Recycled once I should have known better

[blueblue12]

Greetings,
Well I was recycled! My ex wife reappeared after two months on NC. I went quiet and she tried to contact me via other sources asking for this and that. After consulting with my T I sent her requests and wished her well. Then it started. Suddenly I was the best guy in the world, she had missed me so much, she wanted to start again, from scratch. Never mind that last year was a nightmare, that she decided to stop our marriage, that we sold the house, that she found a replacement. Well a few months later I was it again. The replacement was not good, her life was miserable and she couldn't live without me!

Well I fell for it. She pursued me so much that I organised a meeting with her. She was at her best, it was a great day, what an encounter, everything went incredible well, she was sad, cried uncontrollably for ten minutes, was loving, said all the right things, was intimate, in all the girl of my dreams was back!

A few days later though things started to change. Suddenly it wasn't so amazing after all, and as time went by a few arguments crept it. In all it changed and it reminded me of what I went through last year. So I stepped back a bit and now I have decided to go NC again.

And that is how this is. The borderline is the borderline. I have realised that this will never change. I feel for her but I can't really help her. It will always be this way. I can't trust anything she says or does. I will never be able to trust anything, I will live walking on egg shells for the rest of my life. My alternative to disappear and never go back. If I do it will end up in tears. It's too sad for words... .

[roberto516]

You and me both my friend. All it took was for me to stay firm in my boundaries combined with her not communicating her unresolved anger at me (really herself) for it to change that quickly again.

It really is accepting that the borderline is the borderline like you said. And that no matter what we do if we go back they will do it again. And we will have allowed it to happen. Strength and prayers to you my friend. I'm in your exact same shoes right now.

[blueblue12]

Hello Roberto,
Thanks for your post! Yes similarly the bad things are always there and the fact that is borderline it means you cannot trust things said. Like many others have posted here, it is not about words it is about actions. My ex told me the most wonderful things to get me back, it was over the top. Once back things changed considerably, obviously once she worked out that I was backed and hooked again.

It is such a sad position to be in. I remember someone writing a while back about how their ex was this amazing woman if only he could fix the BPD! Well I feel the same way, she is a wonderful woman, but the other side is hurtful, unpredictable and thus you cannot rely on her long term.

I am surprised now that my connection with her lasted over ten years. Most of her relationships last months. Even my replacement was discarded after a few months. The one I cannot deal with though is her lack of empathy. After we were separated but still living together, she did not tell me about the replacement. It did go horribly wrong and now she tells me but like as a matter of fact. No real empathy for what I may feel about it. Cold.

Weird and hurtful place we all ended up in with partners with BPD. I feel for you as well my friend.

[roberto516]

Yes the lack of empathy is difficult. Especially because they usually choose people who have way too much empathy. She told me she is sorry and she should not have asked to try again because it hurt me and she made a mistake . So she has some insight. But she is a pained individual. It must be a terrible existence. So I feel for them.

Also, like you said. This 1 month recycle she didn't do one act of kindness for me. She told me she loved me and that I was the best right in the beginning. But I catered to her the whole month. She didn't offer or show any desire to prove through actions she was better. And just like that, gone again. Woke up from a nap and told me it was over.

[Lexisdad]

I just went thru a recycle with my pwBPD ex gf as well. I could've written your exact same story Raul. First 2 month's were great then right back to the same verbally abusive rages, dylussional jeoulosy and gaslighting and manipulating. They aint gonna change and after 7 years of this i've had enough. Totally blocked on everything and strict no contact for one month. I feel sorry for her kid because she blamed me for hurting him again when it was her who cheated last time and i'm almost positive again this time.

Just imagine a 15 year old who has lived his entire life seeing men in and out of his mothers life and every relationship volatile.

[blueblue12]

Hey Lexisdad!
I only found out about BPD in the last 6 months I had no idea until my T mentioned the possibility, then I also found this forum. I was in a relationship/marriage for ten years often blaming myself for everything that went wrong. I had no idea, although she hinted a few times, things like "you know sometimes people with my background sabotage things that are going well"!
I had no idea about the condition. It's sad because I always thought we had some great things going, but it is not to be... .the end of our time together in our house was extremely sad... .

[Lexisdad]

Well my pwBPD was diagnosed as bipolar. She is a high functioning pwBPD. I really thought she had changed because the last break up was to recycle an ex from 6 years ago. She claims she ended that because she couldn't live a "lavish" lifestyle.
Her lies started coming out again and she had more stories than Walt Disney. Nothing but bulls--t and lies. When all was said and done more was said then done by her.

These people are like heroin to us. When you are in rehab you don't go back for just one hit. We know they're bad for us but we all get sucked into the vortex!