criteria for PO

[EyesUp]

One of the things that's kept me going is that there has never been drug abuse, alcohol problems, or overt physical violence.

On the whole, we live well.  Until my disordered wife quit her job for no clear reason, we both made good money, lived in a good community, traveled, entertained...  had three kids.  All the things.

I overlooked her persistent, unpredictable anger (glad I journaled consistently for the past 7 years - that's help bring clarity), depression, and anxiety.

Overlooked her recurring accusations and criticisms (and defended against the same WAY too much). 

Last summer, her infidelity was a jolt to the system, but my initial response was to double down on the relationship, and find any possible reason not to destroy our home, hurt our kids, or hurt her.

8 months later, I've finally started to recognize what I'm truly dealing with - thanks in large part to what I've learned here.

As I prepare to file for D, I am apprehensive of chaotic countermeasures.  I'm worried about false DVs, the works.

Which leads me to ask (and yes, I know this is a question for my atty):  Is there a basis to file with protective / temp orders based on recent suicide threats (last fall)?  A pattern of high reactivity?  Other?

Is there anything else I can do to protect our kids / myself at this moment?

TIA.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello EyesUp, welcome to this forum.  Some great folks in here, and if you can spare the time to search in here, there are lots of stories that will help you plan. 

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy?  It's a great primer on what you can expect as you proceed down the journey of separation and divorce.  Be very, very careful about sharing information.  Assume anything say can, and will be used against you.  Document, document, and document some more.  Is there any chance at violence?  Even a small chance?  If so, please create a safety plan and be prepared to execute it.   Do you think you will have to make a "surprise" exit?  My GF had to plan and leave with the children without letting her xBPDh know until the day she left.  She left a note letting him know she had the children and all were safe, but that she intended to divorce.  The note she left was crafted using information from this forum and her lawyer to be sure she met all the legal requirements regarding taking the children until a temporary custody sharing agreement was in place.   

Also, one of the mantra's in here is "put your mask on first".  Or as I read the other day in here, "put your life jacket on first".  Please make time for some self care.  You need to be at your best.  Get good sleep.  Eat healthy.  Exercise.  Good luck.  Keep posting and asking questions.  Good luck.  CoMo

[EyesUp]

Thanks, CM.

Yes, I've read Splitting, and will read it again.

My emergency exit options are not great... 

[CoherentMoose]

EyesUp, what are your thoughts/plan on the initial separation while you work through the divorce process?  Will you be leaving the home taking the children with you?  Have your wife leave?  You leave, but leave the children at home with her, or try and stay in the home while you work through the divorce?  If you are thinking about having a TRO put into place at some point, then separate living quarters is mandatory.  My two cents worth is not to share living quarters if there is any chance at false (or real) DV behavior.  Play defense and protect yourself.  Be very deliberate assuming the worse behavior possible for your planning.  It costs more up front, but I believe it's worth the cost.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

Will you be leaving the home taking the children with you?  Have your wife leave?

There is a reason for such questions.  Society often assumes the father gets booted and the kids stay behind with the mother.  That assumption, as you well know, doesn't apply to every separation.

So if you're pondering a protection order, you ought to make a decent effort to include the children to be with you, whether you stay and she goes or vice versa.  However, that may be a tough task.  But you at least have to try.  I suspect the court will assume the protection is for one spouse from the other — or each other — and make an order for the kids as usual.

In my case the police got involved.  She was arrested and I got a TPO (and temp possession of the residence) but as soon as she got out Monday morning she went over to family court and got her own TPO.  Probably I didn't have time to ponder what might happen next but maybe I assumed that with a pending charge against her it would all work out in my favor.  What I didn't anticipate was that in her TPO petition she included our preschooler with her.  And the judge granted it until I was able to attend a hearing a couple weeks later.  Her TPO case was continued a few more hearings but fortunately our son was removed from her petition that day.

