Would you like me to buy you a leather coat?

[Pedro]

Hi all.
I have a few questions to ask that I cannot answer myself. 2 days after my gf ended with me she went with a female friend which had been arranged prior to break up. She comes home with a leather jacket some retail therapy for her I guess or bargain it's irrelevant. As we are coexisting in the same house for now she shows me as I am trying to be strong polite mature for myself to cope no other reason. She bought my 2 previous leather coats in the past as they suit me and we have similar style/taste in some respects. She says would you like me to buy you a leather coat? What the heck why would you say that? Is she trying to irritate me humiliate me be friendly/polite. I'm breaking my heart with this profound loss I feel. Then a couple of days later she says she'll buy me something for my birthday which is a few months away? Why is she torturing me like this. When she moves home to TX USA she says I can go an visit her if i like? I politely but firmly turned down all offers. Do some BPD sufferers have this detachment or void of sensitivity towards their ex's. I've asked her not to make any similar comments in future.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Pedro,

I went through similar, I was with my ex for several years, she was having an affair and my birthday was a month before was leaving and taking the kids with her, she put down money ( mine) for a tattoo. I completely understand how invalidating that feels, to asnwer your question yes there is a detachment there, she has social impairments and lacks that relationship development stage. Lastly, she feels emotions two thousand fold compared to you, she has a lot of internal battles going on, it's incredibly difficult to put yourself in someone's shoes and think about what they need, it's selfish I know but it's not personal, I know that doesn't help right now when things are emotionally raw.

[joeramabeme]

Hi again

Glad to see you are engaging us on the boards here. 

It is eerie the degrees to which we share similar experiences here.  "Retail Therapy"  I LOVE IT!  My ex was a retail'aholic - typical 2-4 x/day and often 5+.

yet a part of me still wants to this realionship if only she would seek professional help & support, because we had a wonderful relationship but i know it won't happen.

Exactly!  But then again, if she would seek professional help, we wouldn't be in this problem.  It is a complete circle of logic.  Unfortunately, pwBPD cannot see their BPD.  I have heard the disorder referred to as "characterological".  This means that they are the BPD and the BPD is them, it is a part of who they are.  One of the criteria that I have read about diagnosing pwBPD is that they cannot identify that there is a problem with them.  So, by these clinical standards; a pwBPD will not seek help because they do not recognize that there is something to seek help with.  It can get very frustrating trying to fit these ideas and concepts into a traditional and logical pattern of thinking.  I have found it better to simply accept some of these points as facts and let the experts weigh in on the details.

Regarding your other point that she wants to purchase you a b'day gift.  I believe one of the other posters mentioned that pwBPD lack "object constancy".  Again, I am not a professional but this generally means that the disordered person cannot stay anchored in a steady sense of self; their core is always shifting. 

I believe this term is used in conjunction with developmental theory and explains how very young children (~2 years of age) will be presented with an object, become entranced by it, and then when the object is removed, it is as if it was never there.  In some ways, the pwBPD is stuck in a certain early developmental phase and exhibits traits similar to this time in development.

Like Mutt, I relate in that once my ex said she was done, she vacated our marital home like she was leaving a college dormitory - took what she needed and left the rest behind as unwanted or unneeded in her future.

It is really difficult in the beginning to wrap your head around a lot of this.  What is most important to know is that there are so many of us that share these common experiences.  And like you, we struggle with how the relationship brought meaning to our lives and find that the meaning does remain.

Keep posting.

How did your ER visit go today?

[Pedro]

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to all who have just read and those that took the time to read my posts. This may be my last post, I have lost my purpose and direction I'm 46 years of age, given everything I could to life despite having Depression most of my adult life I'm losing the will to continue and now want to be reunited with my late Dad. I'm sorry but I can't keep taking these knocks in life I can't do it anymore.
Love to you all thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi Pedro,

No worries, depression is tough. I'm sorry that you're going through that. I understand, I've had depression and anxiety throughout my adult life and some of my teen years. Did you know that 80% of the members on this site have some form of depression? You're not alone.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pedro! 

