Self-esteem vs. self-compassion

[roberto516]

Or musical chairs with your selves 

Interesting, thank you for sharing that, Board Parrot. Have you tried it? Anyone?

It reminds me of an exercise in the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson, in which you dialog on paper with your "little one" (child self). I did it several times and found it surprisingly helpful.

I know it's breaking disclosure (if we are wise enough to figure it out  ) but I have done this with people before. You should really see the transformation that one of these exercises can do for someone else. Especially something as simple as the empty chair technique. I do it all the time on myself which really helps me gain some clarity into myself. Gestalt Therapy overall is really beneficial. Sadly it's not a really practiced therapy anymore but a lot of modern techniques were taken from it. Fritz Perls was onto something.

[heartandwhole]

I do it all the time on myself which really helps me gain some clarity into myself.

That's really interesting, roberto516 !  Good to know that it worked well for you, and that it's an option for dealing with the inner critic. 

[heartandwhole]

So, I wanted to share an incident that speaks to the subject of this thread. I hope any of you who can relate will share, too.

Yesterday I had a short, impromptu meeting with someone in authority about some potential work I could do with/for him. The person was helpful and nice enough, but two things happened that threw me into a place where I needed to practice self-compassion:

1) When we first sat down to talk, he confused me with someone else that he had been speaking to recently, but hadn't met, yet. He was very enthusiastic. Then he found out that I wasn't that person, and it felt to me that his interest waned quite a bit. 

2) He made a comment that I felt implied that my experience/education/background was inferior. (I may have read too much into that, though. He wasn't rude.)

I left the meeting feeling pretty deflated (for a lot of background reasons that I don't need to get into here). It was good for me to understand that the interest in my working for him wasn't there, so that I can move on to situations where my skills are desired and valued. So, that's the good news. The bad news is that the meeting triggered some old pain in me and my head started to do its dance of stinking thinking. My self-esteem had taken a hit.

So, I let myself feel the disappointment, did a physical practice to help me refocus (my head was still running over the options, events. etc.). Another voice in my head spoke encouragingly, seeing the positives. But I was still stuck. I could feel it in my body.

It wasn't until this morning, when I thought to myself, "I really need to let myself feel this all the way through, and give myself compassion" did things really shift.

I felt the disappointment (which was now hurt) in the middle of my chest as a heavy tightness. I began to realize that the mistaken identity that happened at the meeting touched an old wound of mine, which has to do with my relationship with my father (surprise surprise—the person I met was an older man with authority), and my core feelings of there being something wrong with me/I'm not wanted, etc. It felt like a very young part of me was hurting, so I pictured the 4 year-old me and showered her with love and hugs. Imagined holding her tight and spoke sweetly to her. Meanwhile I put one hand on my chest, and one on my belly. I reminded myself that everyone experiences disappointments and letdowns. Reminded myself to feel my feelings and be present and caring toward myself.

I shed some tears, and then got up to start my day. I felt so much lighter, and thinking back now on the meeting, I can't feel any hurt around it at all.

What I'm learning is that feeling our feelings is more than just feeling them    I think a lot of times when we think we are feeling them, we've actually not gone far enough. They haven't really been felt and processed, so they can remain stuck. That's fodder for another post, perhaps, but I find it fascinating.

So, this was my self-compassion practice for this week so far.    Does anyone have one to share, too, or any comments to make?

Thanks for reading.

heartandwhole

[Kwamina]

Hi heartadwhole

Thanks for sharing this. Sorry you had this experience that made you feel so unpleasant though but great that you were able to put what you've learned about self-compassion into practice

1) When we first sat down to talk, he confused me with someone else that he had been speaking to recently, but hadn't met, yet. He was very enthusiastic. Then he found out that I wasn't that person, and it felt to me that his interest waned quite a bit.

2) He made a comment that I felt implied that my experience/education/background was inferior. (I may have read too much into that, though. He wasn't rude.)
... .
I shed some tears, and then got up to start my day. I felt so much lighter, and thinking back now on the meeting, I can't feel any hurt around it at all.

When you look back upon the meeting, you no longer feel any hurt around it which is very positive. Do you think that your initial feelings during and after the meeting were an accurate reflection of how things really went? You later mention how the meeting touched on an old wound. When you look back upon the experience now, do you still perceive that man's attitude and the intent behind his comments the same way as before? If it hadn't been an older man with authority, do you think the meeting would have affected you the same way?

PS. Yes as Board Parrot I always ask a lot of questions

[heartandwhole]

Hi Board Parrot!

Thank you for your post and especially the thought-provoking questions.   I've answered them below.

Do you think that your initial feelings during and after the meeting were an accurate reflection of how things really went?

I'm not sure what accurate means, since my perceptions will be unique to me and colored by my view of myself and the world around me, but I think what you are asking is if I think he did, indeed, judge my qualifications as inferior and feel less interested when he learned who I was? It felt that way to me, but looking back, I might be able to say that he was a bit curious.   He asked me some questions, so that showed interest. And his comment about my qualifications was that they were "different" (he used an idiom), not necessarily "worse," as I assumed.

I think my prior experiences (of lack of interest) had colored my expectations of the meeting.

When you look back upon the experience now, do you still perceive that man's attitude and the intent behind his comments the same way as before? If it hadn't been an older man with authority, do you think the meeting would have affected you the same way?

Great question! Wow, I'm not sure. I still "see" the lack of interest, but it doesn't hurt. If it had been a younger man, I'm not sure if that would have made a difference or not. Maybe!

It's funny, because the other day I was telling a friend and her daughter about the meeting, and I said, as diplomatically as I could, that it seemed to me that he wasn't very impressed with my qualifications (none of which he has seen or discussed with me, by the way   and they both said right away, "He's not a nice guy." I laughed, because I didn't perceive him as not being nice, and then I thought, well maybe the meeting actually went better than I thought !

heartandwhole