I got a panic attack after my ex contacted me

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Hey guys, this is my first post on here, hope I'm posting in the right place?

A short backstory: my ex and I  dated for a little over a year. Started out really great, he was my first relationship. After around 6 months into it, arguments started happening,and it just went down hill from there. He had a bad home life growing up, faced abuse and abandonment issues. They were diagnosed with depression years before I met them. They were  never formally diagnosed with BPD, but fit pretty much every criteria for BPD. They were emotionally abusive and manipulative to me, arguing that I don't care about them and focusing on the one thing I didn't do right in their eyes while ignoring all the other things I do to show my compassion and love. It got to the point where I had to end it, then the he began to lash out in anger by throwing things,  making threats to kill themselves, to out me to my family if I didn't give in to their demands.(One fight went: "you don't get to care about me anymore, you don't get to care if I kill myself."    We'd go through arguments where they try to get me back saying 'we can fix this, I messed up', then it turns into 'I only did what I did because of what you did to me and how you made me feel', then into 'you never cared about me, if you did you would try and fix this'. Then I'm the worst person ever in their minds. This back and forth went on for weeks after the breakup, with either arguing I'm terrible or sobbing that they need me.

It really messed me up. I'm a very anxious and passive person and I want everyone to be happy, everyone to be okay. I tried so hard to be supporting, to be there for them, to do anything they need to be happy. But since I didn't do exactly what was in their mind that I should be doing if I cared about them, that means I don't care, according to them.

I haven't had contact with them in a little under a month, and I've been okay (I still creep on their social media. I know I shouldn't be doing that, but that's where they previously posted suicidal thoughts and I still care about their well being and health. I feel like if they ended up hurting themselves, it would be on me somehow).

Recently I got a message from them. It wasn't even bad at all. I left stuff at their house and they asked me to come get it sometime. As soon as I got the message, my heart just started racing, my breathing got really short and shallow. I've never felt like that before. It's like the fact that they'd contact me again triggered my anxiety from the relationship and brought all those horrible feelings back at once, all those emotions were rushing through my brain again. It was horrible. I talked to a therapist a few times during the actual break up, but haven't been back since. I'm not sure what to do with my feelings right now. I still think about them almost every day. I'm not missing them, but I think about if they're going to be okay. Think about back when we were happy and if I could have done something differently. How long do these kinds of things affect you? Thank you.

[StateOfDreaming]

Hey guys, this is my first post on here, hope I'm posting in the right place?

A short backstory: my ex and I  dated for a little over a year. Started out really great, he was my first relationship. After around 6 months into it, arguments started happening,and it just went down hill from there. He had a bad home life growing up, faced abuse and abandonment issues. They were diagnosed with depression years before I met them. They were  never formally diagnosed with BPD, but fit pretty much every criteria for BPD. They were emotionally abusive and manipulative to me, arguing that I don't care about them and focusing on the one thing I didn't do right in their eyes while ignoring all the other things I do to show my compassion and love. It got to the point where I had to end it, then the he began to lash out in anger by throwing things,  making threats to kill themselves, to out me to my family if I didn't give in to their demands.(One fight went: "you don't get to care about me anymore, you don't get to care if I kill myself."    We'd go through arguments where they try to get me back saying 'we can fix this, I messed up', then it turns into 'I only did what I did because of what you did to me and how you made me feel', then into 'you never cared about me, if you did you would try and fix this'. Then I'm the worst person ever in their minds. This back and forth went on for weeks after the breakup, with either arguing I'm terrible or sobbing that they need me.

It really messed me up. I'm a very anxious and passive person and I want everyone to be happy, everyone to be okay. I tried so hard to be supporting, to be there for them, to do anything they need to be happy. But since I didn't do exactly what was in their mind that I should be doing if I cared about them, that means I don't care, according to them.

I haven't had contact with them in a little under a month, and I've been okay (I still creep on their social media. I know I shouldn't be doing that, but that's where they previously posted suicidal thoughts and I still care about their well being and health. I feel like if they ended up hurting themselves, it would be on me somehow).

Recently I got a message from them. It wasn't even bad at all. I left stuff at their house and they asked me to come get it sometime. As soon as I got the message, my heart just started racing, my breathing got really short and shallow. I've never felt like that before. It's like the fact that they'd contact me again triggered my anxiety from the relationship and brought all those horrible feelings back at once, all those emotions were rushing through my brain again. It was horrible. I talked to a therapist a few times during the actual break up, but haven't been back since. I'm not sure what to do with my feelings right now. I still think about them almost every day. I'm not missing them, but I think about if they're going to be okay. Think about back when we were happy and if I could have done something differently. How long do these kinds of things affect you? Thank you.

[cubicinch]

welcome to our little safe place, sorry to hear of your troubles, but stick around, there are some great people here who can be very helpful and supportive, or just relate similar experiences that will at least make you feel you are not alone.

Everyone is different, it may take months, or it may take years, everyone here has been through it, as said you are certainly not alone. This group can help you along that road to recovery. As caring conscientious people though, you never stop caring or loving, you just come to terms, heal with time and move on.

The whole problem of dealing with disordered people is that we ourselves become the focus of their issues, which makes it very hard for us to put things right. all those threats are just words, manipulation to control you. There will be other members along to add further, and have better experience than me, so take comfort, you're about to find kindred spirits and some help to deal with all this.

[roberto516]

Welcome to the greatest place on Earth LOL. I can relate to the panic attacks I went no contact for a little under a week and I blocked her except through work email and I saw the email on a Sunday night and I started to panic. Then the next day she's calling my work phone and it all came back. I was just recycled and I fear what would happen if somehow she got a message because I know blocked her own work email as well but I really think it is as you said everything comes back.

It's a trigger and we did suffer a  trauma so I think it's the more time away from it the less impactful it will be to get something but I'm not there so I don't really know but I just wanted to let you know I can relate and you are not alone

[FantasticMsDox]

Hello!

I know exactly what you're going through. Like another post here said, we went through trauma. The source of that trauma is making contact with you, and that can be very triggering. You are most certainly not alone here, and you'll find that the people and the posts here can become invaluable tools to get better. Vent, rant, let it all out if need be.