He wants to live like brother and sister, no sex

[Maiden Sun]

Husband is undiagnosed (and will never go to counseling), but I recently discover his behaviors fit all the criteria of narcissistic, high function BPD.  Leaving isn't an option, as we have a disabled adult child and work together.  Needed to get this off my chest since I can't really tell anyone. 

I've made many mistakes along the way, but the biggest of all was to agree to try the "Lifestyle".  We've been married 40+ years and for most of those years our sex life was really good, adventurous, and varied, but this foray into the lifestyle was the total downfall. He claims he was doing it for me. 

Looking back, it's like he was grooming me.  He claims I led him to the lifestyle. The fantasies I was encouraged to express verbally became my actual past in his mind. It seems as though he is angry that I enjoyed group sex with others (stories, not reality) and yet hesitate to have group sex in front of him (he wants to watch, not participate since he's doing it for me.)  I have emphatically told him many times, that the stories were just stories to sexually enhance, not truths.  He says I am a liar either way - for telling him the stories or if I didn't actually do them.  No win situation.

Though I was intrigued and had some fun exploring the lifestyle, I am not comfortable with it for many reasons, and it has caused many arguments and near breakups.  My fault for not setting boundaries.  Also my fault for deluding myself into thinking I could control it and that  he would grow board with it, but it became his new addiction.   No never meant no, it would only cause a fight. Since I am considered attractive, am fit, approachable, and young for my age,and he is obese, out of shape, intimidating, and looks older, I felt like I was sexual bait.  I finally realize that no matter what I do, I will never please him. 

He is black and white, never forgives, never forgets. After our last argument, he stated the only way he'd talk again, is if I give him total control of my life, including sex.  I should have sex when and with whomever he says.  Needless to say, I was infuriated and said no.  He then decided we will live together as brother and sister, no intimacy, no touching, no kisses, no hugging, no sex. 

He seems perfectly fine with this new arrangement.  He is totally black and white, no gray.  I am at my wits end and am finding it very difficult to control my emotions. 
Any tips on keeping my emotions under control are greatly appreciated!






 

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[Mutt]

Hi Maiden Sun,  



I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. What are your boundaries with group sex? To answer your questions about getting your emotions under control, I think that you need to validate your emotions, it helps to talk to others like us that can relate with you, it also helps to talk to a T ( therapist) concurrently.

emotional immaturity is a cornerstone of the disorder, it doesn't mean that if you're emotionally immature that you have BPD, a pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the age of a 2 - 3 child, the impression that I get from your post is that he's having a tantrum, on the one hand he wants you to have group sex and on the other hand he wants to control that. What do you want?

[Maiden Sun]

Thanks for responding to what seems to be an unusual, sensitive subject.

I am conflicted.  I want what seemed to be my stable, fun, safe, intimate relationship with my spouse back, but doubt that's going to happen. Fifteen years ago,secure and trusting of our relationship and of myself, I think I would have had fun with it.  Now, beaten down by the BPD's behavior, I realize I do it from FOG.

Before he slipped into retirement, he spread his wrath among many people (employees, vendors, our children, etc.), now it is laser focused on me. 

My boundaries, when set, seemed worthless.  He would trample or ignore my attempts at boundaries and out of FOG, I caved.  Until now, I didn't understand the importance of boundaries and the need for me to uphold them for the sake of the relationship. 

Yesterday, in a single sentence I told him I was upset about this newest development.  He sent me an two page email, again pointing out all I have done to him, declaring his innocence, and blaming me 100% or the destruction of us.  Even when he proclaimed smidgen of responsibility, the sentence was twisted and blame pointed again at me.  HE told me not to reply to his email, since that would make it worse, but offered to talk about it calmly (like that'll happen!), but ended the email with doubt that I could come up with a better solution than his proposal (aka ultimatum).  Now that he had a captive audience for his rant,  he is acting like nothing happened!

Since I know I can't talk calmly and there is so much involved at this point, I typed my some of my honest thoughts last night, making sure I didn't JADE or counter attack.  Ha, I was quite impressed that I was able to write that way ;-}. I hoped this help me gather my thoughts.  I did not email it, wanted to sleep on it instead, as he may still see it as an attack.  Not sure which avenue I will use, written or verbal, a decision I still need to make.

Typing this to you helped me realize I don't want to be involved in the lifestyle. It is toxic for us.  Either way, may be the end of us.  A risk I need to take.

Thanks.

[Maiden Sun]

Btw, I have seen therapists in the past, but haven't had much luck.  The first seemed to treat me differently when I said I wasn't willing to leave the relationship (many years ago).  The second was like chatting with a friend, a great sounding board, but I felt I offered more insight to her ADD husband issues than she offered me (the caretaker in me took over the sessions.)  I  continued to see her because I could vent, but eventually her marriage required more of her attention and she told me the partners in her practice where having issues, so I stopped going.

I am currently looking for someone in my area who list BPD as part of there practice, but seems hard to find.   

[Mutt]

I am currently looking for someone in my area who list BPD as part of there practice, but seems hard to find.

This is a book that I think that will be good for you in the meantime, you'll probably see a lot semblances of your H and it will teach you techniques with how to deal with him and people that don't respect your boundaries, have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist?