What happens during the Idealisation/Devaluation/Discard phases?

[msh28]

Hi people,

I'm just trying to understand things a bit better and get some more knowledge about BPD.

What signs should people watch out for in all three stages of a relationship with someone who seemingly has BPD but is undiagnosed?

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[isilme]

That's pretty hard, as each person will have their own triggers and their own reactions.  Mostly, many of us are blindsided when things go south, simply because it's really a lot like lightning, especially at first - you never know when or where it's going to strike.  And even after years, and years of awareness of BPD and tools for helping make things less dramatic, you are still surprised at times, and most fo the time, you can tell a storm is coming, but still not know when or why until it's passed.  I know H is triggered by holidays and his family.  I know he will project a lot of his anger at his mother and sister to me as the female he has the most access to.  I even know he tends to be the most likely to freak out if he is hungry, tired, or sick, or worse, all three at the same time.  And now that he has been diagnosed as diabetic, well, yay.  But that does not mean I can always mitigate his emotional responses, or stay away 100% from the way he will react.

Mostly what you CAN do, is form some strategies during the calmer phases about how you can protect yourself from verbal and/or physical abuse during the bad phases.  Plan an escape to leave the room or house before you need to do so.  Plan bland responses when you MUST respond and ignore and not answering not going to work.  Realize a lot of the word vomit and nit-picky statements are the out of control emotions speaking, often relaying how they feel about themselves but need to project onto you, and try really hard to not let it hurt you. 

They pull you close to prove their worth.  They get scared you can see past them or will leave them, so they push you away to do it to you first and hurt you before you can hurt them.  Then they realize they want you after all and pull you back.  Rinse, repeat. 

[msh28]

So once they discard you they realise you are worth nothing and just get rid of you?

In their eyes at that point are you really just worthless?

[Tattered Heart]

As isilme said, each pwBPD reacts differently.

In the Idealisation phase their object of affection is the best thing that has every happened to them. They might do things such as give lavishing compliments, want to be around you all the time, buy you gifts, brag about you to others, etc. They are so excited that you are a part of their life.

In the Devaluation phase, the pwBPD begins to see your flaws. Their image of you as perfection begins to come crashing down. They are unable to hold in their mind the ability for someone to have both good and bad characteristics, behavior, or traits. The object of their affection is no longer flawless and they begin to reject the person. This is when you begin seeing outbursts of anger, verbal abuse, accusations, criticism, etc.

Finally in the Discard phase, the person with BPD completely pushes away the person they once idealized. This might mean they disappear for days on end, cheat, start new relationships, break up. In my situation, my H never leaves. He just completely withdraws into another activity such as playing video games.

The cycle will continue when they come back into the life of the person they discarded. The idealization starts all over again.

[isilme]

o once they discard you they realise you are worth nothing and just get rid of you?

In their eyes at that point are you really just worthless?

They may threaten to do so.  They may leave or ask you to leave for a few hours, days, week,s months, depending on the relationship, if you live together, how dependent you are on each other.

H will blow up.  It may be in the evening, it may be in the morning before work.  I am not perfect (or he is not but he is projecting his imperfections onto me).  Suddenly, I am not worth being around.  Then, a few hours apart, by lunch, he has usually calmed a bit.  And then a few hours apart, later, he has calmed more.  Then, he has reset, it's over, and while he may feel some shame as his blow up, it's like it did not happen for him.  Meanwhile, I have to work to let go of my own frustration and hurt at what was said during the blow up - so I come here.

I kinda think BPD emotions are a little like the kind of stomach ache that is actually made better by vomiting.  Like, you hurt.  You feel horrible.  You fight against vomiting, and finally just vomit everything up.  And then, all the pain is out of you, all the gross stuff, and you feel a little empty and even maybe euphoric from the lack of pain.  Meanwhile, your SO is watching you like, what's wrong?  What just happened?  10 minutes ago you were sick, now you're fine?  How does this even work?

Change "vomit" above to abusive words and actions, and you have BPD.