catniptea
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 3
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« on: April 19, 2017, 03:36:41 PM » |
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Hi,
I think I have been on your early website before. I am so glad I can be anonymous now. Maybe it was anonymous back then too, and I was on another website I was on wasn't, and it wasn't you at all.
I was scared back then and was afraid things I said would be found out somehow. So I deleted everything.
I just left the anythingtostopthepain website, the book I read first, thought it would be a good idea. My post the author, didn't like my negativity about the attitudes of BPD's and their fear of abandonment, wanted a link to prove it, so I quoted the BPD family website's link to him, and he hasn't contacted me since, and I told him I quit. That group wasn't very validating for the non.
My situation is that I am married to a person now for 8 years that developed BPD/NPD traits due to formerly being married to a violent abusive BPD wife for 30 years. She also severely abused the three children they have, since birth, and only one is doing OK because he stayed with his best friends parents a lot, and now is in the military. I was my husband's friend during that 30 year time period, and I divorced my last BPD husband for my 4 year old daughter's sake (didn't know about BPD at that time, he had anger problems and went to therapy during and after the divorce.), 10 years before I married my now husband. My daughter ended up staying her last 4 high school years with her dad. She felt sorry for him being alone, then he abused her while she lived with him, and then she resented me living where I do now, even after she said it was OK if I move. I had to move, my husband gave me an ultimatum that he wanted to marry me and wanted me to leave my home. That seemed to be OK, my daughter thought about moving in with me, but the BPD adult stepson tried to commit suicide 2 weeks before I got married, and it scared her off. Something I really resent to this day. I thought that son would get better, but it only got worse each year. My husband was driving over 300 miles each way to see him at college, afraid he would kill himself. I got no honeymoon, my husband took him to college that next morning, afraid he would try and kill his friends that caused the suicide attempt. I lived in a squalid home with rats in the country, and it was not health department acceptable, and I had to leave, and my daughter moved in with her dad, which was fine by me. He wanted to take care of her the last 4 years if she wanted it that way, I made the divorce so my daughter had control of her life, not us. She turned out OK, she just graduated last year with a psychology degree, and is interested in child and family art therapy for kids that got PTSD.
I knew my husband had a mentally ill wife, when I helped with the divorce documents, and the kids seemed fine at first, grateful they had a nice new mother that wasn't crazy. Then when the second started college, having a BPD GF, he got abused by her, dumped her,then tried to kill himself over her dating his best friends while in college. So,things morphed into the nightmare I am living today.
I had no idea my husband would morph into a BPD/NPD acting person, and the counselor, I started to go to because of PTSD from this violent BPD son assaulting his cancer patient brother right out of the hospital, said "the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree, referring to my husband, and the BPD violent son, who has morphed into a criminal now, getting away with assault, property damage, and theft from us. This counselor also diagnosed from a court order, the violent stepson with BPD.
This son also threatened to kill me years ago on the day Sandy Hook happened, and he got taken away back then because he was on his first deferment for domestic violence. This son also showed his father how to rage, and assaulted him, then whenever I tried to help the family by telling my husband we need to throw him out, it isn't helping him live with people he hates, and he got the learning of abuse from his son's abuse.
I would watch the abuse, then later, a trigger would send him off into a rage where he threw things at me, even when my daughter was visiting. She would not live with me because of this son and her stepdad's abuse of me, and I didn't blame her.
So to survive this situation, I have had to do research to help me not be so reactive, starting with mindfulness techniques; learned how to do better relationship skills; then DBT therapy skills on my own; to help him and his sons not abuse me or each other. It has been tough, he tries anything to verbally abuse me to get me to react then he is telling me I am reacting, and then has me in his drama triangle, that I recently learned about.
