BPD Mother, NC , mothers day anxiety

[peonylove]

Hello everyone!

I am in no contact with my mom since January 2016. It has been a huge relief and also a very difficult time for me. We live in the same city, so I barely ever go outside. It caused some fights with my boyfriend over the fact that I'm always home on weekends, as I work Monday-Friday. I understand him, he wants to go out, even for a simple walk, but I can't face her, I'm scared all the time when I go outside, constantly looking around to see if she's around. He is very supportive and knows exactly why I can't bare to have contact  with her. It made me very sensitive, I lost my friends over it, so all I have is my boyfriend and my best friend, who lives overseas. It's very hard, because I don't have anyone to talk with about this, apart from them two and I feel very  guilty for not being able to have a relationship with her, but emotional abuse through the years left significant marks on me and I'm not the person I should be. I am scared, emotionally wrecked, I cry a lot.
It mother's day today and feel extremely anxious. I'm scared that someone at work will find out that I have no contact with her, as they know her. I don't want them shaming me, I can't deal with my emotions today at all.
Does anyone here feel like that on Mothers day? And can someone suggest maybe some book or something I could read to relieve myself from constant guilt? I'm moving to another country in summer, so hopefully life will get a bit better.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Peonylove! 

Welcome to our family! Yes, you will see a lot of others here, if not most of us, struggle with Mother's Day. We come from similar places, understanding the hurt and challenges that come with having a pwBPD in our families.

I'm scared all the time when I go outside, constantly looking around to see if she's around.

I am sorry to hear this. It sounds like a very difficult situation. When you begin to take those first steps of change with someone in your life who is BPD, it takes time for the old feelings to follow suit. Learning to relax is hard. Can you tell me what type of feelings you are experiencing?

Have you ever met with a T to help you begin to lessen the fear? Dealing with a BPD can be hard. When I first began talking about my uBPDm to my T, even a few weeks after she had died, I worried that she would hear me still. I was so wrapped up in fear. Fear can be consuming, and it keeps us on hyper alert. Remember that you are not the little person you used to be, and as an adult you have freedom to make choices that you were not able to make as a child.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Here is a very helpful book that specifically deals with so many of the issues that adult children of borderlines deal with. I've linked the review for you.

What kind thing can you do for yourself today?

 
Wools