I have not yet taken the opportunity to welcome you and say how thankful I am that you have come to our online family so that we can help to shoulder the load with you. Thank you for sharing how much you hurt and how sad you are. None of us mind at all hearing your story. I hear your heart speaking, and it is so very tired I can tell. I want to give you a hug and just say that we all care very much for you.   

Depression is a really tough thing, isn't it? My husband and daughter both live with it daily. Right now I'd say you have an extra heavy load to bear because not only are you dealing with that but also with a lot of grief. It can be hard to separate the two for they seem to be married. When my uBPDm died, I experienced both at the same time too. Made me feel like I was walking through knee deep mud. Can you describe how you feel?

You asked a question about why your gf would go out and buy things, causing you to feel humiliated. My uBPDm's way of self soothing the myriad of emotions inside of her would be to do something like that too. It made no sense to me at all but it did to her. When she could only focus on helping herself to feel better, those were the times when she would go out and buy things for others. I received so many mixed messages when she did that, and I felt like I didn't know who the real person was. I'm sorry that your gf's actions have just added to your plate of heaviness.

What will you do to be kind to yourself today? I took time to see the fresh spring blossoms on the trees and it brought me some peace for my morning on the way to work and it settled in my soul for a few hours. On the way home I got to see the trees in their glory all over again and my spirit was lifted once again. Is it spring in the UK too?

 
Wools

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. It's a big loss and I can really understand your feelings. I felt shattered when I broke up with pwBPD. I felt depressed and didn't care about living, and felt that dying would be a relief. That was 5 years ago, and today things are so much better. A lot of lovely things have happened since.

There is hope, Pedro. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things can get better for you.  

Have your mom and brother shared their thoughts about your situation with you?

heartandwhole 

[Skip]

Pedro,

This is the Saving Board and her we talk about what members can do in the best hope to save relationships.

The first thing is you have to get cool and not fall apart. This is over yet. Its like the last 3 minutes of football game - you need to play your very best right now.

I foolishly contacted an ex gf who I had dated prior to my BPD gf... .

So this was a bad idea. She didn't like it. You wouldn't like it if she did it.

Defending it is invalidating her - you are saying "your feelings are wrong and you shouldn't be bothered by what I did".  You may note mean to communicate this, but you are. A better answer is - "I was stupid" and "I won't do it again."  It doesn't need to a drama.  If she wants to talk about it, do that. Answer her questions, be staright, be simple with it.

Stay cool.

She says would you like me to buy you a leather coat?

Then a couple of days later she says she'll buy me something for my birthday which is a few months away?

When she moves home to TX USA she says I can go an visit her if i like?

She is making friendly overtures to you. Who knows what that means, but if she is friendly to you and you reciprocate, there is a much greater chance of reconnecting than if you go all emotional and negative on her when she is being nice.

Be nice to her right now. Do you best to put your hurt feeling aside until this game is over. Don't beg her back. Don't run her off.

Have the best possible time with her before she leaves.

That is your best action right now.

[Pedro]

Hello all.

I am sorry if I caused any additional upset, concern, or worry to any site managers/ support staff or other members from my more recent post.  I still feel suicidal, but keep trying day by day to keep going.
My ex g/f wBPD & I haven't reconciled.  She still thinks we can be friends or buddy's?  As I posted previously a day after she ended our relationship she met somebody online. 2-3 weeks down the line they are in love with each other. He has sent a bunch of flowers, a teddy bear & a greetings cards saying he loves her which she has by the side of her bed.  This is crushing me & another dagger in my heart, as I had hope we could reconcile.  
She now tells me she is going to move back to Tx within 12 months & they are going to live together.  If she has genuinely moved on then good luck to her, but since we separated she tells me that she loves me, I'm cute & she misses me.  It's not fair. I am accepting that we won't get back together but how can someone just feel/learn so soon after ending a relationship that the next person is going to be the person she will spend the rest of her life with, yet after 6 years both her & I felt/thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.  She will not consider counselling or mediation, yet I still feel a wonderful opportunity has been lost on her part to break this cycle & as an unconditional loving supportive ex partner this has been lost.
Do people with BPD ever have feelings, tinges of regret when they look back on their relationships & reflect & think they wish they could have done things differently?  :)o people with BPD & ex's ever reconcile years later, not that it will happen with me, just curious?
Thanks for listening.

