Getting over my BPD ex girlfriend

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I finished the relationship with my BPD married lover a month ago. I had been seeing her off and on for over 14 years. We first met on a dating site when I was single and she told me she was single too. I took a train travelling over 100 miles to meet her in a pub (mainly because she was beautiful and fashionable in a way that appealed to my punk rock sensibilites). It is not an exaggeration to say that I fell for her instantly. Then of course she told me she was married. I was annoyed but too late, I was already hooked. We went to a hotel, made love, and then she invited me to come back to her house to meet her husband. I said that was a terrible idea. What I didn't know at the time was that she was already in the throes of a serious drinking problem. As indeed was I.

Not long after this meeting I stopped drinking and she decided to follow suit. We would meet for a pizza or to make love. Always at my behest. She suffered from severe depression for which she was on medication. She told me at the time that she wanted a man who would put her on a pedestal. I didn't know about BPD then and so I was confused. Every time after meeting, she would withdraw and go distant. Since our only form of contact was texting this made me rage and I would give her a tongue lashing as I felt intense pain and emptiness after such wonderful times with her. From very early on in our relationship she characterised me as an angry man. I told her that my anger towards her was only due to frustration at her behaviour. But she used this perceived aggression as a stick to beat me with all through our relationship. I was always very loving when we met and so the words 'abuse' and 'aggression' rankled me deeply.

I eventually met somebody else but my borderline continued to want to see me. We did this dance for a while but in the end I couldn't take it anymore and stuck with my new girlfriend. The borderline kept in contact and we continued a torturous relationship with me constantly upset at her hot cold behaviour and her continuing to withdraw. My new girlfriend lived about 50 miles North of where the borderline lived and every time I drove past her turning on the motorway I would text her, hoping she would say, 'swing by' - of course she never did. The borderline's husband contracted cancer and she thought he might die. I stayed in contact to be of some support but one night I said something about her husband that upset her (this was an online argument) and she ceased contact with me. This was deeply distressing at that time as I was deeply in love with her (that's what it felt like anyway).

Fast forward many years and I was now married. Sadly my relationship was not sexual and I got married because my wife is a wonderful person and I wanted companionship. Six months into my marriage, just as I was contemplating a celibate life and feeling uneasy about it, the borderline got back in contact. I assumed her husband had died and so I met up with her.

I showed her photos of my wedding and she looked happy for me. She seemed to be a very different person from the reluctant hot and cold person I knew. She was also as beautiful as ever. This meeting was a far cry from the torturous meetings we used to have and I thought she must have been happier in her life since her husband passed. I then gently broached the subject of her husband, not wanting to upset her, and she told me he was still alive.

Now I would like to say that I ran out of the coffee shop and ceased all contact. But I did the absolute opposite. I pursued her like an addict. She came to London and we were due to meet in her hotel but she got cold feet as she said she was worried her husband might come to London to find her. She told me that he was very suspicious and controlling.

(A little background here: My borderline and her husband work together from home and she is in his sight 24/7 and she felt claustrophobic and smothered. She admitted to past trangressions (during her drinking days) that made him suspicious of her. She told me he was autistic and never kissed her. She also said he never talks to her). 

We went out to dinner and somebody recognised me (I have a job that puts me in the public eye). She looked very put out and when I asked her what the problem was she told me, 'I want to be the centre of attention.' I couldn't quite believe she had said that but I let it go.

As I write this I am now completely aware of how crazy I was to pursue this relationship and worse still, hang on to the idea that not only was my borderline the love of my life, but that one day we would be together. To be fair to her, she never once suggested this would happen and since she has children, she never expressed any desire to change her living circumstances. In fact when I brought up the subject she dismissed it out of hand. She also told me around this time that she wouldn't care if she never had sex again. I was devastated at those words and then she added. 'I didn't mean with you.' I was very confused.

