She called the Cops on me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Good Evening all,

It has been about 6 months since my last post.  I managed to survive the holidays and last four months of the new years. Still in an ugly divorce with my wife of nine years (who I suspect has BPD).  Yesterday seem to be a some what normal day until the late afternoon.  She was preparing food for my youngest boy, who has autism, but the food was extremely hot.  I told her that the food was too hot for him but she told me she did not care and further told me this is how she will feed the boys (8 and 6) when the divorce is finalize. She became furious.   She then asked me what was I going to do about it.  I told her I would call Child Protective Services and report her.  She just laughed at me and called me stupid.  She then continued to lash out at me telling me how I had changed when my oldest was born and how we were never a family because I spend my all my time with the boys. The yelling continued to the topic of not accepting my stepdaughter , who is now 18 yrs. old, and also how I am a controlling ass.  She then walked up to me and began yelling and pointing her finger at me in an aggressive manner.  I thought she was going to poke me in the face or head and I swatted her hand away from me and she called 911 to report that I had injured her.  The Police came and took a report.  I was horrified by the experience and was afraid that my children saw the police talking to me. She and I were interviewed. According to the officers there, she did not want to press charges and just want me to know how serious she was; however a report was taken. When I came back to the house, she quickly left with her daughter and left me with the boys.  Before she left she told me "This is what you get for touching me.  Next time I going to press charges."  Now I extremely afraid of her and the fact she can make further allegations.  When I contact my lawyer about the incident, he seem only concerned if I got arrested but when I mention possible leaving the house, He told me by do that it could look like I am abandoning the kids.  I need help.  For the last 6 months, I seen her project, split and blame me but this was the worst and the fact she called the cops on me, made me realize she is completely gone.  she is still currently with her boyfriend and leaves every Friday evening and spend the entire weekend away.  But when she returns, I get the yelling and lashing by her if the dishes are not done or if the laundry is not done.  The true reality is that this has been going on for over 6 to 7 years and had become increasingly worst now.  It was her that want the divorce but I'm the one who filed because of her constant yelling and berating me to do it.       

Currently my attorney had filed a child custody order but I've been told  that mediation is need to occur prior to the court date.  I was told to do separate mediation since she will lash at me if we did it together. As the time is getting closer to that date, several thing are going through my mind.  Mainly Fear and my concern in the lost of seeing my boys ( she had threaten to seek full legal and physical custody of them). I'm also worried about this police report and how it will affect my chances with custody of my kids.

Please I need help figuring out what I should do?

Thank you 

 

[tmarshal2016]

Good Evening all,

It has been about 6 months since my last post.  I managed to survive the holidays and last four months of the new years. Still in an ugly divorce with my wife of nine years (who I suspect has BPD).  Yesterday seem to be a some what normal day until the late afternoon.  She was preparing food for my youngest boy, who has autism, but the food was extremely hot.  I told her that the food was too hot for him but she told me she did not care and further told me this is how she will feed the boys (8 and 6) when the divorce is finalize. She became furious.   She then asked me what was I going to do about it.  I told her I would call Child Protective Services and report her.  She just laughed at me and called me stupid.  She then continued to lash out at me telling me how I had changed when my oldest was born and how we were never a family because I spend my all my time with the boys. The yelling continued to the topic of not accepting my stepdaughter , who is now 18 yrs. old, and also how I am a controlling ass.  She then walked up to me and began yelling and pointing her finger at me in an aggressive manner.  I thought she was going to poke me in the face or head and I swatted her hand away from me and she called 911 to report that I had injured her.  The Police came and took a report.  I was horrified by the experience and was afraid that my children saw the police talking to me. She and I were interviewed. According to the officers there, she did not want to press charges and just want me to know how serious she was; however a report was taken. When I came back to the house, she quickly left with her daughter and left me with the boys.  Before she left she told me "This is what you get for touching me.  Next time I going to press charges."  Now I extremely afraid of her and the fact she can make further allegations.  When I contact my lawyer about the incident, he seem only concerned if I got arrested but when I mention possible leaving the house, He told me by do that it could look like I am abandoning the kids.  I need help.  For the last 6 months, I seen her project, split and blame me but this was the worst and the fact she called the cops on me, made me realize she is completely gone.  she is still currently with her boyfriend and leaves every Friday evening and spend the entire weekend away.  But when she returns, I get the yelling and lashing by her if the dishes are not done or if the laundry is not done.  The true reality is that this has been going on for over 6 to 7 years and had become increasingly worst now.  It was her that want the divorce but I'm the one who filed because of her constant yelling and berating me to do it.       

