Guilt: should I try harder to make this work?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Looks like we're about to go through another rough period.

started last night, with a "I need to talk about my feelings" talk, which typically turn into her telling me why I'm wrong/bad for a variety of reasons: not loving her enough, having a relationship with my family (who she claims hate her), for working too much, etc. and this was after a day where I thought things were fine (she had texted me amorous things, sent a picture of her smiling, and she and my mom exchanged texts about how nice the bday gift she sent my mom was and how happy my mom was with her)

so I tried to validate her feelings several times, and then change the subject, but she just kept going around in circles, bringing up new stuff, "moving the goalposts" so to speak when I addressed her concerns, and she eventually started yelling and raising her voice when I pointed this out.  Realizing she was primed for a fight, I finally couldn't take it anymore, got up and went for a walk.

came home about an hour later, and her tone was now "Why are you so upset?  I didn't do anything, and I'm sorry I can't just share my feelings with my husband."

I told her I don't trust her anymore and the reason is because I never know what's coming and I'm tired of being called to the carpet on a weekly basis to answer baseless accusations like whether I'm cheating on her, whether I'm hiding money, that we're not saving enough because I spend $12 at lunch a couple times a week, etc etc.  and also because of her opening a second credit card without telling me after we agreed not to (then reacting angrily when confronted).

I asked her why she stayed married to me, if I was really that bad of a husband, according to all her allegations... .this really set her off.

she left to go sleep in the guest bedroom, and this morning made a big show of taking the kids to daycare (I usually take them in the morning and she picks them up at night) while declaring she was doing this because I "just leave them in front of the TV in the AM" (meanwhile they were sitting and watching TV that she had put on for them)

I know I could probably make this better by coming home with my hat in my hand, bringing her flowers, apologizing, and telling her I'll never leave her.

but I'm sick of this.  Honestly the happiest I get these days is fantasizing about splitting custody so i get time alone with my boys, & starting a new life without her.  

I'm wracked with guilt though... .should I really be willing to walk away, when I could make it better with words?  Am I giving up on this too easily?  Should I stick it out for the kids' sake?  It's really hard to make a decision.  

[PeteWitsend]

Looks like we're about to go through another rough period.

started last night, with a "I need to talk about my feelings" talk, which typically turn into her telling me why I'm wrong/bad for a variety of reasons: not loving her enough, having a relationship with my family (who she claims hate her), for working too much, etc. and this was after a day where I thought things were fine (she had texted me amorous things, sent a picture of her smiling, and she and my mom exchanged texts about how nice the bday gift she sent my mom was and how happy my mom was with her)

so I tried to validate her feelings several times, and then change the subject, but she just kept going around in circles, bringing up new stuff, "moving the goalposts" so to speak when I addressed her concerns, and she eventually started yelling and raising her voice when I pointed this out.  Realizing she was primed for a fight, I finally couldn't take it anymore, got up and went for a walk.

came home about an hour later, and her tone was now "Why are you so upset?  I didn't do anything, and I'm sorry I can't just share my feelings with my husband."

I told her I don't trust her anymore and the reason is because I never know what's coming and I'm tired of being called to the carpet on a weekly basis to answer baseless accusations like whether I'm cheating on her, whether I'm hiding money, that we're not saving enough because I spend $12 at lunch a couple times a week, etc etc.  and also because of her opening a second credit card without telling me after we agreed not to (then reacting angrily when confronted).

I asked her why she stayed married to me, if I was really that bad of a husband, according to all her allegations... .this really set her off.

she left to go sleep in the guest bedroom, and this morning made a big show of taking the kids to daycare (I usually take them in the morning and she picks them up at night) while declaring she was doing this because I "just leave them in front of the TV in the AM" (meanwhile they were sitting and watching TV that she had put on for them)

I know I could probably make this better by coming home with my hat in my hand, bringing her flowers, apologizing, and telling her I'll never leave her.

but I'm sick of this.  Honestly the happiest I get these days is fantasizing about splitting custody so i get time alone with my boys, & starting a new life without her.  

I'm wracked with guilt though... .should I really be willing to walk away, when I could make it better with words?  Am I giving up on this too easily?  Should I stick it out for the kids' sake?  It's really hard to make a decision.  

