Made a really dumb mistake and went to see him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, folks,

I'm the worst example of trying to maintain sanity and LC ever.  I gave in to my diagnosed exBPD/NPD's pleas to "come and talk" and ended up in his parent's living room for an hour while he cried so much the front of his shirt was soaked, begged me to come back, and tried blocking my way whenever I tried to leave.  His intensity scared me, particularly when I recalled something he had recently said and he screamed at the top of his lungs that he never said it.  That's when I tried to leave and he blocked my way.  Eventually the only way I escaped was to lie to him and tell him I would "think about" getting back together, which I am not going to do.  But I feel so guilty, so overwhelmed, and so terribly terribly terribly sad for him.

I maintained my composure pretty much for the whole time I was with him, in fact I was pretty calm and almost detached.  When I got to my car I broke down.  My T, whom I coincidentally had an appointment with shortly after, said that he's finally starting to realize how "screwed" he is without me there to do everything for him.  She said I have to let him grieve, everyone hurts, etc etc., and I KNOW that but to think I am causing another person such pain makes me feel devastated. 

I almost feel that I should go back to him to just calm him down and hope that a job out of state he may get comes through and then he's gone.  But he tore my life apart so badly for 8 plus years that I simply can't do that. My children would literally disown me.  One of my daughters heard me talking and crying on the phone to him last week and came in and grabbed the phone from my hand and screamed at him to leave me alone.   I make myself sick.

I think today has to be the catalyst for me finally realizing there is NO REASONING with him and that I have to go NC for real. 

Oh, and I took that Mosaic threat assessment thing and got a 7 out of 10.  I'm scared, and I'm even more sorry for him than I am scared for me.  I don't know what to do and I brought this all on myself.

thanks for letting me rant.  I hate my weakness and my stupid, stupid heart.

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

I'm the worst example of trying to maintain sanity and LC ever.  I gave in to my diagnosed exBPD/NPD's pleas to "come and talk" and ended up in his parent's living room for an hour while he cried so much the front of his shirt was soaked, begged me to come back, and tried blocking my way whenever I tried to leave.  His intensity scared me, particularly when I recalled something he had recently said and he screamed at the top of his lungs that he never said it.  That's when I tried to leave and he blocked my way.  Eventually the only way I escaped was to lie to him and tell him I would "think about" getting back together, which I am not going to do.  But I feel so guilty, so overwhelmed, and so terribly terribly terribly sad for him.

I maintained my composure pretty much for the whole time I was with him, in fact I was pretty calm and almost detached.  When I got to my car I broke down.  My T, whom I coincidentally had an appointment with shortly after, said that he's finally starting to realize how "screwed" he is without me there to do everything for him.  She said I have to let him grieve, everyone hurts, etc etc., and I KNOW that but to think I am causing another person such pain makes me feel devastated. 

I almost feel that I should go back to him to just calm him down and hope that a job out of state he may get comes through and then he's gone.  But he tore my life apart so badly for 8 plus years that I simply can't do that. My children would literally disown me.  One of my daughters heard me talking and crying on the phone to him last week and came in and grabbed the phone from my hand and screamed at him to leave me alone.   I make myself sick.

I think today has to be the catalyst for me finally realizing there is NO REASONING with him and that I have to go NC for real. 

Oh, and I took that Mosaic threat assessment thing and got a 7 out of 10.  I'm scared, and I'm even more sorry for him than I am scared for me.  I don't know what to do and I brought this all on myself.

thanks for letting me rant.  I hate my weakness and my stupid, stupid heart.

[roberto516]

Don't hate yourself! They choose us for those exact qualities of empathy, kindness, and love. Those are strengths. But reserved for people who reciprocate it.

As I said in my post, I was doing what he was doing. I was begging and pleading for her. She even said she'd think about it as a way to get me to stop. And then when I finally stopped begging she roared back. Never pleading for me back but really manipulating me into it. So I find it interesting how sick I became mentally.

I think you will have to fight through the extinction burst where he tries anything to get back with you before he stops. Or he needs to find a replacement to take the focus off of you.

But you're not dumb. You care about people. I'm not dumb for being recycled. She was in need. And I love her. I'd help a stranger who was crying too. These are things that make us good people. But protect yourself first. Always.

I almost sound like your ex during the first discard. Only difference is my ex was so detached when I got her on the phone. There were no tears. No admittance of feeling hurt. No empathy whatsoever. Because you had me worried that maybe I was the BPD. But as they say we tend to take on their traits afyer awhile.

It's a suggestion. Maybe it will work for you too. But any slip up or thought of contact I'm going to tell on myself here. Because it's gonna be embarrasing which means it's what I should be doing. It's going to keep me in reality if she ever tries again or if I ever think contact is a good idea. Because we care about each other here. And the feedback and personal stories help me more than my messed up neurons right now.

[Turkish]

But he tore my life apart so badly for 8 plus years that I simply can't do that.

The MOSAIC threat assessment is a useful tool.  I took the assessment in retrospect in my r/s and didn't score that high.  I took it by proxy for my ex's H based upon what I knew and it was also a 7, if I recall correctly.  Reading Gavin deBecker's book, The Gift of Fear many years ago,  one thing stuck with me: "trust your gut."

