Re-visiting her town 2 years later to (try to) get closure. (Need help)

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, after months and months of thinking I decided to go through with it. The idea keeps haunting me: revisit the place where I 'first met' her and spent the time with her. I feel like it will give me some kind of closure, I might be horribly wrong and end up making it worse, but I have to take the risk or I will be forever regret not taking the step.

So, a little more background for you to understand this. Me and my ex met online and have been together for over 2 years. I met her in person within the first year. She lives in the UK and myself in Holland so I traveled to her hometown to meet up with her. Everything was too perfect, should have seen it coming back then... A year later, the breakup was horrible, and soon after I found out about the BPD.  Long story short: I got blocked out and made out as the bad person, she got back with her ex who she was with before me just 3 days after breakup. (which by the way seems to be a totally normal thing to do nowadays, gotta love the new generation... ). Anyways, from the moment she broke up little over 2 years ago, I have been thinking of revisiting. For a long time I have been fooling myself the reason for it being just to revisit the 'places', cry me eyes out and might be able to close it off right there and then. All that time I knew damn well the real reason was I just wanted to stumble upon her and, I don't know, show her what she threw away. To be totally honest I'm not sure what I expect to come out of it, I just want to see her face and kinda show her that you can't just drop someone with dirt, run away from your responsibility's and expect to never hear from it again. She knows I love the UK so the story of me just being on holiday there and revisiting old places would make good sense. Needless to say I still have this little tiny tiny bit of hope that she would come around (yes I'm stupid). I'm not going to 'stalk' her around but I know that it's easy enough to 'accidentally' stumble upon her. As if this situation isn't messed up enough here comes the REAL problem:

I suffer from Agoraphobia. Basically what this means is I get severe anxiety attacks and general anxiety disorder, which get triggered by, you probably would guess: traveling. That and being 'locked up' (traffic jams, elevators etc etc.) I feel like I just need to do something big to ever overcome it, yet another reason why I feel like I NEED to go there ASAP. If I succeed it will be a huge accomplishment both to get my 'closure' and advance in my road to mental recovery. Though I feel like combining these 2 things will make it too much to handle. Then again, worst thing that can happen is me having loads of anxiety attacks. I mean I will get home eventually.

I don't want to go on my own. A good m8 of mine already offered to go with me as he understands my issues and is one of the few people that can comfort me and help me out when having a attack.

To be honest I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here. Maybe just to give myself the confidence to go forward with it, I don't know. I know some of you will highly disagree and tell me not to do this because it will only bring bad, but I feel like I have to do this and if I don't I will regret it forever.

This might be a strange thing to ask for on this place but I'm gonna try anyway: I need help. I need someone that lives in the UK (preferably London area) that is willing to help me out with some important questions, that I as a foreigner need to know to make my trip a success (especially with my anxiety being such a big thing). If anybody feels like they might be able to help me out and are willing to, please hit me up.

There's a million more thing to this story I could write but I don't want to make this a huge story. Any feedback (positive or negative) is appreciated and any tips/suggestions/help is more than welcome.

I hope all of you are doing well and handle your break-ups better than I am 

[LostInMemories]

So, after months and months of thinking I decided to go through with it. The idea keeps haunting me: revisit the place where I 'first met' her and spent the time with her. I feel like it will give me some kind of closure, I might be horribly wrong and end up making it worse, but I have to take the risk or I will be forever regret not taking the step.

