At the start of the process

[david]

The daycare may have security cameras. That might be a way to get videos. You can download them on a flash drive if they do.
The deposition will go a long way in court and that sounds like a positive.
In a way, you may want her to say you are evil personified in court. Let her go on and on. After she digs a deep enough hole you can introduce the deposition and videos if you have them. Let your attorney handle that. You simply stay focused on your son in court.
We went through equitable distribution for the divorce which she initiated. It took three plus years to finalize because of her delays. In her papers for the equitable distribution she claimed we had 1.2 million dollars in assets. My atty asked about that when he first got her papers. I said no because it was no where near that amount. However, I wrote the reply and I agreed with her evaluation. She had handwritten four pages of items and they totaled 1.2 by her estimates. I had photos from facebook showing that she had over 805 of the items in her new residence. I simply wanted my half in cash. My atty loved it. During the conference ex went on and on about how abusive I was, I was a thief, etc. Her atty had no idea what the truth was until it was our turn to speak. My atty gave her atty several pictures showing what was really going on. Her atty took her client out of the room and we settled in under 15 minutes after that.

[livednlearned]

I'm not sure how she's going to say I'm evil personified. I'm not sure what strategy I should be bringing.

Remember that she focuses one inch above ground. Her world is about problem creation.

Your strength is that you can see things from 30,000 feet, the big picture. Your world is problem solving.

Courts see bickering parents day in, day out. What will help you stand out is being focused on problem solving, and keeping the focus on the child's well-being.

If she throws mud, your L can say, "My client is not a drug addict, your honor. These are false and damaging allegations. If it pleases your court, my client is willing to take any test, or class, or evaluation to assure the court these are false allegations so he can get down to the business of spending quality time with his son."

Courts love solutions.

[david]

That 805 was a typo. It should have been 80%.
Like Lnl said, the courts like solutions. They really don't want to make a decision unless forced to do so. Having reasonable solutions has always been a "win" for me in court.

[ForeverDad]

If she throws mud, your L can say, "My client is not a drug addict, your honor. These are false and damaging allegations. If it pleases your court, my client is willing to take any test, or class, or evaluation to assure the court these are false allegations so he can get down to the business of spending quality time with his son."

Courts love solutions.

Just a little thought to add here.  The above is a solid Defense.  In competitive sports though, we also need Offense, few teams win with Defense only.  So can we include a little Offense here?  For example, how about doubling down on this, presenting a solution to the court that both parents submit to "any test, or class, or evaluation"?  First, you get yourself cleared of the blaming allegation.  Second, since many pwBPD project their issues onto us by Blame Shifting, having her take the same tests or evaluations weakens the abuser/victim scenario the stbEx is selling.

[livednlearned]

Good point FD.

[ForMySon]

So, I have finally gotten my court date. It is going to be 30 minutes, and I guess is to make sure that both parties have all of their paperwork in. It's a start. It's going to be 7 weeks of torture until we get there though. I'll make it though. That's just a long time of only seeing my son 2 hours a week. Luckily he's young so he and I will be able to fix that time.

I agree FD, and that is how I'm hoping that I will be able to work all of this  (In martial arts they teach to use someone's momentum against them in this way you are using defense as offense). I think that in that manner I will be able to remain at the big picture view, not allow her threats and accusations to hinder my progress, and to hopefully get her to show her true character to the court. I think that by maintaining reason I will be able to draw out the aggressive side of her.

I also like to fix things, and I spend most of my time now trying to think about possible solutions, and ways that benefit both parents. I came from a broken home where my dad was an interesting piece of work. I think that I would have been  mad at my mom if she had kept me sheltered from him and she had she not let me see him and form my own opinions of him. So this I too have to let happen with my son. As painful as it is, I know from my own experience that it will need to happen. So in this I want to make every effort to make it equal between the parents, and I want him to form his own opinions of us and his life. (know that I'm not saying that I will back down when pushed and that I will if needed adjust the terms of our agreement to more in my favor if she continues to press and fight these things.)

[ForMySon]

So I know that my ex received paperwork on where I live just a around 5 days ago. Then two days ago I come home and find that my TV has been taken out of my room. Nothing else in the house was taken. My dog was put back in the room after it was taken. I have had only one friend to the house, and my sister doesn't invite a lot of people to her house. All of this seems kinda fishy to me. Has anyone else here experienced this. We have changed all the locks on the doors, and added some locks to the interior doors to help slow progress through the house. I have a few other things happening as well to feel safer, but don't want those out there yet to see if the action repeats.