So we each had an TPO for a few months.  What about our son?  Family court of course kept us separate but for our son it set up a parenting schedule.  I was surprised.  She had a Threat of DV case pending against her but the other court gifted her their typical "mother preference" schedule... she got temporary custody and temporary majority parenting time.  I got alternate weekends and a three hour evening in between.  And then when I filed for divorce and we eventually got another TPO for the divorce, it had identical terms.

Over time I realized the court system saw a problem between the adults but didn't consider it extending to the parenting.

I hear some courts aren't so preferential by default to mothers but that's why, whatever the outcome might be, you do try to get the "least bad" temp order.

[EyesUp]

Thanks, both.

I've got three kids: D6, D10, D12.

We cannot afford two houses.  I cannot afford much, in fact, after W quit her job two years ago and proceeded to accuse me of controlling money anytime I attempted to broach the topic of budget...

In order to D, we'll need to cohabitate in our current house.  I can move to the living room, and we can keep the kids in their home. 

If absolutely necessary, we both have family that may be able to host one of us on a temporary basis. We could do rotations in the house with the kids, e.g., alternating time with kids at home.  Pre-Covid I traveled frequently, so this is not entirely unfamiliar to the kids.

At some point, we'll need to agree to (or be ordered to) sell the house to settle debt.  We'll both walk away with a mostly clean slate, I'll be able to cover expected support once debt is settled.

I've been in touch with the local PD in anticipation of filing and potential reactivity, spoken directly with the detective who manages DVs for advice and information, and also had calls with the social worker who accompanied police to our home following prior 911 calls.

I expect to file today, and will look to serve shortly.  It won't be entirely unexpected, and I will aim to deliver the message in the most kind and supportive way possible (ironic, yes - I simply mean without anger or malice).

If she implodes, I know I can call 911, I know she can go to her mother's house, I know I can request temporary orders at that point.

Navigating through the minefield...

[ForeverDad]

The time of highest risk of an Incident is at or soon after the time of service or separation.  The odds are high a disordered spouse will rant/rage or plot to creae some incident to make you look worse than the stbEx.  Keep your recording device nearby or on, but don't wave it around like a red flag at a bullfight.

This perspective may help... You're not recording her, you're recording yourself so that you have proof you are not behaving poorly, aggressively or abusively.  However, if she happens to be nearby...

We cannot afford two houses... If absolutely necessary, we both have family that may be able to host one of us on a temporary basis. We could do rotations in the house with the kids, e.g., alternating time with kids at home.  Pre-Covid I traveled frequently, so this is not entirely unfamiliar to the kids... At some point, we'll need to agree to (or be ordered to) sell the house to settle debt.  We'll both walk away with a mostly clean slate, I'll be able to cover expected support once debt is settled.

I believe the term you can search here is "nesting".  That is impractical for very long, both financially and over time.  What would you do if she refused to depart when your parenting time started?  What would you do if one of the kids was ill and she insisted to come and take over on your parenting time?

Despite an order which clearly declares which parent has which time with the kids, it's guaranteed your ex will find some pretext to barge in and take over on your parenting time.  She will find some excuse to keep her items there and keep it "her home" and you the "visitor".  Best to have your home and her home separate and neither of you allowed to cross that Boundary unless there's a real urgency.  Millions of divorced children do fine shuttling between their parents' homes and they're okay.  That concept that the kids stay and the parents pop in and out rarely succeeds and isn't necessary.

I have heard of that working but it takes two emotionally mature and responsible adults who can put the best interests of their kids first. You will not get that with BPD. It’s just asking too much from them and will eventually blow up. I agree a traditional arrangement with two homes is probably best. That is what I am going to be working towards.

[EyesUp]

Update, my atty confirmed that the complaint is en route to the court, however the system is backed up 2-5 weeks... 

Somehow I missed this detail. 

I understood that there were delays, but understood it would follow - not precede - the summons.

Ugh.

I have some minor comfort today, knowing that the paperwork is complete and that the complaint is in process.  However my schedule to disclose the filing and then serve has obviously changed... 

Every day, an adventure.