NNPD friend: how to keep her on a distance without endagering myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi.
I have a NBPD and NNPD mom. The same goes for my brother.
Now I've found out that one of my friends, and my previous supervisor, at a practice placement, is probably an NNPD and possibly NBPD too (she is in her klimax, and I've only known her for a couple of years).
She seems to be a covert NNPD, since it took me two years to realize something is seriously wrong.

These are the things that have happened in the last six months:

1) I've confided to her, telling her about having a psychosis, a sick mom with NBPD and all kinds of family issues and experiences during my childhood.

2) She was my supervisor but it was unsure what she wanted. In the beginning she said that I should prioritize computers, but then the next day she changed and said I should prioritize the Makerspace. So I was confused, and made a decision on my own. She is like a squirrel, jumping from project to project, knowing little about all kinds of subjects, but never wants to do the digging, the searching for solutions, the hard work. I've never seen her reading a book, just buying them.

3) I was doing all the boring chores that fall into her line of work, while she was playing around with fun, personal projects, like vinyl cutting with Silhouette Cameo and making t-shirts (she's made at least 5). She barely made an effort to teach me how to use Silhouette Cameo. No other training did she use time on.
I was therefore mostly working on updating computers, one by one, a tedious work, while watching her enjoy herself - she practically used me to get some time off to do personal stuff in her work time; payed, while I worked for free (just realized this, after withdrawing myself from the situation; I don't know what this is called - gaslighting?).

4) My mom got sick in November, and was admitted into the hospital. I had a lot to do, functioning as a temporary legal guardian, doing as much as I could. I got problems sleeping after a while, my biorythm got disturbed, but I did get enough sleep, I was functioning. But I told that to my supervisor and friend. Between Christmas and New Years Eve, this friend, comes to the workplace to play with her personal projects - still on her vacation, while I am at work. She still feels entitled and the boss of me, even though on vacation, and starts a 3D-print that lasts one hour longer than the closing time - never involving me, asking me if I have the time to sit and wait for it to be finished. And it's my responsibility that all the machines are switched off before I go, unless she stays. Since she didn't involved me into this, I assumed she would take care of it herself. She knew I had to go right after closing time, yet, she packed and left before me, leaving me to take care of the 3D-print. I confronted her about this, telling her that next time I would switch it off. And I said no to being her secretary and calling her to remind her of the 3D-print still running. The very next day afte me setting boundaries, not willing to take her responsibilities on me, she shortened the time I could work from 22PM to 17 PM. And then she lied to me about the reasons: first it was the ligths couldn't stay on in the whole building. Then when confronted that the lights could be switched on just in the  room, she said it was the ventilation. And then she finally said it: "We don't want you to turn your biorythm upside down." That was total bs; my biorythm was already damaged and I was functioning fine - never staying longer than 19PM, because I have to train at 19.30PM. This kept me going - both my training and the work.
Shortening my hours without talking to me first about what I need in this kind of situation made my life harder, not easier. The whole point of having an adjusted work place for someone like me, with 5 chronic illnesses, totally disappeared with the adjustment being taken away. She was punishing me for setting boundaries! I never told her boss about this. Perhaps I should have gone over her head, and tested if she could do this to someone like me - if her boss had approved this restriction. I doubt he did.
I really needed less pressure and more flexibility during this difficult and busy period, but she wouldn't budge. If I wasn't there before 16PM I didn't need to come at all. I tried hard, but in the end I gave up. My sleeping problems got worse because of all this and it was too difficult with all this pressure to do something that wasn't my first priority before 16PM. Later I asked another employee about the restricitions of being there after 17PM because of the lights - he said that he hadn't heard anything about it. So, I'm pretty sure it was her little revenge to punish me for not being obedient.