[byfaith]

Hey PW,

I hate that you are going through this

I know I could probably make this better by coming home with my hat in my hand, bringing her flowers, apologizing, and telling her I'll never leave her.

this used to make me "feel good" until I came to the realization that it didn't matter what I did there would always be something wrong with me. Things could be "ok" for a week and then boom! That cycle never ended. It's like a black hole you can never fill.

when I could make it better with words? 

As I used words to appease the situation I died more on the inside and lost who I really was or almost lost who I was. That was not healthy. I am climbing out of the hole

I wish you the best

BF

[PeteWitsend]

thanks.

I realize I've got a lot of resentment toward her.  It stems - mostly - from making excuses for her behavior, like you said, while deep down being unhappy with the situation, knowing it will continue like this forever.

I also compare my situation to some others here; I don't know why it matters, but I tell myself she's not as extreme as some (no physical violence, or self harm & on a rare occasion she actually does apologize for her behavior leading me think there is hope for her).  in doing this, I start to guilt myself into feeling like I should try harder to make this work & sometimes I could do a better job communicating.  then i doubt my motives... .am i just looking for a way out? 

It's hard to sort this all out in my head.  I remember though that I was happy once... .And then I remember my happiness stops when she decides to dump the "feelings" talk on me, bombs me with text messages while I'm at work, or sends me passive aggressive emails about whether I like someone in the office, etc.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pete, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, because I was once in your shoes, married to a pwBPD and the father of two young boys.  Let's set aside the guilt for purposes of this discussion.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  To paraphrase Dante, the poet wrote that, in the middle of life, I was lost in a dark road with no discernible path out.  I like that quotation because it expressed my sentiments exactly.  I felt that I had lost my way in life, and lost myself in the process, which was not fun, as I suspect you can relate.  It took me a while to find my path again, but I did it.  You can do it, too.

LuckyJim

[PeteWitsend]

Hey Pete, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, because I was once in your shoes, married to a pwBPD and the father of two young boys.  Let's set aside the guilt for purposes of this discussion.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  ... .

LuckyJim

Hey Jim, thanks.  I meant to reply to this sooner, but have gotten sidetracked with RL. 

What would I like to see happen?  I would like my wife to chill out.  I'd like her to become who I thought I married... .someone happy and positive, eager to start her career and see the world... .not someone terrified of abandonment, jealous, insecure, and accusatory.  and someone who when pushed, has no problem lying and fabricating incredibly nasty rumors to get her way, while of course loudly proclaiming she can't stand lying.

I can do the validation thing and fight to set boundaries and keep them some of the time, but I'm just too tired of it.  after all the irrational fights, and circular arguments over the years over so many absurd things, I have trouble seeing the upside.  I want to stay together for my kids mostly... .She really makes it hard to love her. 

my gut feelings?  Scared for what a separation and divorce would do to my boys (almost 2 & almost 4).  I know they'll be confused and upset by it.  and I also worry about whether she can take care of them on her own for days on end (I would fight for as close to 50/50 custody as I could get).  plus she gets wrapped up in her own emotions; to the neglect of their needs.  both kids have gotten injured (not too badly but still needing trips to the ER) after she ignored them (probably so she could text with friends of talk on the phone).

some people have said to me: screw that.  your kids will be fine whatever the outcome, and sure she'll engage in alienation tactics with them, but they'll figure it out.  I've also read some comments here about kids actually losing respect for the non-BPD parent because they wonder why they stayed and took the abuse. I'm struggling with this mightily.

[Red5]

Hello PeteWitsend, I am also sorry to hear you are going through this, know that you are not alone.

You had typed this (below), and it struck little nerve with me, as I can certainly relate (wow), as this has happened to me countless times over the last few years I have spent with my uBPDw... .

You said, ."she just kept going around in circles, bringing up new stuff, "moving the goalposts" so to speak when I addressed her concerns, and she eventually started yelling and raising her voice when I pointed this out.  Realizing she was primed for a fight, I finally couldn't take it anymore, got up and went for a walk. "

Yes, I remember many long nights, and the fights we had before I had any kind of "realization" as to what was going on... .

You also said, ."irrational fights, and circular arguments over the years over so many absurd things, I have trouble seeing the upside."... .

Me too !... .yes, I can certainly relate to that one (circular arguments)  ... .it was like I was arguing with a teenager sometimes, but in fact it was my forty-eight year old wife.

This is my second marriage, and I won't go into all that here, .but I remarried, we have been together for ten, an married for six (years)... .man I thought I knew some things after the first one, but I soon found over time that I did not... .

