Long Intro

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello, I found this site/board from the back of "Splitting" I have filed divorce papers and they have been delivered. The problem is my children have been seriously alienated from me. They are with me, but do not listen, currently are not doing their school. I have good days with them, but lately they have had TERRIBLE tantrums, especially after returning from their father. Their father is not allowed here at this time due to assault charges. He is counting on them being dismissed as he claims and my children will claim never happened. He tried to get a PFA against me twice, he had on the paper that I should be evicted from home and not allowed any contact with the children. No phone calls, texts, letters--nothing. Both times he was denied. The second time he requested a hearing. I was fortunate to get a lawyer from legal aid. He represented himself, nevertheless, the children lied when questioned about me, many things he tried to ask them were over ruled because they had nothing to do with his original complaints in the request. I did not even have to testify and it was dismissed.
He told me many times while he was still here that he will do anything to win, if I don't take his agreement he will bury me in court. He basically wants me to get nothing.
He is going for 100% full custody, support and would like to claim that I am not entitled to my equity in the home as I have no proof I put any money toward it. He is also claiming the home was pre-marriage (that it was) and was purchased as investment property. We purchased home due to growing family.
In the meantime, he has been having an affair (which he denied up until the end of March) with a 22 year old girl who I believe has worse mental issues than him.
I have sought counseling for my children and have been turned away because all the counselors that offer mobile therapy only take state medical insurance. The boys won't go anywhere with me unless its a ride to their friends or shopping.
I am in a financial bind. I got a lawyer to file my papers which cost $550. Most of the lawyers want $1500  to $2000 just to start a case. This lawyer doesn't seem to understand how my husband is. He thinks he is all talk, but he has the money and a hot-shot attorney, so I am quite scared. Even if I had money for a high-conflict court battle, I would still be scared. The boys, him and his girlfriend have shown that they have no problem lying in court. Also, while I am here I am expected to pay all the bills and groceries. I have just started working 3 years ago. I had been a stay at home mom since the oldest was born (2002). I make $250 a week.
I have called so many agencies in the area, and they are all sympathetic, but nothing they can really do for me.
I have been able to stop the husband and girlfriend from their daily harassment for the time being, but I know that they still talk to the boys and tell them things. Things to do to me, how everything is my fault, everything will be great once they get me out etc.
Any advice?

[rocketqueen]

Hello, I found this site/board from the back of "Splitting" I have filed divorce papers and they have been delivered. The problem is my children have been seriously alienated from me. They are with me, but do not listen, currently are not doing their school. I have good days with them, but lately they have had TERRIBLE tantrums, especially after returning from their father. Their father is not allowed here at this time due to assault charges. He is counting on them being dismissed as he claims and my children will claim never happened. He tried to get a PFA against me twice, he had on the paper that I should be evicted from home and not allowed any contact with the children. No phone calls, texts, letters--nothing. Both times he was denied. The second time he requested a hearing. I was fortunate to get a lawyer from legal aid. He represented himself, nevertheless, the children lied when questioned about me, many things he tried to ask them were over ruled because they had nothing to do with his original complaints in the request. I did not even have to testify and it was dismissed.
He told me many times while he was still here that he will do anything to win, if I don't take his agreement he will bury me in court. He basically wants me to get nothing.
He is going for 100% full custody, support and would like to claim that I am not entitled to my equity in the home as I have no proof I put any money toward it. He is also claiming the home was pre-marriage (that it was) and was purchased as investment property. We purchased home due to growing family.
In the meantime, he has been having an affair (which he denied up until the end of March) with a 22 year old girl who I believe has worse mental issues than him.
I have sought counseling for my children and have been turned away because all the counselors that offer mobile therapy only take state medical insurance. The boys won't go anywhere with me unless its a ride to their friends or shopping.
I am in a financial bind. I got a lawyer to file my papers which cost $550. Most of the lawyers want $1500  to $2000 just to start a case. This lawyer doesn't seem to understand how my husband is. He thinks he is all talk, but he has the money and a hot-shot attorney, so I am quite scared. Even if I had money for a high-conflict court battle, I would still be scared. The boys, him and his girlfriend have shown that they have no problem lying in court. Also, while I am here I am expected to pay all the bills and groceries. I have just started working 3 years ago. I had been a stay at home mom since the oldest was born (2002). I make $250 a week.
I have called so many agencies in the area, and they are all sympathetic, but nothing they can really do for me.
I have been able to stop the husband and girlfriend from their daily harassment for the time being, but I know that they still talk to the boys and tell them things. Things to do to me, how everything is my fault, everything will be great once they get me out etc.
Any advice?

[takingandsending]

Hi rocketqueen and Welcome to bpdfamily.

It sounds as if you have been through the ringer. Regarding your children, how old are they - sounds as if oldest is 15? Tantrums and acting out are pretty normal responses when kids are in the middle of conflict between their parents, but refusing to go anywhere with you certainly raises red flags, particularly if you were a SAHM since 2002 - 2014. You may want to read up on parental alienation on this site and I think resources are provided as well. As you still have good days with them on and off, as much as possible, try to provide as much validation for your kids as you can - it's the one thing they cannot get from BPD/NPD parent. Acknowledge their anger, their unhappiness, and ask validating questions like, I can see how being in the middle of this conflict between me and dad is unfair to you. What do you do about it? or How do you feel about it? You may not be able to stop your xh and his gf from trashing you, but you can see the hurt and harm your kids are bearing and let them know you see it. Sometimes, that little island of recognition can mean so much.

Regarding the house equity, do you live in a communal property state? In my state, if you live together for 5 or more years, the property rights are 50/50. So, whether or not you paid into the equity makes no difference, nor does ownership prior to your marriage.