My latest research that has helped the most is from this website, practicing the Karpman Triangle. I first did it to help my husband not engage in the drama rage abuse his son does to him when they are alone together working on a rental house. He has had the police out twice now. The second time, the stepson threatened to kill people and himself if we call the cops on him again. He has his dad and brother scared now to do anything. So my husband is now trying Linehan's research group, and they have no spots open; today the former counselor called, whom he has abused financially and has treated the counselor bad during our joint session appointments. My/Our counselor knows how to handle this type of BPD/NPD, he used to do forensic counseling for criminals in prisons. It is sad it is this way, but my husband really has an attitude he knows it all, people are there to serve him, even me. Being his former employee over 30 years ago, I can handle it, but the lazy pot smoking BPD sons who have their hand out all the time, make the house a daily dirty mess, is getting old. I have no time to do my hobbies that I used to do, gardening is acceptable, the hobbies I got a rage over to quit that I sold at a farmer's market. I miss my social life, have none anymore, and am getting sick of this whole situation. I got inheritance money, and now my husband is trying to make it so I can't get at it by investing it, and maybe thinks I want to run off?
My husband is really educated and smart, and figures out ways to get me engaged in his anger moments, even him knowing about the triangle and validating it, he then says when I tell him we are getting into that drama, it pisses him off and says I am manipulating him when I refuse to get engaged into his drama. That actually worked though, I kept out, and got centered, using it the first time, and got an apology later, and I replied I get angry and impatient too when you call me to do things and I am busy.
This drama triangle method has really helped me keep out of the loop, helping my husband stay emotionally regulated, myself also, and it is tough not feeling hurt from the abuse, but easier to deal with afterward, stress wise.
So after our marriage, we have been supporting two of his youngest sons, due to BPD behavior, and not being responsible for themselves, the violent one was put in mental health clinics during rages and domestic violence, got a second deferment for 2 years, and he violated it constantly, and after. He thinks we owe him money to get him to leave, because we dared have him arrested for abuse and ruined his life he says, so give me full support of my living expenses, or put up with him. We showed him the diagnosis of his last mental health evaluation, and he trashed it. Refuses to go to DBT therapy, or any counseling, says it is us demented old people, who he looks out for. He now helps with money, driving around his cancer in remission brother, to his college, work, etc. because he has seizures, but now he is getting tired of it. Want money for spending, not for helping, and is jealous when his brother gets things in the mail, because he gets a paycheck. The father doesn't buy that son much, only helps with college and transportation costs.
If we suggest to the violent BPD son get a job, pay for his fancy phone, car insurance, his pot, we get a rage, or if he wants money, we get a rage. So we are still taking in and fully supporting his two now adult child sons, and one is in cancer remission since over a year ago, and still going on with his life trying to do trade school and a job, and has to be carted around due to seizures he has happen to him, more recently, causing more stress in this home, and he also has BPD traits. The second son has been put under a domestic violence deferment, and still verbally abuses us, does damage to our home and personal things and the father won't press charges, afraid he will end up in prison. I was his friend during that time period, and I divorced a BPD for my daughter's sake (didn't know it at that time, he had anger problems and went to therapy during and after the divorce.)
It is so hard to write this, and I get side tracked a lot, it is affecting me when I talk to other people even, like my doctors, I never get any relief or any hope. I just exist and try to survive right now, and have said to the counselor I wish I would drop dead. My kids don't want me around, where they live really, and my siblings also. It is too scary to them to have someone like my husband or his violent son come around to find me maybe. My only solace is my garden I am starting. My friends are all gone, and my family just watches in horror a lot, wondering when my husband will wake up and throw out his violent son. The DHSH told me to do that, the mental health clinic, because then they can help my stepson. As long as he has family support, they won't help us. We can't even have him committed without a court order called Joel's Law here, and my husband is too scared of his son getting out and trying to kill him, which he has threatened once in the past. Said people would kill all of us, his imaginary secret organization, have this on video, a lot I have on video, it is scary.
I am not sure how to post. When I did on this website last time, I was told to leave. I understand that, but I am not in any position to do that, and I have a domestic violence contact in case I end up being physically abused by either person, they are mainly fearful of the violent stepson, after breaking into our bedroom and taking personal items, throwing them out or keeping them. His garbage, that my husband had me sort, would make your skin crawl.
If you can edit this and title it, put it out there, that would be super, or advice to do this. I tried to start today, and my husband called and I had to wait again.
I have so much going on, it is hard to stay focused on topic.
Thanks for reading. Catnip Tea
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