I feel like I need a crash course...

[guayaba]

My apologies in advance for the long story, but I feel it provides necessary background information. Let me also say that my (ex) significant other has not been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but according to herself she did have at least one depression and suffered from a gastritis as a consequence before she knew me. I also recognize quite a few traits of BPD in her behavior, which is what triggered me to seek advice here. In short, four weeks before our intended marriage my fiancee expressed her worries about the marriage and not much later she broke up with me. However, there was something in the way she did that made me look for signs of a personality disorder, like mixed signals ("you're perfect for me but I quit" and as otherwise we were always happy to be together. I cannot see the logic behind the breakup.

I will try and give an excerpt: we have been in a long-distance relationship for 6 years. I am European, she is from Latin America. We both have PhDs and are in academia, in physics and engineering, so usually we like to take the rational approach. During the first 3 years, she was pessimistic and jealous at times, but we managed. I also noticed that she could be selfish, but it never was so extreme that it bothered me too much. Outside of those times, we were great together. We both dreamt of a family together but there were work-related and serious financial hurdles in the way that prevented that from happening. She told me she could be happy anywhere, as long as she could start her family. It was that dream that kept us together, and we both put a serious effort into staying in touch. Daily text messages, weekends reserved for Skype. Somewhere along the line, we got engaged despite not living in the same country. We had that much faith in each other.

Then a tragic event happened: her father was shot and died of the consequences. I go to her country for the funeral and help carry her father to the grave. I support her as well as I can. After the funeral, I return to my country. I go to hers again for christmas holidays and we seem to be good together. However, two months later she calls me and tells me that she will never leave her country anymore, since her mother needs her. She says that I hate her country, and therefore the conclusion must be that our relationship is done. I try to reason with her; I propose to come to her country and live there but she refuses. She is convinced I hate it. She turns cold and pulls up a wall. Stubbornness prevails.

A few months later, she suddenly contacts me. She tells me how she is enjoying a coffee on her balcony and how that triggered some good memories of us together. Her mood had changed considerably. We stay in contact and the conversation at least is friendly again. She is going to attend an event abroad that we were going to go to together. I decide to take a gamble and go anyway. I catch her by surprise, and after the initial shock wears off, we hug and kiss. That same year, I live in her country with her for a month to rekindle our love, and she comes to mine for two months. She is wearing her engagement ring again without me asking her to do so. After the stay, she tells me that she can be happy in my country. She likes the work, the people and the work/life balance. We mutually agree Europe is going to be the destination. The financial obstacle is still there though, but she can migrate within 2 years. We decide to sit it out.

After another stay in my country, she is so happy and has so much faith that she proposes to get married, now for real. We start the preparations and she is into it with heart and soul. She also brings her mother over to meet my parents. We buy her wedding dress, my suit, and rings. We design an invitation with a specially-made drawing of us on it, which she later would like to have enlarged in our home. Her whole mind is into it.

A vacancy arrives at her work in her country, which would mean a promotion and a bump in status for her. She asks me if it's OK to do that job for a year, until she migrates. I say sure, since it doesn't interfere with our plans. As the wedding day gets closer, I half-jokingly ask her whether she's sure and if I should confirm the date with the municipality. "Of course," she says.

Then, 4 weeks before the wedding, she tells me that she indeed got the job, but it's going to be for two years. She already accepted. She also isn't sure about the wedding anymore. She asks me if I can come to her country. I'm so shocked by both items that I cannot just say yes. She stills comes to my country for another stay she agreed to, as she was also supposed to work during that period. Her professional image is very important to her.

We try to talk about the situation when she arrives. She tells me that it's such a great opportunity and very good for her career, but also that she is afraid of anything happening to her mother while she isn't there. She is panicking that she might not be able to say goodbye. Furthermore, her worries are that I don't have a permanent job, I don't own a house and I don't have a car. These are requirements which are normal in her country, but they don't apply to mine. That is where I probably made the biggest mistakes handling this situation: I tried to reason with her and use logical solutions for her problems, without validating her fears. She doesn't accept any solution as remotely possible, or twists my words such that they are interpreted in the most negative way possible. She moves out of my place.

