And finally, don't lose yourself doting on your sick partner. It's unattractive. Check in with them frequently and ask them if they WANT help, or a favor, or if they want company. If they say no, respect that and go do something for yourself. I never took "no" for an answer. I thought she was just letting me off the hook and I was trying to prove that I'm going to be there for her no matter what. Looking back I should have been hitting the links drinking beer every once in a while, or sailing with my family.
Things to think about
Valid points but a fine line to tread with some people. My example. During the recycle I knew I had to do things differently. I was more patient with her. I didn't force her to speak; I knew in time she would. I did things for her out of actual love instead of expecting something. She offered me sex for doing her homework. I would have jumped on that before and I told her that that's not necessary (I guess a part of me also didn't want to feel like I was buying a prostitute). I also didn't want to give up my independence I was finding during the two month split which I know would only make me a better partner overall.
She was going distant on me for a week. I texted her, obviously seeing the change, if there was anything she wanted to talk about and if I could help. One night she said "No. I don't want to talk to you!" I told her that was okay and I understand. A few days later I asked if she wanted to spend the weekend together. She said no. I said fair enough let's use this weekend for ourselves and do solo self-care. Then she changed her mind immediately. I said I would prefer we stick to the original plan because it's what she originally wanted and I didn't want her to feel pressured to spend time with me if she had other things she really wanted to do.
Next day she says "I don't want a relationship." In that case, I believe, me saying no put her back out of control and the abandonment fears probably came right back. Also, she had stopped doing self-care that whole week prior. So the depression she felt, in her eyes, had to be my fault. I had offered the olive branch of communication but she refused it. At the end of the day, she can't talk about emotions anyway but I did offer instead of taking it personal.
At the end of the day it seems like a lose-lose, at least in my situation. She loved the caretaking. She knew it was always a way to get me back. Every disagreement she would take off from work and tell me she couldn't get out of bed. Well cue the guilty rescuer who felt awful that my actions had led her to have to take off. So in I come to save her from herself and apologize and buy her things to make her feel better. Sigh... .