They left things that were worth more money... .

[david]

My ex literally emptied our house. We had three bathrooms and the spring loaded toilet paper holders all gone. The house had 47 electrical outlet covers all gone. I mean emptied. She then turned around and filed a homeowners claim saying I stole everything from the house and made it look like she did it. I got a rejection letter telling us that you can't rob yourself and make a claim. That made me laugh.

[ForMySon]

I hadn't posted here in a while, but today has been especially difficult... .

I'm having a rough time the past couple of days as I saw her with my replacement. It's only been two months, and I have recently found out that she is for the most part already living with him. This isn't the part that truly hurts though. She already has my child living with this man as well, and she isn't letting me see him. I have two weeks to wait until I get to see the judge for the first time. She isn't making it easy for me to spend equal time with my son. I am becoming so mad that I can barely pay attention to my own self care. I'm hurting so much right now... .

[ForeverDad]

Did you know that allegations are more likely in the early part of the separation and divorce process?  So don't gift her any opportunities that you are 'stalking' or 'harassing' her.  Women get the default benefit of the doubt in such cases.

Don't follow her.  Don't go knocking on her door.  (Police told me not to attempt contact until I had a court order in hand — they refused to accompany me when I wanted to go see my son — yet they said they'd come rushing if my ex called them.  I decided I'd rather not see the inside of a jail cell.)

My ex didn't work when we first separated and our preschooler was always with her.  I would call on the phone for him but she would either hang up or not answer.  I had no way to contact my son for over three months.  When the magistrate confirmed from her that she hadn't permitted father-child contact since the last time we'd been in court about three months before, he said, I'll fix that.  He made a divorce case temp order similar to the prior protection orders before.  No, I did not get make-up time.  No, she didn't get a lecture, finger-wagging or any other consequence.  Not fair but no one claims domestic court is fair.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.  However, a judge's order is almost always better than the crumbs an entitled and obstructive spouse would offer.

I struggled through those early months.  I was torn from it all, not just that I couldn't contact my preschooler.  But I made it through without any legal messes.  Yes, she made allegations galore but nothing much came of them.  I toughed out those weeks and months.  You can too.  Be strong despite the stress and angst.

[david]

Same here and it does get better.

[livednlearned]

I am becoming so mad that I can barely pay attention to my own self care. I'm hurting so much right now... .

I'm so sorry, FMS.  

Makes complete sense that you feel mad and hurt. You cannot see your son, meanwhile some other guy has free access. The courts move so slow and seem oblivious to the shenanigans.

These are big league crises with big league feelings. The stress alone can burn a hole in your soul.

Do you have an outlet for the pain? Feel free to start a new post asking members how they managed, what they did, how they felt.

You are not alone. People are here for you.

LnL

[ForMySon]

I've started to kinda journal my thoughts into this thread so it's easy to come back to. I have recent confirmation that she has moved on to guy number two. We've only been apart 2 months, and she has been keeping herself busy. I have known both of these men for years. So this came as quite a shock (not really she told me this is what was going to happen if I left, I guess that was probably the most true thing I ever heard from her)

I haven't even been able to think about being with anyone at all. As broken and hollow as I currently am how can I share myself with someone else? I talk to women, and I have no interest. I'm sorry ladies, I'm not a bad man, I'm a badly damaged man. One of yours did this to me. They took my niceness and used it as the ultimate tool to destroy my soul. How can I love again? How can I trust someone else with my soul? People around me don't fully understand the black void that was imparted to me. How do I give it back?

I do have outlets, and I have been building my friends back. It's nice to have them back. They help me to see the reality of who she is. They keep reminding me I'm better off without her. I know that I am. I know that I am stronger and healthier without her. I'm just losing my mind waiting for court. I think in my entire life I haven't cried as much as I have in the past two months, and not a single tear has been shed for her. I have never missed anything as much as I do my son. I just had to walk outside of work while writing this to cry. The sadness has enveloped me. I'm trying to think positively, but it's hard with all this weight. I hope court helps to lift it.

I have been trying to do self care, and these big issues envelop my happy places and times. Even the passion that I had for kayaking wanes with the wind. I know how she invaded my space so badly, and I'm trying to figure out how to not let it get the better of me. I tried to meditate and find my zen while out last night, and I failed miserably.

I have continued my therapy. I'm glad to have this, and I will continue with this until I feel better, and can walk mostly on my own again. <--This is been the biggest kickstart to getting my life in check. I need to stop feeling weak, and I need to take my power back from this antagonist.