Currently my attorney had filed a child custody order but I've been told  that mediation is need to occur prior to the court date.  I was told to do separate mediation since she will lash at me if we did it together. As the time is getting closer to that date, several thing are going through my mind.  Mainly Fear and my concern in the lost of seeing my boys ( she had threaten to seek full legal and physical custody of them). I'm also worried about this police report and how it will affect my chances with custody of my kids.

Please I need help figuring out what I should do?

Thank you 

 

[david]

My ex tripped and fell or purposely threw herself to the ground. My back was towards her at the time. She called the police and said I picked her up, threw her to the ground, jumped in my car, and tried to run over her. I was arrested sand charged with assault. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in prison for two weeks. I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder after that. I let her see them the next time I picked our boys up. I had three protection orders against me prior to that incident. Of course, I never touched her at any time. The last incident was in 2010. Since I purchased the recording devices I haven't been accused of anything.
My state does not allow recordings to be used in court. If the police show up I can show them the recording and they can decide not to arrest me. It may also come in handy for custody issues. Find out from your attorney about what you can and can not do as far as recording. If you are allowed I would not hesitate to get something. You need to save all the recordings in a safe place too.
She did it once and promised to do it again. I would believe her.

[formflier]

You have to do what YOU can do to keep things calm until the divorce is over.

Can you see how YOU decided to engage on an issue, that in hindsight, you should have left alone.

All good to bring up hot food... .that could be a safety issue.  However, no need to answer "what are you going to do about it"... .or otherwise listen to ranting and raving.

Download the recorder app for your smartphone.  Keep your smartphone locked so nobody can mess with it.

Every so often (I do it about once a week) go through it and upload the recordings to the cloud (I use google drive).

Again... big passwords so you control it.

The words you need to focus on "protect" (yourself) and "disengage" (from her).  No more arguing.

Should she make a move or poke you AND you have it recorded... .my general advice is to call and press charges.  I would not involve police or CPS until you have "evidence" of your version of events.

Best to avoid those agencies if you can... .but sometimes you can't.  I've gone one round with CPS.


FF

[david]

Also, you say you are extremely afraid of her. That is your gut telling you something and you need to listen to it. The next step is the hardest. My ex started having meltdowns when we were still together. Months went by and she ran away. Those first few years I wasn't detached enough to handle things as best I could. I was still listening to her and believing what she was saying. Staying engaged was her strength and my weakness. The more I detached the stronger I got and the weaker she got. Remember you are getting unmarried. The emotional part takes time to separate.

I only communicate through email. That has been for years now. I don't reply to things that do not pertain to our boys. Just the other day I received two rambling emails with all kinds of digs towards me. I replied to the one with three sentences to address the issues involving our boys. I replied the the other with two sentences. I did not address any of the implied negatives towards me/the digs/the insults/passive aggressive bs/etc.

[Thunderstruck]

I agree that threatening to call CPS was instigating and she felt she had to "one up" you.

I also agree that voice recording or videotaping is a really great idea. We used to have very difficult exchanges but once we started recording them, uBPDbm behaved better (for the most part).

It'll be really difficult, but you'll have to remain calm and even. If you played the tapes for police or the court, you want to 100% sound like you weren't the problem.

The L makes a very good point about leaving... .it's hard to stay, but if you go then you could potentially lose the house and/or the kids. You'd start the negotiations at a disadvantage.