So, a little more background for you to understand this. Me and my ex met online and have been together for over 2 years. I met her in person within the first year. She lives in the UK and myself in Holland so I traveled to her hometown to meet up with her. Everything was too perfect, should have seen it coming back then... A year later, the breakup was horrible, and soon after I found out about the BPD.  Long story short: I got blocked out and made out as the bad person, she got back with her ex who she was with before me just 3 days after breakup. (which by the way seems to be a totally normal thing to do nowadays, gotta love the new generation... ). Anyways, from the moment she broke up little over 2 years ago, I have been thinking of revisiting. For a long time I have been fooling myself the reason for it being just to revisit the 'places', cry me eyes out and might be able to close it off right there and then. All that time I knew damn well the real reason was I just wanted to stumble upon her and, I don't know, show her what she threw away. To be totally honest I'm not sure what I expect to come out of it, I just want to see her face and kinda show her that you can't just drop someone with dirt, run away from your responsibility's and expect to never hear from it again. She knows I love the UK so the story of me just being on holiday there and revisiting old places would make good sense. Needless to say I still have this little tiny tiny bit of hope that she would come around (yes I'm stupid). I'm not going to 'stalk' her around but I know that it's easy enough to 'accidentally' stumble upon her. As if this situation isn't messed up enough here comes the REAL problem:

I suffer from Agoraphobia. Basically what this means is I get severe anxiety attacks and general anxiety disorder, which get triggered by, you probably would guess: traveling. That and being 'locked up' (traffic jams, elevators etc etc.) I feel like I just need to do something big to ever overcome it, yet another reason why I feel like I NEED to go there ASAP. If I succeed it will be a huge accomplishment both to get my 'closure' and advance in my road to mental recovery. Though I feel like combining these 2 things will make it too much to handle. Then again, worst thing that can happen is me having loads of anxiety attacks. I mean I will get home eventually.

I don't want to go on my own. A good m8 of mine already offered to go with me as he understands my issues and is one of the few people that can comfort me and help me out when having a attack.

To be honest I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here. Maybe just to give myself the confidence to go forward with it, I don't know. I know some of you will highly disagree and tell me not to do this because it will only bring bad, but I feel like I have to do this and if I don't I will regret it forever.

This might be a strange thing to ask for on this place but I'm gonna try anyway: I need help. I need someone that lives in the UK (preferably London area) that is willing to help me out with some important questions, that I as a foreigner need to know to make my trip a success (especially with my anxiety being such a big thing). If anybody feels like they might be able to help me out and are willing to, please hit me up.

There's a million more thing to this story I could write but I don't want to make this a huge story. Any feedback (positive or negative) is appreciated and any tips/suggestions/help is more than welcome.

I hope all of you are doing well and handle your break-ups better than I am 

[Mutt]

Hi Thijmen156,



I think when you say that you want to overcome it mentally you mean exposure therapy? Instead of avoid the things that cause you anxiety you overcome it by the exposing yourself to them, usually it's gradually like dipping your feet in water or going all information like diving into the water.

Are you working with a T? There are strategies that can help you manage anxiety, medication, relaxation techniques, mindfulness, a really important one is self care and exercise has benefits with anxiety and depression, a regular gym routine can help with the symptoms.

I think that you'll find many here like you that didn't get closure. I've had two exes that started a r/s while they were still in a r/s with me. I had similar feelings like you about it, it really hurt with no contact and triangulation. I don't agree with it but many people do it because they feel uncomfortable with abandonment anxiety, anxious attachment styles patterns that started in early childhood. On the other hand there is a lot that you can learn if you take the time to self reflect, avoidance has it's cost with little self discovery and growth.

You can give closure to yourself. I'd advise that you accept that the r/s is over, it will speed up your recovery, if you hang to that hope that she may turn around, it's going to prolong your pain. You don't need to revisit the place where you first met, if you want to do exposure therapy, find a T with experienced in CBT, you can manage anxiety. Thoughts?

[happendtome]

It doesnt make sense to go there, but then again, nothing makes sense in these relationships. But personally i wouldnt go or if i would go, i would only go and visit those places (which is always nice because places were probably beautiful and seeing those places again would give you some new memories what are not associated with your ex), but i wouldnt go and see her. The point is, even if you want to win her back (what is crazy idea) you wont win her back when you are going there "to ask questions" what happend. You need to be stronger and you are. Im not missing my ex anymore, but what hurts, is that i was so fool and blind. And now you have to be honest and ask the same question from yourself. Do you really miss her or are you sad that you got so easily carried away?

