I think my mother has BPD

[Olympia]

Hello,
I'm hoping to get some insight here to understand better how to deal with my mother as I have reached the point where I cannot continue the dynamic that's been there all my life. It has been affecting my partner too which is very hard to see. I believe my mother has BPD, and narcissism too. Her behaviour over the past few years has escalated and is continuing to do so. I realised tonight that I have been trying to protect her from herself, as well as myself from her rage, and it's has a massively detrimental effect on my mental and emotional health.
Thank you,
Olympia

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Olympia! 

Welcome to our online family! First let me say it takes a while lot of courage to reach the place you have. 

I have reached the point where I cannot continue the dynamic that's been there all my life. 

I think this is one of the major first steps in this journey to healing ourselves. I came to that same place a few years ago where I couldn't keep going on as I was, but I didn't know how much it was related to having an uBPDm. There is a great list on the right side which is a good place to start. Any sentence you click on will open up with more explanation. Where do you feel you are on the list? It is not necessarily linear and everyone travels at their own speed.

I realised tonight that I have been trying to protect her from herself, as well as myself from her rage, and it's has a massively detrimental effect on my mental and emotional health.

As children of a pwBPD, sadly it is entirely too common for us kids to have stepped in to this place of protecting them. It was our means to survival. I am sorry that you have experienced the same thing that so many of us here have walked through. It is quite an astute observation.  There is a wonderful book that has been so helpful to me which discusses the topic of what types of things an adult child deals with as they begin to recover. I'll post the link for you below.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Please keep posting and reading. We are an online family with members dealing with a lot of similar issues. You are not alone.

 
Wools

[Olympia]

Thanks for your reply

[Olympia]

Sorry I typed a longer reply but for some reason it didn't all post

[copingwithmom]

My mother has BPD. It truly is exhausting. Someone told me today that they feel bad for all of the pressure I have been under my whole life. While I have been told that before, the word "pressure" really came into focus today. It has been hard ( and continues to be) and it is ok to recognize that difficulty and give ourselves some credit (and rest) for the energy we expend trying to cope. You will feel supported and safe with this community. It's a place to discuss where others can truly empathize. I hope you can find peace.

[Olympia]

Hi,
You're so right about pressure.  That's one of the things most people outside of the situation don't seem to understand, and yes, how much that drains your energy.  I feel at the moment like I am joining so many dots together in my head about her behaviour over the years and my reactions, it's quite overwhelming but important to do.  Thank you for your kind words, I am sorry you have had to go through this too 
Olympia

[Olympia]

Hi Wools - Will try and write my proper reply again!  I don't think it liked it from my phone.

I think I am somewhere among the first few steps on the list; I have been trying to make sense of all this for so long, but now I have got a pretty clear idea that my mother is uBPD/Narc it's all falling into place.  I've read through them and they seem like a good framework to work from.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will definitely check that out.

Right now I am in a familiar place of attempting to put a boundary in, and am just waiting to see in what way(s) that will be violated.  Normally in the past it follows a pretty clear pattern, so I am currently having to watch out the window of my own home all the time to see if she is turning up to yell at me.  If I am honest I am still scared of her so this is quite uncomfortable.  I really, really need her to leave me alone for a while!  My partner agrees as her recent actions have affected him too, in various ways.  We have other stresses too and just want peace!

Thanks again,

Olympia