Hi Sanemom
I was thinking about how long it takes the ADULTS on this site to establish boundaries with a BPD (us included) and how much more difficult it must be to a teen with less life experience who does not get to divorce a parent to establish those same boundaries.
Not only does a teen have less life experience, but the desire to love both parents and I could argue less confidence (you are still learning who you are and how to behave and what your own values are etc... .) but this is their parent... .an authority figure, and the kids are often conditioned by that dysfunctional parent (and by witnessing an enabling parent) to have no boundaries (at least when it comes to them). Boundaries around the BPD parent is a tool the kid may not even have in their toolbelt. Society also pressures children to honor "thy mother and father" and "respect your elders", don't rebel etc.
I tell someone that doesn't know my story about my SO's daughters limited contact with their mom and
I get disapproving looks... .until I tell them the Camp story and the College story.
I've watched my SO's daughters go through the whole spectrum... .(mom had majority custody early on) the girls were enmeshed with their mom, used as weapons against their dad (spying on him/made false allegations of abuse) and alienating their dad.
Two years in the divorce was final and my SO was awarded slightly more than half custody and this period was definitely a transition for everyone, his younger daughter threatened suicide surrounding her mother's instability, my SO was learning what battle to choose when it came to the ex and the older daughter was trying to overcome the decision that she and her mother made to home school her first year of high school (nothing happened that year... .0.0 GPA).
Since the fiascoes of 2015... .Summer Camp (younger daughter) and College (older daughter) both girls "voted with their feet" and moved in with dad full-time. The girls now have strong physical boundaries around their mom the older daughter is very low contact via email and the younger daughter will talk to her mom on the phone and have the occasional coffee or lunch with her mom. It took extremely messed up actions directed at them for the girls to set these firm boundaries. It's sad they both knew their mom was messed up and did things to other people (con artist/fraud) but never thought she would turn those behaviors on them (I can't imagine how devastating that has been for them)
What's really sad is none of the above situations are ideal, these girls have been through the wringer. Having a mentally ill mother in your life is hard and creating boundaries around your interactions with your mentally ill mother is hard... .the girls chose the "hard" that protects themselves... .the best choice they have under the circumstances.
Panda39