A letter

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So same ol' story. I allowed myself to assist her with her anxiety last week and then she flirted with the idea of "one day getting together again." So I raged on her for her push/pull of wanting to spend time together last week. Anyway I got an email from her apologizing for reaching out when she needed emotional support. And how she can't imagine how much pain I"m in (I know ). Anyway I almost slipped. I wrote this response out. I felt better after doing it. I so badly want my 24 hours NC chip I'm going to make for myself. So I won't mess up, and start over. Here's the letter I would have sent. I think I'm going to print it, and burn it in my backyard tonight.

"You can never understand the pain. Because you won’t ever know how much I loved you. You won’t ever understand that I thought I had found the one. You won’t ever understand how in the beginning I fell for the perfect woman. You won’t ever understand the sacrifice to see your partner happy and finding real joy in their success. You won’t understand your parents pulling me aside to tell me “You really do love her don’t you?”

I was left at the darkest point of my life. And all I asked was to work on spending more quality time together and some more affection. That was all. I didn’t ask for the world. I never asked anything else of you. But I was depressed. And I needed to be carried just a little bit. I’m sorry I ruined Christmas. But it’s depression. I didn’t want to fight because I would have felt alone and not been social. That what depression does to you. I’m sorry I ruined camping. But I tried to communicate to you that it would be uncomfortable for me. But even then I still spoke to people. Just in smaller groups. And then new years day I spoke to everyone. I had changed because it was that important to you.

I always let you do your own thing; pursue your goals and hobbies. I communicated with you. But it always triggered me as my mom trying to talk to my dad who sat on the bed in silence. I remember thinking as a kid “geez mom, he doesn’t love you.” And I guess I knew the same thing here. But I didn’t walk away.

So I’m glad you are working on yourself. I’m not glad that someone else is going to be lucky enough to have you for the rest of your life as the person you were in the beginning of our relationship. That pains me. It’s a hurt you can’t understand.

You told me “I’m always right”. And I knew that if you actually tried it would have worked. By trying I mean putting love into the relationship instead of expecting it just from me. Little things. “Hey Roberto you look good today.” “Hey Roberto I know you like to go out and watch soccer why don’t we plan a trip to the city to do that?” It would have changed your whole perspective. Because you would have been putting into the relationship. And it would have changed mine. I would have jumped to walk the dog, buy you stuff, make you coffee, compromise. Because we'd both be doing it. By trying, I mean going to couples therapy, and finding out after a few sessions how amazing our life had become because we were learning how to talk to each other. We never tried. We never actually tried.

You wanted to try again. But it didn’t change. You got depressed and instead of communicating you left again. I even asked you the whole week before to talk if you needed to. I knew it was coming. If you would have talked you would have felt better about us. We are therapists. We know talking works.

Even trying to work on ourselves in the relationship to make it grow. “Hey Roberto I’m feeling really conflicted about us. Can we talk about that?” or “Hey EX I’m feeling a little upset today can we talk about that?” Then we would have broke down our self-sabotage walls which will follow us into our single lives anyway. Our walls are up and in place now; just like they always were. It’s safer. But it’s not healthier.

But I could never make you want to try. I know you. I  know that when things get uncomfortable you like to get away from it as soon as possible. This became uncomfortable for you. We were right on the edge of “making it”. But we both had to jump. I jumped. Willingly. I was ready for all the pain, discomfort, anger, and sadness that comes in a relationship. You weren’t. And that’s fine.

You may think you fell out of love or something like that. Yeah it happens. But as that article said; every couple does. It’s when both people love each other enough that they keep going and put work in. You said you can’t put the work in. But you didn’t ever actually try. So how could you say that? I’m not blaming you. But you’d have to prove to yourself that by putting love into it you wouldn’t change your feelings. Well you would have changed your feelings. We would have gotten better. Individually and together. It’s science. It’s brain chemistry. There’s no secret to it.

