Co-parenting BPD step-son during separation from his BPD father

[Jillian1231]

I am discovering that not only does my ex demonstrate most BPD traits (high-functioning), but his 17 year old son has been struggling for some time with mental health concerns and identified with many BPD traits (low functioning) via recent communications.  This is extremely validating of the crisis and chaos that often existed in our home.  I found myself spinning until the point of emotional exhaustion, with almost no productivity and increased interest/use of alcohol on a daily basis while living with them.  Most of the time my ex took the backseat relative to his son's mental health care and I found myself feeling trapped and consumed, juggling the dynamics between the two of them and providing emotional support and care.   

I have been out of the house now for 6 months and no different than anyone else, trying to pick up the pieces of my life in an attempt to move forward, while very much loving my Ex and his son from the sidelines.  This space and time has allowed me to seek my own care/intervention and engage in self-study that has led me here, finally naming the complicated relational issues we were experiencing.  It is a tremendous relief for me.  We all have been in therapy together since the beginning of our relationship and our therapist has been clueless to the underpinnings of our turmoil and stress.  Not to mention in typical fashion my Ex refused to engage in therapy 18 mos into our relationship as conflict began to increase and escalate.

His son and I are close and bonded as a co-parent/step-child.  He often tells me he is my son and I have been unconditional in my love, support and encouragement of him.  I have been in his life for 2.5 years and during this time he has had very limited contact with his mother due to trust and treatment issues.  I am now suspecting she is likely to have significant BPD traits as well, as I know my ex's relationship with her was quite volatile.  Although, I understand she was the aggressor in that relationship and he is the aggressor with me.  Ugh... .complicated I know!

With very limited support from his parents he reaches out to me several times a week sharing feelings of depression, suicide, self-harm, hopelessness, isolation.  Per his request, I am his emergency contact at school and his guidance counselor has reached out to me on several occasions concerned for his well-being.  I in turn advocate for him with my Ex, who responds as agitated, dismissive and minimizing... .now I know why.  He is limited by his own blindspots!

My family has urged me to walk away from my Ex and his family and move on with my life... .(as my goals and endeavors have taken a backseat during this time)... .advising they are no longer my problem.  I just don't feel comfortable doing that.  Broken up or not, I see them as my family and now that I have found some answers to make sense of the hurt and harm they are demonstrating how do I turn my back?

[Turkish]

The cold thing to do would be to walk away from SS17. Given what you wrote I don't think it'd be able to if I were in your shoes.  It sounds like you love this kid.  Do you?

He's almost a legal adult,  after which things become more clear,  yet they can also become more or less complicated depending upon how much you want to engage.  This is a tough place to be.  At 18, you can have your own r/s with him add an adult,  even if he's still in high school.  This is the ideal,  but his father is still in the mix and always will be.  How much of a mother figure are you willing to be to him after he is a legal adult?

[livednlearned]

I see them as my family and now that I have found some answers to make sense of the hurt and harm they are demonstrating how do I turn my back?

I can see how this would be so tough to answer, especially as you try to piece back your own life.

How do you respond when SS17 tells you how hopeless and despondent he feels?

More so than other mental illnesses, BPD demands that we have good boundaries and take care of yourselves first so we have the strength to support our BPD loved one.

For some people, that might mean a period of no contact to restore strength and get straightened out again. For others, that might mean practicing skills like validation and SET (support, empathy, truth) while asserting strong boundaries for ourselves. More like on the job training  

It really depends on what you have in you, your values and whatnot.

With my SO's D20, I have clear-cut boundaries that make sense for her particular issues and mine, including how much I am prepared to give. It's also good to have eyes wide open that you may eventually trigger intimacy issues, and SS17 could split you black as a way to cope. I know that's highly possible with D20 and am also clear for myself that I will be ok if and when that happens. D20 tends to look for surrogate mothers and then becomes so needy she burns them out and they end up blocking her. I have to prevent her neediness from wearing me out by having rock solid boundaries, expressed gently and firmly, with love, and above all with unwavering consistency.

I use skills that I learned here to put responsibility for solving D20's own problems back on her, instead of me rescuing or fixing or saving, which only perpetuates her feelings of inadequacy.