I'm in a relationship that's destroying me

[Damien4703]

Hi
This may sound all too familiar but I'm in a relationship that I thought was so perfect. We told each other we were soul mates and really I believed it. Sex is great we have good times but I've noticed the more I get into this relationship the level of control, anger over small situations, wanting me to get rid of my parents and sibilngs, I've had a suicide attempt because I feel so trapped. I've tried to leave on several occasions but she sucks me back in and clings harder and harder using my guilt and anxiety against me. I've left my job because of this anxiety and guilt that she puts on me.
I feel so helpless and trapped I don't know where to begin because she tells me if I leave it will ruin her life, her kids life (which she gets them to call me dad) her dreams and all that. So I feel this knot of guilt, shame and hurt because I don't want to set her off and get angry. I go to counselling but I lie to them and just tell them it's my work causing it but it's really her.
 What do I do? How can I survive this?

[BeagleGirl]

Damien4703,
First of all, I'm really glad you have found a place where you can be open and honest.  It's a huge step towards addressing your situation.

It is really obvious that you are in a lot of pain and feel unable to do anything effective about it.  A lot of us here have been in that same place.  I have definitely felt so fully trapped that death looked like the only escape, so know you are not alone.

I have a couple questions:
1.  Why do you feel the need to lie to your counselor?
2.  Has your pwBPD succeeded in isolating you from your parents and siblings, or are they still a part of your life?
3.  Have you read through any of the material on F.O.G. and/or the drama triangle on this site or elsewhere?

As for what you can do and how you can survive this... .
1.  Tell yourself that you can survive this.  It may not be something you fully believe right now, but make it your mantra.  You can and WILL survive this.  Things can and WILL get better.
2.  Start assembling your support system.  Posting here is a big step.  Next step, in my mind, is to get some professionals on board.  If you don't feel like you can 'fess up to your current counselor about what is really going in GET ANOTHER ONE.  Make a list of the people that you can and will reach out to for support.  Not all of them need to know about your situation, but they need to know that you are going through some hard times right now and could use a listening ear/distraction/etc. 
3.  Practice self care - Eating well, sleeping well, and getting some form of exercise or at least fresh air and sunshine on a daily basis is really important.  These are fundamentals that seem to fall away when we are in distress.  If you don't feel like eating - eat anyway.  If you are struggling to sleep - try a mild sleep aid (now is not the time to turn to alcohol or unhealthy use of medications) and consider spending a full 8 hours in bed resting if not sleeping a step in the right direction.  You may not want to leave the house right now, but it's important to do so.  Make a goal of walking for 5 or 10 minutes a couple times a day.  Find a place that feels safe and soothing (I recommend a park) and you will probably be surprised to find that you want to be there longer.  It just takes that (incredible) effort to get out the door.
4.  Make a plan to go no communication (NC) for a defined period of time.  Even (especially) if you think you may want to continue this relationship, you will need some time without contact to straighten things out in your mind.  It's nearly impossible to grow and change when you are in a constant state of defense (internal or external).  This may seem like an impossible task right now, so start with the other items (which you'll need) and come back for more details on the how, how long, etc. when you are ready.

BeagleGirl

[Damien4703]

I lied to my counsellor after my suicide attempt he told me that I needed to get out of the relationship. I knew I couldn't get away from her that she now clung even tighter not recognizing that she was the reason I felt so trapped and needed out at any cost. My counsellor saw that she was a problem told me to get rid of her but gave me zero help in doing so. It's one thing to say do this it's entirely different when you have too.
My parents and my brother want to be there but they know if they get involved it makes it a 1000 times harder for me.
I've lost my friends, my family, my career everything. Draining my bank accounts to help her pay for all of her bills. Every time I mention something she doesn't agree with no matter how small she goes off on a rampage and knows that I'll back down.
I now suffer from anxiety, depression, suicidal ideations.
I'm so trapped.
She goes through my phone constantly checking for messages, emails, phone calls to make sure I have no contact or I'm not cheating on her.
If I want to go out she puts guilt on so thick it's brutal and makes it a huge deal but when she goes out she lies, won't call, text, gets crazy drunk and doesn't let me know she is even ok. But that's fine she says because her last boyfriend was way too controlling and she won't be in a relationship like that again. So I don't say anything again because she makes a huge deal out of it and turns it around saying I'm just insecure and don't trust her. Which is not true. I just ask for some respect in the fact that I do want to know she gets home ok. I don't think that's a problem.
Now she's pushing to get engaged and wants to be married right away. I'm talking like this month and then next month married.
We had a big arguement today where I said I was going to a family event and she lost it at me. Saying I was disrespectful and didn't care about her.
This is just all so overwhelming. Completely at wits end with this. Lost

