There comes a time when...

[Huat]

There comes a time when... .when you reach your mid-to-late 70's and you re-assess life, learn from the past and look at what may lay ahead.

For the past almost 40 years we have suffered the emotional bruises caused by an (undiagnosed-but-highly-probable) BPD daughter.  First of all and years ago, heart-broken and fearful, we combed streets a few times looking for that 12-year-old runaway.  Later we welcomed, loved and help raise her 2 children - trying so hard to shelter them from the drama that always surrounded their mother... .including lengthy, messy custody battles.  We towed the line with her, threatened by the fact that she could severe our relationship with those precious grandchildren at the drop of a hat.  A number of times she did cut us out of their lives and then, in more lucid moments, saw the error of her ways and did tearfully and sincerely apologize... .until the next time... .and the next time... .and... .

We kept hoping against hope that things would change as she got older and she would "grow out of it."  Over the years, to her credit, she has gone from one counsellor to the next... .sometimes for just herself... .sometimes to "accompany" a current husband or a child... .but has steadfastly refused to go in with us.  Consequently, we have sought-out help for ourselves and at one point a professional bluntly told us to smarten up and see that we were "sh-- on her shoes."

Her children are grown but sadly show signs of instability... .such can be the effects of growing up under an umbrella of mental illness. 

With her verbal abuse escalating, the realization came that... ."there comes a time when... ." ... .when WE take a final stand.  We told her... .either we meet next in a counsellor's office... .or she leaves us alone.    It is obvious that this shift in us has shaken her.   We are aging and IF her verbal abuse turns to physical abuse, we will be less and less able to defend ourselves.

As I held my baby in my arms 50 years ago, this is not the future I envisioned.  In the ensuing years could we have done better as parents?  Oh, for sure!  Yes!  With that said, I am proud to say that when we knew better... .we did better.

My advice to those of you who are just embarking on... .or in the midst of this intimidating journey?  Do your homework. Although your hearts may be broken, do not EVER fall into the roll of "victim" as we did.  Keep your dignity.  Know your line-in-the-sand.  Some things are negotiable... .some are not.  Our "final stand" is not.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there huat

Thank you so much for sharing. I often fear for the future and your post is a wise one.  I love your phrase "when we knew better, we did better". It's one I'll use now.

You've been there for your grandchildren. Sometimes having to suck it up I know. But you didn't do it for your daughter or just yourselves - you brought some stability and boundless love to those kids. All young people struggle in these modern times so they're not on their own but not all kids have the good blessing of loving grandparents. whatever choices they make in the future they'll have those roots to hopefully keep them steadfast. Their future isn't set. You should be very proud.

My mum started to detach from us in her 50s and when she got caught up in a terrible drama with my brother she said "im too old for this Shxx any more".
She was wise and once told me "at the very end of the day you only have each other. We spend our lives looking after the family, then they go." She took the decision to have a life for themselves, welcomed us for visits and was glad when we left. They had their own lives; sadly it was shortened at 64.

I'll take your words and try and remember them - not play that victim.

Each and every day is precious. Time for some lovin and enjoyment for yourselves!

LP

[mggt]

Dear Haut,  Perfectly said   

[Hopelessandlost]

I fear this a lot. I am dealing with 4 dysfunctional adult children. Two of them probuley to my benefit have severed ties. One comes and goes  with our relationship like you mentioned one is still living with me me and another just took off on one of her wild adventures and married a guy she met online and has only been phsycailly around for a 4 weeks when he came up to visit her while on vacation. I predict she will be back eventually after causing yet more chao but for the moment she is out of my life. She is sending me the odd photo, and messaged me telling me "you have to talk to me you are my mother"... .no she is far enough away across the country that I dont have to do anything. She has caused me a lot of pain over the years and this I am trying to look at as a much needed break for me.

I am 58 years old and have had a life time of dysfunction, parents, siblings, ex husband and kids... .my parents, siblings, and ex I have managed to cut from my life more or less. (Ex out of the blew called me a couple weeks back and left me a message telling me he got a job and just wanted to chat... .like what the ^^%*#*. He remarried a few years ago now. We had spoken since our nasty court sssion over child support 4 years ago.) I wonder do they ever truely leave your life? .I fear i will only have real peace once I am dead.

[Yepanotherone]

Huat I love this post and I shall read it often . Thankyou so much for posting . I wish I could flag it somehow so that I can find it easily when I need to give myself a good shake .