Nevertheless, we carried on an affair and during these two years she was both wonderful and awful. Our lovemaking was incredible, though she was never adventurous. She did what I wanted to as often as I wanted, during our meets. Though outside of these meetings she was never forthcoming about sex nor complimentary to me in any way. Prompted by my passionate declarations of love she would text, 'I love you too' or 'I miss you.' That was as close as we ever got to intimacy outside of our meetings. However, when we did meet, she seemed to be everything I could ever want: Beautiful and willing and even though I had my doubts as to whether she actually enjoyed sex or even me kissing her (which she had told me she wanted), for me it was Nirvana. We always had wonderful times when we met, though sometimes I did  try to hold her to account for her behaviour towards me outside of our meetings. She would always break down in tears and say that I was a bully for constantly highlighting her shortcomings. I was as contented as it was possible to be in this situation though (which looking back was not really content at all) as I was getting the love I needed along with intimacy. However, it always left me wanting more.

After about two years of infrequent meetings she suddenly began to drink again. There was a death in her family and that triggered a relapse after many years sobriety. She became abusive and I stopped seeing her. I then got a year of abuse from her which culminated in her telling me that I was 'dead to her.' During this time she became obsessed with knowing what I was doing on Facebook and talked alot about my wife, saying that my wife was better for me and that she was nothing but a terrible, ugly person (despite being beautiful, my borderline always hated how she looked and often insisted on turning the lights off during sex). One day she rang me in tears and said she needed help. I had been in AA for many years and offered to help. Despite this, she still didn't get sober. A further torturous period followed and I finally cut her off completely. During this time I had to have counselling for depression. I told my poor wife that I was depressed about work issues. I contemplated telling my wife the truth but reasoned it would only hurt her and since we weren't having sex what was the harm? Morally reprehensible I know, but I was a lost soul. Eventually my borderline emailed me to say she was going to rehab.

I let her back into my life and we started the whole dance over again. I was initially cool on her because she let it slip that during her drinking, when she had texted me from a gig, she had been with another man. She swore he was much older and they were just friends. I didn't believe her but I put it down to her drinking. I forgave her and let it go. There was a brief honeymoon period where we met a few times and went dancing together. This reconfirmed all of my romantic notions of her and once again I was deeply in love. If anything I was in even more trouble now as I felt the year of abuse had made me even more needy of her love and attention... .

... .And then, of course, her aloofness started again. This time I called her out on it and she repeated her fallback position that I was an angry and aggressive man. She also told me that she was 'not going to jump through my hoops.' It was at this point that I read some articles online about BPD. Specifically what happens when a BPD meets a Narcissist. I felt this article explained exactly the way our relationship had gone over the years but with some differences. My borderline totally missed out the bit where she made me feel special. I feel that I may be on the NPD spectrum, if there is such a thing, and craved her attention and lovemaking.

We had a discussion where I suggested she may have BPD traits. She had always told me that she felt empty and had been suicidal. She agreed that some of the BPD traits I listed may apply to her. However, she then told me that she had mentioned this to the counsellors in rehab and her own psychiatrist and they all agreed that she was not borderline. I told her that I thought I may have NPD traits. She told me that I had 'abandonment issues.'

I didn't mention the BPD issue again but she began to change in sobriety. She was experiencing long bouts of depression. During her drinking I asked her what the three most important things in her life were and she replied, 'My daughter, wine and my cats.' Of course I never featured. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was crazy for asking. She told me she was depressed because she couldn't drink anymore. I reminded her it made her miserable. She said sobriety was miserable. I suggested she up her quota of AA meetings.

She became more and more aloof. I forced a couple of meetings where I went to her home town and I managed to coax her out for a stolen night of passion just once more. Following this she started to disappear for a week here and a week there and I was furious when she reconnected. One of the excuses she gave was that she thought I was having an affair with somebody on Facebook. I promptly unfriended her and said the way she was treating me was a disgrace.  She wouldn't talk to me again until I apologised. I said I would apologise to her if she apologised for her accusation. I knew enough about BPD by now to know she would never apologise, I also knew if I wanted to see her again not to force the issue. However, the writing was on the wall and I was at the end of my tether with the whole relationship. I had always told her she was the love of my life and had always pursued her doggedly. Now I told her that I no longer had the energy to pursue her without getting love in return. Her year of drinking and all that abuse had affected me profoundly and I was emotionally exhausted. As ever, when I talked about my emotions, it was met with silence. Over the years I had written her long heartrending emails, she never once replied. During her drinking year I sent her a beautiful poem I had written outlining my pain, but telling her how much I loved her, she sent me back an angry email saying, 'These are your issues not mine!'