[BeagleGirl]

Damien4703,

I know these things are MUCH easier said than done.  Even succeeding in setting a boundary is an incredible accomplishment when faced with both our fears and our pwBPD's fears and resistance.  Knowing that you will have to defend that boundary every against incredible pressure, threats and acts of self harm on the part of the BPD, etc makes it seem impossible.

I guess many of us have had to get to a point of knowing that the pain we know we will face if we DON'T set and hold those boundaries is greater than the pain we fear we will face if we do.  Not to say those fears are unfounded.  Often we know what to expect from our pwBPD as far as pain infliction, and they seldom fail to disappoint.

So the question is:  Are you at that point?  Are you ready to do what it takes to change yourself in hopes of changing the relationship, but for your best interest regardless of whether the relationship lasts?  Are you willing to risk the relationship you have for the relationship you want with this woman?  If so, I will be happy to give you some observations and advice on small steps you can take to get going.  If not, know that this is the place where you can be honest about that.  You can find sympathy and understanding here. You can also find advice and support.  What you do with the advice is up to you.

BeagleGirl

[Damien4703]

I am ready. I'm at the point where it needs to either be fixed or end. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't feel this way anymore for anyone. Any help at all is so appreciated. I feel alone.

[BeagleGirl]

Damien4703,
I'm glad that you feel ready to take some action.  Please remember that the process may start to feel overwhelming and you may fall back into old patterns and habits periodically.  You may feel like "it's not working" and need encouragement to recognize small advances, or just keep plowing on, even when there is no outward evidence of change.  It's okay to feel like throwing in the towel and to verbalize that here.

You've mentioned several areas that could be addressed with some boundaries, so that might be a good place to start.  I suggest reading the resources around boundaries on this site:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Selecting the right boundary to start with is a personal decision.  You can look for an area that causes you the most anxiety and will thus provide the most relief, but those may be a bit big to take on at first.  I would suggest something that is well defined and "managable" that you can be consistent in enforcing without to much effort. 

From the things that you have mentioned, I think (but correct me if I'm wrong) that setting a boundary on her access to your phone might be a place to start.  This is a relatively easy boundary to set - change your passcode and don't give her the new one.  Reinforcing will take some skills.  You may want to be prepared with a "scripted" response for the day that she tries to access your phone and can't (if you choose not to inform her of the boundary up front).  This is a good chance to practice SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).  It might sound something like:
"I really want us to have a relationship based on mutual trust" (Support)
"I understand that you are afraid that I am hiding another relationship from you, and that fear drives you to look for evidence on my phone" (Empathy)
"Checking my phone for that evidence stands in the way of real trust.  I have given you no reason to distrust me, and the constant search for evidence of unfaithfulness on my phone is a reminder to me that you don't trust me.  You will no longer have access to my phone, and I would like you to look for other ways to address your fears." (Truth) 

You should be prepared to repeat this script or some portion of it EVERY time she begs, rages, cries, threatens, etc in an attempt for you to give her the passcode.  You should also be prepared to say "I've already explained why you no longer have access to my phone.  I'm not willing to discuss it any further.  I will be xyz - feel free to text me when you are ready to do/talk about something else."  Be ready to enforce the boundary through whatever she throws at you, up to and including the end of the relationship.  Know that doing so will teach both of you that you are a man of your word who can and will choose what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not.

Does that sound like something you could do?  Is there a different boundary that you would like to start with?  You may want to read recent posts started by DaddyBear77.  He is also working on boundaries with his wife and had some success in defending the boundary of not being expected to wake up in the middle of the night and soothe/argue with her.

Hang in there and keep posting.
BeagleGirl