People stay together because they both work on it. Especially when they don't want to. Outside of physical abuse or cheating or something like that. There’s no other trick to a relationship. And that’s what pains me. I helped you through so many uncomfortable situations. Held your hand, and then let you walk the path to success. You always sought my advice; on everything but how to make us find our love again. It’s annoying knowing exactly what happened, and not being able to do anything about it. To see the key to success for us, but not being able to have you take a giant leap of faith. A big key to loving yourself is to love others unconditionally. The path to self-love doesn’t come from just loving yourself. It comes from loving others so that you end up loving yourself for the kind, caring person you become. 

So no. You can’t understand. And I hope you never have to experience this pain. It’s not something I wish on anyone. One day you will be faced with this exact challenge again. You will have to carry your partner for a period of their life. Offer them support. Love them when you don't want to. Put their needs first.

I don't know what the next guy will have that I don't. Maybe he will treat you better so you'll be more willing to do those things. Maybe he will be filthy rich and successful. I don't know. It's not my problem. All I know is he will be very lucky. I wish you the best." 

[roberto516]

So same ol' story. I allowed myself to assist her with her anxiety last week and then she flirted with the idea of "one day getting together again." So I raged on her for her push/pull of wanting to spend time together last week. Anyway I got an email from her apologizing for reaching out when she needed emotional support. And how she can't imagine how much pain I"m in (I know ). Anyway I almost slipped. I wrote this response out. I felt better after doing it. I so badly want my 24 hours NC chip I'm going to make for myself. So I won't mess up, and start over. Here's the letter I would have sent. I think I'm going to print it, and burn it in my backyard tonight.

"You can never understand the pain. Because you won’t ever know how much I loved you. You won’t ever understand that I thought I had found the one. You won’t ever understand how in the beginning I fell for the perfect woman. You won’t ever understand the sacrifice to see your partner happy and finding real joy in their success. You won’t understand your parents pulling me aside to tell me “You really do love her don’t you?”

I was left at the darkest point of my life. And all I asked was to work on spending more quality time together and some more affection. That was all. I didn’t ask for the world. I never asked anything else of you. But I was depressed. And I needed to be carried just a little bit. I’m sorry I ruined Christmas. But it’s depression. I didn’t want to fight because I would have felt alone and not been social. That what depression does to you. I’m sorry I ruined camping. But I tried to communicate to you that it would be uncomfortable for me. But even then I still spoke to people. Just in smaller groups. And then new years day I spoke to everyone. I had changed because it was that important to you.

I always let you do your own thing; pursue your goals and hobbies. I communicated with you. But it always triggered me as my mom trying to talk to my dad who sat on the bed in silence. I remember thinking as a kid “geez mom, he doesn’t love you.” And I guess I knew the same thing here. But I didn’t walk away.

So I’m glad you are working on yourself. I’m not glad that someone else is going to be lucky enough to have you for the rest of your life as the person you were in the beginning of our relationship. That pains me. It’s a hurt you can’t understand.

You told me “I’m always right”. And I knew that if you actually tried it would have worked. By trying I mean putting love into the relationship instead of expecting it just from me. Little things. “Hey Roberto you look good today.” “Hey Roberto I know you like to go out and watch soccer why don’t we plan a trip to the city to do that?” It would have changed your whole perspective. Because you would have been putting into the relationship. And it would have changed mine. I would have jumped to walk the dog, buy you stuff, make you coffee, compromise. Because we'd both be doing it. By trying, I mean going to couples therapy, and finding out after a few sessions how amazing our life had become because we were learning how to talk to each other. We never tried. We never actually tried.

You wanted to try again. But it didn’t change. You got depressed and instead of communicating you left again. I even asked you the whole week before to talk if you needed to. I knew it was coming. If you would have talked you would have felt better about us. We are therapists. We know talking works.

