Made a mistake - how to redress?

[takingandsending]

I spoke recently with my attorney and got some unpleasant news. I have been worried about my xw moving our children out of state, and he advised I establish a minimum of 42% custody as viable to prevent her, as primary custodial parent, being granted authority to make that move. There are many other factors the state would consider, but custody is most heavily weighted.

My attorney had visibility of our proposed parent plan, so I thought I agreed to what I thought was protecting my children from the potential of being moved based on uBPDxw's next solution that will make her life all better. Now, after closer look, my attorney tells me that despite having custody for majority of the day on Sunday (until 4 p.m.), it doesn't really count as she has 9 nights, I have 5 nights over 2 week period. So I am somewhere around 36% custody, not 42% custody.

So, he recommended that I go into mediation next week and attempt to gain that Sunday night. We have been in this custody arrangement since March 15, all agreements verbal and recorded by mediator, nothing in signed parent plan sent to courts. Our plan current looks like this:

Week 1: M, T, W, Th - xw; F, Sa, Su (until 1 p.m.) - me; Su night - xw
Week 2: M, T, W - xw; Th, F, Sa, Su (until 4 p.m.) - me; Su night xw

I have the children through all of the longer weekend interactions, am responsible for S11 getting homework done, and have additional time with S11 on M from 6-8 p.m. and T 6:30 p.m. transporting him to extra-curricular activities. Yet, the percentages don't work in my favor. My attorney says I can still be painted as weekend warrior dad and recommended proposing I ask for one Sunday night on basis of continuity for kids in getting prepared for school, completing homework, less disruption. But, our alternate week already has that same basic pattern, so I am not confident in this approach.

Looking for suggestions. Realizing I sold myself short as Lnl warned me against. Would appreciate some constructive advice going into this mediation. One bargaining chip is xw has asked for one weekend per month in some form of a trade. I am willing to give up alternate week Sunday time to gain a Sunday night. I can also sell it as one less day xw has to drive kids to school. (I used to take children to school twice a week when married, but now only on Fridays based on current arrangement).

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

This might be risky, but what about:

She can have the dates recommended, but you be awarded more custodial parent if she moves. In my state, that would be almost like giving you primary physical custody without actually stating it that way.

For a compromise: something like judge must give equal weight to both parents in relocation petition.

[SettingBorders]

I would try to go the way your attorney recommended you first and prepare the more direct request lnl recommended as a safety net in case that fails.

Isn't your S11 supposed to do his homework during the week? Maybe he can stay at your's from Thursday after school, so you can supervise some of his homework.

[HopefulDad]

Assuming nothing in your schedule changes, you can still do the following to build your argument against a moveaway:

- Double-check the custody percentage numbers.  Your lawyer's comment about the Sundays not really counting because the kids aren't with you overnight *may* hold weight or not, depending on the full wording of your custody arrangement.  If the changeover time during the other days is in the 1-4pm timeframe, then your lawyer's comments are understandable.  If the changeover time is much earlier or later, those hours on Sunday with you are significant and should be properly calculated into the custody %.

- If you spend time with your son on Mondays and Tuesdays, should a moveaway hearing be had then your lawyer needs to make the argument that your son sees you 11 days out of every 14 and that changing that would be very disruptive to your relationship.

I'm at 50/50 now, but I was once in your shoes and had the same fear.  My lawyer said that even if the custody order showed you with a small amount of access, the court will consider the actual amount of access.  Do whatever you can to see the kids on her days.  Build that record of access.

[livednlearned]

Do whatever you can to see the kids on her days.  Build that record of access.

This.

Everything she throws your way, take it.

And document it.

How worried are you about her moving away? How imminent and real does that threat feel at the moment? Is she talking to her L about it (that you know of)?

[takingandsending]

Isn't your S11 supposed to do his homework during the week? Maybe he can stay at your's from Thursday after school, so you can supervise some of his homework.

Recent example: S11 had to prepare rough draft of report on Ancient Greece, due Thursday. I pick him up on previous Thursday after school, ask about homework. He mentions report and topic he wants to do, but he does not have report guidelines. I ask him to bring them from school on Friday. xw picks kids up Friday at 1 p.m. from school (they early release), feeds them and does their instrument practice. I pick them up and take S11 to dance for 3 hours, spend time with S5. I ask about report guidelines - he forgot to bring them. I advise (boundary) that I am traveling the following week and cannot help him - he has to work with his mom to get report done. I really should have taken him to the library on Saturday, but I was traveling for work on Sunday afternoon and whiffed on that one. I come home Friday afternoon from travel for my access. xw texts that S11 did not do draft report, teacher is pissed, and she knew nothing about it. [Note: teacher had sent e-mail to both of us advising of report and when draft and final were due.] xw blames S11 for not getting it done and says she knew nothing about it. S11 tells her "There's a lot you don't know." I get e-mail from teacher asking me to help S11 get report drafted for Monday. I spend my Sa morning, night and Su morning helping S11 complete his report. Teacher is really happy with report. So no, xw does not ask, does not read school e-mails, and does not care until she gets a reprimand from the teacher - then it is everyone else's fault. Our school gives homework weekly, not daily. S11 is learning time management and, like most kids, he needs reminders, check ins and support. All me.