Over the years her lack of empathy had not really registered with me because I had always believed what she had told me about not wanting to communicate too much via email or text, in case her husband found out. She also told me that she hated public displays of affection or PDA as she called it. But now, her lack of empathy was becoming all too clear. I had a couple of health issues which she dismissed when i told her about them with the words, 'You always worry about your health.' Years ago, I did used to have alot of anxiety around my health, but I was very careful never to mention these fears to her. I figured a poorly man was not an attractive proposition to such a vulnerable woman. So I knew I had not hardly mentioned my health to her. So her response was either 'gaslighting' ie anything to do with me simply takes the attention away from her needs so she denies its existence. Or she had indeed picked up on my health anxieties and out of annoyance at being denied attention, attacks me at my weak point. Either way it was for the same reason, she was never interested in my emotional needs.

The finale came when she disappeared for 6 days again and told me that her husband had found out about us. Apparently he had downloaded our messages when she had changed her phone. I wasn't sure if this was possible and I wasn't sure if I believed her. She told me now we could no longer text and had to communicate via WhatsApp. At this point she had gone on a cruise with her mother and she kept in contact with me during this time (probably out of boredom) but as soon as she returned home she went aloof again. I quizzed her about what her husband knew and she said she wasn't sure as he wasn't really talking to her. She reassured me though that he didn't know it was me. I was confused by this because if he had downloaded all of our messages then surely he had my number. She told me my number wasn't visible. By this point I didn't believe anything she said. She then told me that we couldn't meet for a while as he was watching her every move.

When we were originally in contact years ago, she said that her husband had found out that she slept with me. I can't remember the exact details of the previous time, but I thought if history was repeating itself, I would surely be the prime suspect... .unless, I wasn't the only man in her life... .

The end came suddenly. I had texted her one Saturday morning and she didn't reply until the evening announcing she 'had been in the garden all day.' Her aloofness on Sundays had always been a bone of contention and on this Sunday I told her that I was sick of never hearing from her. She told me that I never contacted her, then did her usual thing declaring she was off to bed, denying me the right to reply. I told her that the relationship was over. I once again cut her off Facebook and WhatsApp. This time there was no attempt by her to contact me. It has been a month now.

I originally posted this long-winded email because I was not totally clear in my mind that the lady in question is indeed borderline. But having recounted the litany of neediness and abuse, push and pull and the chaos and madness of it all, there seems to be little doubt. Since reading all of the articles on BPD and NPD it has changed the way I feel towards her. I am not angry with her anymore because it is a personality disorder and is not personal to me. I am sure she has done this dance many times over. I tell myself that she is emotionally stunted at the age of 3 and is not capable of feeling love. Empathy is something that develops much later than 3 years old. The only way to change this is to engage in intense therapy.

It is my hope that one day she will be able to examine her own behaviour. However, I know from reading articles that this is highly unlikely with a borderline.

As for myself, the terrible day to day depression is lifting. The yearning for her is still there but with a little less intensity than a month ago. I don't look at my phone every five seconds willing her to text. While I accept I may have NPD traits, one area I don't fit the profile is empathy. I know what it is to love and care for another human being and put their concerns above my own. I am not always good at it but empathy is not absent from my personality.

Regarding my borderline ex, I find myself truly hoping that she is able to do some work on herself and find some peace of mind. Today I had a terrible yearning to be with her, to kiss her and to make love to her. But the price I have to pay is too high. I also think that she was distancing herself from me and perhaps planning to break off with me. I have a feeling she may have met somebody else as towards the end she sounded even more distant than usual when we spoke. I will never know for sure.

