Stuck in the Middle

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My H has reached the breaking point on family drama so I thought I'd reach out here for a little support.  Mom and Sis display textbook BPD but neither one will admit it.  Most of the time they are best of friends and I'm the evil child left out of the loop.  That is until things happen between them - then they both turn to me.  Recently M and S were at beach - sharing a condo for the week when things blew up.  I haven't done a family vacation in years because of navigating the family chaos so I wasn't part of any of it.  But Dad calls me first to warn me.  Soon after I get Mom's call with her side and then I get my sister's side later that night.  I've learned to simply listen and not say anything and typically it blows over and I can go back to my peaceful world.  Not happening this time.

My niece is sick - in and out of the hospital for the last few days but Sis blocked M's calls after the beach (over a month ago) and refuses to answer them.  Sis will tell her children to update "grandma" but Sis won't talk to her directly.  Today M called the doctor directly trying to get information because she doesn't trust what the kids are telling her.  I in turn get the tirade from Sis about Mom has no boundaries and can't stand not being in control.  I know how this all goes and I work very hard to just listen, let each one of them vent and then move on but it gets harder and harder all the time not to scream at them.  They are both being so childish and I'd love to sit them down and tell them to grow up but decades of experience tells me that I know this will never happen.

It just gets so frustrating listening to each of them describe each other in the exact same way.  I've dreamed of taping them that they might listen to themselves and each other and open their eyes but that will never happen.  Each one jockeying for control - talking about how the other has no boundaries and thinks of no one but themselves.  Sister saying that it's all about Mom while Mom telling me that Sister never thinks of anyone but herself.  It's a total tape recording and all I want to say is your both right - you both think of no one but yourself first.  But I don't.  I know better.  I offer a few words that I consider to be consoling and they will each hang up when they realize that I no longer play into their games and bash the other.  But it gets so hard to keep doing this all the time.  I've gone NC plenty of times and I only answer about half the calls anymore.  I'm managing but today is just one of those days when I could really stand to hear someone say "I understand".  Thanks.

[Phoenix09]

My H has reached the breaking point on family drama so I thought I'd reach out here for a little support.  Mom and Sis display textbook BPD but neither one will admit it.  Most of the time they are best of friends and I'm the evil child left out of the loop.  That is until things happen between them - then they both turn to me.  Recently M and S were at beach - sharing a condo for the week when things blew up.  I haven't done a family vacation in years because of navigating the family chaos so I wasn't part of any of it.  But Dad calls me first to warn me.  Soon after I get Mom's call with her side and then I get my sister's side later that night.  I've learned to simply listen and not say anything and typically it blows over and I can go back to my peaceful world.  Not happening this time.

My niece is sick - in and out of the hospital for the last few days but Sis blocked M's calls after the beach (over a month ago) and refuses to answer them.  Sis will tell her children to update "grandma" but Sis won't talk to her directly.  Today M called the doctor directly trying to get information because she doesn't trust what the kids are telling her.  I in turn get the tirade from Sis about Mom has no boundaries and can't stand not being in control.  I know how this all goes and I work very hard to just listen, let each one of them vent and then move on but it gets harder and harder all the time not to scream at them.  They are both being so childish and I'd love to sit them down and tell them to grow up but decades of experience tells me that I know this will never happen.

It just gets so frustrating listening to each of them describe each other in the exact same way.  I've dreamed of taping them that they might listen to themselves and each other and open their eyes but that will never happen.  Each one jockeying for control - talking about how the other has no boundaries and thinks of no one but themselves.  Sister saying that it's all about Mom while Mom telling me that Sister never thinks of anyone but herself.  It's a total tape recording and all I want to say is your both right - you both think of no one but yourself first.  But I don't.  I know better.  I offer a few words that I consider to be consoling and they will each hang up when they realize that I no longer play into their games and bash the other.  But it gets so hard to keep doing this all the time.  I've gone NC plenty of times and I only answer about half the calls anymore.  I'm managing but today is just one of those days when I could really stand to hear someone say "I understand".  Thanks.

[Turkish]

They're drawing you into their drama triangle,  and though you've participated in the past in order to soothe both of them,  it sounds like you're fed up.  Not all triangulation is bad,  but it sounds dysfunctional here. It's stressing the heck out of you  You are not responsible for their feelings towards each other,  and certainly not their r/s. They are both adults,  responsible for their own behaviors,  yes?

Can you tighten up boundaries with SET statements?

I get how mom can be frustrating,  especially given [Niece] is sick.  This would bother me,  too,  and I'd want to focus on [Niece] and supporting her without having to worry about mom.  As your sis and her aunt,  I'll be there for the both of you.  However,  I'm going to step back from whatever is going on with you and mom and focus on supporting you and [Niece] right now. Let me know how I can help,  apart from mom.

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Does this sound like something you could try?

T

[GwenO]

I hope the following information helps... .

I found the following on this website titled "Karpman Drama Triangles – Pathological Conflict - https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle."

Before learning about this website (bpdfamily.com), I purchased "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. There's information in the book on the topic of boundaries... .chapter 6 "Understanding Your Situation: Setting Boundaries, and Developing Skills."

Do you have a special friend that you can share what you have posted here?  Someone neutral (not a relative nor spouse)... .who's willing to ask questions and provide constructive (not destructive) advice.

Is family counseling a possibility?  If not, would you consider some individual counseling.

Yes, I understand your situation.

My BPD sister doesn't understand boundaries, and as an example, I decided to follow-up after a phone call with a letter which read in part... ."“As to the “when” we are together again as a family, any issues/concerns will be addressed by us, the parents.  We have never made any requests from other family members to act on our behalf.  Your role as Aunt and being part of our extended family is very important, to be supportive, encouraging and loving.”  With that being stated, it’s important to us that you respect our wishes and not feel like you have to take any direct role to represent us... .in closing, I want to thank you for respecting our wishes." 

The next time that I was in town, it resulted in a face-to-face confrontation in the parking lot of the apartment complex where my BPD sister lives at... .she expressed displeasure that I would even send such a letter, that she has never overstepped boundaries or something to the effect of "only one time"... .and that she was justified in doing so.  My BPD sister stated that we are entitled to our own opinions... .went on-n-on about my major faults (meaning going back years).  I simply replied that she does overstep boundaries and I ended the conversation with that I was sorry the way it turned out... .and my sister replied that she wasn't.

... .if anything, this was my first baby steps in making a change.