[david]

My ex ran away with the kids. The court gave me the house since she "abandoned" the residence but gave her majority time with our boys since, "moms' are better at raising small children than dads' are."
I overcame the EOW dad by documenting everything I did with our boys. The overwhelming evidence was that both boys did over 95 % of all their homework with me even though I saw them EOW and one dinner during the school week. That took three years to get to court because of delays from opposing counsel.
I had several experiences with the police in our county because of ex. The one thing they all told me was to make sure you have all your ducks in a row for court.
Protect yourself from false allegations whichever way works best but make sure it is undeniable evidence.
Remaining calm and even is the key. Staying focused on what is best for the kids and being able to show that in court is what worked best for me.

[formflier]

  make sure it is undeniable evidence.
 

A recording kept my brother in law from going to jail.  He choked and didn't push a false claim action. 

But... .it kept him out of jail.  Cops at his house ready to put cuffs on and he asked if they would like to listen to what happened... .

Don't ever show or let the pwBPD hear the tapes.  They are for your protection... .not to "win" an argument.

FF

[SES]

Her past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour.  She has called the police, and is capable of doing it again.  Next time she might up the stakes. 

I recorded everything on two devices all the time I was in the house with my ex.  I was interviewed twice at the police station, once arrested in front of kids and neighbours.  The recordings became quite important.  The police advice... .don't delete your recordings Mr X, and remember she is unpredictable.  As the divorce went on, house came to sell, things needed packing up... .her behaviour escalated.  At one point I was also using a micro video camera as well... .so small, clipped on my belt.  Meant there was a video of events too.  I still video every handover of kids... .as she remains keen to do me harm. Like other have said, back up, secure your phone, secure emails.  Don't leave anything in the house. Don't leave anything in your car.  I kept all documents at work , and had my legal correspondence emailed to me rather than arrive by post.  She hacked my phone, and my emails.  She stole legal papers from my room when I was showering. 

[david]

Before the house was given to me by the courts, (it was a temp victory since her name was on the deed and she would not let me buy her out) ex literally emptied our house. There were 47 electrical cover plates throughout the house. She removed them all. The were three bathrooms and she took all three toilet paper holders. I mean everything that was not nailed or screwed down.
 
A few months later she filed a homeowners claim saying I stole everything from the house and tried to make it look like she did it. I received a rejection letter from the insurance company stating you are not allowed to rob yourself, since we were both on the homeowners, and then make a claim. That letter is priceless. I laughed so hard I had tears coming from my eyes.

During equitable distribution she again made a claim that I took everything and had four pages of items which she hand wrote. I had pictures of her new residence with around 80% of the items in the pictures. She valued the items at 1.2 million dollars. I agreed with the valuation, since I had proof she had the items in question, and only asked for my half in cash.

I never believed anything that crazy would happen in my life. Listen to what everyone is saying. Protect yourself and stay above the crazy.

[formflier]

 She valued the items at 1.2 million dollars. I agreed with the valuation, since I had proof she had the items in question, and only asked for my half in cash.
 

I remember this story.  Listen... .I think I've got pretty good crazy stories... .but I've got nothing on this.  

How did the final valuation go?... .I can't remember the details.

I doubt that you got 600k.

OK... .total FF hijack.  I've got to b$tch and moan about "BPD reasoning".  I can't touch the story above... .but it's still pretty funny.

I own a rental property with my father in law (the reasoning runs in the FOO).  We set it up back when we trusted each other so he got a separate bank account in his name, to deposit the money into from rent and to pay expenses from.  

Anyway... .years later he is complaining to me that after all these years "he hasn't seen one cent" from that property.  I was in a feisty mood and shot back that in fact... .he saw 100% of the cents the property produced... .since it all went to HIS account.

He then said... ."well... .that's your account... .it only has my name on it... "   Ummm... .hard to describe when someone is being serious or when someone is effing with you.  You kinda know it when you see it.  He was being serious... that's really how and what he thinks.  

Things are in motion to sell this property this summer.  I can't wait... .I'm sure it will be entertaining.