Shortly after breaking up, I wrote her an email outlining the nature of BPD and NPD and viewed our relationship in those terms. I cited the lack of empathy but told her I choose to believe that she loved me, as far as she is capable of loving anybody. Needless to say she has not replied, but then I didn't expect her to. Perhaps laying out the nature of a person's disorder isn't the wisest thing to do, but I had to do it for myself so that she can no longer play me for a fool.

[RomanticFool]

I finished the relationship with my BPD married lover a month ago. I had been seeing her off and on for over 14 years. We first met on a dating site when I was single and she told me she was single too. I took a train travelling over 100 miles to meet her in a pub (mainly because she was beautiful and fashionable in a way that appealed to my punk rock sensibilites). It is not an exaggeration to say that I fell for her instantly. Then of course she told me she was married. I was annoyed but too late, I was already hooked. We went to a hotel, made love, and then she invited me to come back to her house to meet her husband. I said that was a terrible idea. What I didn't know at the time was that she was already in the throes of a serious drinking problem. As indeed was I.

Not long after this meeting I stopped drinking and she decided to follow suit. We would meet for a pizza or to make love. Always at my behest. She suffered from severe depression for which she was on medication. She told me at the time that she wanted a man who would put her on a pedestal. I didn't know about BPD then and so I was confused. Every time after meeting, she would withdraw and go distant. Since our only form of contact was texting this made me rage and I would give her a tongue lashing as I felt intense pain and emptiness after such wonderful times with her. From very early on in our relationship she characterised me as an angry man. I told her that my anger towards her was only due to frustration at her behaviour. But she used this perceived aggression as a stick to beat me with all through our relationship. I was always very loving when we met and so the words 'abuse' and 'aggression' rankled me deeply.

I eventually met somebody else but my borderline continued to want to see me. We did this dance for a while but in the end I couldn't take it anymore and stuck with my new girlfriend. The borderline kept in contact and we continued a torturous relationship with me constantly upset at her hot cold behaviour and her continuing to withdraw. My new girlfriend lived about 50 miles North of where the borderline lived and every time I drove past her turning on the motorway I would text her, hoping she would say, 'swing by' - of course she never did. The borderline's husband contracted cancer and she thought he might die. I stayed in contact to be of some support but one night I said something about her husband that upset her (this was an online argument) and she ceased contact with me. This was deeply distressing at that time as I was deeply in love with her (that's what it felt like anyway).

Fast forward many years and I was now married. Sadly my relationship was not sexual and I got married because my wife is a wonderful person and I wanted companionship. Six months into my marriage, just as I was contemplating a celibate life and feeling uneasy about it, the borderline got back in contact. I assumed her husband had died and so I met up with her.

I showed her photos of my wedding and she looked happy for me. She seemed to be a very different person from the reluctant hot and cold person I knew. She was also as beautiful as ever. This meeting was a far cry from the torturous meetings we used to have and I thought she must have been happier in her life since her husband passed. I then gently broached the subject of her husband, not wanting to upset her, and she told me he was still alive.

Now I would like to say that I ran out of the coffee shop and ceased all contact. But I did the absolute opposite. I pursued her like an addict. She came to London and we were due to meet in her hotel but she got cold feet as she said she was worried her husband might come to London to find her. She told me that he was very suspicious and controlling.

(A little background here: My borderline and her husband work together from home and she is in his sight 24/7 and she felt claustrophobic and smothered. She admitted to past trangressions (during her drinking days) that made him suspicious of her. She told me he was autistic and never kissed her. She also said he never talks to her). 

We went out to dinner and somebody recognised me (I have a job that puts me in the public eye). She looked very put out and when I asked her what the problem was she told me, 'I want to be the centre of attention.' I couldn't quite believe she had said that but I let it go.

As I write this I am now completely aware of how crazy I was to pursue this relationship and worse still, hang on to the idea that not only was my borderline the love of my life, but that one day we would be together. To be fair to her, she never once suggested this would happen and since she has children, she never expressed any desire to change her living circumstances. In fact when I brought up the subject she dismissed it out of hand. She also told me around this time that she wouldn't care if she never had sex again. I was devastated at those words and then she added. 'I didn't mean with you.' I was very confused.

