Getting a divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children 8 and 5 years old.  I just recently found out that my wife may have BPD.  I read the book stop walking on eggshells and confirmed with our marriage counselor that our life together reads almost like it comes out of the book.  We have reached the final stages of the relationship and she is hating me like she has never hated before.  She claims to want a civil resolution to things but everything she is doing says she wants a war. I wanted to take time and talk to a lawyer and our counselor and get ready for the not so good fight, but she is intent on getting things done... .like it needed to happen last year and we are late. 

I am still trying to comes to grips what being with a BPD person.  I feel like I had to shoulder the blame for all the bad that has happened over out marriage and my wife refuses to take responsibility.  It seemed like I was always the bad guy, my problem was accepting it and not holding her accountable.  I am finally starting to deal with the hurt of always being wrong and the neglect, by her, for being the bad guy.  Now we are filing for divorce tomorrow.  I have come to realize that I am more like an empty soda can, I unknowingly gave up many of my dreams, aspirations, self-respect, independence, and much of my mental stability to try and keep my wife happy.  I need help, lots of help. 

If anyone knows good questions to ask prospective attorneys about handling cases with a BPD person, that would be a good place to start. Any advice on going forward with a divorce would be helpful as well.  My wife is extremely susceptible to raging when she doesn't get her way.  While she has never hit me or the kids, I'm not ruling it out with the situation we are both compromised emotionally due to the circumstances.

[Postal000]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children 8 and 5 years old.  I just recently found out that my wife may have BPD.  I read the book stop walking on eggshells and confirmed with our marriage counselor that our life together reads almost like it comes out of the book.  We have reached the final stages of the relationship and she is hating me like she has never hated before.  She claims to want a civil resolution to things but everything she is doing says she wants a war. I wanted to take time and talk to a lawyer and our counselor and get ready for the not so good fight, but she is intent on getting things done... .like it needed to happen last year and we are late. 

I am still trying to comes to grips what being with a BPD person.  I feel like I had to shoulder the blame for all the bad that has happened over out marriage and my wife refuses to take responsibility.  It seemed like I was always the bad guy, my problem was accepting it and not holding her accountable.  I am finally starting to deal with the hurt of always being wrong and the neglect, by her, for being the bad guy.  Now we are filing for divorce tomorrow.  I have come to realize that I am more like an empty soda can, I unknowingly gave up many of my dreams, aspirations, self-respect, independence, and much of my mental stability to try and keep my wife happy.  I need help, lots of help. 

If anyone knows good questions to ask prospective attorneys about handling cases with a BPD person, that would be a good place to start. Any advice on going forward with a divorce would be helpful as well.  My wife is extremely susceptible to raging when she doesn't get her way.  While she has never hit me or the kids, I'm not ruling it out with the situation we are both compromised emotionally due to the circumstances.

[RedPill]

Hi Postal,

17 year marriage here with a teen daughter. stbxudBPDw filed divorce on me last week. Much of our story sounds similar to yours. Raging, blaming, discontent, unhappiness, and now a desire for a speedy amicable break with contrary actions behind it. Be careful and calm. There is a great book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with BPD. You've probably heard of it. Get it and read.

I'm still coming to grips with the whole situation as well. It's going to take a while. I am learning that true healing will come (someday) when I accept and work on the things inside myself that I can change; the contributions that I made to the dysfunctional dance. Or something like that. Because I can't change her or the things she believes. And I never could. All the love, focus, passion, attention, worship, security, and affirmation were never enough to fill the bottomless pit of emptiness inside her. Because it's bottomless. And it's not about me. Don't get me wrong; she was the love of my life. She is the Mother of my child. It hurts real bad. And I'm highly conflicted about it. But the more I read the more I find I am not alone and that others have walked this path before me.

I chose my lawyer based on their recognition of BPD and what it might mean to the divorce. The others took a look at the book and didn't have much to say. Looks like I'm only barely ahead of you in the process so I don't have much practical advice at this point. Just wanted to let you know that I know where you're at. And it sucks. But maybe this will be the escape we need.

Good luck and keep reading and posting.

[Inneedofhelp]

I understand the hurt and confusion too. Officially almost 17 years married, but 5 long years of separation and chaos, with 2 children 8 and 12 years old. It took me until this year to discover BPD and all the resources available to learn and get support. We also started with divorce mediation but his promises to do it mutually have come crashing down and I have finally admitted I will need to have him served to continue the process. Although I have tried to be completely transparent, I think his irrational paranoia and fears of abandonment have kicked in so he always says I am trying to get him. I did not look for a lawyer initially that knows of BPD because I didn't get it myself, so it's good that you are researching that part. I'm sure you feel similar in that with young children it is more complicated. I don't know about yours, but mine are starting to be affected by his behaviors-and it's hard to watch that happen.

[happendtome]

Was it like this? https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

I wasnt married myself, just dated her, but basically there were all those 13 signs. Shes wasnt violent, but she was able to screw me mentally. I was always wrong and made her unhappy etc. Could you tell examples what your wife did, why you married at first place. 

[RedPill]

Hi Postal,
I re-read your post and had a few thoughts.

I feel like I had to shoulder the blame for all the bad that has happened over our marriage and my wife refuses to take responsibility.  It seemed like I was always the bad guy, my problem was accepting it and not holding her accountable.

I understand this. And we probably felt this way because we're kind, loving, supportive people. Unfortunately that's prime hunting ground. But we didn't know. We didn't have the tools. And I agree, I am just beginning to take an honest look at my role in the dysfunctional dance because it's the one thing I have power to change.

My wife is extremely susceptible to raging when she doesn't get her way.  While she has never hit me or the kids, I'm not ruling it out with the situation we are both compromised emotionally due to the circumstances.

Please be careful. Keep calm. Keep your distance when she's raging. Read, educate yourself, breathe deeply, and don't engage. There are articles here about dealing with conflict. You have to protect yourself and your kids. Keep a journal with examples of any outbursts. Don't be afraid to leave the house with the kids or call police if you or the kids are abused. Be safe and good luck.