Then... .just a month or so ago... .the event that triggered me to finally cut financial ties with my wife for "my" money... .was when she went into an account where my disability money goes... .and emptied it of the remaining few hundred dollars... .to hand to her Dad... .to put in the Dad's account for this property.  

Our "deal" that was broken was no money goes to her parents without both of us agreeing.  That deal worked for about a year.

She says the deal doesn't apply because she was giving the money to me.      

So... I asked her for the money then... ."Nope... .it's in my Dad's account... .but the money is for you.  It's your house after all"  Again... .she was serious... .

Sometimes it just can't be reasoned with... .

Hijack almost over.  I should have pulled the plug on joint finances much earlier... . She flipped out for few days... .then kinda sulked for a few... .now it's the new normal.

Sigh...

FF

[Shane87]

You have to do what YOU can do to keep things calm until the divorce is over.

Can you see how YOU decided to engage on an issue, that in hindsight, you should have left alone.

All good to bring up hot food... .that could be a safety issue.  However, no need to answer "what are you going to do about it"... .or otherwise listen to ranting and raving.

Download the recorder app for your smartphone.  Keep your smartphone locked so nobody can mess with it.

Every so often (I do it about once a week) go through it and upload the recordings to the cloud (I use google drive).

Again... big passwords so you control it.

The words you need to focus on "protect" (yourself) and "disengage" (from her).  No more arguing.

Should she make a move or poke you AND you have it recorded... .my general advice is to call and press charges.  I would not involve police or CPS until you have "evidence" of your version of events.

Best to avoid those agencies if you can... .but sometimes you can't.  I've gone one round with CPS.


FF

This is good advice.  Protect yourself and disengage from her.  You won't be able to help the children if she is able to bait you and get you in trouble with the law.

[tmarshal2016]

First, thank you to those who responded to this post. I truly appreciate the comments and advice. It is so nice to know that there is a place for me here on this site.  I still feel at time I'm still going crazy and she still has so much control over me.

UPDATE:

Since that incident, I'm trying so very hard to stay away from her but she does not believe in any of my boundaries and will constantly tell me she can do whatever she wants. Unfortunately, my L is telling me not to leave the house because it can be looked upon as child abandonment with my two children by the court?... .a friend of mine who also went through a divorce with his BPD ex-wife suggested that I tell her (my uBPD wife) and show her a recorder and advise her that because of the incident with the police I will be recording our interactions.  Unfortunately that comment and the recorder did not go very good with her.  She became a child and made sarcastic comments at me.  It seem like it got worst.  At one point she got ahold of the recorder and threaten to throw it and break it.  I even thought,  she was going to erase the recording but either she did not know how to or just did not do it.  Like I stated earlier she would make childish remarks and even to this day would make comments and make facial expression at me to get a reaction.  she again would purposely pick up the recorder and drop it and then blame my oldest, which breaks my heart that she love to use my kids against me.  It's not right she does it.  other than video recording her, I fear no one will believe me.  Honestly, I am very scared of her and she uses it against me.  She hate me so much.  I understand she is splitting and projecting but it does change the fact her words and comments affect me to the 1000x degree.  I'm not sure it was a good idea that I showed her the recorder.  It seems now instead of the direct hateful comments by her, she will now make those sarcastic comments to sound as if she is nice but she is not.  Again thank you for those who read my post and thank you for any help or advise you can give me... My divorce is still going forth.   

[formflier]

Showing and telling them about recordings is BAD.

Download and app for your phone... .keep phone locked.  Upload recordings to the cloud.

I get it you need to stay in your home... .disengage from her and "stay pleasant"... .  No arguments.

If she wants to argue... go to different room.

