self sabotage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, all,
Apparently I'm not a quick learner.  Broke up with diagnosed BPD/NPDbf in December, have not been charmed back although he's trying hard.  He hasn't found a replacement to my knowledge, and I certainly have no ability or even desire to date right now.  My question is twofold... .one, is it normal for recovery to be so non-linear?  I have read that it is, but after talking to him or seeing him (which I have done like 3 times, no sex, just conversation to "soothe" him) I am back to square one each time.  I cry constantly, can't focus on anything, second guess everything I have done, and it takes a week to normalize again.  I know this means I'm not detaching well.  What can I do to speed that up that is still kind to him?  He is constantly begging, pleading and sobbing to get me to come back and give him a "fair chance" (like ripping my life up for 8 years wasn't fair).

Also, and I hope it's okay to ask here... .what do people think about the idea of utilizing medication to take the "edge" off of depression so that I can more seriously have the motivation to change my life after this 8 year roller coaster ride?  My T is all for it (I've been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression) and thinks it will help me "care less" about the emotions this situation evokes in me, making it easier to deal.  Does anyone have any experience with this?  And if this isn't the right place to ask that question, might I be directed to the proper place?

Thank you!

[chillamom]

Hello, all,
Apparently I'm not a quick learner.  Broke up with diagnosed BPD/NPDbf in December, have not been charmed back although he's trying hard.  He hasn't found a replacement to my knowledge, and I certainly have no ability or even desire to date right now.  My question is twofold... .one, is it normal for recovery to be so non-linear?  I have read that it is, but after talking to him or seeing him (which I have done like 3 times, no sex, just conversation to "soothe" him) I am back to square one each time.  I cry constantly, can't focus on anything, second guess everything I have done, and it takes a week to normalize again.  I know this means I'm not detaching well.  What can I do to speed that up that is still kind to him?  He is constantly begging, pleading and sobbing to get me to come back and give him a "fair chance" (like ripping my life up for 8 years wasn't fair).

Also, and I hope it's okay to ask here... .what do people think about the idea of utilizing medication to take the "edge" off of depression so that I can more seriously have the motivation to change my life after this 8 year roller coaster ride?  My T is all for it (I've been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression) and thinks it will help me "care less" about the emotions this situation evokes in me, making it easier to deal.  Does anyone have any experience with this?  And if this isn't the right place to ask that question, might I be directed to the proper place?

Thank you!

[happendtome]

Hi,
I answered about the medication in another thread and my short answer is that its ok. But with medication, i have heard that to each have its own. I was lucky, but other than that i know nothing.
But the other issue. You really have to break the contact. Theres no other way you could heal if you keep having contact with him. Of course, for us, here in this board, have difficulties to see what exactly is going on, but i would say that all contacts will bring us back to starting level.
Excuse my english, its not my mother tongue, but i hope you understand what im trying to say

[chillamom]

Thank you, happenedtome, I understand you loud and clear.  Breaking contact has always been my central issue in breakups with him (I'm ashamed to admit there were several, the longest being 6 months after which he finally got me back in).  In a way, I can't blame him because he knows that persistence = success.  It is not in my nature to be cruel, so breaking off all contact has been hard, even though intellectually I know it is NOT cruel but actually kind to me.  And I did see your comment on L's thread about anti-depressants, and like you, I think a short course might be a good idea.  I'm willing to give it a try - what's the worse that happens?  They don't help and I stop taking them, so I think it might be a solution.  Thank you for your feedback!

[happendtome]

Its a long road, but dont give up, Chillamom. Im also in no contact and there are times i have wanted to break this contact, but then i have asked myself what would it give to me. So simple question. And since i dont get any good answer from myself i stay in no contact. Yes, i also wonder "what if-s", but really... .no good comes from that.
No, thats not what life is about. I cant help people who lie, i dont care whats their issue, im not there for liars.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chillamom, recovery for me is all over the place and is definitely not linear. I like to equate it with Kubler Ross's five stages of grief and I find myself going back and forth between the different stages. Same with the Lessons on the right --->, back and forth, but there’s progress. I suspect you end up back to square one because of the FOG that arises each time you talk to him. It happens to me too, but I recover much more quickly these days. Hours now, not days. That’s because I made a promise to myself last December, on the conflicted board. I made the decision to go no contact for at least four weeks. I followed the advice given and gave myself the gift of time and space. I promise Chill if you do this you’ll feel stronger and clearer, the FOG will lift.

In many ways, I think it must be harder for you. Your ex hasn’t got a replacement. Mine has, probably several by now, so it’s easier for me to keep my distance. I’d refuse to be triangulated with someone. Also, yours begs and pleads. Mine tends to devalue mostly, again making it easier to resist. I too, would find it incredibly difficult turning away from someone pleading and begging, but you need to put yourself first. It’s hard when you are a rescuer, a carer by nature, but what’s going to happen if you don’t? Don’t be like me Chill. I ended up losing my career. It all got too much to cope with. Like you, I couldn’t focus on anything. I began to cry constantly, that’s what Larmoyant means, 'tearful'.

I know it’s difficult, but consider giving yourself the gift of time and space Chill. I’m not completely detached yet, but it was the best, most productive thing I’ve done so far. When/if they come back you regain balance much more quickly. The emotions are in check and it feels so much better.

  It is not in my nature to be cruel, so breaking off all contact has been hard, even though intellectually I know it is NOT cruel but actually kind to me. 

How about if you tell him that you need to take a time-out, say a month to get your thoughts in order? it doesn't have to be forever, but it will give you much needed space to make that decision? Are you concerned he may hurt himself?

[bestintentions]

Chillamom:

I can only speak for myself, but with the prodding from my psychologist friend I got on Lexapro.  As I never had any history with depression, I was hesitant to get on something for fear my personality would be changed or even something more dramatic.  Thankfully, none of that happened and it turned out to be a very good thing for me.  There were definitely times when I could "feel" it working... .my reactions became more even-keeled and anxiety was soothed more quickly.  Don't expect immediate results, however.  It took a good two months before I could tell it was working.

Good luck,

bi

[lovenature]

Hey chillamom

I tried several anti-depressants and just felt worse, many do benefit from them so I would say it can't hurt to try them.
I found that NC combined with learning as much as I could about BPD and my role in it were the keys to recovering.
Recovery is definitely NOT linear, the further out you get the clearer things become and it is helpful at times and very painful at times. It takes what it takes for us to heal from our involvement with a serious mental illness, one day at a time and don't put a timeline on recovery.