5) Almost two months after I quit, without much talking and no meeting what so ever, she shows up at my door, ringing the bell over and over again like a stubborn donkey, waking me up at 10AM (she knows about my troubles sleeping). She had read two sentences I wrote on Facebook, went paranoid thinking that I would commit a suicide - nobody else interpreted it that way, just her. After not being able to reach me on the phone, she rushed to my home - even though I never gave her my address as a private person. It was only given to the employer when I applied for the practice placement. This scared me, but I hid my feelings, comforting her and taking the responsibility myself for her wrongfull interpretation, apologizing even though I thought "It's not me, it's you." all the time. The day after, we met and she decided that I should work with Arduino this year, as a volunteer at the local code club at her work place - no questions about what I need and can, just an order, because they are lacking volunteers for Arduino. I've been active at the code club for two years, but I've said that I'm too unreliable for it this year and that it's best if they didn't count on me now. First she said that I could be a visiting helper on Scratch, helping only when I can. Then she practically ordered me to work with Arduino pushing me to take an Arduino package home with me for Easter. I didn't have the capacity to learn Arduino, nor to return it, so it's still at my place. Should I return it, or make her come get it? I'm tired of being her slave. Besides, I'm the one sick with lots of responsibilities (two emotional vampires as they are called).

6) Last Friday I was working with my personal stuff at her workplace at the Makerspace - shortening a table cloth, since it's my birthday soon and I'm working on loving my self and doing what makes me happy, what's good for me. After all other visitors left at the closing time, she told me to give back the access card to the building. It was probably bothering her that I had worn it around my neck while not being a volunteer, just a visitor. I could get it back when I started to work as a volunteer at the code club again, she said. I didn't understand anything, I had never said that I'm quiting as a volunteer, but I could hear from her voice that she was angry. So I returned it at the reception - I was anyway looking for a way out of this relationship, so it didn't hurt me, I kept calm. After she saw it, she left. I emptied my closet, took out the working clothes that were still there, left them at the table and wrote a note: "Since I'm not counted as a volunteer anymore - thank you and goodbye."

7) On Monday she wrote on Facebook: you are always welcome back as a volunteer when you get better. I replied: "I never said that I'm quitting." She then said that it was normal for me to give back the card since it was taken away from all others who had got it two years ago. I then remembered the ultimatum she gave me: that I will get the card back when I get back as a volunteer and confronted her with that lie. She didn't have anything to say about that. I also said that if she wants the Arduino package, she can come get it back herself - I'm tired and sick and a next of kin for two seriously ill members of my family. It is exhausting and I need to take care of myself, so I'll take it back when I can. OK was the reply.

8) She has sent her son to my choir. After one or two rehearsals, he seemed to be no show. But then another employee from her workplace showed up at the choir. After that I stopped going.

9) She had been watching my presence on the Facebook. Once, at 4 AM she suddenly asked: "When do you go to sleep usually?" Since then I've kept my online mode hidden from her. This is scarry for me. A huge intrusion into my private life, which is none of her business.

This Friday I want to go back and finish sewing my table cloth. I don't have a sewing machine at home and I need help. Is it ok for me to go or should I establish NC? It would feel really good for me to go, since it gives me joy and it's nice that the tables have turned - she has to be my "slave" while I'm having fun. I'm not emotionally attached to her, so I think I can manage it well, whatever happens in front of other visitors.

What do I do about her coming uninvited at my door, breaking the confidence I had given to the employer when I gave them my adress? To me this is a serious breach of my privacy and my private life boundaries. I don't like it and I need to establish for her that it is not ok that she does it again. Will it be too dangerous for me to tell her boss? She seems to be the vulnerable NNPD type. I am also afraid that she might to something to my home, a revenge of some kind, since I live at the ground level.

This is the second time I encounter a NNPD in a working environment. The first time it was also a person who just dumped something she had started on me, asking me about it while I was on the phone, unable to answer, and leaving work at the time when I was supposed to leave while I stayed for three more hours and ended up in tears, because I had told her, the project leader, that I needed to go early. Luckily, my department leader was still at work at that hour, and we agreed that I could come in late the next day. Still, the next day, when we went sailing, I gave the same project leader, a half of my chocolate bar, because she was hungry. Even today, I could never work with that woman again.

[Towanda]

Hi.
I have a NBPD and NNPD mom. The same goes for my brother.
Now I've found out that one of my friends, and my previous supervisor, at a practice placement, is probably an NNPD and possibly NBPD too (she is in her klimax, and I've only known her for a couple of years).
She seems to be a covert NNPD, since it took me two years to realize something is seriously wrong.

