Karma maybe. But it hurts me so much

[roberto516]

So my ex and I worked for the same company but different locations. Like a fool I contacted her trying to explain my actions. Met with silence. Then last night she tells me they are closing her office and she's laid off.
I then told her about another company hiring which is where I have applied for and have a really good shot at getting the job. I told her it'd be perfectly fine for us to work together. Then she tells me off. Says she hates me. That I'm trying to ruin her life by going for a job at this company (I applied there before I even knew she applied).
The weird thing is a part of me should be happy. I wanted some type of karma for her. But I feel so bad for her. And I dread to think that I won't get the job and she will and be better off (its a much better company). Why do I want to take her pain away and help her after all she did?

I know I need to work on me and not care what she does. But my heart hurts so much for her. And I guess the weird thing is I offered her support. And she said she doesn't want it. I can only control my actions anyway.

It's probably better this way. Because I said a lot of mean stuff after the discards. Had I not she probably would have recycled me back again. So in a way I'm better off.

[Replacement99]

I would go NC and never contact her again. You are painted black and any contact will just hurt you, the more you contact her the weaker you look and the blacker you become.  I did this  for a few weeks after kicking her out and finishing it, and all I got was games.  Been NC for a month now and feel 10x better and stronger.  You will never win with them NC is your only way out, better to let some other poor guy go through the pain.  She will recycle you but you must keep NC.

[Mutt]

Hi roberto516,

I agree with Replacement99, you're split black for now and self protection is a good idea because it's going to give you space and time that you need to recover. I don't think that it's weird, I think that it shows that you care about her, you both need more time behind you, being split black is a slow process and same with being split white, I think that many of us probably said things that we regret saying but we had a lot of resentment building up in these r/s's, we're coming from a place where we're hurt, don't be hard on yourself. I suggest to work on the lessons on the right side of the board Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom

[Lucky Jim]

Hey roberto, You are not responsible for whether the new company decides to hire you, your Ex, both of you or neither of you, so I suggest you let it go.  I am uncertain why you "feel so bad for her."  Maybe you could let that go, too?  LJ

[Grey Kitty]

The weird thing is a part of me should be happy. I wanted some type of karma for her. But I feel so bad for her. And I dread to think that I won't get the job and she will and be better off (its a much better company). Why do I want to take her pain away and help her after all she did?

Why do you want to take her pain away? 'Cuz that is what you wanted to do along in the r/s, and you aren't completely over that, you are still kinda enmeshed with her some.

Why do you feel bad for her when something bad (layoff) happens to her?

Probably because you are the sort of person who is kind and caring and doesn't want anybody to get hurt... .and you have gotten over enough of your anger at her that she still fits into that "anyone" category.

Even if she still is toxic to you, and your best bet is to wish good things for her that keep her far away from you. 

[Should I stay or...]

Simply, sincere love is the key to all who seek and want to love another deeply, kindly, tenderly and forever. Contrarily, BPD is not a sincere diagnosis.

You're Grandpop's love was sincere and so was your love for him... .hers' is not.
 
We all wanted our love for our BPD relationships’ to be different then the endings we were given. We all hoped for more, a future. A future mirroring the love that was so great. The pieces we are left holding trying to reassemble to make a whole relationship sustainable is futile. The irony is: it was never whole to begin with. You can’t make whole what is not.



 

[lovenature]

The less contact you have with her the better Roberto. Continue learning about this awful disorder, focus on you.
The reasons you feel the way you do are because of the combination of idealization turning to devaluation because of the saddest part of the disorder (the closer you get the more you are pushed away), and her psychological defenses that all boil down to her making up her own reality to fit her current emotion of the moment.

Enough time away, and being able to make sense of what you went through will help in your recovery.