[Skip]

I miss her company even though we live in the same house & she's on the phone/skype to new friend/lover boy... .

Can you yell us what you know? How did they meet? Is it a long distance things, etc.

[Pedro]

Hi Skip.
Yes it is a long distance relationship as we live in England yet she is a US national who has lived in England for over 15 years. They met on Facebook via one of her friends on the site... Apparently the relationship started 1 day after she ended our relationship, this is what she tells me. Yes she says she is moving home to Tx within 12 months to live with him & they'll retire there, she is 40 years old currently. That is all I know. It's none of my business, she has booked a flight to visit her parents in Tx in July which was always planned for this year, but obviously they'll meet up once she arrives.

[Skip]

This is "Saving a Relationship That Is in or Near Breakup"... .

Do you want advice on that?  Or do you want us to move this to ":)etaching"?

[Pedro]

Some advice would be useful just to try & make some sense of this craziness Thanks.

[Skip]

She hasn't met the guy. Lot's could go wrong there.
She isn't going to meet him for 60 days. So you have time to change the vibe between you two.
She isn't looking to move for up to 12 months. Lots of room for breakdown there.

Is this correct?

[Pedro]

Yes Skip all of that is correct.
We went to our favourite American theme diner restaurant this morning as friends, which was always our special place for us 2, as I am a big fan of most things American. Yes my ex is a US national but I always loved the American culture years before we met. It was vey painful going to the restaurant, I cried whilst in the restroom as this could be the last time we go there together.

[Pedro]

By the way my ex had been asking me all last week to go with her today for breakfast, her treat, her invite. I went with lots of pain, but remained polite, courteous, not expecting anything. I am keeping that mind set hard as it is.

[Skip]

Stay cool.

She is making friendly overtures to you. Who knows what that means, but if she is friendly to you and you reciprocate, there is a much greater chance of reconnecting than if you go all emotional and negative on her when she is being nice.

Be nice to her right now. Do you best to put your hurt feeling aside until this game is over. Don't beg her back. Don't run her off.

Have the best possible time with her before she leaves.

That is your best action right now.

The situation is difficult and its hurtful, no doubt. But if you respond by being sad, needy, lost, depressed - it will seal the ending as the right thing to do.

"Lover boy" is a Facebook fantasy. Sure it could survive, but there's a 90%+ possibility that if you were 5 years in the future and looking back, you would see this was lark that crashed and burned.

So don't over focus on this or what she is doing.

Let's focus on (1) you and her and what happened to the relationship, (2) why she is still living in the same flat with you, and (3) how do you pick yourself up and become the strong attractive man she feel in love with.

Maybe we should start with #2.

[Pedro]

She cannot afford to leave the house as she invested a lot of money into my, now our house which is our house/home.  We live separate lives within the house, separate rooms, she asks me to stay on another floor of the house whilst she is skyping/telephoning her boyfriend. I am on a waiting list to start counselling with my employer's Occupational Health Department. We respect each others boundaries in the house, privacy, politeness, respect mutually. I am reading every day posts advice, support, & guidance given by other members posted on your website, for which I am eternally grateful.  I am not wallowing in self pity, I am feeling a profound loss & grief of my soul mate, best friend, companion that's all.
So am doing everything in my powers & limitations to be me. I know she feels sad & upset because she tells me.

[Pedro]

Whilst we were having waffles n pancakes at the diner this AM, she asks do I want to know about her boyfriend. I say no, but I wish you both happiness, & hope things work out for you both. I meant it but through gritted teeth. My ex g/f w BPD has a strong Baptist faith, myself of the Catholic Christian faith. She informs me she is moving home to Tx because this is what direction God is taking her which I respect. She tells me she wants to be near her parents, because they are older both retired n feels she needs to be there as they get older & infirm. I ask will she be living near her parents given her concerns, she informs me no she will be living 3 1/2 hours drive away from them with her boyfriend. Not exactly near but at least better than 20+hours travelling from England.

