Broke no contact. I'm backkkkk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Broken up from now diagnosed BPD ex for 6 months. He went inpatient shortly after and got the diagnosis. Last few months in the relationship the communication just deteriorated. In person his rages grew more physical, cycling became faster. Dissociation more distant than ever. Had to end it. Instituted no contact after encouraging he go inpatient (I had it for a little before but his family and friends begged me to intervene.)

as with the classic borderline paradox, the closer we grew the greater the breakdowns became and more frequent. Communication improves in non disordered relationships over time. I was in topsy turvy land. And a little time. changed. Nothing.  

I recently broke NC and have regretted it immensely. He is now in therapy and DBT but it's clear when it comes to me, the therapeutic gloves come right off. The other night over text I mentioned having dinner w a friend. He said he just left a restaurant alone. And wished I would eat w him (I will have ZERO in person interaction). I know it was about both his loneliness and desire to see me. But I just bypassed the latter, and tried to be kind. I said "you are really sociable and great with people, and make friends so easily. Why not plug back in at school (he's a student who's basically skipped all semester) so you can get more involved and connect w new people. People like you! You don't have to eat alone."  Well somehow my attempt to be kind was interpreted that I thought he was a loser. That in fact he COULDNT make friends and DIDNT know how to be social. He then called me a loser for being sober (recovering alcoholic here), hanging out with sober people. Going to AA (which is a lark since DBT is very much like AA. The work/assignments are similar to 12 steps. Your phone support therapist is like a sponsor.  You go to group therapy. AA is the foundation of modern group therapy, FYI)

I put the stop on right there. I didn't even bother to JADE really. I kept it to "that's not what I meant, and we are done talking. I won't text you back tonight". He bombed my phone, sending audio of him screaming. Said he would cut. Then sent videos of him cutting and screaming. Then a picture of my name written in blood.
Then said he went and hooked up w someone he often cheated on me wit and reported back it was hard to get it up because of the cuts.

Biggest mistake ever folks. I've made a lot of progress in NC and I'm back to feeling both disgusted w him and also feeling the FOG creep back in.

If your In NC,  KEEP IT THAT WAY. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE

[cbm419]

Broken up from now diagnosed BPD ex for 6 months. He went inpatient shortly after and got the diagnosis. Last few months in the relationship the communication just deteriorated. In person his rages grew more physical, cycling became faster. Dissociation more distant than ever. Had to end it. Instituted no contact after encouraging he go inpatient (I had it for a little before but his family and friends begged me to intervene.)

as with the classic borderline paradox, the closer we grew the greater the breakdowns became and more frequent. Communication improves in non disordered relationships over time. I was in topsy turvy land. And a little time. changed. Nothing.  

I recently broke NC and have regretted it immensely. He is now in therapy and DBT but it's clear when it comes to me, the therapeutic gloves come right off. The other night over text I mentioned having dinner w a friend. He said he just left a restaurant alone. And wished I would eat w him (I will have ZERO in person interaction). I know it was about both his loneliness and desire to see me. But I just bypassed the latter, and tried to be kind. I said "you are really sociable and great with people, and make friends so easily. Why not plug back in at school (he's a student who's basically skipped all semester) so you can get more involved and connect w new people. People like you! You don't have to eat alone."  Well somehow my attempt to be kind was interpreted that I thought he was a loser. That in fact he COULDNT make friends and DIDNT know how to be social. He then called me a loser for being sober (recovering alcoholic here), hanging out with sober people. Going to AA (which is a lark since DBT is very much like AA. The work/assignments are similar to 12 steps. Your phone support therapist is like a sponsor.  You go to group therapy. AA is the foundation of modern group therapy, FYI)

I put the stop on right there. I didn't even bother to JADE really. I kept it to "that's not what I meant, and we are done talking. I won't text you back tonight". He bombed my phone, sending audio of him screaming. Said he would cut. Then sent videos of him cutting and screaming. Then a picture of my name written in blood.
Then said he went and hooked up w someone he often cheated on me wit and reported back it was hard to get it up because of the cuts.

Biggest mistake ever folks. I've made a lot of progress in NC and I'm back to feeling both disgusted w him and also feeling the FOG creep back in.

If your In NC,  KEEP IT THAT WAY. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE

[cbm419]

And yea sorry to bother folks. Just need a little support again. Everyone here is great.

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to offer you some virtual hugs. 

When he sends you stuff like that, can you contact the police or some kind of crisis hotline? If he is cutting and taking videos of it, that it is not cool. Did you keep the videos and such? If you really want to go NC and stay that way, would it be possible to report him for harassment? That kind of stuff is harassment and manipulation.

[cbm419]

I wanted to offer you some virtual hugs. 