I understand your plight, as you have two small children, I stayed in my first marriage because I did not want to leave my kids alone with her (1st wife), and I did not trust her in any joint custody arrangement, in regards to their safety... .so I stayed until the bitter end, and then I became a single father with full custody.

My children are all in their twenties, and early thirties now, it was a long hard road, but I am glad I stayed as long as I did, .as my children have turned out alright, and I think if I had not stayed, things would have been very different, I would do anything for my children !

Hang in there Pete !... .as I said you are not alone... .

P.S... .last night marked a whole week on the couch for me... .my record so far is five weeks, oh boy !

 

  

[Lucky Jim]

It's hard to sort this all out in my head.  I remember though that I was happy once... .And then I remember my happiness stops when she decides to dump the "feelings" talk on me, bombs me with text messages while I'm at work, or sends me passive aggressive emails about whether I like someone in the office, etc.

Hello again, Pete, I can relate to what you wrote above, because the same thing happened to me.  I reached a point where I was miserable in my marriage.  All the drama and abuse took its toll on me.  The likelihood of your W chilling out and becoming happy and positive again, sad to say, may be unrealistic.  I waited for that to happen, too, yet it was like a mirage, unattainable.  As to the impact of a separation on your children, that's a tough call and I understand why you are struggling with it.  I like to think that I demonstrated to my kids that change is possible and one need not remain in an abusive situation.  Whether that lesson will sink in remains unknown (they are teenagers).  As Red5 notes, others have been down this path before you so hang in there.

LuckyJim

[DaddyBear77]

I realize I've got a lot of resentment toward her. 

That's pretty damn common here. My suggestion is to NOT let that fester too long. The unacknowledged, unexpressed resentment has built inside me and now I can feel it turning toward anger and rage. It would have been easier to find healthy outlets for expressing my resentment than it is now to find healthy ways to express anger and rage.

I also compare my situation to some others here; I don't know why it matters, but I tell myself she's not as extreme as some

To put it bluntly, thanks to a great thread I posted a few weeks back, I have found that comparisons with others wastes my time. First of all, you know a sliver of someone's story. Sometimes it feels like there is such a strong correlation to your own story when hearing someone else's. Go with that feeling, but don't try and scrutinize every element and say "oh, well since I don't have THAT problem with my pwBPD, I should just tough it out." How do you know that that person does NOT have that element but just didn't express it? Furthermore, does my suffering affect your suffering?

I can tell you that so much of what you are saying rings true to me. I am suffering. So are you. Let's leave it at that.

It's hard to sort this all out in my head.

The thread I just posted should give you some indication of how common that feeling is. Also, people shared a lot of great advice there.

I have more to say but I just wanted to get a quick note to you to say I hear you and I'm right there with you.

[Grey Kitty]

my gut feelings?  Scared for what a separation and divorce would do to my boys (almost 2 & almost 4).  I know they'll be confused and upset by it.  and I also worry about whether she can take care of them on her own for days on end (I would fight for as close to 50/50 custody as I could get).  plus she gets wrapped up in her own emotions; to the neglect of their needs.  both kids have gotten injured (not too badly but still needing trips to the ER) after she ignored them (probably so she could text with friends of talk on the phone).

If you want to protect your kids, consider what you need to protect them from:

You identified that the conflict of a custody fight and you moving out would be hard on them. I won't argue.

You are glossing over two other things which are very harmful to them if you stay:

1. Your wife's neglect that sent them to the ER! While you claim that those incidents "weren't that bad", it seems to me that this is the kind of thing that gets kids taken away by CPS, and if nothing else, you want to be the one that they give the kids to, rather than be seen as part of the problem!

2. Your children are learning what a normal marriage looks like by watching you and your wife. The lesson they are learning is that abusive patterns are normal. That lesson will teach them to repeat this pattern as adults, either as abusers or by accepting abuse.

I think you are looking at a very important issue--your children's welfare. Please consider all the dangers to it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I want to catch up more with this thread, but, quickly I wanted to add that I have a huge (unwarranted) guilt button.  I [can be caused to] feel so bad, that I somehow get spun up into taking care of my wife, and trying to be better and better.  Until recently.  I have reached the dead battery phase of my marriage.  I'm just chiming in to say that it's okay to put your foot down and say "enough."  You may find that you can re-charge and go back to taking the abuse and still being good, but, you can also take a time out for yourself and not take care of your wife.  