[balletomane]

I relate very strongly to what you wrote about wanting your ex to know that she can't treat someone like dirt and experience no consequences. However, I don't think you should be going to London in the hope of somehow creating a consequence. If you do happen to run into her, there is no guarantee that she will react in the way you're hoping. It could backfire on you very badly and just leave you more hurt.

Travelling does sound like a great idea, to help with your agoraphobia and because you like the UK. But why does it have to be London? There is more to the UK than London. Go somewhere entirely new, somewhere you never went with your ex. Do some research and pick a place you'd really like. The North of England is beautiful in summer (Yorkshire, Lake District, Northumberland) and it's lovely in Cornwall and the West Country too. There are some nice historical cities dotted around the country with lots to see and do.

[GlennT]

    AGREEMENT MAXIMUS
       (All member's replies)   

[Rayban]

All I can tell you is that it's going to be a long ride home when reality hits you. It's been 2 years, time hasn't stopped for her, she's moved on and seen or be seeing many people.  Ever consider that you might "bump" into her while she is with another man?

Visiting places you've been with her at, will just bring on more questions and memories of what could have been and keep you stuck in a loop. It's been 2 years  ... .how long do you want to keep doing this to yourself?

Be careful of police involvement with accusations of stalking and harassment if she finds out you are creeping around her home base. I doubt she'll be pleased at most you'll be used as an object prosecuting her, or a triangulation tool showing  current love interest (s) that she must be so valuable for an ex from years back travelling to another country just to see her. Add anxiety into the mix and this has got disaster written all over it.

Cancel the trip, get a good T to give yourself closure.

[LostInMemories]

Thanks for the reply's.

I have tried every possible way of therapy, nothing really worked for me. I have been dealing with anxiety my entire life so I think it's just something I have to live with.

Be careful of police involvement with accusations of stalking and harassment if she finds out you are creeping around her home base

I haven't even thought about this. This is exactly what I meant about her running away from her responsibility´s and thinking it´s okay to treat people like this and ´get away´ with it, without ever suffering any consequences as in people asking tough questions. She did make up all kind of accusations and vague story´s just after the breakup. This really got me thinking, thank you.  Yet I doubt what could possibly be reported. I´m not gonna hang around her home obviously or stuff like that, and I´m not there to hurt her or anything. Al I really want is closure, and end it in a good way. I don´t want the last memory to be the horrible breakup. I think this is the thing, with a ´normal´ person you can arrange to sit down, talk things out and end on good terms. With a PW BPD this just seems impossible. I don´t know, I´m confused about the real reason, and what I really expect from it. I think I just want to see what her reaction would be. I keep having dreams how she would react, but honest, I don´t have the slightest clue. It´s just haunting me.

Ever consider that you might "bump" into her while she is with another man?

I did, a lot... Like I said, there's a LOT more to the story that I wrote here. The guy she's with now is part of the reason it ended the way it did. He was 'replaced' by me over 4 years ago, so obviously he never particularly liked me. I know that he talked garbage about me to her when we was still together and persuaded her to leave me with all kinds of made up story's and accusations. I'm not sure how I would react if I would see him, or, maybe I am. I totally see your point and share your concerns, but I have nothing to lose really. That's how I have been feeling for years now, and it's not going away. I'm not saying she was 'my life', but she did make me to who I really am. For the first time of my life I felt actually happy and confident about myself. Upon losing this I really felt I had nothing more to lose, my anxiety obviously playing a big part in this. I have been severely depressed for more than a year, and am finally able to 'live' the daily life for the past few months. If progress is this slow then I'm not sure what I have left to lose really. Not feeling sorry for myself or asking for attention here, just being honest with myself.

[flourdust]

Al I really want is closure, and end it in a good way. I don´t want the last memory to be the horrible breakup. I think this is the thing, with a ´normal´ person you can arrange to sit down, talk things out and end on good terms.