Nevertheless, we carried on an affair and during these two years she was both wonderful and awful. Our lovemaking was incredible, though she was never adventurous. She did what I wanted to as often as I wanted, during our meets. Though outside of these meetings she was never forthcoming about sex nor complimentary to me in any way. Prompted by my passionate declarations of love she would text, 'I love you too' or 'I miss you.' That was as close as we ever got to intimacy outside of our meetings. However, when we did meet, she seemed to be everything I could ever want: Beautiful and willing and even though I had my doubts as to whether she actually enjoyed sex or even me kissing her (which she had told me she wanted), for me it was Nirvana. We always had wonderful times when we met, though sometimes I did  try to hold her to account for her behaviour towards me outside of our meetings. She would always break down in tears and say that I was a bully for constantly highlighting her shortcomings. I was as contented as it was possible to be in this situation though (which looking back was not really content at all) as I was getting the love I needed along with intimacy. However, it always left me wanting more.

After about two years of infrequent meetings she suddenly began to drink again. There was a death in her family and that triggered a relapse after many years sobriety. She became abusive and I stopped seeing her. I then got a year of abuse from her which culminated in her telling me that I was 'dead to her.' During this time she became obsessed with knowing what I was doing on Facebook and talked alot about my wife, saying that my wife was better for me and that she was nothing but a terrible, ugly person (despite being beautiful, my borderline always hated how she looked and often insisted on turning the lights off during sex). One day she rang me in tears and said she needed help. I had been in AA for many years and offered to help. Despite this, she still didn't get sober. A further torturous period followed and I finally cut her off completely. During this time I had to have counselling for depression. I told my poor wife that I was depressed about work issues. I contemplated telling my wife the truth but reasoned it would only hurt her and since we weren't having sex what was the harm? Morally reprehensible I know, but I was a lost soul. Eventually my borderline emailed me to say she was going to rehab.

I let her back into my life and we started the whole dance over again. I was initially cool on her because she let it slip that during her drinking, when she had texted me from a gig, she had been with another man. She swore he was much older and they were just friends. I didn't believe her but I put it down to her drinking. I forgave her and let it go. There was a brief honeymoon period where we met a few times and went dancing together. This reconfirmed all of my romantic notions of her and once again I was deeply in love. If anything I was in even more trouble now as I felt the year of abuse had made me even more needy of her love and attention... .

... .And then, of course, her aloofness started again. This time I called her out on it and she repeated her fallback position that I was an angry and aggressive man. She also told me that she was 'not going to jump through my hoops.' It was at this point that I read some articles online about BPD. Specifically what happens when a BPD meets a Narcissist. I felt this article explained exactly the way our relationship had gone over the years but with some differences. My borderline totally missed out the bit where she made me feel special. I feel that I may be on the NPD spectrum, if there is such a thing, and craved her attention and lovemaking.

We had a discussion where I suggested she may have BPD traits. She had always told me that she felt empty and had been suicidal. She agreed that some of the BPD traits I listed may apply to her. However, she then told me that she had mentioned this to the counsellors in rehab and her own psychiatrist and they all agreed that she was not borderline. I told her that I thought I may have NPD traits. She told me that I had 'abandonment issues.'

I didn't mention the BPD issue again but she began to change in sobriety. She was experiencing long bouts of depression. During her drinking I asked her what the three most important things in her life were and she replied, 'My daughter, wine and my cats.' Of course I never featured. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was crazy for asking. She told me she was depressed because she couldn't drink anymore. I reminded her it made her miserable. She said sobriety was miserable. I suggested she up her quota of AA meetings.