When he sends you stuff like that, can you contact the police or some kind of crisis hotline? If he is cutting and taking videos of it, that it is not cool. Did you keep the videos and such? If you really want to go NC and stay that way, would it be possible to report him for harassment? That kind of stuff is harassment and manipulation.

Thanks for the hugs. I do keep this stuff. Maybe one day that will be the basis for a harassment claim. But truly, I don't want to further disrupt this sick persons life w legal action or hospitalization for what are truly non suicidal cries for attention (I do also appreciate that he is outsourcing the very real and unbearable pain he feels when dysregulated.) He... .knows what he is doing when he cuts. He's never gone too deep. I I remember I freaked at him a year ago when he took a serated blade to his inner thigh (he's very thin and could nick an artery). I jumped on top of him, threw the blade away and the moment I loosened restraint from his wrists he boxed my face in so hard I now have titanium plates holding the left side together. Yep. Permanent. Outsourced that internal pain right into my face.

His rages are so intense. And I always fall for it - I believed it bad to play chicken with a borderline. Because if they say they'll kill them selves if you don't intervene, they are so far gone they just may do it... .  the one benefit of this incident was I ignored, and he did not up the ante.

In the aftermath he texts me, today, with blame. Says he wish he didn't have to look at cuts again, "so why did you ignore me? Why did you make me do this again?"

I Know he had DBT and therapy today and he has left me alone since then. I just feel so deeply regretful I opened this door again.

This recovery is not about his disorder. I'll never fix him. And in breaking NC I signed back up to be his savior and persecutor in chief. Familiar territory I should know better than to tread upon. I need to recover myself first and foremost.

I'm really writing this to warn fellow members who have gone NC, grown, recovered... .don't think renewed strength you have obtained or a little treatment of the borderline will magically transform the environment of your interaction.

Once you cross the line many of us in detaching crossed- becoming the trigger of endless rage, recycling into ever worsening circumstance, we will NEVER go back. Maybe there are exceptions. Maybe. That's great for those folks.

I am learning a hard lesson. I regret opening this Pandora's box. I don't need to be in this headspace again, anymore.

[patientandclear]

Good reminder for folks who are mostly on this Board -- if you decide to get back in touch with your pwBPD, spend time on the Improving Board and really think about validation.  Telling other people how to feel better doesn't usually ever work.  Often just "yes, I hear you" is the best we can do in response to someone's feeling crappy.  Even if, maybe especially if, the crappy is the result of their own actions.

NOT explaining everything I know and can see to my loved ones who are sunk into dysfunctional patterns is one of the hardest assignments for me.  But it is often more loving and less problematic just to keep people company as they roll around in their mind the elements of their own lessons to learn.

CBM, that sounds super tough.  Therapists, rather than an ex-partner, are best suited to respond tothe kind of doubts and hopes and wishes he was feeling. Sounds like he probably felt rejected and then not heard about the rejection.  It's hard to just let that be, I know.

[cbm419]

Good reminder for folks who are mostly on this Board -- if you decide to get back in touch with your pwBPD, spend time on the Improving Board and really think about validation.  Telling other people how to feel better doesn't usually ever work.  Often just "yes, I hear you" is the best we can do in response to someone's feeling crappy.  Even if, maybe especially if, the crappy is the result of their own actions.

NOT explaining everything I know and can see to my loved ones who are sunk into dysfunctional patterns is one of the hardest assignments for me.  But it is often more loving and less problematic just to keep people company as they roll around in their mind the elements of their own lessons to learn.

CBM, that sounds super tough.  Therapists, rather than an ex-partner, are best suited to respond tothe kind of doubts and hopes and wishes he was feeling. Sounds like he probably felt rejected and then not heard about the rejection.  It's hard to just let that be, I know.

You are so right. The truth is,  I knew better. I knew better than to treat a hornets nest like a piñata and expect to be a hero collecting candy for patting a sad bee on the back. Just going to get stung. And I did.

This just wrecks  me... even my strong new self! But also reminds me. This is why this person should not belong in my life. Any non disordered individual would not react so perversely, then escalate that perversion to the highest degree possible. I was trying to be kind! Supportive! It was a COMPLIMENT.

Ugh. I just need to move onward and upward. This is not my mess to clean up.

[Insom]

Thank you.  This sounds rough but is good for many of us to hear.

What prompted you to break?

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you for posting this,  it sounds similar to my x.  I could not get him in house treatment... I even contacted his family and by then he had me painted black .  I wrote a nice email to him pleading that he get help and he served me with a protection order... .he still delivers mail to my sub division and already crossed in front of my car. Mine had an arsenal of guns and I think could have gotten violent .   I have a protection order on him as well but it's only temporary. 

My x knows he has a personality disorder and was in therapy, one session.  No clue if he's still getting help. I hate that he's still allowed around me as he's just too erratic