I'm tired of it too.  You're alright, and in good company here.

[ACObound]

First, I would reiterate exactly(as in word for word) what SamizeGamgee shared.  Second,  My "kids"(now 25 and 23). in my opinion, had a much better perception of what was going on then I did.  I have spent the last 20 years of this 36+ year relationship in a world of FOG. it dang near killed me and I still have alot to work out with myself, but I'm getting there.  I'm tired and I have had enough.  GK and I suspect others will give some great advice on the kid part of it.   Good luck and as so many here will say... .take care of yourself. 

[HopefulDad]

If you want to protect your kids, consider what you need to protect them from:

You identified that the conflict of a custody fight and you moving out would be hard on them. I won't argue.

You are glossing over two other things which are very harmful to them if you stay:

1. Your wife's neglect that sent them to the ER! While you claim that those incidents "weren't that bad", it seems to me that this is the kind of thing that gets kids taken away by CPS, and if nothing else, you want to be the one that they give the kids to, rather than be seen as part of the problem!

2. Your children are learning what a normal marriage looks like by watching you and your wife. The lesson they are learning is that abusive patterns are normal. That lesson will teach them to repeat this pattern as adults, either as abusers or by accepting abuse.

I think you are looking at a very important issue--your children's welfare. Please consider all the dangers to it.

Co-sign.

While so many focus on "staying for the sake of the kids", I strongly urge a very close look at "leaving for the sake of the kids".

[Lucky Jim]

While so many focus on "staying for the sake of the kids", I strongly urge a very close look at "leaving for the sake of the kids".

Concur, HopefulDad.  If nothing else, my leaving reduced the conflict and drama in the household, which I view as a good thing for the kids.  LJ

[ArleighBurke]

PeteWitsend:

I think I have been in the same situation as you - married to the BPD wife with kids currently 13/10/7. After 14yrs marriage I had a mental breakdown, almost had an affair, so started seeing a Psych. Really opened my eyes to what i was actually living in. For the last 4 years I've been working on my own sanity. I have done a heap of self-reflection and core value development. I employ all the tools i can for dealing with a BPD to try to make life better. And I stayed because I *thought* if I did enough things could change, and "because of the kids".

And finally I realised that she was never going to get better. I was unhappy. On edge. Empty. Feeling unloved.

So i left her.

Now it's only been 2 weeks, so i can't comment on the long term, but people who don't know my situation tell me how much more relaxed I seem - more outgoing. My eating has changed already (I think I used to stress eat a lot). It is obvious now just how much stress I was under just remaining in the home.

This will be hard on the kids. I've talked with the 14yr old and we cried together - both uncertain of what may come. I have yet to tell the other 2 (the excuse is Dad's away for work). I worry about the effect of them living in the home with mum and not me, so i am making sure that I have as much time with them as I can (and luckily my wife is agreeing because she gets stressed having them all to herself for a whole day anyway).

Sometime I think I have chosen my own happinness over my kids wellbeing. But my counsellors and phychologists tell me that kids are resilient - I can only hope so. They also echo what others have said - what message are you sending your kids about relationships if you stay?

If you choose to stay, you need to be SOLID on your frame. Walking out when she is raging is good - you also need to get to a mental state where you are solid and robust - that can be very difficult with her constant attacks. (I thought I was doing pretty well at being un-touched until I moved out and felt the difference).

I hope in 12 months I don't look back and regret this. It is a massive decision. I hope one day my kids will forgive me.

[BrianTx]

PeteWitsend, I can so relate to everything that you posted.  I feels like you and I are going through some of the same things particularly with trying to communicate with our wives.  One thing that has helped me deal with it is to NOT take things that she says personally. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Looking at this thread tells me I'm not alone. 

A little while ago I overcame the concept of "staying for the kids."  For me, I took it down to a question of responsibility.  They (my kids) did not choose to come into my life.  I invited them.  They did not choose their mom.  I did.  They did not choose the mental health threat they live in.  No one did really, but for the sake of argument, I did.  Of course, if I would have known my wife like I do now, and if (big if) I could have learned to be aware of red flags and mental health, and know what an impact that all has on my welfare, I would not have married my wife.  My kids, out of it all, are not to blame, and should not hold any trace of me "Staying for the Kids."  I feel like that makes them almost responsible, or almost scapegoats for the situation that they did not choose.  I know that they do not choose whether dad and mom stay married.  Mostly, I do.