FF

[david]

Get a second recorder that is inconspicuous and easy to have on your person. Have it with you at all times. She will be looking for the other recorder and not realize there is another one.  I can guarantee she will act out when she believes your recorder, the original, is not on you.
Thinking that explaining what you are doing will change her behavior for the better is a recipe for more chaos.
I only let my ex know I was recording after I got out of jail. We had a court order that did not permit her to exit her premises when I cam e to pick our boys up. She was in violation of that when she came out. She still comes out of her residence, in a defiant way, but keeps her distance. She knows my boundary on that. I always view it as dealing with a child and a temper tantrum. I don't take it personally.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with everything recommended to you.  It's our collective wisdom where we've "been there, done that".  I'd suggest you run new ideas past us to get our time-tested perspectives.

Sorry that your friend recommended something that upped the conflict.  Even a notification that you may be recording can trigger overreactions.  I always suggest recording, but "on the down low" so as not to be triggering.  I recall one of my earliest recordings, one of my ex's rant-raging episodes and left the camcorder out.  She viewed it.  When I got home she never said a word about it.  But I found a broken case and a pile of shredded tape at the foot of our bed.  Enough said and unsaid.  By the end of the divorce I had ended up with 3 voice recorders.  Too often one recorder was full or batteries were depleted or I couldn't get to them.

The day I called 911 I had a recorder running but it had a broken connection and the speaker didn't work.  Well, police arrived, one was a canine unit.  I don't know what she said to them but they asked me to hand my preschooler (sniffling quietly in my arms) over to his mother and "step away".  I didn't realize it then but later it dawned on me they were going to cart me away.  My divorce lawyer, when I later got one, told me policy on family dispute calls was to always take one person away.  Fortunately for me, my son 'saved' me that day, he started shrieking and grabbed me tighter.  I mean, what boy reacts like that regarding his mother?  The officer pondered, looking at me for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.

I barely avoided jailed.  That she didn't pursue charges is good.  But beware, she may be able to reference this incident if/when she makes a new claim.  She could claim this is a pattern.

Oh, what happened with my recording?  When an officer a few days later heard the recording of her vociferously threatening "I will kill you!" once before the 911 call and again after the call, she was the one arrested for Threat of DV.  Surprise, during that case I got possession of the house.  After a few months of continuances she was found not guilty.  By then we were separated.  Whether the judge gave her a break because she was a woman or that it was her first time in court or some other reason, I just don't know.  The judge stated there was no weapon in her hands and so it wasn't an 'imminent' threat.  I just feel that if it was me, a man, that was threatening I wouldn't have fared so well.

[formflier]

My brother in laws story... .(was married to my wife's older sister... .she is quite a piece of work)

Early on in the divorce my SIL stops by BIL's house to pick up kids.  Something is triggering and SIL starts doing tug of war with kids... .literally... .pulling on them to get them away from BIL.  I think it was normal goodbye hug.

Well... .BIL let's go.  Tells her to knock it off.  But... .BIL was the "diffuser" and SIL was the "aggressor".

BIL goes inside... .stops and saves recording, but assumes all is done. 

SIL goes up the street and with kids in the car, slams her arm in the car door several times, then calls the cops and says BIL did it to her.

She meets cops up the street... .gives the story, shoes the injuries to her arm... .and police go to BIL's house to arrest him.

They don't come barreling in the door, but their intention is to identify him and arrest him.

He asks if they want to hear the recording of what "actually" happened... .it gave them pause.  It was an audio recording, but even that was so inconsistent with what the SIL told, officers realized she was lying.

BIL wussed out and didn't press the "false charges" angle. 

FF

[Panda39]

Unfortunately, my L is telling me not to leave the house because it can be looked upon as child abandonment with my two children by the court?  

Have you told the lawyer about the false allegations/police situation? This could put things in a different light.  

Can you get some type of temporary custody order so you can get out?  I don't see how trying to lessen conflict would be bad for your kids and honestly I don't see how having 2 households is abandonment... .once divorced this is how everyone will be living.  I'm no lawyer but the child abandonment angle doesn't make sense to me. But then the judicial system doesn't always make sense  .

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi tmarshal2016,

Divorcing a BPD spouse while living in the home might be the 7th circle of hell. I am truly sorry you have to go through this and hope you reach out here for support so you feel less alone and overwhelmed.