For the rest of her stay she lives on her own. I try to stay in contact but at some point she tells me she is going to go out with her own friends (but she doesn't have any outside of our mutual ones). Radio silence follows for two weeks, after which I buy her a small present for a national holiday. I leave it in her office. It makes her cry and she is happy with it. She hugs me until we are interrupted. Since that time we see each other a bit more often again, and she agrees to dinner for Christmas. We have a time that is best described as a laugh and a tear, and after walking her home she admits that she is so afraid of the future together, but that I'm perfect for her. A week later on new year's eve, we go shopping together and we have lunch. It is a good time, "as always" she tells me. I prepare to surprise her for the evening with some games to play and some snacks, such that she isn't alone for the evening, but she turns me away. She tells me she loves me and I'm perfect for her; she can't get any better man in her home country but she quits the relationship. A week later she returns to her home country. We don't talk anymore.

To my surprise, her own brother and sister (out of 5) take my side, in the sense that they don't understand. To them, she is selfish, impulsive and stubborn. She just wants to be in the spotlight and gain status. Moreover, she can't handle critique on her actions. Furthermore, the new position isn't what she hoped it would be. It's much more stressful than expected and she worries for her health. The hours she makes are crazy, but she rather gets ill than give up.

So here I am, three months later, in her home country. I intend to talk to her at least one more time. Either for closure for me, or perhaps for a future together. I hope for the latter and I am ready to move to her country if that would be the solution, but I also am having in mind that she didn't show dependable behavior over the years and that without treatment it can happen again. However, before treatment happens, if ever, we would need to heal the relationship.

Now my question: how do I go about approaching her? I have, by chance, been validating her worries and feelings about many events that bothered her in her life as long as they didn't affect us as a couple, but I tend to try logic and reasoning when it is about us. I never have validated her worries in the time around our wedding day. I can now see that that was wrong, but I would like to have advice what could be the best approach. I feel I only have a single chance. I'm here for another week, so it could be a simple short meeting at first and then leave it to her to talk about it if she wants, or... .? I feel like I need a crash course dealing with a person with BPD traits.

Any advice is welcome, thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[guayaba]

I intend to meet her tomorrow. If anyone has any last-minute advice I would appreciate it. I guess no ultimatums, validating feelings of fear (but not the fear itself), stay calm and detached, ... .?

[guayaba]

Well, I tried. I tried to be empathic to her worries and fears, told her I understood how frustrating it must have been not hearing the answers she was hoping for. But she is with someone else now, and her answer is no. I'm going to let it rest now and move on. I feel good about myself having tried everything and having conquered my own fears.

[Mutt]

Hi guayaba,  



I'm sorry to hear and my apologies for the late response. You have the right idea with validation, I takes practice to get it right, it's reading bewtwen the lines, what people don't 't say, it's visualizing how it would feel to be in their shoes, and verbalize how they feel. Everyone wants to be heard but it's crucial when it is a highly sensitive person. I don't understand, how long has she been in this new r/s? It sounds like your conscientious and you tried but don't be hard on yourself, the r/s takes two people, just take your share and don't take hers, that being said, is he a PhD too? Is he a work friend?

[guayaba]

Thank you for replying Mutt!

I don't understand, how long has she been in this new r/s? It sounds like your conscientious and you tried but don't be hard on yourself, the r/s takes two people, just take your share and don't take hers, that being said, is he a PhD too? Is he a work friend?

This new r/s has to be only a few weeks at best. I lost track of her after she returned to her home country last January, and this April she informed me that she would start dating this guy. When I looked her up however, she restated that as "I'm with someone else now".

The strange thing is that she always told me what her type was (me, essentially); kaukasian, bright eyes; well-educated (don't mean the bragg, her words); trustworthy. This new guy does not have a PhD, is according to her not attractive and has a child with another woman. Normally she would steer clear from guys with children... .They were introduced to each other by her elder sister after she returned "because she needed a new man". This sister actually put horror stories in her head about what could go wrong if my ex SO would choose me. I think she was vulnerable and her sister gave at least a push away from me.