She became more and more aloof. I forced a couple of meetings where I went to her home town and I managed to coax her out for a stolen night of passion just once more. Following this she started to disappear for a week here and a week there and I was furious when she reconnected. One of the excuses she gave was that she thought I was having an affair with somebody on Facebook. I promptly unfriended her and said the way she was treating me was a disgrace.  She wouldn't talk to me again until I apologised. I said I would apologise to her if she apologised for her accusation. I knew enough about BPD by now to know she would never apologise, I also knew if I wanted to see her again not to force the issue. However, the writing was on the wall and I was at the end of my tether with the whole relationship. I had always told her she was the love of my life and had always pursued her doggedly. Now I told her that I no longer had the energy to pursue her without getting love in return. Her year of drinking and all that abuse had affected me profoundly and I was emotionally exhausted. As ever, when I talked about my emotions, it was met with silence. Over the years I had written her long heartrending emails, she never once replied. During her drinking year I sent her a beautiful poem I had written outlining my pain, but telling her how much I loved her, she sent me back an angry email saying, 'These are your issues not mine!'

Over the years her lack of empathy had not really registered with me because I had always believed what she had told me about not wanting to communicate too much via email or text, in case her husband found out. She also told me that she hated public displays of affection or PDA as she called it. But now, her lack of empathy was becoming all too clear. I had a couple of health issues which she dismissed when i told her about them with the words, 'You always worry about your health.' Years ago, I did used to have alot of anxiety around my health, but I was very careful never to mention these fears to her. I figured a poorly man was not an attractive proposition to such a vulnerable woman. So I knew I had not hardly mentioned my health to her. So her response was either 'gaslighting' ie anything to do with me simply takes the attention away from her needs so she denies its existence. Or she had indeed picked up on my health anxieties and out of annoyance at being denied attention, attacks me at my weak point. Either way it was for the same reason, she was never interested in my emotional needs.

The finale came when she disappeared for 6 days again and told me that her husband had found out about us. Apparently he had downloaded our messages when she had changed her phone. I wasn't sure if this was possible and I wasn't sure if I believed her. She told me now we could no longer text and had to communicate via WhatsApp. At this point she had gone on a cruise with her mother and she kept in contact with me during this time (probably out of boredom) but as soon as she returned home she went aloof again. I quizzed her about what her husband knew and she said she wasn't sure as he wasn't really talking to her. She reassured me though that he didn't know it was me. I was confused by this because if he had downloaded all of our messages then surely he had my number. She told me my number wasn't visible. By this point I didn't believe anything she said. She then told me that we couldn't meet for a while as he was watching her every move.

When we were originally in contact years ago, she said that her husband had found out that she slept with me. I can't remember the exact details of the previous time, but I thought if history was repeating itself, I would surely be the prime suspect... .unless, I wasn't the only man in her life... .

The end came suddenly. I had texted her one Saturday morning and she didn't reply until the evening announcing she 'had been in the garden all day.' Her aloofness on Sundays had always been a bone of contention and on this Sunday I told her that I was sick of never hearing from her. She told me that I never contacted her, then did her usual thing declaring she was off to bed, denying me the right to reply. I told her that the relationship was over. I once again cut her off Facebook and WhatsApp. This time there was no attempt by her to contact me. It has been a month now.

I originally posted this long-winded email because I was not totally clear in my mind that the lady in question is indeed borderline. But having recounted the litany of neediness and abuse, push and pull and the chaos and madness of it all, there seems to be little doubt. Since reading all of the articles on BPD and NPD it has changed the way I feel towards her. I am not angry with her anymore because it is a personality disorder and is not personal to me. I am sure she has done this dance many times over. I tell myself that she is emotionally stunted at the age of 3 and is not capable of feeling love. Empathy is something that develops much later than 3 years old. The only way to change this is to engage in intense therapy.

It is my hope that one day she will be able to examine her own behaviour. However, I know from reading articles that this is highly unlikely with a borderline.

As for myself, the terrible day to day depression is lifting. The yearning for her is still there but with a little less intensity than a month ago. I don't look at my phone every five seconds willing her to text. While I accept I may have NPD traits, one area I don't fit the profile is empathy. I know what it is to love and care for another human being and put their concerns above my own. I am not always good at it but empathy is not absent from my personality.