Why do you think that? Many, many relationships -- perhaps most -- end badly. Perhaps one person is satisfied, but "closure" for both ex-partners where they feel at peace is extremely rare. It doesn't take BPD to have a bad breakup.

What you're seeking by taking this trip is some kind of interaction with your ex. You want to surprise her by "accidentally" stumbling on her. You said that this wasn't stalking, but this looks like stalking to me. Even if you make this trip, and come across her, and she agrees to talk to you -- she might say things that make you feel worse, not better. Is that closure?

You say you want her to experience consequences, but having an ex show up out of the blue two years later to demand some kind of interaction is just weird and scary. Breaking up with you wasn't illegal, was it? So there are no legal consequences. Stalking her is illegal, though, and you may be the one to suffer consequences.

Also, throughout this thread, you've mentioned that you don't know for sure what you want, that you haven't been able to manage your feelings about this, that you even fantasize about her forgiving you and taking you back. You don't sound like you're in any mental state to make good decisions, even if this trip goes forward and there aren't any of the problems that have been described by others in this thread.

Please reconsider this plan. If there's anything I want you to try to believe, it's that a) you aren't in a mentally healthy place right now, and b) nothing that happens with your ex will get you to that place.

[LostInMemories]

Why do you think that? Many, many relationships -- perhaps most -- end badly. Perhaps one person is satisfied, but "closure" for both ex-partners where they feel at peace is extremely rare. It doesn't take BPD to have a bad breakup.

What you're seeking by taking this trip is some kind of interaction with your ex. You want to surprise her by "accidentally" stumbling on her. You said that this wasn't stalking, but this looks like stalking to me. Even if you make this trip, and come across her, and she agrees to talk to you -- she might say things that make you feel worse, not better. Is that closure?

You say you want her to experience consequences, but having an ex show up out of the blue two years later to demand some kind of interaction is just weird and scary. Breaking up with you wasn't illegal, was it? So there are no legal consequences. Stalking her is illegal, though, and you may be the one to suffer consequences.

Also, throughout this thread, you've mentioned that you don't know for sure what you want, that you haven't been able to manage your feelings about this, that you even fantasize about her forgiving you and taking you back. You don't sound like you're in any mental state to make good decisions, even if this trip goes forward and there aren't any of the problems that have been described by others in this thread.

Please reconsider this plan. If there's anything I want you to try to believe, it's that a) you aren't in a mentally healthy place right now, and b) nothing that happens with your ex will get you to that place.

I see your point, though I don't demand anything from her. She might just tell me to piss off and that will be it. Nothing she did was illegal indeed, but the thing is as with many ppl with BPD, that they feel 'entitled' to push you in the dirt, leave you confused and with a million questions, and expect you or basically demand you not to ask any questions and just to leave them alone from the moment they drop you and never say a single word, and if you do get mad and make you look like the crazy 'stalking' person. yes I agree 2 years later might be a (little) bit too late, but what I mean is days or even moments after a breakup. They think they can hurt you in the worst possible way and then just, i don't know, stick their head in the sand and never having to hear a single word from you again. That's just not how life works. Yes, I agree this trip might not be the solution, but I hope you can see it from my point of view.
 
I understand some ppl might see this as stalking, but is it? It's not like I'm gonna sit in front of her house or something, and if I do stumble upon her and she reacts hostile, well bad luck I guess. I'm not gonna stick around and let the situation escalate, or try again. it's more of a sign that , idk, you can't just 'block' someone off the earth just because you don't like them, or never want to see them again, which is basically what she did. I think the distance between us played a big role in this. I'm pretty confident if we did live closer together or even in the same country it would have ended differently. I'm not saying I would have gotten answers, but I'm pretty sure things would not have escalated as much as they did.

At the end of the day, we're both free to go wherever we want. Yes, I agree, obviously I'm going there for a reason, but is her seeing me for as little as a few seconds really stalking? I'm not gonna bother her or stick around, because it is never and has never been my intention to harm or bother anyone in any way.  