[Mutt]

Hi guayaba,

Are you finished with the r/s?

[guayaba]

Well, she is done with the r/s. I honestly would have given it a last chance since I feel I know better now what is going on with her. But I don't see a way back to her, and therefore feel that I must move on, however sad it makes me feel.

[Mutt]

Hi guayaba,

It sounds like a rebound r/s, generally they have more chances of failing then succeeding, it's not to say that they never succeed, it could turn out to be a long term r/s, my point is we don't know for sure that there is no way back.  

therefore feel that I must move on

You could also take this time to self reflect, learn r/s tools that you could apply with her should that happen or you can apply that in different r/s in life, generally moving on would suggest that you're applying the same habits and not learning new strategies because you're keeping yourself distracted.

[guayaba]

Well, with moving on I mean to say that now I'm going to get professional counseling to deal with the loss of my life's hopes and dreams. I am going to live my life expecting her not to come back (she's stubborn). In the mean time I will keep my eyes open for nice persons that could make me happy. Should she regret her decision and I'm not spoken for, we can see what happens. Indeed the tools described here are valuable for any relationship, and can be put to use in everyday life regardless having to deal with a problematic r/s.

I have been distracting myself for the past 3 months since she left my country, and now during this trip by myself in her country, I feel for the first time in months that I'm not just taking my mind off of things, but that I am actually enjoying.

(Off topic: is there some notification setting somewhere that tells you a new message has been posted in a thread?)

[Mutt]

It sounds like you have that figured out  

(Off topic: is there some notification setting somewhere that tells you a new message has been posted in a thread?)

Click on your forum name on your posts and on the left side of the screen, just under the second paragraph ( modify profile ) there is a link that says notifications and email, you can toggle on / off notifications for posts

[guayaba]

Thanks, found it!

[guayaba]

Btw, immediately after the confrontation, she started to write me that it was not a good idea to go there, and provided me with all sorts of advice on how to handle myself in her city. I just replied that I had to do it for myself and that I thanked her for her time.

As a response, she wrote me that I could have known the answer, should have known the reply, and could have avoided the situation (= meet her near her office; she was more worried about what colleagues might think than anything else). I didn't reply anymore. Should I have?

She changed her whatsapp status picture to a picture of them two the same day. In all these years we have been together, she never put a picture of us in her status, so I see it as a retaliation. I haven't responded to it. I guess that is best?

[guayaba]

So here's an update. I had lunch with a colleague of hers who was as surprised as me that she cancelled the wedding. He knows us as a couple for many years and told me she was enthusiastically talking about the wedding for months. He is almost as disappointed as I am. Now, I talked to him the next day and he told me he had shared the fact that he'd have lunch with me with her. After our lunch, she called him to know how things went. my hopes flared up again. Also, her brother told me that she got into a fight with the new guy as she told him I had appeared. He asked her whether or not she still had feelings for me and she had answered "I don't know". Then, the new guy insisted she would change her WhatsApp picture to one of them together and she yielded to prevent escalation.

I wrote her an email from the plane back home that I didn't mean to make her angry and understood that I might feel the same way if it were me. I also wrote that I would let her go now and not bother her any further. I didn't get a reaction.

Obviously, my no contact idea is not driven from resentment but also not because I'm over her.
 I'm a few weeks further and still struggling. I have reached out and found professional help, but even two intake sessions haven't been sufficient for me to tell our story and how I feel. Im going to continue of course, but I still think of her every day and every night. I deleted her phone number so I don't need to see that wretched picture but it doesn't help me getting her off my mind. I read about someone who stated on the forums here that Skype relations are the best for pwBPD as they are less threatening, which is exactly what we had for many years.  And that a marriage would  awaken the abandonment fears, which is also the point where everything went wrong for me. Is there any truth in this?

Either way, still struggling... .So far I'm comparing every potential partner to her, and none of them match how I feel about her.