A few things that helped out: if you can trust your family members not to say anything, let them know not to take anything your wife says personally.  Like any normal person, when they get accused of some outrageous actions, they'll want to try to defend themselves, instead of ignoring the allegations and trying to validate the person's feelings.  If they are prepared to deal with your wife's outbursts, it helps everyone navigate what I like to call "the rough water."

Also, understand that it'll probably get a lot worse before it gets better, if it ever does.  Learning to set boundaries and enforce them helps in the long run, although be prepared for a lot of short term fighting over your attempts to set the boundary.  I started telling my wife there are some topics I simply won't discuss with her anymore, and its not because I don't care about her feelings, but because she's using those topics to attack me.  she HATES this, but is grudgingly accepting it

another thing that helps my mental well-being (at least for now): being prepared to leave (like move out completely) if you have to.  I've talked to an attorney about likely divorce outcomes, talked to some friends who told me they could loan me money in a pinch if needed, and I also have some assets I could liquidate my that my wife can't touch.

also: consider yourself lucky you don't have kids with her.  seriously.

[TommyBahama]

Has anyone else had issues with a spouse trying to make any interaction with your family a bad thing?

All the time, I am going through this right now.  They have their own sense of reality and how they see things which are often not true.  It could be something simple like the 15 minute call you spoke about and they will act like you have ripped their heart from their body.

[Thereeldeel]

Thank you both for helping me to feel not alone in dealing with this. It can be a nightmare.

What is ironic is that I always wanted a family and one of the things that attracted me to her is that I thought she would make a good mom. She doesn't take herself too seriously and can be quite goofy so little kids love her. Additionally, she was never the type to do drugs or sleep around (I met her young and finding this type of girl was rare) and I was attracted to that responsibility.

Now it seems like at least once every couple of months I find myself alone somewhere recovering from an angry outburst thanking god that I don't have any kids at home I have to worry about

I'm expecting to move in a few months across the country, alone, for a few months of training for a new career. I'm hoping that time apart will give me some perspective regarding what to do moving forward.

What scares me a lot is that last night I was disgusted by how she was acting. I couldn't fake patience and just wanted to be left alone when she came back. She was badgering me "that I better fix this" even though she created the mess... .she wanted me to apologize to her. When I was laying down in bed asking her to leave she asked if she needed to call the cops because I was being aggressive. I was literally laying down with my hands behind my head in a position I normally fall asleep in. I established a mental ground rule that if she ever calls the police on me for just laying in my bed I'm filing for divorce the next day

[DaddyBear77]

That's a big 10-4 on the "me too" - I've posted a lot about it, including my recent "secret" trip to visit my parents.

I remember the drives back from my parents house after holidays, back when that was even a possibility. We had about a 6 hour drive and every time it would be a non stop beratement and gripe fest.

As LuckyJim said, it's likely to get worse. Right before my daughter was born, my wife cut my parents out of her life and insisted that I do the same. It's been a huge struggle ever since.

My one big piece of advice is, no matter how hard she pushes or pleads, do NOT cut off contact with your family of origin. Do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship, assuming that it's a healthy interaction. And don't let your partner convince you something is unhealthy or wrong with your parents. Trust your own gut, talk to a therapist, seek advice from healthy friends.

Good luck Thereeldeal

[Thereeldeel]

That's a big 10-4 on the "me too" - I've posted a lot about it, including my recent "secret" trip to visit my parents.

I remember the drives back from my parents house after holidays, back when that was even a possibility. We had about a 6 hour drive and every time it would be a non stop beratement and gripe fest.

As LuckyJim said, it's likely to get worse. Right before my daughter was born, my wife cut my parents out of her life and insisted that I do the same. It's been a huge struggle ever since.

My one big piece of advice is, no matter how hard she pushes or pleads, do NOT cut off contact with your family of origin. Do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship, assuming that it's a healthy interaction. And don't let your partner convince you something is unhealthy or wrong with your parents. Trust your own gut, talk to a therapist, seek advice from healthy friends.

Good luck Thereeldeal

Thank you for the advice- I will get divorced and leave her if it comes to the point of her creating that big of a rift. She's the most important person in my life, but I refuse to put myself in a position where she is the only important person in my life

[dacoming]

I can definitely relate to this!  It's to the point now that I hear about it at least once a week, often more.  She feels my family does not like or accept her or the kids (primarily our daughters, technically my stepdaughters).  The girls feel the same way.  However, my family always asks about them when I talk to them and never says anything negative.  They basically swear that they have no issues with them.  I feel my wife has higher expectations for me and my family that she has for her own, even herself.  Her reasoning behind her thinking is nobody has ever called the girls or sent them birthday cards when they were younger, didn't come to their graduation, don't engage enough when we've visited.  There were a couple of times over the years where my aunt made comments that offended my wife and I could see how she could have gotten offended.  I addressed the issues with my aunt and there have been nothing else (at least that I can see).  She refuses to even acknowledge that I addressed any issues because she wanted me to do it in front of her.  I think that's a bad idea so I address it alone.  Am I wrong for that?  My wife seems to get offended at EVERY comment, text, look, etc.  The comments my aunt used to make were based on my wife not working... .she was concerned that too much was being put on me and causing us to struggle financially when my wife could be helping.  I told her that those are my family issues and for her not to be making comments about it again.  Over the last few years, my aunt has called or texted my wife on her birthdays, Mothers Day, holidays.  Most of those times, my wife never responded back.  My Mom sent her a card for her birthday and/or Mother's day last year and my wife refused to even open it.  In fact, she raged because my Mom neglected to include our daughter in wishing her a Happy Mother's Day.  I spoke with my Mom about this and she simply said she didn't think about it... .it was nothing pointed or malicious.  My wife is under the impression that my family supports, calls and attends events for everyone else and their kids except us which simply is not true.  If you invite my Aunt to something (not necessarily my Mom), she will make every effort to come.  In fact, she attempted to come to our youngest daughter's graduation but by the time I got back to her on the date, she had already agreed to attend one of my cousin's graduation, which was the same day.  I told my wife this and she refuses to believe that... .although I was telling her my aunt was asking way back when it was happening.  She blows up in a serious rage and accuses me of always defending my family and putting them ahead of our family which is simply not true.  I rarely speak to most of my family (usually away from the house) so I'm still trying to figure out how I'm putting them ahead. 

[ohmygod]

This is very common issue Im afraid. When you guys talk about this it is like you describe my ex wife. Like it is the same person. Wow to that... .

My ex-wife still sends me angry messages about my family. Also she was cheating on me with a guy on the internet and now has come up with a story that he actually is my friend and is working together with me agaisnt her! What a laugh... .I never seen the man or had any contact with him.

Also Im very familiar with her wanting me to fix things in front of her. This is contraproductive and actually sounds demeaning as if she cant trust me but must hear for herself... .

Anyway two things I have to say. Thank dear God in heavens you do not have children with this woman as things usually go nuts when the baby is born. Every small detail and nonsense becomes twisted, every gift, e v e r y thing... .

Send and last, it does not help to go along with what she wants as you will end up alienated from your family and friends and when/if she dumps you will be ALONE.

You have the right to have a normal rs with your family and friends.

You have the right to not hide or be afraid when you contact them.

You have the right to visit them.

If she has a problem with this then that is HER problem not yours.