Reluctance to take steps to solve the things that set him off?

[Alayne]

Do your significant others hate authority and/or are they poor planners?  Better planning on his part would eliminate many of the situations from coming up that trigger his outbursts.  I'm wondering if that sort of "self-fulfilling prophesy" is a normal part of the BPD experience or a trait unique (ish) to him.

I can see how any judgment from me on strategies to improve would hit his ego, but I'm not sure how he independently misses that a + b = c when it comes to avoidable problems.  Longer example below if helpful/interesting.

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Example:  My husband had an outburst today triggered by wanting to play tennis this week (he took off on vacation) but it's constantly raining so he can't.  He has no control over that.  He redirected to obsessing over organizing the house, which he hates doing. (At its peak, he demanded that I design an instant storage solution to solve the long-standing problem that he's a mild hoarder when it comes to keeping cardboard boxes in his office "because he might need them later".  It's my fault the house is disorganized, etc., etc.)

Setting aside how we handle the outburst in the moment, he could do a LOT of things to avoid getting into this situation.  He could have postponed his vacation. He knew the forecast was bad. He could have created back-up plans for other healthy indoor activities so that he wasn't dependent on the weather. He could bring up cleaning and organization constructively so that we can agree on a plan rather than wait until he's a mess. 

His approach is best described as avoidant and impulsive.  He hates being told what to do, even when I do all of the work.  He hates discussion tools and techniques ("they're stupid", "whatever".  He hates managing his calendar unless it has to do with tennis.  He's kindly but in so many words described my preference for planning and structure as a character flaw.

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[isilme]

Poor planning is tied I think to the BPD poor executive control.  I think the same of failing for not even trying is more acceptable to them than the shame of failing when you tried.  So, they procrastinate, they half-ass do things, and then get mad when they are rushed, when things aren't done well, when things fall apart. 

(At its peak, he demanded that I design an instant storage solution to solve the long-standing problem that he's a mild hoarder when it comes to keeping cardboard boxes in his office "because he might need them later".  It's my fault the house is disorganized, etc., etc.)

^This made me laugh - sorry, but this is my life.  Exactly my life.  We have boxes os "important paper" in our office, blocking access to the room at times, because he WON'T shred and throw them away, and it's somehow MY fault he has too much stuff.  He points to our office as if it's crammed with MYstuff.  It's not.  There are a few shared items, some books, but the rest is pretty much his. 

So, I choose things I NEED to make sure happen and are done right.  Taxes - I do them.  Paying bills?  I do them.  Him finishing a painting he thinks he has to have done - I let him manage if it gets done or not.  I let him "fail" at things when they won't really hurt, or when the hurt is needed over and over for him to finally decide a+b=c.  I can't "tell" him anything.  That triggers him resisting just for the sake of it.  He accuses me of "being his mom" and so on.  And a lot of it IS resentment at his mom, his older sister, and any woman who ever had authority over him. 

Things like planning a vacation to play tennis but not paying attention to the weather, well it sucks, but maybe this was also the best week to be off work?  Like meetings are stacked up later, or other people will be out?  So planning, in that case, isn't really a good example.  But the office, keeping it tidy - that DOES tie into planning.  And being willing to spend some time doing something not-fun for the privilege of having a cleaner house. 

a+b=c is based on logical reasoning.  pwBPD miss it, because they rely on EMOTIONAL reasoning.  "I FEEL this way, so THIS must be true."  Logic is meant to rely on facts that don't change whether I am angry or happy.  If it's 8PM, it's 8PM regardless of how I feel about it.  But to a pwBPD, 8PM is just construct meant to make them angry or happy, or is irrelevant entirely, based on how they feel at that moment.  And how they feel about it being 8PM can shift one minute to the next, depending on how volitile their emotions are that day.

[isilme]

On a side note - if you ever design that instant storage solution, can I see it?     Mine is often "throw it away when he's not looking."

[Alayne]

wow, I think we're the same person!

That's not to say the rest of my house is in order - it's so not.  I have a full-time job, a toddler, and I'm 30 weeks pregnant.  I've accepted the chaos I can't fix. He can't or won't do that. I do what you do and focus on the most important things - shredding mail, putting things away, etc.  I rarely and carefully throw things away without telling him - if he caught wind, I know he would start doing it to my stuff when angry to hurt me.  I do find with a little patience, he'll get fed up enough with the whole process that he'll give me permission to do whatever I want.  That helps (sucks to get there, but hey, the job gets done unless I absolutely need his input).

To ramble more, the hardest part (I mean, other than his temper) is that I love organizing. I want to own it as part of my household responsibilities.  I'm working on setting boundaries, however, about whether it's reasonable to accept anger when I ask him to collapse a box, go through his clothes to throw out things that don't fit, or pick up laundry.  I have to remind myself that he can still always say no, but he doesn't have to be mean when he does it - and I shouldn't avoid at least asking the question when appropriate and respectful.