I do know I'm mentally not doing very well atm. I mean, I can think straight and am not a volatile person at all, but I am caught up in this roller coaster of emotions. I can safely say I am not a harm to myself or anyone else, I would not allow myself to be. Ever. again, I do see your point, and I think for the most part you are right, it probably won't be how I expect it to be, and it might make me feel worse at the time. But you have to understand this idea has been in my head haunting me for the past 2 years.

I think it's just the fact I've never been able to say goodbye in real life. It all ended over skype, and I think that is what makes it so hard for me to accept. Isn't it so much easier to 'accept' and move on when you had the ability to say goodbye?

[LostInMemories]

I relate very strongly to what you wrote about wanting your ex to know that she can't treat someone like dirt and experience no consequences. However, I don't think you should be going to London in the hope of somehow creating a consequence. If you do happen to run into her, there is no guarantee that she will react in the way you're hoping. It could backfire on you very badly and just leave you more hurt.

Travelling does sound like a great idea, to help with your agoraphobia and because you like the UK. But why does it have to be London? There is more to the UK than London. Go somewhere entirely new, somewhere you never went with your ex. Do some research and pick a place you'd really like. The North of England is beautiful in summer (Yorkshire, Lake District, Northumberland) and it's lovely in Cornwall and the West Country too. There are some nice historical cities dotted around the country with lots to see and do.

Tbh it is a combination of both that makes me want to go there so bad. I want to travel. Not London, god I hate that city, just some town close to it. When I went there to visit her for the first time I noticed how friendly the ppl are, I felt, for the first time in my life properly 'at home', which is strange for someone with Agoraphobia. I didn't suffer from my anxiety's half as bad as in my own country, partly because of being with her obviously, but the environment felt so much less 'hostile'.

From the moment I stepped foot in the UK I knew this is where I wanted my life to be, and I want to see if under different circumstances I still feel like this. It might have all been so much nicer because I was obviously madly in love, I don't know. I need to experience it on order to answer that question.

[marti644]

Thijmen,

I would highly recommend you discuss this choice with a therapist before you go. I understand your need for closure but this doesn't seem to me like a type of trip that would do anything but rip open your fresh wounds. I think, like others here have said closure comes from within and you need to address your anxieties first before attempting to reach out to your ex (which is what it seems to me you want to do). Have you spoken to close friends or family about this? What do they say?

[Mutt]

Hi Thijmen,

Has the thought crossed your mind that she may never give you closure? Have you prepared for that?

[flourdust]

I see your point, though I don't demand anything from her. She might just tell me to piss off and that will be it. Nothing she did was illegal indeed, but the thing is as with many ppl with BPD, that they feel 'entitled' to push you in the dirt, leave you confused and with a million questions, and expect you or basically demand you not to ask any questions and just to leave them alone from the moment they drop you and never say a single word, and if you do get mad and make you look like the crazy 'stalking' person. yes I agree 2 years later might be a (little) bit too late, but what I mean is days or even moments after a breakup. They think they can hurt you in the worst possible way and then just, i don't know, stick their head in the sand and never having to hear a single word from you again. That's just not how life works. Yes, I agree this trip might not be the solution, but I hope you can see it from my point of view.

I understand your feeling of grievance ... .but, let's be honest here. This IS how life works. If you break up with someone, you don't OWE them anything. Not an explanation, not a conversation, not ongoing friendship, not a second chance, nothing. It can certainly feel cruel, to have the switch flipped in your relationship like that -- but we're all free humans who can choose who we want to associate with.

This is tough to hear. You've been feeling like her victim for a long time, and I'm sure your relationship and breakup were painful and abusive in many ways. But -- that still doesn't mean she owes you anything.

When you start feeling that other people owe you parts of their lives ... .then you start feeling entitled to act in ways that cross boundaries and can even become abusive. I'm not at all saying that this is who you are ... .but this is where this very flawed chain of reasoning leads.

