Boyfriend of 12 years

[harperriver]

Hi, I am 57 years old and have been in a relationship for 12 years. We went to couples counseling and the counselor, mentioned to me in a private session that my boyfriend may be borderline.  I did a lot of reading , and knowing his childhood, it is a definite possibility.  The past year has been hell... He takes steriods ( lifts at gym) and lost his sobrierty after 20 years in 2010. He drinks, does pot, but i dont think he uses coke because that was his drug of choice before getting sober. He punishes me if I ask him something he doesnt like. I planned a vacation for us and because of something i did out of concern for him, he told me he wasnt going two days before. I went and he wound up going the day after I arrived acting like all is ok... Everything is my fault, my childrens fault. He acknowledged that he was "punishing me". He has his own apt. I recently sold my home the past sept  and we were going to move in together ( finally) That never happened because he said where will i go when we have  an arguement?  He flees and gives me the silent treatment for weeks or until I reach out. I am always the one to resolve.  Talk about walking on eggshells.  My therapist has been teaching my boundaries. He left end of Feb and we are not back together. He sent such hurtful emails.  Telling me the last 12 years was a waste of his life. Putting me down, calling me horrible names.  I just dont know what to do at this point. I do still love him, love the man he was... If anyone can help me understand why I cant let go. or why a person changes and acts like this I would be grateful. 

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[stayingsteady]

Hi Harperriver,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this situation, but I'm happy you've found us.  Believe it or not, it sounds like you're doing a lot of things right.  Sadly, when we do begin doing things correctly by using boundaries it often doesn't go well for an individual with BPD symptoms.

Partners of, and the individuals with BPD, often develop codependent relationships with one another.  When a split occurs it can cause a much deeper emotional reaction.  This may be contributing to the significant pain you are feeling.

There's lots and lots of information on this site that can help in understanding these complex dynamics.  We're always here to help too.

These situations are extremely difficult.  Again, I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with it.  Many of us have felt the same pain in the past. 

There are certain things that can be done that can help us manage through, and these certain things are always different for each person.  Have you found that certain thing that helps you get through these situations?  If so, what is it?