[MrRight]

My uBPD wife tend to accuse me of poor planning but is well organised herself - or at least she thinks she is.

"You know your problem. you cant organise!"

b/s - I'm married to someone who wastes enormous amounts of time sitting with me trying to connect with me over interminable coffees so that she can finally get on with what she wants to do. After 3 coffees I suggest going to do some work (I work at home) she studies and has assigments to write - "you havent said anything meaningful!" "Make another coffee!"

several hours a day down the drain

I have seen her organise - write it all down - and then she just wastes time in the manner described.

but yes if her plans are thwarted by some circumstance (eg she wants to plant peas, delays to do it and is thwarted by rain)

"you ass" kick to the shin "I told you we should have planted those peas yesterday!" "If we dont plant those peas by tomorrow I dont know what I'll do!"

[Alayne]

Ouch! I can't imagine how I'd deal if he were physically aggressive. I hope you're taking care of yourself, too. (You're clearly well-caffeinated!)

He told our marriage counselor today that he wants his wife back (from pregnancy - 30 weeks and counting). It sounded suspiciously like he wants someone to take care of all the stuff he hates doing. That way, he won't blow up anymore. It's perfect.

I'm kicking myself at how much I enabled this situation. The good news is that there's no shortage of messes for me to clean to make myself feel better.

[Lakebreeze]

I could have written the post myself. Complete disorganization and hording on my spouse's part. But I am regularly accused of being disorganized. I only wish he had a hobby like tennis!

[Alayne]

I could have written the post myself. Complete disorganization and hording on my spouse's part. But I am regularly accused of being disorganized. I only wish he had a hobby like tennis!

Speaking from this side of the grass, tennis is a mixed blessing.  He is obsessed, which is great... .until he doesn't play well or his shoulder hurts or the weather doesn't cooperate or he can't find the socks he wants and then BOOM - whole new set of triggers.  Our marriage counselor keeps trying to nudge him toward finding a physical activity that is an outlet (the MC was also the one who first brought up BPD to me during a 1:1). Fingers crossed for you and me both.

To whine a little, too, I get detailed analyses of every ache, pain, sleepless night, and frustration he feels related to tennis. I'm thirty weeks pregnant with twins, but yes, tell me about how you're tired and your back is sore and I need to do more around the house to help you... .

(I really do love the guy.  He's amazing outside of this.  But seriously, dude?)

[MrRight]

Speaking from this side of the grass, tennis is a mixed blessing.  He is obsessed, which is great... .until he doesn't play well or his shoulder hurts or the weather doesn't cooperate or he can't find the socks he wants and then BOOM - whole new set of triggers.  Our marriage counselor keeps trying to nudge him toward finding a physical activity that is an outlet (the MC was also the one who first brought up BPD to me during a 1:1). Fingers crossed for you and me both.

To whine a little, too, I get detailed analyses of every ache, pain, sleepless night, and frustration he feels related to tennis. I'm thirty weeks pregnant with twins, but yes, tell me about how you're tired and your back is sore and I need to do more around the house to help you... .

(I really do love the guy.  He's amazing outside of this.  But seriously, dude?)

I can imagine he is a very sore loser on court - Mcenroe tantrum style most likely.

[Alayne]

I can imagine he is a very sore loser on court - Mcenroe tantrum style most likely.

Good imagination.  No broken raquets, yet, though.

An on court tantrum led to me coming here.  He gets mad when the people he plays with don't invest the same, uh, dedication to improvement as he does.  Partner was imploding, BPD tried to advise him between points, partner asked him to stop, BPD went full ST... .for the rest of the match... .to EVERYONE, including the other team.

I googled silent treatment because - hell, I don't know why, it just seemed like such a terrible reaction - which led to its ties with narcissism.  His father is an undiagnosed narcissist.  Happened to have that 1:1 session with our marriage counselor that week and mentioned the incident.  It was clearly on his mind, and he nudged me to BPD with a Walking on Eggshells recommendation.  Voila.

[Lakebreeze]

Speaking from this side of the grass, tennis is a mixed blessing.  He is obsessed, which is great... .until he doesn't play well or his shoulder hurts or the weather doesn't cooperate or he can't find the socks he wants and then BOOM - whole new set of triggers.  Our marriage counselor keeps trying to nudge him toward finding a physical activity that is an outlet (the MC was also the one who first brought up BPD to me during a 1:1). Fingers crossed for you and me both.

To whine a little, too, I get detailed analyses of every ache, pain, sleepless night, and frustration he feels related to tennis. I'm thirty weeks pregnant with twins, but yes, tell me about how you're tired and your back is sore and I need to do more around the house to help you... .

(I really do love the guy.  He's amazing outside of this.  But seriously, dude?)

Good luck with the twins! Off topic but my twin girls are 4 years old. Going through a twin pregnancy with zero sympathy from a uBPD husband... .hardest 9 months of my life. Wishing you all the best.