This.

Everything she throws your way, take it.

And document it.

How worried are you about her moving away? How imminent and real does that threat feel at the moment? Is she talking to her L about it (that you know of)?

I do. I update Google calendar for all of the extra times that I take the kids (including the few times I ask for support). She has spoken to her L and to the mediator about her moving. Not imminent, but always a threat hovering over my and the kids' heads. Maui is her thing. But she has also spoken about moving to some islands not geographically far from where we currently live but considerably far time wise, thereby cutting access for me and removing boys from their school and friends.

This might be risky, but what about:

She can have the dates recommended, but you be awarded more custodial parent if she moves. In my state, that would be almost like giving you primary physical custody without actually stating it that way.

For a compromise: something like judge must give equal weight to both parents in relocation petition.

Because she is already under the presumption that she can just move the kids whenever/wherever she pleases, I am concerned that a direct discussion about relocation will not yield compromise but will reveal that I am worried about this and angling to prevent it. I think I will try my L's approach first, and resort to this as a fall back if I can't move the time of custody. I will also talk to my L about my day time access and how to build the case for that. Currently, I am actually with the boys more during awake hours than she is. This will probably change once kids are out of school. I have heard others state that they could really be punitive with their xBPD spouses by giving them more time with their children. It's probably true in my xw's case as well, but I would never think that way because I love my children and want them to have at least one secure, healthy attachment to a parent.

[takingandsending]

This weekend, we will be building Greek triremes to create a model for his report. 

[livednlearned]

Because she is already under the presumption that she can just move the kids whenever/wherever she pleases, I am concerned that a direct discussion about relocation will not yield compromise but will reveal that I am worried about this and angling to prevent it. I think I will try my L's approach first, and resort to this as a fall back if I can't move the time of custody.

Ah. Ok, I get it.

It's good to hold your cards close 

Are you dating by any chance? Or thinking about it?

Would your L consider saying that you are trying to juggle your work schedule, and will be starting to date soon, and are grateful that your ex is willing to have the kids as much as she is. It really helps you out.

Just pop it in there and see what happens?

If your ex is like other BPD sufferers, it will be hard to manage herself and on some level, she will be wanting a break. Why should you get all the time in the world to date while she is busting her back taking care of the kids!

My L did this thing where she brought up the idea of me dating, just slipped it into a sentence in a hypothetical way, and that got N/BPDx so agitated he basically rolled back on Wed nights completely. He would pick our son up from after care, take him home and make dinner, then drop son off with me because he ex had important work to do.

Like get drunk.

[ForeverDad]

As LnL wrote, definitely accept any time the ex begs off from parenting.

Courts generally have one consistent pattern - alternate weekends.  It has proven successful in most divorces.Those careers that require weekend hours such as police, medical, and emergency services often assign "weekend" equivalent time to the persons' off time.

So although you get substantial time on both weekends, you do need one weekend all to yourself.  Reasons to substantiate that edit are so that you can have a full weekend for multi-day activities, various events that may be out of town such as visiting relatives, attending weddings, going to amusement parks, etc.  It's normal to keep the kids until Monday morning and just take them to school.  That she's already asked to have a weekend for herself means she see the need for edits.  (Of course she will ask for only what favors her, but you get the idea.)

Another idea is to seek a change of schedules to the 2/2/3 equal pattern (also referred to as 2/2/5/5).  For example, she gets two overnights such as Mon & Tue; you get two overnights such as Wed & Thu and then you alternate the three overnight weekend days Fri & Sat & Sun.  That's how that is done for equal time.  You could offer one (or both) of your Wed if she wants to trade it for one (or both) of your Fri nights.

Looking at your schedule here, you probably need both Thursday nights.  That's so you can ensure the children have all their week's assignments done for Friday due dates.  SettingBorders noted that about Thursdays.