Regarding my borderline ex, I find myself truly hoping that she is able to do some work on herself and find some peace of mind. Today I had a terrible yearning to be with her, to kiss her and to make love to her. But the price I have to pay is too high. I also think that she was distancing herself from me and perhaps planning to break off with me. I have a feeling she may have met somebody else as towards the end she sounded even more distant than usual when we spoke. I will never know for sure.

Shortly after breaking up, I wrote her an email outlining the nature of BPD and NPD and viewed our relationship in those terms. I cited the lack of empathy but told her I choose to believe that she loved me, as far as she is capable of loving anybody. Needless to say she has not replied, but then I didn't expect her to. Perhaps laying out the nature of a person's disorder isn't the wisest thing to do, but I had to do it for myself so that she can no longer play me for a fool.

[Skip]

Long term, two-way affair... .

RomanticFool, we've had more members that you might imagine get into this situation.

These are adjunct relationships. Each of you got "steak" in your respective marriages, and you both got sizzle in the affair.

There is lots to talk about here, but does that sound right?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Skip,

Thanks for the reply.

To be honest it feels like my BPD was the steak because I don't have a sex life with my wife. The reason I hung in there so long was that she was essentially my sexual dream woman. She was an ex model (albeit of advanced years) and had work done on her physical appearance which knocked 10 years off her. The attraction unfortunately didn't end at the physical, I was very interested in her as a person and particularly her artistry (she was a fashion designer and we went to alot of galleries). When we first got together she told me she didn't like going to the movies, which is one of my favourite things to do. However, when she sobered up, we went to see quite a few films together. I remember feeling surprised and pleased that she was making the effort. I wondered if she was doing it as some kind of amends. Had the relationship carried on in that vein, I'd probably still be with her.

However, there were just too many negatives, some of which were due to her being married and some due to what I perceive to be her personality disorder. I say perceived because she has never been diagnosed with BPD. A good example was around her birthday. I was working away from home for several weeks and it would have been easy for me to see her. She told me before I went away that she would do her utmost to get to see me. On her birthday, I had already been away for several weeks and she hadn't come over yet. I wished her a happy birthday and wrote her a poem. She proceeded to complain that her husband wasn't doing anything for her birthday. I offered to drive to her home town to meet her. No thank yous or anything. I got a text saying she was going out to a restaurant with the husband. I was extremely hurt. I then heard nothing from her for three days. I was in pieces. Finally I got a text saying she would always be there for me if I wanted her. I asked her where she had been and she said her daughter had taken her away to the next town over from where I was staying, for her birthday (a 3 day pampering session). When I cast doubt over her reasons she asked if I wanted to see the photos. I declined but photos did appear on her FB page with her daughter and so I think it was a genuine excuse. She just chickened out of telling me because it was easier not to. She knew I would be furious. I almost ended the relationship there and then but her cruel behaviour had made me more needy.

This is just one example of the kind of behaviour that would destroy my trust and make me attack her via text. This was always met with anger back or more often, total silence. On Christmas Day, when she still hadn't been to see me and by this time I was almost done working, I got a text telling me that she loved me. I took this to be little more than manipulation because she knew I was upset. Then came the final disappearances for the reasons outlined above and I  thought to stay after all that had happened would just be undignified.

So I am left missing her, feeling empty in my marriage with no fantasy world to escape to. My borderline was my everything in terms of romance, lust, artistic admiration and excitement. Therefore, I can't honestly say I had steak at home. She was my champagne and caviar (in my head at least) and home was steak and kidney pudding.

It is this sense of loss that I am wrestling with now. I am also not certain that she has lied to me as she even told me about going to the gig with her male friend. I keep torturing myself with the conundrum that perhaps everything she told me was true and it is me who has the problem. But the fact of the matter is even if she hasn't lied to me, her behaviour still completely lacks empathy for my feelings. The devaluing has happened with her so many times in the form of passive aggressively ignoring me and going silent for days on end. That is not love by anybody's definition.

[RomanticFool]

I guess I should ask the question, if after reading the above, anybody thinks she isn't BPD?

