Projection - How do you cope with it?

[Beleaguered]

Could we discuss the mechanism of projection in BPD and how to deal with it?  My 46 year old daughter uses it constantly, in real time and in reiterating things in the past.  At times she seems to be totally replacing herself with me.  It's so distressing and frightening, actually, because it feels like dealing with someone who is psychotic. 

Currently she is demanding an apology for a fly-off-the-handle episode she had a week ago with me and insisting it was me.  She says I came at her out of the blue and screamed at her and "punished" her, and it was totally uncalled for, etc. 

When actually I just asked her a question about getting her car worked on (well, actually it's mine, but she drives it and it was long overdue for an oil change), and she became defensive and dismissive and started shouting about how she can take care of it herself. 

(She has no money, and the engine was destroyed on it three years ago because she never checked the oil - so I spent $4,000 for an engine replacement.  I could never do anything like that again.  It was the last of my husband's life insurance money.)

So now, on a rare occasion that I saw her, I asked if we could please make the arrangements this week to get her car in.  When she began to browbeat me about leaving her alone, she's not a loser, I've done this her whole life, etc., etc., I couldn't get a word in edgewise, let alone yell.  I just took it, as I usually do, and she stormed away cursing me. 

Later she called me and continued her rant about how I attacked her, unprovoked, out of the blue, punishing her, and she deserved an apology for being screamed at out of the blue for no reason.  She was breathtakingly adamant, and for the first time ever, I didn't apologize. 

Something in me just froze, and I thought whenever she forces me to apologize for her own projected behavior, I'm just validating insanity.  Of course she is immediately relieved, and comes "back" within a couple days and the episode is forgotten.  But this time it's such a flagrant example of delusional thinking that I've just been sick at the idea of capitulating and taking it on and apologizing for something she did, and not I.

It's the current sticking point with her, and until I apologize for a rage episode that she has assigned to me, not her, she wants nothing to do with me other than calling me for money.

I have hundreds of examples, over many years, but this is the first time I've just remained silent through her rants -- well actually I can't even get a supportive sentence out, let alone the recommended SET type remarks. 

What is the best way to cope with this?  Is this common with BPD?  Or is this a feature of some co-occurring disorder?   It's like suddenly she's another person, or a person with dementia or psychosis.  There's no way through it; I just want a peaceful way around it. 

Any experience with this?  Thank you all so much.  I learn so much from all of you, and our similarities kind of break my heart, but I'm so glad you're here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What's the downside on letting this play out as it would have before of you hadn't stepped in to replace the blown engine? It's obvious what the downside would be for her: No car.  But what's the downside for you if you let her experience the consequences of her irresponsibility?

[Hopelessandlost]

Hello ,

My 27 year old daughter gave me a lecture a few months ago explaining that she NEVER apolizes for anything and if she does she is being forced to and doesn't mean it. I think that says it in a nut shell.

We haven't spoken again now since march when she took off with a soldier in the states that she met on line and married quickly after basically only an online relationship... .that is a whole story in itself. Her lastest bashing of me before she left involved herbreaking into my fb account and reading private conversations between my sister and I. My sister is one of the few people that I can talk to about all this to help keep my sanity. Daughter went nuts yelling about me talking about her,that I am the worst mother blah blah blah... .she is waiting for me to apolzie about a private conversation. Nothing about her hacking into my fb account was wrong in her eyes. And yes at this point as difficult as it is I am holding my ground on this... .it is easier now since she took off across the country and this guy is keeping occupied for the moment.

But in my experience it is always either me apolyzing or the incidents are simply swept under the carpet and life goes on till the next one. I have always been the one to back down after she guilts me enough. They have such a way of twisting things... .

Hope that helps show you your not alone, I am just starting to stand my ground and I am 58 years old.  It's not easy but I think we diserve it. ❤️

[Mom2Mom]

Wow - sounds so abusiveHave you tried to disassociate from her?
I have lived with similar abuse and trying to end my relationship with my 35 year old daughter.  Everything bad in her life is my fault.  I can't fix it.  I'm going to put the oxygen mask on myself first and release her from all this pain I have caused her.  There is a whole world out there filled with people who know how to treat each other with love and respect.  Blame and anger just builds walls.  I'm done.
Thanks for sharing.