Try to accept that she made a choice about what kind of relationship to have with you -- none. You don't have to like it. You can call her every name in the book and think as many horrible thoughts about her as you want. Gripe to your mates about her. But let that be the end of it.

[LostInMemories]

Thijmen,

I would highly recommend you discuss this choice with a therapist before you go. I understand your need for closure but this doesn't seem to me like a type of trip that would do anything but rip open your fresh wounds. I think, like others here have said closure comes from within and you need to address your anxieties first before attempting to reach out to your ex (which is what it seems to me you want to do). Have you spoken to close friends or family about this? What do they say?

I will do this, thanks. It's not so much me wanting to reach out to her in a way to 'win her back' or anything like that, because that will be a waste of time. I mean yes sure there's that little tiny bit of hope, but it's more that I have a hard time accepting it ended over the internet and not in person.

I have spoken to my parents about this. They share the worries of doing more bad but then again they know me and they know I would never do anything if I'm not 100% sure I can handle it. I think understanding more of the full story makes it easier for ppl to understand and support why I would be doing this. Like I said there's a LOT more to this story which obviously the ppl close to me know, hence I think their support.

From a psychological standpoint you're right and this is the worst thing to do. My therapist would call me crazy for ripping open fresh wounds, but even though it might make the pain worse at first, it might relieve it in the end. And that is a chance I'm willing to take.

I apologize for being stubborn haha, I just am. It's not that I decided I'm 100% going to do this, but I have to do something, since it keeps haunting me. Thanks for the reply

[Mutt]

Hi Thijmen156,

I don't get the impression that you're stubborn, you do give me the impression that you're rationalizing though.

[LostInMemories]

I understand your feeling of grievance ... .but, let's be honest here. This IS how life works. If you break up with someone, you don't OWE them anything. Not an explanation, not a conversation, not ongoing friendship, not a second chance, nothing. It can certainly feel cruel, to have the switch flipped in your relationship like that -- but we're all free humans who can choose who we want to associate with.

This is tough to hear. You've been feeling like her victim for a long time, and I'm sure your relationship and breakup were painful and abusive in many ways. But -- that still doesn't mean she owes you anything.

When you start feeling that other people owe you parts of their lives ... .then you start feeling entitled to act in ways that cross boundaries and can even become abusive. I'm not at all saying that this is who you are ... .but this is where this very flawed chain of reasoning leads.

Try to accept that she made a choice about what kind of relationship to have with you -- none. You don't have to like it. You can call her every name in the book and think as many horrible thoughts about her as you want. Gripe to your mates about her. But let that be the end of it.

You might be right. The thing is I have been raised as a very 'social' person, and believe there are unwritten 'rules' of behaving to other people. I have been raised with certain standards that for example you don't cheat on people, and if you break up you don't jump into bed with someone else just a few days after. There's no law that keeps you from doing these things in the western society (thank god), but for me and I think (hope) for a lot of people these are unwritten rules and a sign of respect.

You say she owes me nothing, which I agree with for 99%, but won't you agree that if you decide to start a relationship with someone and make very serious promises to someone, there is some responsibility that comes with that? Responsibility to, not make fake promises and if you do decide to break promises, at least try to do it as respectful as possible? This is just my humble opinion of course.

[LostInMemories]

Hi Thijmen156,

I don't get the impression that you're stubborn, you do give me the impression that you're rationalizing though.

You might be right. For me it feels rational, because I know I wouldn't cross certain boundaries. I want other people to see it the same way as me, which is impossible since we're all different. I just don't want people to think I'm some kind of crazy stalker that can't accept to be refused, because that is by far not who I am. She has all the right to make her own decisions and I'm not blaming her for that. The only thing I am blaming her for is the way she did it.

