Re: Introduction

[SylverFyre]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  My daughter is 15, and she has BPD.
      

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  At least four of my family members exhibit traits, though none are diagnosed.  

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  Sarcasm, wit, she's quick to give a hug, and she has a never-ending willingness to forgive and see the best in people. She also has an amazing talent for writing.    

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  Though she claims that she doesn't feel invincible, she acts as if she does. She drinks, does drugs, and self-harms. School is just "too much" for her, and I'm afraid that she isn't going to have the life that SHE wants (as opposed to the life I'd ideally want FOR her - I let that go a LONG time ago).  

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  Her dishonest and manipulative behavior coupled with her need to be around people constantly.  

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  Partially diagnosed. I was told by my daughter's therapist, nearly three years ago, that she *would* be diagnosed, but she didn't want to formally do so until my daughter turned 17. She'll be 16 in July.    

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  I'm terrified that my daughter's behaviors will result in consequences that could get her 4-year-old brother removed from our home or that one day she'll cut too deep or take one risk too many. I don't sleep much.
    

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  
  My daughter was *supposed* to be going into residential DBT/equine therapy, but she somehow talked her new therapist into holding off, for the time being. I'm hoping that she sees the error of her ways rather quickly. I believe it's my daughter's best chance.  

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  I'm hoping to give and get support and advice, as well as better coping mechanisms.  

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi SylverFyre,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're not getting much sleep, you must feel pretty exhausted, it has to be difficult for you to go through this when D15 ( daughter + age ) displays BPD traits, it sounds like clinging behavior when you say that she has to be around someone constantly, you have a toddler, I have a toddler too, I bet that your battery gets drained some days. I'd like to start with you, you mentioned T for your D15, I'm also sorry that her therapy is being delayed, I can see how disappointed that may feel because the road to recovery would start for her. We're not sure what the future holds, she's still a young woman, she has a lot of time ahead of her.

Are you seeing a T for yourself? It helps to talk to a T and talk to a support group, one that you just joined here, you'll find a lot of similarities in other peoples stories if you check the other discussions, you're not alone. This is a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated or judged for it.

Have you talk to your GP or an MD about having a difficult time with falling asleep or staying asleep?  What's your support system like in real life? Can you turn to a non judgemental family member or friend? What do you do for self care?

I don't know if you have heard about radical acceptance, I mentioned earlier that there is a possibility that your D will recover but maybe it will help you with how things are now. It sounds like you have partially radically accepted her, we can feel a lot of grief when we wish that a family member would let themselves get help for their issues, we can let go of a lot of that grief if we embrace them for who they are. I'll leave a couple of links here with you to look at if you want  

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[SylverFyre]

Hello Mutt. Thank you for the warm welcome.

I am not currently able to see a T for myself, though I plan on looking into what resources the county I live in has for the community.

We've been on such a roller-coaster the last few months, with BPDd15's escalating behavior leading from one crisis to another, that I have been overwhelmed. Mostly by those reacting to my daughter's behavior. I know her and love her for who she is. They want her to be neurotypical (AND NOW!), and she's just not, nor would I want her to be. I've spent the majority of my time helping her to be okay with her, and I've been overlooking my own needs. Joining bpdfamily today was the first step towards my rectifying that. I AM exhausted, and I know that self care is really important, not just for me, but for BPDd15 and my toddler, as well. 

Seeing a GD or MD is not currently possible. I also know I need an outlet, THAT I'm aware of, I just can't think of any outlet that would be possible or appropriate right now. I'm open to suggestions, so long as they cost zero dollars! Being a SAHM, constantly emerged in BPDd15's world, or with a toddler 24/7 isn't healthy.

My support system is really frustrated with BPDd15, but mostly because of the stress that *I'm* under, as consequence of her actions. They either think that I'm too "lenient" with her, that I'm giving her excuses, or that I should "let her go," and focus on myself, my husband, and our toddler. She's only 15, and that just isn't going to happen. I feel that it's my job to help her to cope with her own brain and to help her to know herself, not to change her into who and whatever others think she ought to be. They think that, because I don't fight with her or restrict her even more, that I'm doing something wrong. I spend a lot of time attempting to explain that I'm not. I'm *almost* convinced that it may be time to stop discussing her with them.

I joined today to get *my* head back on straight, since I recognize the need for it.

[Mutt]

You're daughter is just wired differently, some people just look at the surface and can't or won't look deeper, they are who they are.

I've suffered from long bouts of insomnia in the past because of anxiety, I know that what being dead on your feet feels like. I understand that you're probably mentally depleted, but something that is cheap, it boosts your mood, helps alleviate stress and helps with sleep at night is exercise. Some gym's will have an area where they'll watch your kids. At my gym they'll watch the kids before and after work, so early morning and late afternoon. I take my kids on the weekends because I don't have a sitter. I'll spend about an hour or more in the gym.

I also want to share with you that you can apply in other areas of your life, having to explain yourself to others. My ex wife and I used to have terrible rails, she's undiagnosed and displays BPD traits, sometimes she'll bait or maybe I had invalidated her and she was projecting. If she thought that sky is red, she really believes that in her mind, I used to try to explain that she was wrong and it would cause so much strife.

She wants to believe that the sky is red, so be it. How one person interprets reality can be very different from the next. Think about several people that are witness in of an accident, if you interviewed them, their accounts will all be slightly different. Reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real.

I'd say one of the most useful tools that I picked up here is to not JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It's a technique that we use with pwBPD, my point is that you can apply it with people that are questioning you, you don't have to JADE. Maybe my personal experience will help you, maybe not, I used to get questioned by family members about my ex, then invalidated for my choices, I don't JADE to them anymore because i'm not obligated to.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)