Most people with BPD talk big threats and promise a lot of punitive actions against their spouses during the divorce process. My soon to be xw and I are in a collaborative divorce process, and believe me, she tells me about every session that I am lucky she is so considerate because she could take the house, kids, and everything I have if she wanted. This is strictly in violation of the collaborative agreement that we signed, but it is her blowing hot air. Our property rights are 50/50, I am establishing my access to the kids (sold myself short of 50/50 when I needn't have). In the end, you will have to consult with an attorney and, if you read Splitting, you understand that you need to find one who is experienced in taking case to trial and in dealing with BPD/NPD.

There are a lot of other folks who hopefully will come on and provide some further support. We can't give you legal advise, but there is a whole lot of experience in this community. You don't have to walk through this process alone. We have all gone or are going through it and can help. Hang in there and know that you are doing the right thing by fighting for your rights and the well being of your children.

[flourdust]

Hi, rocket. Talkingandsending makes a very important point - don't take any self-serving legal "advice" from your BPDh. He will absolutely makes promises, threats, and predictions that are based in how he sees reality, not how a judge sees it.

It sounds like the first problem you have to triage is financial. Your husband has money, but he's cut you off? This is definitely something the court system can fix. Contact an attorney or legal aid again - you need an ex parte order for emergency relief. Depending on the court system, this can be a quick hearing in front of a judge, without even involving your husband, that results in a temporary order for financial support from your husband while you work out divorce issues. This can cover your living expenses and even potentially a retainer for an attorney. Get this taken care of first, and then you'll have enough security to plan your next steps.

[rocketqueen]

Thank you for the welcome and replies.
Boys are 11 and 14, I have read up on parental alienation. I have a book on that too, its very discouraging because a lot of things I read say that courts don't usually see that. It has gone on too long.  Looking back, he must have been preparing for this all along, since they were little all they heard was derogatory comments directed at me, they have recently got worse and downright lies. I know they do see his bad side, especially older one. When they were younger, he used to put them against each other. He does that less now, its mostly them against me now. So I have been taking the advice in the alienation book, remaining consistent and positive. I do tell them the truth and stick up for myself, especially with the lies. (affairs, giving our food to my bf, I'm crazy, stupid, freeloader etc.) They tell me often it would be so much easier if you just left. Much of what they say is repeating what he drills in their heads. I have thought to give in many times, but my maternal instinct to protect them and stop this keeps me here. I have tried to please him for 15 years, and I haven't run around or did wrong things. I just got sick of the lying and disrespect and called him out on it, so that makes me the bad guy (girl) in his eyes.

The money is a problem. I think he will probably hide money. He already cashed out his 401k and I think he is living off that now. I was never included in any of the financial decisions or aware of our/his finances. Our state is an equitable distribution state. Meaning, what you put in, you get out. If I go for support, it will prove what he has been telling them, that I can't afford this place and that is why I should go. I did want to go, but fear if I do, I will totally lose the boys and any influence I have on them. Also, since this girl came in the picture I know he wanted to move her in. I am sure she isn't with him for love and doesn't have good intentions. She is already back with her xbf from what I hear.

He showed his true colors with them today. The little one called and called him to pick him up, and he kept stringing him along, then finally at 5 he picked them up. They came back in a half hour and he peeled out like a nut, little one almost in tears, oldest very angry. Oldest said he was being a jerk, complaining about everything, saying all the things oldest been doing for him (more than he should be asking of a 14 yo, IMO) is not right. Then after a bit the youngest starts calling him and he came back, oldest didn't want to go. He came back with an xbox gift card and told brother to get his gift which was WAY more expensive. He went to where he was parked and came back with a skateboard. So you can see he does the hot/cold thing with them too and it makes me sick. I never thought he would be like this, the way he was in the beginning, but especially the way he has NO problem whatsoever using these boys as his tools. I don't recall if I mentioned about him trying to get a PFA on me in my first post. In an odd way, that seemed to play in my favor with the court and the boys.

Thanks for listening and being here.

[ForeverDad]

Validation is all about reinforcing the correct observations and conclusions the children make, perhaps guiding them gently in that direction, and doing so in as positive a way as possible.  So you don't say, "See, I told you he was a jerk!"  The goal is to teach them how to be objective when making observations and conclusions and then hold fast to the reality.

It's very hard for children to trust their own observations and conclusions when their environment's reality is constantly being twisted every which way.  Your spouse will have done that over the years and so the kids are probably unable to observe, conclude and stick to that.  They may agree with reality when with you but when back with ex they shift back into his realities.  So it may be two steps forward, one step back, over and over for the next few months or even years before they can get the backbone to make valid observations and conclusions and stick to them.

I recall, in my marriage's early years when my now-ex was relatively normal, that my SIL would greet us claiming how bad we were.  By the end of the visit she would be agreeing with us and see why the mother and abusive stepfather were actually the ones who had a history of poor parenting.  Guess what?  The next visit she would have reverted back to prior concepts.  She wasn't able to keep a firm grip on the reality, she was like a leaf blown about by the wind.  I presume she improved years later as she raised her family but her invalidating childhood had really done a number on her.

Hiding assets is a real problem in our cases.  While a typical tendency is to try to win (or not lose) in negotiations, that is really ramped up with pwBPD/NPD.  They have little or no sense of showing reciprocal consideration.  You can't expect your spouse to reciprocate your good actions.  So know that he will do what he can to squander or squirrel away as much as possible.  There is a way to seek 'discovery' or use 'interrogatories' to find the truth... .while he is kicking and screaming not to give you the answers you need.