It's hard because, I have only ever had good intentions. I put a lot of effort proving to her family that I had good intentions and was a honest guy, which was hard enough obviously coming from another country and have met her online. Yet when she broke up she made me out to be this crazy, controlling, aggressive guy that can't accept a no, when all I've ever asked for is to end it on good terms without drama.

[Panda39]

... .believe there are unwritten 'rules' of behaving to other people. I have been raised with certain standards that for example you don't cheat on people, and if you break up you don't jump into bed with someone else just a few days after... .

The thing is these are your values and your standards they are not everyone's.  Not necessarily hers. 

You say she owes me nothing, which I agree with for 99%, but won't you agree that if you decide to start a relationship with someone and make very serious promises to someone, there is some responsibility that comes with that? Responsibility to, not make fake promises and if you do decide to break promises, at least try to do it as respectful as possible? This is just my humble opinion of course.

Yes she is responsible for her actions in the relationship (and she will have to live with those actions) as you are responsible for yours.  Yes, being respectful of you and your feelings would have been a better way to end things but she didn't do that she chose to do something else.  No matter how she did it, it's done, and it has been traumatic for you.  It seems that you are hanging on to this moment... .ruminating on it... .want to change it, correct it, have her break up how you would do it, or not break up at all but the unfortunate truth is that it is done and has been over for 2 years.

Maybe it would help if you could radically accept that she did what she did... .below is a link to more on "Radical Acceptance" I hope it helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I'm sorry this has been so painful for you.   

Panda39

[Idsrvt2]

IMO I,would not do this.  It may not be stalking to a sane mind , but to a person with BPD it will bee seen as stalking.

Advice coming from someone who got slapped with a restraining order for doing far less.

[Sunfl0wer]

The thing is I have been raised as a very 'social' person, and believe there are unwritten 'rules' of behaving to other people. I have been raised with certain standards that for example you don't cheat on people, and if you break up you don't jump into bed with someone else just a few days after. There's no law that keeps you from doing these things in the western society (thank god), but for me and I think (hope) for a lot of people these are unwritten rules and a sign of respect.

Would it be fair to say that this woman does not share the same values as you?

[Octy]

Thijmen,

My exBPD laughed off "stalking" me in her own words at our work. I was accused of being crazy at the end by her lying about me reaching out at all(she was calling and texting me regularly)at the end.

I always accepted I couldn't change anything on either side of our past. I didn't immediately accept there was no hope for a reconciliation though.  Ive come a long way in shifting hope to other areas of my life even if I know another r/s isn't on the horizon if not for the other persons heart alone(I let two r/s get too far without being honest with myself as I wasn't "available" yet). Did you learn that promises before marriage go too far? And even then they are broken all the time. Its a lesson you can use for yourself. There are no "rules" both sides always keep. Apply your own to an honest future.

Until you don't have seeing her on your mind at all,  I don't recommend this trip while keeping the proximity of where she may be in mind. No rush to "get over her" exactly,  but please believe the effort you are pondering is highly likely to be seen different than you would like it to. Any way you breakup, is still a breakup. Two years? Five years? Its ok. Its a process we all are in. On the other side of this it has been a long time. A pwBPD is mostly likely less capable of doing the same work(emotionally) that you can. My main suggestion is to pause... .and not get a U.K trip rolling until a later time with a more simple goal... .fun.

[LostInMemories]

Thanks for all the reply's people I really appreciate it.
I think I'm way too old fashioned for my age and the time we live in. I take relationships too serious possibly, where as nowadays it's only seen as (temporarily) fun. I should have been born about 50 years ago I suppose

IMO I,would not do this.  It may not be stalking to a sane mind , but to a person with BPD it will bee seen as stalking.

Advice coming from someone who got slapped with a restraining order for doing far less.

I think you're right. She would probably see it as stalking, even though she's definately not the only reason I want to go.