Given the r/s and the feelings thereof,  I'd trust your gut of I were in your shoes.  

That aside,  it sounds like the meeting was pretty brutal emotionally; even more so given his parents. What are your thoughts going forward?

[chillamom]

Hi, Turkish,  and yes, it was definitely emotionally brutal.  And just to clarify, his parents weren't there when all this was taking place, but it was in their home... .as far as my thoughts going forward, my thoughts right now are in a pretty chaotic swirl.  I really think it is best for both of us if the LC goes to NC, but I may not be able to withstand the extinction burst.  Today I have many messages asking me to come out and see him even though yesterday was a ruddy disaster for both of us.   I thought I had been very clear over the past 4 months that I was uninterested in recycling the relationship, but I suppose I have caved so many times before he thinks it's just a matter of persistence.  Ands any attempt at being friendly even over text is probably instantly reinterpreted in terms of wanting to come back.  Honestly, the Mosaic thing scares me quite a bit and my gut is loudly saying to stay away.  I hope gut level feelings and commonsense prevail, and I don't go see him again in yet another mistaken attempt to get some closure.  I know everyone on here talks about giving closure to yourself; I just can't seem to manage the yet.

[happendtome]

Chillamom, you need to acknowledge that what you are doing isnt helping him or yourself either. Personally, i wouldnt trust his tears. He simply wants some "mommy" to look after him. Its not love, its selfish behavior that someone must take care of him. There are so many women (and men too) who go back and back and back and at the end they become human wrecks itself too. We all are once in the life too clingy and look needy, but it cant take longer than, lets say, half a year. After that we must cut out ourselves from their lives and start to heal. Dont open these wounds over and over again, youll get weak and you soon start to pick all kind of other issues. Your health, your work - all start to suffer

[marti644]

Hi Chillamom,

Really sorry to hear you are going through this. And while I think your heart is in the right place be careful! Like others have said follow your gut. In my opinion going NC or very LC might be the best until he calms down. Then reassess. You need time to rebuild yourself before you can help him, correct?

Perhaps you should keep yourself very "busy" for the next few weeks. I might also change my routine abit, so that you're not in danger of running into him.

Take care,

marti

[Pretty Woman]

Don't beat yourself up, Chillamom.  Many of us have done this. My ex physically assaulted me and then ran off to another state to be with her ex. Two weeks later, on her way back she called me well over 100x telling me how excited she was to see me, how she missed me and I was the one.

I saw my ex and got back together with her after she hit me. She disassociated and actually didn't know where she was after she hit me.

That is someone who is a danger to society. I let this person back into my home, back into my bed only for her to leave again a year later and never look back.

It sounds like you learned a lot from this recent meeting. You know what you want and need, you know your ex is not it.

It's incredibly hard to witness your ex crying in pain, begging.  If you are anything like me you are empathetic and caring, you don't like to witness suffering, you want to help.

It's hard not to. We feel like we are being selfish but we are not.

We need to help ourselves.

When my ex left me and I was writhing in pain did she care? Nope. When I tried to get closure I got threatened with a restraining order.

We are not equipt to help these people and especially at the sacrifice of ourselves.

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,

I thought I had been very clear over the past 4 months that I was uninterested in recycling the relationship, but I suppose I have caved so many times before he thinks it's just a matter of persistence.

You're right it is about persistence, for example boundaries if he keeps calling you and you pick up on the 10th time that he calls, he knows that if I call 10 times she'll pick up. The good news about extinction bursts is that you go through it once, although you'll have to defend your boundaries from time to time, but it gets easier.

[chillamom]

Thank you very much for your insights!

happenedtome: It's helpful to me to think of interactions with him as not helping him either, because I continue to focus on his feelings instead of mine.  If I can keep in mind that responding to him will ultimately hurt him I'll probably be able to resist better.  Thanks for that reminder.

marti644: I definitely need some time and space to reassess; I certainly can't "help" him in any way now, nor realistically will I ever be able to.  I think letting go of my guilt over that is a big hurdle for me.

Pretty Woman: I, like you, am probably an empath to a fault, with a little bit of a savior complex  probably due to my training  which is one of the things that got me into this mess initially.  A person with good boundaries and a clear sense of how realistically someone could be helped would have run.  I had a gut level feeling the first time I met him that he was quite disordered, but I guess at some level his pathology called to my need to "fix". And yes, seeing him be so hurt is the worst thing.  It's so hard to want to help myself, and right now I'm so depressed I don't even CARE to help myself.

Mutt:  Thanks for the reminder about the extinction burst phenomenon.  I know it will happen, I've seen it before, I gave in during past "bursts", and now here I am again.

9 YEARS, FOLKS.  9 YEARS AGO TODAY was when my ex first walked into my life.  God, I wish I could erase that meeting.  Why the hell couldn't I have picked that time to leave early or something?  I like to think there are no accidents and all of this happened for a reason, but damned if I can see it.  What a mess.  And losing nearly a decade of my life to this madness is quite awful to contemplate.