Even trying to work on ourselves in the relationship to make it grow. “Hey Roberto I’m feeling really conflicted about us. Can we talk about that?” or “Hey EX I’m feeling a little upset today can we talk about that?” Then we would have broke down our self-sabotage walls which will follow us into our single lives anyway. Our walls are up and in place now; just like they always were. It’s safer. But it’s not healthier.

But I could never make you want to try. I know you. I  know that when things get uncomfortable you like to get away from it as soon as possible. This became uncomfortable for you. We were right on the edge of “making it”. But we both had to jump. I jumped. Willingly. I was ready for all the pain, discomfort, anger, and sadness that comes in a relationship. You weren’t. And that’s fine.

You may think you fell out of love or something like that. Yeah it happens. But as that article said; every couple does. It’s when both people love each other enough that they keep going and put work in. You said you can’t put the work in. But you didn’t ever actually try. So how could you say that? I’m not blaming you. But you’d have to prove to yourself that by putting love into it you wouldn’t change your feelings. Well you would have changed your feelings. We would have gotten better. Individually and together. It’s science. It’s brain chemistry. There’s no secret to it.

People stay together because they both work on it. Especially when they don't want to. Outside of physical abuse or cheating or something like that. There’s no other trick to a relationship. And that’s what pains me. I helped you through so many uncomfortable situations. Held your hand, and then let you walk the path to success. You always sought my advice; on everything but how to make us find our love again. It’s annoying knowing exactly what happened, and not being able to do anything about it. To see the key to success for us, but not being able to have you take a giant leap of faith. A big key to loving yourself is to love others unconditionally. The path to self-love doesn’t come from just loving yourself. It comes from loving others so that you end up loving yourself for the kind, caring person you become. 

So no. You can’t understand. And I hope you never have to experience this pain. It’s not something I wish on anyone. One day you will be faced with this exact challenge again. You will have to carry your partner for a period of their life. Offer them support. Love them when you don't want to. Put their needs first.

I don't know what the next guy will have that I don't. Maybe he will treat you better so you'll be more willing to do those things. Maybe he will be filthy rich and successful. I don't know. It's not my problem. All I know is he will be very lucky. I wish you the best." 

[In a bad way]

I think that is a great letter, I've saved it as a PDF.
I'm wondering whether to make the obvious changes and send it to my ex on the 1 year since I saw her (in 3 weeks time).
It strikes a massive chord.
Then again she hasn't contacted me in all that time, she hates me.

[roberto516]

I think that is a great letter, I've saved it as a PDF.
I'm wondering whether to make the obvious changes and send it to my ex on the 1 year since I saw her (in 3 weeks time).
It strikes a massive chord.
Then again she hasn't contacted me in all that time, she hates me.

It was difficult to write. Because I knew we were so close. I spoke to a coworker about it finally, and she said it all makes sense. It even pained me more because she said she could see what she was doing. And now my co-worker is in a good relationship. Because she trusted this guy and was vulnerable with him, and talked about her relationship insecurities. And she saw that there was nothing to be afraid of. And I just sat there thinking "Why couldn't she trust me enough to do that?" And if she keeps working on herself she will probably do it with someone else. I don't know. It does stink. As I said, to know we were so close. All she had to do was make a committment to talk about her deepest fears. And she would have saw I was someone she could trust. Oh well. It's a lesson learned. She can share her life with someone else one day. I know I did all I could, and didn't self-sabotage this one. I didn't run away like I always used to do. Sadly, the day she realizes that it will be with someone else. Live and learn I guess.

[Idsrvt2]

Excellent letter ... did I read that correctly , you both are therapists?

Your last few lines is exactly how I feel as well.

My relationship was much like you described... .instead of me expressing my feelings calmly i would lash out because I was always in a heightened state of alert from the push pull and fear he would dump me again.
And everything was via text or phone

I wish I could turn back time I can't... .but I also wish he wanted to fight for me as much as I did for him... .to overlook my flaws ... .

Please don't send that letter , we feel it's nice, but BPD twist things as you know,