Until you don't have seeing her on your mind at all,  I don't recommend this trip while keeping the proximity of where she may be in mind. No rush to "get over her" exactly,  but please believe the effort you are pondering is highly likely to be seen different than you would like it to. Any way you breakup, is still a breakup. Two years? Five years? Its ok. Its a process we all are in. On the other side of this it has been a long time. A pwBPD is mostly likely less capable of doing the same work(emotionally) that you can. My main suggestion is to pause... .and not get a U.K trip rolling until a later time with a more simple goal... .fun.

I'm definately not gonna rush this, and am in no hurry. I want to get more stable (especially anxiety wise) before doing this. Then again I'm not even sure if I have the balls to even stumble upon her, let alone talk to her. I don't know what I'm expecting to come out of this. Maybe I won't even stumble upon her at all. Or maybe she will see me but I won't see her. I don't know, I just want to see her in person one more time, just for myself to mentally 'say goodbye'. I'm pretty sure it'll hurt like hell, but it might feel like closure after, at least that's what I think.

Im not saying I'm definately gonna do it. I mean, it sounds like a bad idea to myself too, and I agree with all the worries you all told me. I even agree it's a little bit crazy, but I guess I am (usually in a good way) I just wanted to get it out here you know. See what others have to say.

[JaxWest]

I hope this helps you! If you go, this could be a major step in the right direction. I met the first BPD in 2008. The last week I lived in that city, things blew up in my face. She raged at me, things ended, other people saw and then she played the victim. It was humiliating. I left that town and stayed clear. I started getting phone calls and started getting hacked on facebook and other stuff. I lost contact with people there, because of fear. I finally went back at the end of  2016, almost 9 years later. It was a relief. I literally was smiling being there, because I knew I had overcome it. She was psychotic. I know that now. I missed the obvious signs.

I would say, don't rush it. It would be great to go back, if you are really ready to go back. If I would have done this a few years ago, I don't think it would have had the same impact. When the time is right, it will be worth it. If you think that time is now, go for it.

[LostInMemories]

I hope this helps you! If you go, this could be a major step in the right direction. I met the first BPD in 2008. The last week I lived in that city, things blew up in my face. She raged at me, things ended, other people saw and then she played the victim. It was humiliating. I left that town and stayed clear. I started getting phone calls and started getting hacked on facebook and other stuff. I lost contact with people there, because of fear. I finally went back at the end of  2016, almost 9 years later. It was a relief. I literally was smiling being there, because I knew I had overcome it. She was psychotic. I know that now. I missed the obvious signs.

I would say, don't rush it. It would be great to go back, if you are really ready to go back. If I would have done this a few years ago, I don't think it would have had the same impact. When the time is right, it will be worth it. If you think that time is now, go for it.

This is exactly why I want to go. Yes, there's the other part of me that wants to see her 1 more time, but this is EXACTLY the other reason I want to go! I feel like it would make me a LOT stronger in so many different things. Then again, I want her to see it. She thinks I'm nothing without her, which has been true for the past 2 years. I just want to show here I'm there and I'm doing fine, if anything better than how she knew me, since we met when my anxiety was really really bad.

The thing you said about losing contact with ppl I can relate to very much. I have friends there which I haven't seen because I was too scared to go over there, but reality is I love it there and always have.
Thanks for sharing your experience!

[JaxWest]

This is exactly why I want to go. Yes, there's the other part of me that wants to see her 1 more time, but this is EXACTLY the other reason I want to go! I feel like it would make me a LOT stronger in so many different things. Then again, I want her to see it. She thinks I'm nothing without her, which has been true for the past 2 years. I just want to show here I'm there and I'm doing fine, if anything better than how she knew me, since we met when my anxiety was really really bad.

The thing you said about losing contact with ppl I can relate to very much. I have friends there which I haven't seen because I was too scared to go over there, but reality is I love it there and always have.
Thanks for sharing your experience!

I hope this helps! My ex no longer lived in that city, so I was more at ease with it. That definitely helped. I got past the wanting to see her one more time, so I didn't care about seeing her again. I just wanted to leave the city under my own terms in a good way.