I do have regret that my 16 year old daughter is stonewalling me, and almost word for word copies her waif BPD mom.  She's almost like a clone in many regards.  I am sad that I am responsible for choosing her mom, and possibly leading to my daughter's unhappy future - unless she gets help (which I am attempting).

I have tried to do a lot to fix my life.  I have come a very far way in my personal mental health and happiness. I am still married, but increasingly see this as an unsustainable life choice.  I cannot speak to whether my staying or leaving will be better or worse for them.  I don't know if kids really do better or will learn at this point that if I leave it is a model of good mental health.  Of course I want them to recognize red flags, be emotionally intelligent, and leave an abusive relationship.  However, I'm so good now at surviving and keeping my own happiness, that I'm not sure kids see the deep problems like I do.  Maybe they can't, or shouldn't see it either.  They have to wonder why dad sleeps on his own in the basement.  Maybe they notice that mom and dad never kiss, hold hands, sit next to each other, or are anything more than courteous.   Maybe it's normal to them.  I think a lot of kids concerns are self-centered.  They want food, rides, money, stability, friends.  They want to know their life is safe and they can get the things they want. 

Divorce can't be good for them and their needs.  Or can it? 

It was very hard for me to start this, but, I have started to think that me being a "selfish ass" could be good.  I am starting to believe that if I leave this marriage, and do my best to take care of me, and fight tooth and nail for the kids benefit, it would be good for everyone involved.  And, it's quite possibly good for my wife to be pushed into this next phase.  There's a lot of bad history, and we are both admitting that there are many things that "we'll never go through again" in our relationship.  So, lovingly, I could let her go. 

And that would be my choice, not the kids, not my wife.  A choice for me to survive.  A new beginning.   

[BrianTx]

@SamwizeGamgee, For me my kids are older and realize that mom has a problem.  They actually ask me why I am still with her.  They understand that I will love them no matter what.  I have reassured them that I will never stop supporting mom even if we get a divorce.  I want them all to be happy and healthy.  I am sorry to hear that your 16 year old is stonewalling you.  Dealing w/ just the wife is painful enough, I can't imagine the additional pain of having your children join in.  I think you are heading down the right path with choosing to put your health/happiness first.  It will make it easier for you to be positive in their lives.

[Grey Kitty]

I employ all the tools i can for dealing with a BPD to try to make life better. And I stayed because I *thought* if I did enough things could change, and "because of the kids".

And finally I realised that she was never going to get better. I was unhappy. On edge. Empty. Feeling unloved.

So i left her.

I hope in 12 months I don't look back and regret this. It is a massive decision. I hope one day my kids will forgive me.

I want to commend you on what you did here--You learned that your wife's mental illness was causing huge problems. You learned that you were part of the patterns of dsyfunction around it.

You didn't leave then, you did your best to improve the situation, what you could do. At that point, your wife *MIGHT* have been able to change, to do things differently, and you would have stayed and kept working at it if she did. Sadly that wasn't the result.

Now you know you tried your best, using the right tools, and it still wasn't enough. I think when you look back, that will help you find peace with your choice.

[ArleighBurke]

Leaving is a difficult choice and I see great arguements on both sides (with regards to the kids' safety/sanity/mental states).

I don't know if there's ever a good answer - just 2 bad answers you have to choose from.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I feel I should clarify my above statement.  I've been thinking that I sounded too dogmatic.  In no way am I condemning those who "stay for the kids" - in fact I am probably the poster child for staying for the kids.  There's no love left for my wife, and nothing to gain otherwise.  I'm staying to provide and protect the kids _for the time being_.
The key to what I wanted to present was that I don't recommend using the kids as the reason, or making staying or going as something they are responsible for.  Rather, stay or go based on YOUR decision.  I have chosen to stay at the present time, so that I can have access to my kids and keep furthering my personal growth before things blow up in a divorce.  I respect also those who leave, when deciding they can provide better for themselves, and therefore their kids by leaving.  I think I'm on that path.
There's an idea that came up to me in a T visit, in that I can stay married because I feel trapped and hopeless, or choose to stay married for some good reasons.  Choice gives us that sense of being in control of our life.
Please don't think that there's a wrong answer to staying or going.  (And if you find a right answer - please let me know!)  Sorry if I've confused anyone, or made an offense.
It is as Arleigh says, two bad answers.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ArleighBurke, I admire your courage to make a change.  Many here fear the unknown, with good reason, yet I would suggest the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  I was miserable and, like you, had sort of a breakdown after 13 years of marriage which led to a separation from my BPDxW.  Once out of the BPD turmoil, I never seriously considered going back.  It was a relief to be free from an abusive situation and I enjoyed how peaceful it was to come home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  As you note, there are no easy answers and it's not like one size fits all, yet I wanted to let you know that others have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

Thanks all for your kind words, and I apologise for stealing the thread.

