Looking for Theories and Advice (BPD Friend)

[SummerStorm]

This isn't about a relationship with a romantic partner, but rather with a friend who has BPD, but there isn't any other place to post, and my goal is to improve out friendship.  Today, I'm looking for some insight on some information I learned today.

So, I first noticed that something weird was going on early this morning.  I woke up, got on Snapchat, and saw a story posting from my BPD friend, talking about how her "hubby" (boyfriend of less than two months) had hacked her account.  Then, I checked Instagram, and she had changed her bio to say, "My other half is the better looking one.      So, go stalk him instead.  "  At that point, I knew she must be having some kind of drama with an ex.  This isn't exactly something new, especially considering the fact that she will block them on some social media but stay friends with them on others.  

I texted her a goofy question this morning, using Snapchat, and she replied with, "My boyfriend is going to start using my Snapchat account.  He is going to get a kick out of you."  I asked why he was going to start using her account and expressed that I was uncomfortable with that.  I don't know him at all, and how am I to know if she is actually the one opening pictures I send?  I'm not worried about the content, at least not that much.  But I do sometimes send her pictures of gay pride stuff (I'm a lesbian), and I have no idea what this guy's feelings are regarding LGBTQ issues.  This whole thing just rubs me the wrong way.  Her reply was, ":)unno."  So, I questioned her further and asked, "So, if I send you a pic, you may not get it?"  She replied, "No, I don't think he's worried about you." I didn't think he would be; it just bothers me that anything I send to her or post on my story could be seen by him, and I would have no idea.  

Another reason why this bothers me is that, two years ago, she got on her phone and pretended to be the guy she was dating then and texted me all of this terrible stuff.  Later, after she confessed that it was really her who had sent all of that stuff, she told me that her boyfriend would never go through her phone.  It was something she admired in him.  But now she's going to let her current boyfriend share her most-used account?  

I'm trying to figure out what her angle is here, if there even is one.  I can't decide if she's planting the seeds to devalue him because he's jealous (something she's done in the past), as she typically will start picking out negative traits not long after she really starts idealizing someone, or if she is creating drama about someone "stalking" her, so that this guy can be her white knight and "save" her.  I'm thinking it's probably the latter, but I don't know.  I know pwBPD don't use logic, but wouldn't it be easier to either make a brand new account or to block the person whom this guy is supposedly worried about?    

My next step is to just start texting her number, instead of texting her in Snapchat.  And I'm going to make my Snapchat story visible to everyone but her for a while.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

With a person with BPD you can never be sure what they are going to do, nor their intentions. Half the time they dont even know. She may or may not share her personally access with him, she may or may not have already, she may or may not advise anyone she is going to do it. There is no consistency. All you hear are her impulsive thoughts of the moment.

The only thing you can do is accept there is no guaranteed confidentiality, she is going to do whatever her impulse tells her in the moment, and you have to be aware of any potential possibility and get on with your life regardless.

If and when you are no longer "besties" she can and will use any information (embellished) against you out of spite.

[Notwendy]

I've followed your posts for a while, and my honest opinion- said with caring- is that you wish for more from this relationship than your BPD friend can give you. You've shown concern, consistency and loyalty as a friend - I think hoping that this will make some sort of impact on the friendship on her part. You truly value this friendship, and I think this friend does too, in a way, but she may not be capable of being the kind of friend you wish she would be.

This person is unpredictable, makes decisions based on her moods, engages in relationship drama. She may have some great qualities which is why you care for her, but she is who she is- she has BPD. BPD affects the most intimate relationships for a person, and even if the two of you are not romantically intimate, a long term friendship is close enough. Relationship difficulties can affect all relationships and you see how her romantic relationships are. You have also seen some of her other dysfunctional behaviors.

Decisions about whether to continue a relationship or not are very personal, and also vary according to the commitment. A friendship is a commitment, but not the same level as a marriage, or a marriage with children. People have to take all their circumstances into consideration, but it is easier- maybe not emotionally, but financially and legally to decide to end a friendship than a marriage. I am not telling you what to do, but you are in a position to consider what does this friendship do for you and what is the emotional/personal cost of it without legal consequences/

Sometimes a relationship like this can keep us stuck. From your posts, I recall you are a bit socially isolated and in an area that isn't as accepting of LGBTQ people as you wish. Yet, there are places and people who are more accepting. It may be that this person is one of the few people you feel close to. But if this is filling a need, it may be stopping you from reaching out to other communities- either online or even reconsidering relocating. I know of one person who lived in a rural area. When she relocated to a larger city, she also "came out" and joined some groups that had meetings for LGBTQ people- not just to find a partner but to meet people who she felt accepted her.  You don't need to end the friendship if you don't want, but if you think you are relying on it, you might want to consider expanding your friend circle. By focusing on your friends' relationship drama you may be taking the focus off your needs and taking steps to meet them.

It is sad to wish more from a person, but part of this is accepting the person for who they are. I understand how this can feel. I think I will in many ways wish my BPD mother could be the mother I wish I have. But she can't be, and so I need to accept that.  I may value things like honesty, consistency but my mother's moods are unpredictable. I also understand what it is like to value a friendship more than the other person does. Because I didn't get the kind of relationship I wished for with my parents, I over valued my friendships. Yet to the other person the relationship doesn't mean as much. I also consider that looking to a friend to meet certain needs may be asking more of the friendship than the other person can give.

How can you meet the needs this friendship fills even while being your friend's friend? Meet other people? Relocate? Online dating?