Constantly on Red Alert

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Folks,

I am just wondering if anyone else has felt this.

For years and years, I have wondered why I find it so difficult to concentrate on things, and never relax.  I have lots of interests and good ideas for projects, etc, and always have; I have just always struggled to knuckle down and get on with things.  In the workplace it has been a bit troublesome too, the inability to concentrate for long on a single task.  For a long time I though perhaps I had ADD or something, then I thought it was just procrastination, and even recently just a general issue with confidence.  However, this week I have had one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life as I've realised it's none of those things!  It's that I am constantly on red-alert for the next trick my uBPD/Narc mother and grandmother are going to pull!  It's been that pervasive.

For some background, I am approaching my mid-thirties and for years I have been the 'go-to' person for them both.  They have both been very adept at making stupid decisions which result in them needing my help; I now think this is all deliberate, for attention.  They also have the most abominably toxic relationship and have fought over me all of my life - each thinks they own me basically, and can't bear me having contact with the other as it threatens them.  There is a great deal more I could say but it'll be an essay.  Their behaviour over the past few years has escalated on both sides to the point where they have put themselves in very vulnerable situations (again, deliberate I think).  I am so used to them ringing (or texting) me at all hours of the day and night, repeatedly if they cannot get an immediate answer (which also angers them) and giving me an entire problem to solve which I usually can't (which also brings out the rage).  It's like I am constantly on high alert for this happening as it triggers the cr*p out of me whenever it does.  My usual fear response is to freeze, and it's like I'm doing that all of the time!

So I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or similar?

Thanks,
Olympia

[Olympia]

Hi Folks,

I am just wondering if anyone else has felt this.

For years and years, I have wondered why I find it so difficult to concentrate on things, and never relax.  I have lots of interests and good ideas for projects, etc, and always have; I have just always struggled to knuckle down and get on with things.  In the workplace it has been a bit troublesome too, the inability to concentrate for long on a single task.  For a long time I though perhaps I had ADD or something, then I thought it was just procrastination, and even recently just a general issue with confidence.  However, this week I have had one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life as I've realised it's none of those things!  It's that I am constantly on red-alert for the next trick my uBPD/Narc mother and grandmother are going to pull!  It's been that pervasive.

For some background, I am approaching my mid-thirties and for years I have been the 'go-to' person for them both.  They have both been very adept at making stupid decisions which result in them needing my help; I now think this is all deliberate, for attention.  They also have the most abominably toxic relationship and have fought over me all of my life - each thinks they own me basically, and can't bear me having contact with the other as it threatens them.  There is a great deal more I could say but it'll be an essay.  Their behaviour over the past few years has escalated on both sides to the point where they have put themselves in very vulnerable situations (again, deliberate I think).  I am so used to them ringing (or texting) me at all hours of the day and night, repeatedly if they cannot get an immediate answer (which also angers them) and giving me an entire problem to solve which I usually can't (which also brings out the rage).  It's like I am constantly on high alert for this happening as it triggers the cr*p out of me whenever it does.  My usual fear response is to freeze, and it's like I'm doing that all of the time!

So I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or similar?

Thanks,
Olympia

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Olympia! 

It's such a great question you ask.  I'm really glad that the  has come on for you.

However, this week I have had one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life as I've realised it's none of those things!  It's that I am constantly on red-alert for the next trick my uBPD/Narc mother and grandmother are going to pull!

I have had hyper vigilance nearly all my life from having grown up with an uBPDm, but it took me until the past few years to begin to comprehend that this is exactly what was going on all along. Yes! I can relate! So many other members here also experience the same thing. An example from my life is that about a month ago while laying in bed and about to go to sleep for the night, the house creaked as houses do. My heart rate went from a normal pace to what felt like a hundred miles an hour! I was suddenly back to feeling like a little child, on hyper alert, waiting for my mom to come bursting through the doorway yelling at me. That creak of the house was so similar to the creak of the stair steps when she came up the stairs to find me.