I too debated whether I could choose to stay, work on myself, and protect the kids, but be separate from my wife. I knew i could, but I would not be "free". Because even if it was my choice to stay, she will still be a weight around my neck. (Even separated she's still a weight - with kids i will have to negotiate stuff with her for another 10yrs... .). If i stayed I would hope i could be strong enough to withstand her, but I feared a bit more of me would die every day.

But mostly, and selfishly, I *want* to be loved. I *want* to be around people who appriciate me. I *want* to find a woman who i can laugh and enjoy life with. Someone I can bare my soul to and feel accepted. Finding her will take time, and I want to start NOW. This is MY life and I deserve to be happy. Yes i make this choice aware that I may be trading my children's happiness for my own, but i don't think i am. I think they will be OK. I think the positive i show them during my 50% time will far outweigh the negative.

I hope.

Time will tell.

[flourdust]

It's a fair observation, Arleigh. You only get one life -- you have to decide what to do with it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Arleigh I'm [not quite] Sorry for jumping on this stolen tangent.  However, you just put into words parts of my situation.  Right down to the ten more years of custody and child support.  My youngest is six, and allowing for a two year divorce, I was figuring about 10 years of custody issues. I had accepted that I can try to make the best of it - which is normally a healthy outlook.  But, to make the best of my life with my uBPDw just involves a betrayal of who I am now.  Maybe I could have stayed married if I stayed in my state from 5 years ago.  But, I know too much and I listen to my inner self too much now.

As for being selfish, I suddenly agree.  Wow.  Thanks. I had intentionally and willfully banished the idea of being really loved, and forbidden the idea of finding a good woman, anytime soon - or ever.  I thought that if I did, I'd beguile myself into a path of unhappiness looking for greener grass on the other side.  However, you make a good point.  I have one life.

(Added later) -- you know, I don't think you have to choose between your happiness and your kids' happiness.  I know kids overcome a lot.  I am thinking of the example of college.  I won't take loans for my kids' college.  I have tried to save up a little for them, but, when that's gone, they have to fend for themselves.  Must justification is that I worked my way up, and mostly, I can't take a loan for my retirement.  I lived my life, earned what I earned, shared what I can, but, college money is like my emotional health  - I can't loan it or borrow it later in life.  Wow. I just made that connection.  Thanks.

As for peace.  That's become a driving desire in my life.  I find myself saying it to myself, and even out loud.  I want peace.  I want to not have to constantly guard words, or know that my wife is lurking and wrongly interpreting everything I say.

[Lucky Jim]

ArleighBurke: Right, it's your life and you deserve to be happy.  I don't find your "wants" to be selfish at all.  To the contrary, I think those are healthy goals, which I can confirm are attainable down the road if that is the path you end up choosing.  LJ

[Dragon72]

A marriage should be based on love.

Love ought to mean
trust,
compassion,
intimacy,
acceptance of... .
and respect for... .
the individuality of the other person. 
 
Is your relationship based on love by my definition?  Does it matter to you if it isn't?

[SamwizeGamgee]

AB - I just looked back and saw one red flag.  You say you want to start to find "her" now. 
I's advise caution in putting that step before the steps of getting your footing now, getting yourself healthier and happier, and figuring out how you got where you are first.  That, and you need a clear head and vision to pursue a separation and divorce. 
just sayin.

[ArleighBurke]

Samwize: I mean I want to START LOOKING for her now - I know it'll take time to find her - because I am still changing, and because I'm picky!

I started working on myself probably 4 years ago. And i think i stopped working on my current marriage 4 months ago. The actual decision to leave my wife was hard, but I think I subconsciously made that choice months ago, so it hasn't been too bad for me.

I don't know what a "normal" relationship looks like! I can imagine, but I've got to test it out. So if I start dating now it'll be from a mindset of "research/fun/growth". I will NOT enter into anything commited/longterm - I will keep things casual until I feel I'm ready - I can see that being 8 months easily.