[Skip]

... .she informs me no she will be living 3 1/2 hours drive away from them with her boyfriend.

   This is really immature thinking... .who makes plans to move in with someone they haven't ever met (rhetorical question)? She is certainly on cloud nine. But this could crash as fast as it rose... .don't get too caught up in it. Easier said than done, I know.

I am feeling a profound loss & grief of my soul mate, best friend, companion that's all.
So am doing everything in my powers & limitations to be me.

Pedro, I guess it comes down to whether you want to spend these next 60 days in grieving and in "funeral mode", or whether you want to "compete for her affections".

Clearly, many in your situation would be devastated, feeling depressed, entering the grieving stage. It's understandable.

I'm encouraging to at least consider another approach, albeit difficult, for these next 60-90 days. Start doing interesting things, start re-inventing yourself, etc.

100 days from now, you will look back and say "the right thing to do was _______". I'm encouraging you to put yourself in the 100 day window and try to look back - so that you don't end up saying, "if I could have done it differently, I would have ____".

We all want you to make the choice that is best for you.

I am reading every day posts advice, support, & guidance given by other members posted on your website, for which I am eternally grateful. 

It's important to find the members you connect with best and work from there. Good luck with this Pedro, we're all here for you.

[Pedro]

You're right Skip. I'm on it, absolutely, at least I can look back & reflect & say I tried. No faint heart won any fair maiden. Thank you.

[Skip]

Right now, you're a freebie. She knows that if things fall apart with the new guy, you'll be there.

I suspect that the minute you buy some new clothes, start doing interesting things, reprise the personalty that attracted her, become upbeat and independent, she will notice. She will likely reach out to be sure you are still "on the hook"... .you will be challenged to walk that fine line of being there and not being there too much (doormat)... .

Folks her can help you.

[Pedro]

Thank you Skip. I put on a previous reply post that I couldn't go back to how things were. Hypothetically if we were to try and reconcile she/we would have to be able to talk, consider therapy, I'm not the doormat ready to be walked & wiped on again. Yes a fine line balance to kept & walked along methodically with a lot of thought carefully.

[stayingsteady]

Pedro,

I wanted to reconfirm what Skip stated:

Folks here can help you.

Your situation is extremely familiar to us.  Many of us have personally dealt with similar situations. Because of this, we truly understand because we've been there before. 

You're definitely a welcome member to this community.  You'll find a lot of support here.

- Staying Steady

[Pedro]

Hi stayingsteady.

Thank you for your kind words and support. I am sincerely sorry for all of you that may have had similar or worse experiences than my myself that has led you to this support network. God bless you all.

[stayingsteady]

Thanks Pedro,

but there's not really much to be sorry for... .  I enjoy being a part of this community.  I feel at home here.  I hope you will too.

- Staying Steady

[Pedro]

I am sure I will be informed accordingly but if I am overstepping the mark by the volume of posts & the very nature of information that I Disclose, then Please tell me. At my age I still feel a bit naive about sharing the very information that I do? My ex with BPD would be as livid & as upset about me sharing this information as she was finding emails a few months ago. Sorry everybody just feel the need to say this & to understand how I am being perceived. It's my ex who has this illness/ condition not me yet I'm the person who is seeking guidance help insight understanding. It doesn't seem right sorry.

[livednlearned]

Hi pedro,

I have almost 10,000 posts so who am I to judge how many posts made 

My therapist told me once that she thinks more than half her practice involves people married to or breaking up with BPD partners.

Like you, I come from a Commonwealth country where people tend to be pretty tight lipped about their struggles. It's been a relief to find others who feel the way I do, without judgment. I hope you feel the same way here 

[Pedro]

Wowser livedandlearned, you must have given and received a lot of relevant information during your time on BPD family?

[livednlearned]

I can here in a similar boat to yours, pedro 

We can be mended. We mend each other.