[david]

I started with EOW and one dinner day. I documented everything and eventually just documented their school work. They did over 95% of all their school work when with me. I made copies of every homework. Signed and dated them all. Once exc saw my signature she did the same for the few they did with her. She never realized they why. I had three years of homework in a big pile. I had a single sheet of paper on the top with all the specifics. Total number of hw, number done with dad, number done with mom, number done incomplete and/or incorrect with mom. I had three copies of it all. In court you need one for the judge, one for opposing counsel, and one for you. My atty introduced it as evidence. The judge looked at the top sheet and asked ex if she agreed with the data. She had to either agree ofr we had to go through each and every homework for three years. Ex knew I was telling the truth and agreed. Introducing evidence is a procedure and slows the court down. However, judges MUST make their decisions based on evidence. If it not introduced, tagged, etc . as evidence it does not hold as much weight in the decision making process. I got exactly what I was seeking that time.

[takingandsending]

Okay, David. Will start down that track. It's tough because teacher gives homework on Thursday and collects on Thursday, so I only see homework from every other week unless my S11 remembers to bring it. But the incompletes are starting to add up with my wife. She simply leaves him on his own to do it, which doesn't work with my son. Parent - Teacher conference is coming up. I will have separate session and talk to my son's teacher about what is going on and ask if she can e-mail me the assignments. That way, I can have them on the weekends when my son is here.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[david]

I had similar issues. I talked to the teachers and told them what was happening.
Our youngest was in elementary school so they were more flexible. I got all their homeworks on Monday for the week. I made our son do all his undone hw when he was with me. It was a major battle but I didn't budge. Eventually he realized I wasn't going away. He complained that when he did things late they didn't count. I responded that he should do it on time and then it would count. That went on all of 2nd grade. Pretty much the same in 3rd grade.
In 3rd grade our oldest had karate lessons on Thursday and ex didn't want to take him so I got to see both boys on Thursday. Our youngest did his hw then too.
Document the incompletes with dates and who had custodial time.
Our school puts all hw online for elementary and middle school students so it is easy to track. I also got extra textbooks for my house in case our son "forgot" his book. The school gave me loaners and I also bought used ones on amazon.
I felt bad for our son because he had such heavy workloads when he was with me. However, it did help our relationship because he learned he could come to me for advice/help/etc. and he couldn't do that with his mom.
I tried discussing the school work with ex but she took the opposite path just to get to me.
Our youngest is now in middle school and pretty much does his homework without me getting on him about it. It took 5 years for that to develop to the point it is now.

[formflier]

Has she stated she wants to move or has this been hinted at?

My understanding of the process is that until there are hard and fast rules signed off on by a judge, neither party can move out of state.

Now... .she certainly can physically do that, but you would have redress through the courts and I doubt they would look favorably on the party doing this with the other parent "having no idea" or "saying no" and it never being "blessed by the court".

Perhaps you state is different, but I would continue to talk this through with your attorney.

I like the idea of playing your cards close.  You have a metric you need... .don't let her know that.  Figure out a way to get that metric... and then hold it. 

Are you sure that metric is real... .or is it a "guideline"?

Are there other things you can do such as therapy for the kids or joint therapy with you and the kids... .or perhaps even your stbex that establish your current location as vital to the care and well being of the kids? 

Basically so you can show the court that if your kids stay in this state (your current location) that they have a wonderful support system and will likely thrive.  Even better if it can be shown that YOU established this support system.

Just some thoughts.

FF

[SettingBorders]

She has spoken to her L and to the mediator about her moving. Not imminent, but always a threat hovering over my and the kids' heads. Maui is her thing. But she has also spoken about moving to some islands not geographically far from where we currently live but considerably far time wise, thereby cutting access for me and removing boys from their school and friends.

I have found that wunderful resource of information that I wanted to share:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vwQgxMzp3o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMeCjldLvoo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdQqp-Nrjm4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaFRMKCE-mc

There are some other interesting videos, too.

Are you dating by any chance? Or thinking about it?

Would your L consider saying that you are trying to juggle your work schedule, and will be starting to date soon, and are grateful that your ex is willing to have the kids as much as she is. It really helps you out.

Just pop it in there and see what happens?

It is very sad, but more than they want the children, they want to WIN. You don't need to make an offer, but some little hints here and there, that you are so glad to have some time for yourself might really help. I am not sure if "dating" is the best excuse, though, because that might put her into nacisstic rage and your potencial new girlfriend could understandably be seen as a danger entering her kids life.

My L did this thing where she brought up the idea of me dating, just slipped it into a sentence in a hypothetical way, and that got N/BPDx so agitated he basically rolled back on Wed nights completely. He would pick our son up from after care, take him home and make dinner, then drop son off with me because he ex had important work to do.

Ah, maybe "dating" works.  I will never get to understand the BPD way of thinking ... .

[takingandsending]

Has she stated she wants to move or has this been hinted at?