A thought about this:

she is still currently with her boyfriend and leaves every Friday evening and spend the entire weekend away. 

She is leaving the kids regularly for two days every weekend. Does your lawyer know? Are you documenting this? Your wife will have a hard time explaining to a judge why she should have full custody if she is in the regular habit of ditching the kids once a week.

Your L gave you good counsel about staying in the home. If you received the same counsel after the police incident, your L may not have a good grasp of BPD and high-conflict divorces. Whether you want to continue along with this particular L is a difficult decision, but at the very least, it's probably a good idea to consult with a few criminal lawyers to find out what might happen if your wife pulls this move again.

Matt, a member who was here for many years, recommended that men have the name and number of a criminal lawyer in your wallet just in case you get hauled off to jail on a false allegation. He encouraged members to consult with one or two or three criminal lawyers so you understand exactly how things work in your state and what the repercussions of being charged with DV are.

He would often say, no matter what, do not ever plead guilty.

Meanwhile, go see a criminal lawyer who handles DV. You might hear some very different advice about whether to stay in the home or not.

If you do, it might be worth explaining some of what you shared with us. Communicating with a BPD spouse requires counter-intuitive relationship skills to prevent things from getting worse. She is holding the dynamite and provoking you to light the match. You have to learn to recognize the provocation and walk away so she can't explode things.

People with BPD can engage in legal abuse like false allegations to great advantage.

Don't let her draw you into that script.

You won't win if you do it her way.

[Panda39]

I'm not sure if anyone has recommended Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger to you already but I did want to suggest it just in case.

Please check it out if you haven't already, I know my SO found it helpful when he was going through is divorce from his uBPDxw.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

The reason you should not plead guilty or no contest or make a plea deal (which implies or admits some level of Guilt) is that it is almost surely something that will hound you in the custody and parenting issues in the divorce as well as in other areas of your life such as impact on employment.

As I recall, SPLITTING (our essential handbook) explains it this way.  If you take the plea deal or guilty plea route, then you can never again claim you didn't do it, especially legally.  However, if you stick to the truth and always maintain your innocence, you can continue to do so and hold your head high even if the court doesn't agree and finds you have some level of guilt.

Beware of physical contact.  Even if all you do is push past the raging, blocking spouse to get away, it can be blown up to "he shoved me against the wall, used a choke hold and threw me down the steps".  Yes, it happens.  Matt said his separation a decade ago occurred when his wife had raged and then to the responding police she claimed he threw her down the steps.  Fortunately his kids supported his account but both parents were still arrested and carted off for the night.  For a while he was pondering whether to write his memoir and title it with his cellmate's call out in the middle of the night, "Yo white man, you snoring!"

[david]

Document her leaving you with the kids. DO NOT let her know that you are doing that. IN court, she may say she is afraid you will harm the children if they are with you alone. Your attorney can then ask her on the stand about the evidence you have. It discredits her testimony. You can then ask for 50/50 or more time and she has no argument against it.
 You need to have a plan in place for possible future events.
Can you think of a way to get her to leave the residence without showing your hand. Even if she leaves for a few days occasionally that would be good for you in court. If she is leaving every weekend that is a plus for you. You don't want to disrupt that behavior.
If you need to leave the residence you need to be close and have the kids with you. My ex ran away with our boys. I got the house since she "abandoned " it by leaving. Originally I also had majority of time with our boys. My stepsons testified against her and that is what tipped the scale for me. However, when we went to the actual hearing the judge stated that it was his opinion that moms' are better at raising small children than dads' are and gave the majority of time to ex. It took three plus years to get to 50/50. Once ex "lost" she gave me the boys more and more.

[david]

Document what you are doing with the kids when she is there and when she is not there. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner, doing homework, baths, brushing teeth, wash, etc. You could even make a chart of all the daily chores and check them off each day. I didn't do that in the beginning.
When my ex ran away I was concerned about my abilities to manage the house with the boys. I found that I was doing the majority of the work after a few weeks since my routines hadn't changed.