These are the things that have happened in the last six months:

1) I've confided to her, telling her about having a psychosis, a sick mom with NBPD and all kinds of family issues and experiences during my childhood.

2) She was my supervisor but it was unsure what she wanted. In the beginning she said that I should prioritize computers, but then the next day she changed and said I should prioritize the Makerspace. So I was confused, and made a decision on my own. She is like a squirrel, jumping from project to project, knowing little about all kinds of subjects, but never wants to do the digging, the searching for solutions, the hard work. I've never seen her reading a book, just buying them.

3) I was doing all the boring chores that fall into her line of work, while she was playing around with fun, personal projects, like vinyl cutting with Silhouette Cameo and making t-shirts (she's made at least 5). She barely made an effort to teach me how to use Silhouette Cameo. No other training did she use time on.
I was therefore mostly working on updating computers, one by one, a tedious work, while watching her enjoy herself - she practically used me to get some time off to do personal stuff in her work time; payed, while I worked for free (just realized this, after withdrawing myself from the situation; I don't know what this is called - gaslighting?).

4) My mom got sick in November, and was admitted into the hospital. I had a lot to do, functioning as a temporary legal guardian, doing as much as I could. I got problems sleeping after a while, my biorythm got disturbed, but I did get enough sleep, I was functioning. But I told that to my supervisor and friend. Between Christmas and New Years Eve, this friend, comes to the workplace to play with her personal projects - still on her vacation, while I am at work. She still feels entitled and the boss of me, even though on vacation, and starts a 3D-print that lasts one hour longer than the closing time - never involving me, asking me if I have the time to sit and wait for it to be finished. And it's my responsibility that all the machines are switched off before I go, unless she stays. Since she didn't involved me into this, I assumed she would take care of it herself. She knew I had to go right after closing time, yet, she packed and left before me, leaving me to take care of the 3D-print. I confronted her about this, telling her that next time I would switch it off. And I said no to being her secretary and calling her to remind her of the 3D-print still running. The very next day afte me setting boundaries, not willing to take her responsibilities on me, she shortened the time I could work from 22PM to 17 PM. And then she lied to me about the reasons: first it was the ligths couldn't stay on in the whole building. Then when confronted that the lights could be switched on just in the  room, she said it was the ventilation. And then she finally said it: "We don't want you to turn your biorythm upside down." That was total bs; my biorythm was already damaged and I was functioning fine - never staying longer than 19PM, because I have to train at 19.30PM. This kept me going - both my training and the work.
Shortening my hours without talking to me first about what I need in this kind of situation made my life harder, not easier. The whole point of having an adjusted work place for someone like me, with 5 chronic illnesses, totally disappeared with the adjustment being taken away. She was punishing me for setting boundaries! I never told her boss about this. Perhaps I should have gone over her head, and tested if she could do this to someone like me - if her boss had approved this restriction. I doubt he did.
I really needed less pressure and more flexibility during this difficult and busy period, but she wouldn't budge. If I wasn't there before 16PM I didn't need to come at all. I tried hard, but in the end I gave up. My sleeping problems got worse because of all this and it was too difficult with all this pressure to do something that wasn't my first priority before 16PM. Later I asked another employee about the restricitions of being there after 17PM because of the lights - he said that he hadn't heard anything about it. So, I'm pretty sure it was her little revenge to punish me for not being obedient.