My understanding of the process is that until there are hard and fast rules signed off on by a judge, neither party can move out of state.

Hi FF. No she has specifically spoken to her L and the mediator about moving more than once.

I did speak with my L about this, and he asserted it is easier for her to move before parent plan is in place than after. After PP, my state requires notification of intent to move, opportunity for other parent to provide objection to move with supporting reasons, as well as a host of criteria for petitioning parent to meet to conclude move.

I like the idea of playing your cards close.  You have a metric you need... .don't let her know that.  Figure out a way to get that metric... and then hold it. 

Are you sure that metric is real... .or is it a "guideline"?

The metric is 43% custody, and as far as real or guideline, it is anecdotal from the L's recent experience. So, I am not sure, but I have something to aim for. I thought I had it too, but I will work on gaining the extra night.

Xw just informed me of more travel dates for her that I will pick up dates. My S11's T told me that he is the most relaxed and easy (in her observation of him in the waiting room) since she has started seeing him (2 years). She encouraged my efforts to ask validating questions to support him. S5 just told me he is going to miss me when he goes back to xw's house tomorrow. Hoping these are signs that I am moving in the right direction.

[david]

Our boys were 4 and 8 when ex ran away. In the beginning I suspect she was very erratic when they were with her. When I picked them up the transition time was a mess. They were bouncing off the walls for about 45 minutes. I listened and validated as best I could. Eventually the transition chaos lessened. That was 10 months to a year. Our youngest had a longer time to adjust. It does get better.
I think it is a good sign that that s11 is more relaxed. It's possible they picked up on the tensions, I assume there was some, when you were together. Having a stable place to go to really helped our boys. I stayed consistent with them and they became comfortable enough to open up with me. To this day ex has never had that kind of house.

[livednlearned]

Validation saved my kid from certain doom

I had to slow down my parenting to a crawl and be genuine with him about what his world was like, instead of trying to superimpose what I thought it should be like.

Before, I believed that if I focused on the positive, then S15 would be comforted. But when a child has a BPD parent, things don't work that way. They want confirmation that how they feel about bad events is real.

I think our kids stuff and suppress their feelings into pretzels and things get all bent and broken in there, where they feel more or less alone and anxious.

Your kids won't remember what you said, and they might not remember much of what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel (I can never remember the poet who said that... .apologies to whoever it is for paraphrasing their words so badly )
 

[formflier]

The majority of the decisions I make about my r/s and what I do are focused on the emotional welfare of my kids.

In my mind I try to enter their world... .get some kind of confirmation that "I've hear it right... ." and then be there with them.

D6 is (and has been for a while) my greatest concern.  She's always been "the emotional/stubborn" one. 

Many times she will be telling me the horrors of what a brother or sister did.  Rather than fix it... I listen... ask how it made her feel.

Usually when I ask if it made her mad I get the littlest... .tiniest head nod yes.  I then stick around with my hand or arm on her usually 5 or 10 minutes until she is ready to go do something else.

The "me" of several years ago would have asked how they felt and then very quickly asked what they were going to "do about it"... or I would suggest what they should do.

Plenty of time for action later... .      Now is the time to listen and be there... .wherever there is for them.

FF

[takingandsending]

I really appreciate your stories and words. My S11's T basically said that he is tender and emotionally, he is still very much a young child, more so than his younger brother. S5 (almost 6 now) is forceful and more confident. S11 is the twisted pretzel knot. It was so hard for me to hear his T say that his emotions are really not close to his age. I know it, but it hurts me. I didn't protect him.

So, when I hear the stories of kids who sorted things out, with the right support, it gives me hope. The boys are back with mom now. I am finding it tougher the last two stays to be smiling and easy when they leave. I both miss them and worry. I still try to encourage my xw in the positives she has with them. This is hard, lately, feeling how much I want to see them every day, not just 4 days or 3.5 days a week.

I saw my S11's school progress report - mostly good. Got marked down to "sometimes completes work on time" for first time in grade school from "always" or "mostly". 49 days, 0 absent, 17 tardies because my xw cannot get out the door without drama. I always get them to school a little early so that they don't have to feel rushed or anxious starting their school day. I just don't understand why she wanted kids. Why does a pwBPD want kids when they often have no interest or capacity to care for them? Are they still just looking to define themselves? Such a f-ing trip to lay on your children. I really don't get it.

I remember when we had a Tibetan monk staying at our house, and he was holding the littlest one and just so naturally loving him, and my xw started laying into my older son about something. The monk put his arm around my older son to protect him. Later, the monk asked me when I was driving him to the airport if my wife always had so much anger. I knew how bad it was. I just was so FOGged. Still am, in some ways. Sorry for rambling.