Have you ever read anything by Pete Walker? In his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, he addresses this very issue:

Trauma takes its toll on the body in many ways. We need to comprehend the physical damage that Cptsd wreaks on our bodies to motivate us to adopt practices that help us to heal on this level.

Most of the physiological damage of extended trauma occurs because we are forced to spend so much time in hyper-arousal - stuck in fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode.

I'm not trying to say that you have Cptsd, but only illustrating how it is typical that when we've grown up in a stressful environment with a pwBPD, it does affect us, frequently in ways we were not previously aware of.

You are growing and learning!  Hooray! Keep going!


Wools

[Olympia]

Hiya,
Thanks for your reply and apologies it's taken me a few days to respond - I had a big job interview and then got offered the job - which is great as it gives me more independence from my family and far more control over when I see them, as I am going to be so busy!
I have Pete Walker's book and absolutely love it; I am pretty sure I do have CPTSD as when I read the symptoms it was like looking in a mirror... ! Some of his suggestions have helped so much already.  There is no little awareness of the issues people like us go through, and I find one of the most helpful things is feeling validated. 
The hyper-vigilance thing is so intense!  I know what you mean about how powerful the triggers are; there are certain words and phrases that I cannot stand hearing as it just takes me back to difficult times... .I'm finding though even in the past week since having that realisation I'm finding it easier already to focus on things.  I know my anxiety has a deeper route now so just going about my day is a little easier.
This place also helps too!
Hope you've been having a good week
Olympia

[Fie]

Hello Olympia  

I too can relate. For a long time I did not know but now I realize I have been on hyperalert for pretty much all of my life.
People even sometimes notice. Some time ago I went to a massagist and she mentioned that she felt I was not relaxed at all. Another example is me being in hospital, in a lot of pain so under strong painkillers. At night the baxter with painkillers gotten empty woke me up. The nurse thought it was a coincidence and only when he saw it happened every night he attributed it to me being supersensitive to outer signals

During the years I have improved a lot, also because I avoid triggering situations like meeting my mother. I don't jump anymore at unexpected noises and the like.

But I still have to wear earplugs at night, I wake up from even tiny noises. Even during sex I cannot fully relax. It's somehow like my muscles are always a little tense. It's like anything can happen ... .and I have to be ready.

[yeahnah]

Hi Olympia

I can certainly relate on the mother front - mine is very much like yours. It's especially bad when we're under the same roof (like now) - I think she found people more geographically available to be her saviour when I moved out, so our relationship was more stable then (though not perfect).

Somewhat amusingly, I found my anxiety and edginess largely disappeared when I moved to a different continent and timezone, where we'd have to schedule Skype dates well in advance, but it came flooding back when I moved home. Seems a bit drastic to have to uproot your whole life to gain a measure of sanity, and not really a viable option for most people... .!

I hope you find some respite soon.

[Gemsforeyes]

Wow, Olympia!  You just woke me up! Thank you.  I am new to the realization that I've just escaped from a 3.5 year relationship with a BPD man who nearly emptied my soul.  I had always been an extremely organized person and self-employed for 17 years.  Since being involved with him, my productivity has plummeted, paperwork has piled up, concentration has been hard to maintain and I haven't known what in the WORLD was wrong with me!  When he had an "emergency", he would call me SCREAMING that I needed to dash out NOW to the rescue.  Not kidding.  And off I would race to his rescue.  Even after I had him move out of my home, he would pop in whenever he pleased, interrupt my work, turn on the tv, disregard my deadlines, constantly chatting it up, maybe start a fight, and think nothing of it.  My body is shaking as I type these words... .  You understand, this is only one aspect of the behavior.  This is the more "mild" side.  This doesn't even touch upon any of the other offenses... .but I've been breathing for almost a month now.  You will be able to breathe, too.  Because you know.

But yes, Olympia.  If you are not living with these people (and even if you are), set some rules.  Your awareness is your first step and I certainly commend you for recognizing what I was unable to see.  Become the ADULT and the beautiful, capable woman you ARE.  Tell them in no uncertain terms what an EMERGENCY is and is not.  Take your power and use it. 

All my best, Gemsforeyes