[Skip]

To be honest it feels like my BPD was the steak... .// she was essentially my sexual dream woman ... // ... .However, there were just too many negatives, some of which were due to her being married and some due to what I perceive to be her personality disorder.

You may be thinking she was the steak, but she is the sizzle. Sex is the sizzle. Its hot and beckoning. Its one thing your wife is not giving you.

Why do I say this? She never left her husband. You married another women. This speaks volumes.

I don't know the sizzle roles you played for each other... maybe you can help with that.

But she can leave her husband and you can leave your wife, and that's not even on the table.  And if you both did, the stats say you wouldn't make it as a couple. The problems you have now would be magnified. And one or both of you might stray... .

Additionally, her role in your life has diverted you from finding the right touch with your wife - that's a hard part to see. Your wife will never be a amalgamate of your who she is and your mistress, but she is a women and she can love fully.

Anyway, back to the mistress.

What roles do you fill for each other... where does it fall short (the reasons she doesn't leave her husband or you leave your wife).

You're on the Detaching Board. Are you trying to let go and move on. Or are you more inclined to want to save this (see Saving Board)?

[RomanticFool]

You may be thinking she was the steak, but she is the sizzle. Sex is the sizzle. Its hot and beckoning. Its one thing your wife is not giving you.

I've never looked at it that way before. I am in a sexless marriage so it felt wonderful to be doing it with such a beautiful and sexy woman. I felt fulfilled.

Why do I say this? She never left her husband. You married another women. This speaks volumes.

I told her many times that I would leave my wife for her. She told me that we lived too far away from each other and she wouldn't want to hurt her family. She has a son who lives at home and is probably BPD himself along with severe addiction issues.

I don't know the sizzle roles you played for each other... maybe you can help with that.

I think I was her narcissistic supply. The minute I demanded my emotional needs be fulfilled she would turn hostile. For me, she was my romantic/lustful Nirvana.

But she can leave her husband and you can leave your wife, and that's not even on the table.  And if you both did, the stats say you wouldn't make it as a couple. The problems you have now would be magnified. And one or both of you might stray... .

Had she ever decided to make a commitment to me I know I would have given the relationship a good shot. However, had she cheated on me I would have walked out immediately, as my own abandonment issues would not allow me to stay and I would not have allowed her to make a fool out out me. You are dead right about the problems being magnified. She would never have given my emotional life credence, she just wasn't interested in me in that way. Everything I ever read on BPD says that they never deliver on promises of romance and sex and once you are married the BPD loses interest. So, yes, there would have been enormous problems. Except we are both in AA and I would have done my utmost to encourage her to examine her behaviour and to get therapy. I think we know how that would have played out.

Additionally, her role in your life has diverted you from finding the right touch with your wife - that's a hard part to see. Your wife will never be a amalgamate of your who she is and your mistress, but she is a women and she can love fully.

This is true, except my wife has intimacy issues inherited from her mother and is a sexual anorexic. While she is very intelligent, I don't take the interest in much of what she does in the way that I tried to with my borderline. Of course the borderline was guarded and secretive over much of what she told me but I found her physically and creatively intoxicating.

Anyway, back to the mistress.

What roles do you fill for each other... where does it fall short (the reasons she doesn't leave her husband or you leave your wife).

As I said above, I was her narcissistic supply and she was my sexual and creative Nirvana. At least she unlocked that passion in me. My history tells me that I can fall this hard for women, but the big loves only come along once every 10 years.

You're on the Detaching Board. Are you trying to let go and move on. Or are you more inclined to want to save this (see Saving Board)?

Yes, the relationship is over. I thought long and hard before pulling the trigger because I felt that once I ended it with the borderline, I'd have to address my marriage and the chances are I'll end up alone. I don't want to hurt my wife. I owe it to her to give the marriage a chance. Despite all of my salutations regarding the BPDex, the pain is fresh in my mind and I try not to have abuse amnesia. As much as I miss her I don't want to go back to feeling foolish and manipulated. Time heals everything.