This is all new to me and need answers.

[Mavrik]

First time poster who's been posting on relationship sites but need more specific advice/guidance/answers. And this site appears to be a much better place.

Was in a 12 month relationship with my now BPD ex. I didn't know she had BPD at the time until the relationship ended.

She was in a professional job and ran her own business also and we met at work and quickly hit it off. Everyone thought she was so focussed and on the ball and no way had any issues.

She told me of all her past failed relationships that had all failed, and it was their fault and she was the innocent party. It seemed like she couldn't hold down any relationship, partners, friends, family, lodgers, business colleagues. Yet it was always their fault and not hers. And I fell for it.

She very quickly put me on a pedestal and I was the best partner she had (I have to say that I did do a lot for her and put my heart and soul into every aspect of the relationship.

But from time to time we'd be talking and she would find objection to something I said and would simply 'shut down', and if was impossible to get her out of this zone she would get into. I tried everything to get her out but it just didn't work and i would go home.

She would text all the time and if I ever delayed texting back she'd get upset, she would regularly try to push me away and try to end the relationship in some way, when there was nothing going wrong with it. Saying nasty things to try and upset me so I would end if ( and fall into her abandonment theory), but I always stayed with her. As I was different and not like the make others who walked away.

In between the short breaks in the relationship she would have reckless sex with other men, then tell me about them, but would become angry when she suspected thaf I may have received a text from anothe female?

She'd mock me, make racist comments to me, as if to find ways to make me walk away and leave her. As I stayed and continued to support her, she came up with the suggestion I was in a relationship with someone else, and she ended our relationship.

She told me never to speak to her again which I didn't, yet she would contact me herself and break the no contact agreement she put in place? The last time she contacted me (2 weeks ago), she asked to meet up, cried in my arms for a long time and then turned on me and argued and argued then when I tried to say my bit, she shut down.

She had a big argument with her boss and lost her job on the spot and is now involved in a court case where she is losing her friends and her business will also suffer. I would describe this as a run away freight train destroying everything as she goes.

I can see what's happening as everyone at work talks of her postings on social media and they joke about it all. And it's so painful to see what she's doing and she will lose everything

And as I so loved her and wanted to be their for her, as I was able to control her outbursts and kept her level headed, I want to step in and support her, but don't know how she will react if I try to step back in as a friend.

Relationships been over 2 months now but it's really gotten to me and I think about it all the time

How much of the relationship was actually real and how much was it her condition

And why do i think and care about her so much when all she ever did was try hurt me

If I ever spoke to all her ex's I wonder what they would say in regards to why the relationship ended. As she said it was always everyone else's fault and not hers, and she seemed so plausible.

Anyone with any answers as to why she behaved how she did and was it ever to have worked out, as I put so much into this relationship.

And is shutting down a trait, why they destroy what seems a perfect loving relationship, and how do I get over this as it's really got to me

Much appreciated

[Mavrik]

She would always say that however it ends we would always remain friends? That's not happened.

I have lots of female friends and one hell of a social life, but what is it about her thaf is making me feel as bad as I do?

And why cause someone (me) so much pain when she told me she loved me.

Why tell me how many people she'd slept with in between our short  breaks (her decision to have the breaks).

Why can't she see thaf her behaviours over many years has caused her to be where she is.

She thinks she has lots of friends but is the one who invites herself to events and tags along to everything rather than people inviting her.

Yet I provided it all for her yet it was never good enough.

So many questions, so much hurt and a lot of confusion 

[In a bad way]

I went through the same except she didn't cheat but she did mention her ex's.
At first I was the best boyfriend ever, all the other failed ones were their fault.
She fell out with everyone at some stage over the years, friends, family and people at work.
Mine too said she wanted to remain friends, that was 11 months ago and I have never heard a peep.
Nothing was ever good enough for her, well it was for an hour or two or if I was lucky a few days.
Crazy outbursts for no reason, spoiling nice days.
She seemed to not be able to accept being loved and had to cause arguments over nothing and kick me out of the house.
Next day not remembering and asking me why I left, promising to never do it again but she just couldn't help herself.

I too wonder why I still feel love for her when my head says she hurt me more than she didn't but the nice her was fantastic. The nice got less and less.
 You are not on your own with what you experienced with her and how you feel without her.

[g2outfitter]

So many questions, so much hurt and a lot of confusion 

I'm sorry Marvik but this will be your life... .for now.  It will get better but it will take some time.

Your story mirrors mine - as it does with many people on this board.  We gave the relationship all we could but the outcome was inevitable... .just like all her relationships before you and after you.  Know this... .you did all you could but you fought a losing battle from the beginning.

The world that the Borderline lives in is not logical to a non Borderline.  You have to do as much research as you possibly can in order to just accept that they live in that world.  If not, you will make yourself crazy by constantly asking yourself the question "Why?".

Maybe this gives you some perspective... .I posted this before but I will again.  The last text I had with my exBPD I told her I wished I could crawl into her head for just one day to try and understand what goes on in there.  She responded with... ."If you crawled in my head for just a day, you would come out running as fast as you can and screaming at the top of your lungs."

I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through and what you continue to go through.  I know it is hard for you to understand this but in time you will be thankful that you were able to get out without much harm i.e. financial ruin, divorce, children.

I will tell you that any attempt you make to try and reach out to her to help her in this tough time will only cause you more heartache in the end and it will delay your healing process.  I tell you this from my own person experience.

Again, research BPD all you can - I spent hundreds of hours before I came to understand the "why's?".  I never got the answers I wanted but I did get the answers I needed.

I hate BPD.

[Mavrik]

Thanks for the replies.