5) Almost two months after I quit, without much talking and no meeting what so ever, she shows up at my door, ringing the bell over and over again like a stubborn donkey, waking me up at 10AM (she knows about my troubles sleeping). She had read two sentences I wrote on Facebook, went paranoid thinking that I would commit a suicide - nobody else interpreted it that way, just her. After not being able to reach me on the phone, she rushed to my home - even though I never gave her my address as a private person. It was only given to the employer when I applied for the practice placement. This scared me, but I hid my feelings, comforting her and taking the responsibility myself for her wrongfull interpretation, apologizing even though I thought "It's not me, it's you." all the time. The day after, we met and she decided that I should work with Arduino this year, as a volunteer at the local code club at her work place - no questions about what I need and can, just an order, because they are lacking volunteers for Arduino. I've been active at the code club for two years, but I've said that I'm too unreliable for it this year and that it's best if they didn't count on me now. First she said that I could be a visiting helper on Scratch, helping only when I can. Then she practically ordered me to work with Arduino pushing me to take an Arduino package home with me for Easter. I didn't have the capacity to learn Arduino, nor to return it, so it's still at my place. Should I return it, or make her come get it? I'm tired of being her slave. Besides, I'm the one sick with lots of responsibilities (two emotional vampires as they are called).

6) Last Friday I was working with my personal stuff at her workplace at the Makerspace - shortening a table cloth, since it's my birthday soon and I'm working on loving my self and doing what makes me happy, what's good for me. After all other visitors left at the closing time, she told me to give back the access card to the building. It was probably bothering her that I had worn it around my neck while not being a volunteer, just a visitor. I could get it back when I started to work as a volunteer at the code club again, she said. I didn't understand anything, I had never said that I'm quiting as a volunteer, but I could hear from her voice that she was angry. So I returned it at the reception - I was anyway looking for a way out of this relationship, so it didn't hurt me, I kept calm. After she saw it, she left. I emptied my closet, took out the working clothes that were still there, left them at the table and wrote a note: "Since I'm not counted as a volunteer anymore - thank you and goodbye."

7) On Monday she wrote on Facebook: you are always welcome back as a volunteer when you get better. I replied: "I never said that I'm quitting." She then said that it was normal for me to give back the card since it was taken away from all others who had got it two years ago. I then remembered the ultimatum she gave me: that I will get the card back when I get back as a volunteer and confronted her with that lie. She didn't have anything to say about that. I also said that if she wants the Arduino package, she can come get it back herself - I'm tired and sick and a next of kin for two seriously ill members of my family. It is exhausting and I need to take care of myself, so I'll take it back when I can. OK was the reply.

8) She has sent her son to my choir. After one or two rehearsals, he seemed to be no show. But then another employee from her workplace showed up at the choir. After that I stopped going.

9) She had been watching my presence on the Facebook. Once, at 4 AM she suddenly asked: "When do you go to sleep usually?" Since then I've kept my online mode hidden from her. This is scarry for me. A huge intrusion into my private life, which is none of her business.

This Friday I want to go back and finish sewing my table cloth. I don't have a sewing machine at home and I need help. Is it ok for me to go or should I establish NC? It would feel really good for me to go, since it gives me joy and it's nice that the tables have turned - she has to be my "slave" while I'm having fun. I'm not emotionally attached to her, so I think I can manage it well, whatever happens in front of other visitors.

What do I do about her coming uninvited at my door, breaking the confidence I had given to the employer when I gave them my adress? To me this is a serious breach of my privacy and my private life boundaries. I don't like it and I need to establish for her that it is not ok that she does it again. Will it be too dangerous for me to tell her boss? She seems to be the vulnerable NNPD type. I am also afraid that she might to something to my home, a revenge of some kind, since I live at the ground level.

This is the second time I encounter a NNPD in a working environment. The first time it was also a person who just dumped something she had started on me, asking me about it while I was on the phone, unable to answer, and leaving work at the time when I was supposed to leave while I stayed for three more hours and ended up in tears, because I had told her, the project leader, that I needed to go early. Luckily, my department leader was still at work at that hour, and we agreed that I could come in late the next day. Still, the next day, when we went sailing, I gave the same project leader, a half of my chocolate bar, because she was hungry. Even today, I could never work with that woman again.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that's a lot of complicated history with this woman.

Just to clarify... .at one time, she was your supervisor, and (apparently) retaliated against you in your job for slights on your part (perceived or otherwise).

Besides the (tumultuous) personal friendship, what is left in your relationship with her now?

Do you actively need anything from her?
Are there things she can do to harm you, professionally?

In other words, does she have any external power or leverage over you?

If not, you simply have to figure out what you want to do with this friendship, otherwise, you have additional complications.