I see her so alone and running like a run away steam train losing everyone and destroying everything as she goes. She's never been like this before and looks to lose so much. I think she knows she has BPD and was getting some help but tried to hide her condition. She was able to fool many many people into thinking she's such a switched on person with a great future. When people took her side when we first broke up, I told them there's a side to her thaf no one else has seen except me. And it's a dark side. But no one believed me. But are now coming round to what I went through due to her crazy postings on Facebook (which include her being lonely and let down).

I was so close to to her, and think to myself 'she's all alone, I'd said I would always be there for her as so many others turned away'. I'm different, I can take it, I know how alone she must be as I've been in the alone Path and no one was there, know how it feels, so why don't I step up like no one did for me. BUT I am not confident she'll take it as a caring approach and she will turn on me.

To walk away from anyone in desperate need... .it's not like me... .but I'm fighting the urge to make contact.

I used to work with her, same office, same team (bad idea and I wouldn't recommend it). She thought she was very popular and had lots of friends, but to now hear them all mocking her and joking about her social media posts, it's hard to hear. And not a single of her colleagues wants anything to do with her and she's always asking to meet with them for a coffee and a chat, yet no body wants to know.

That's what makes me feel sorry for her even more. As I did love her a lot and to see this now.

Did she actually ever love me? Or mean a single thing she said?

I've been through break ups in the past, but nothing as emotional as this one. What makes this so different?

On her birthday she was ill and I looked after her for 3 days, took the time off work, cooked, cleaned, made her a cake, presents, flowers and everything else. I took the party to her. Just to make her birthday special and for her to feel special and the someone cared.And not a single person contacted her to see how she was.

I'm an entertainer by profession and I would sing her songs, draw her pictures and cartoons, make her things, do silly magic tricks and alsorts just to make our time special and memorable and different, I know for a fact that no one else ever did these things.

Just before Christmas I wrote a letter to Santa which began with 'dear Santa, I know I've been good this year and I'm on your nice list, but can I ask that you not get me anything but instead give it to ... ., as she deserves nothing but nice things because... .and wrote 2 sides of A4 as to the nice things she'd done and how great she was. I dropped this letter on her landing before I left hers and on the way home I sent her a text to say that I may have dropped my letter to Santa at her house and if she could pass it onto Santa. She read this letter so many times and kept it by her bed. I did many many things like this, thaf were different, original and thoughtful... .yet she would mock me and hardly ever say anything nice. But the way I treated her wasn't the honeymoon period that all relationships have, but I made her feel special for the whole 12 months.

I now know I missed all the signs and red flags. That's because I didn't know she was BPD and thought this was how she was.

We went for a meal at a posh restaurant and had a great evening and were going back to her place, in the car I got a text message from someone (random message), and she got jelous and shut down, arrived back at hers and she had a go at me and I went home, totally ruining this great night we were having. The next morning she contacted me as if nothing had happened?

She would go to nightclubs and tell men she was 38 (she's 43), would take them home and sleep with them then tell me about it and threw it in my face many many times 'I'm not a lier'?

I can go on and on about this situation I found myself in and the battle I'm now having, so many questions. So many issues, so much pain and hurt.

And the sad thing for me (after reading a lot about this condition), she's probably moved on and doesn't care about me and is looking for the next man to tell him he's the  best person she's ever met and her last boyfriend (me) was the worsperson ever.

I just want someone to care for her or talk her off this destructive path, and for her not to do things that everyone at work will make endless fun of

I'm not going to get any of this am I?

[g2outfitter]

Did she actually ever love me? Or mean a single thing she said?

I will answer as to how it relates to my own experience... .yes, she loved you in a superficial and fleeting way.  She loved you at moments.  Yes, she meant the things she said at that moment, but not in general.

I've been through break ups in the past, but nothing as emotional as this one. What makes this so different?

Because she made you feel as loved as you ever were in your life... .but then devalued you and treated you worse than you ever have before.  It's very traumatic.

I now know I missed all the signs and red flags. That's because I didn't know she was BPD and thought this was how she was.

You did not miss the signs and red flags.  You are a rescuer, a giver and a caretaker... .the more red flags there were the more you were drawn to her.  You were going to be the difference maker in her life.  To ride in on your white horse and rescue the poor damsel.  It just doesn't work that way with pwBPD.

I just want someone to care for her or talk her off this destructive path, and for her not to do things that everyone at work will make endless fun of

I'm not going to get any of this am I?

Probably not.  If you couldn't do it, who can?

[Mavrik]

Thanks 02.

I'm so glad I came on this site and am getting the answers I am getting. Much appreciated.

Yes I admit I do suffer 'hero syndrome' and look to help others and rescue them. Maybe it's because I've helped so many people in the past and it's gone well, that on this occasion it's not worked which makes me want to go back for more, hoping a little more effort can help save them (It won't)

Do people with BPD ever settle or do they seem to go from one disastrous relationship to the next? 

[g2outfitter]

Do people with BPD ever settle or do they seem to go from one disastrous relationship to the next? 

Anything is possible I guess but unstable, short and intense relationships seem to be a prevalent trait of people with BPD.  I was with my exBPD for three years which was the longest relationship she ever had.  She was married 4 times by the age of 34.  She wanted to marry me (within the first 3 months we were together) but I didn't get her a ring.  I would have been marriage number 5 for her at age 37.

[lovenature]

Welcome Mavrik

Sadly the harder you try to make it work (show unconditional love) and the closer you get the more you are pushed away because the PWBPD's fear of engulfment is triggered, then when you are too far away their fear of abandonment is triggered; the push pull tears us to pieces.
BPD is a very serious mental illness, stay NC and keep reading, posting, learning. Time and education lead to recovery.