Can't stop thinking about my replacement.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I am struggling so bad thinking about my replacement. I found her on social media this past weekend and she seems like another version of me. But new, and better in his eyes.

My ex and I have been NC since Thursday last week. Our last interaction was very hostile. He yelled at me and called me numerous names while I just listened and cried and let him beat me down verbally. Blaming the whole breakup on me and all the issues leading up to the breakup were my fault for not fixing them. I had one moment where I stood up for myself and when I did it got even worse. He told me how perfect this girl is and how I'm not. I was completely crushed.

So now while I am sitting here crying and devastated over the breakup, he is talking to her and probably feeling just fine. I know his true colours will show eventually but who knows what the girl will do at that time with what she knows. I was together with him for 2.5 years and we were planning on getting engaged, buying a home and having children. We were living together and saving and building for our future. A petty fight lead to him packing a bag for a couple days and staying at his moms. Then he officially ended it not long after.

I feel like all this time meant nothing to him... .I am so broken by this. I am so broken that there is someone else he is giving his attention and time to. How does he heal properly by doing this? Is it all going to backfire down the road? Does anyone have experience with the ex going to a new replacement and then trying to come back to you down the line? I will never get back together with him, not after all that has happened. But the selfish part of me wants him to come back one day and realize the mistake he made by leaving me.

[myselfandi]

Hi everyone,

I am struggling so bad thinking about my replacement. I found her on social media this past weekend and she seems like another version of me. But new, and better in his eyes.

My ex and I have been NC since Thursday last week. Our last interaction was very hostile. He yelled at me and called me numerous names while I just listened and cried and let him beat me down verbally. Blaming the whole breakup on me and all the issues leading up to the breakup were my fault for not fixing them. I had one moment where I stood up for myself and when I did it got even worse. He told me how perfect this girl is and how I'm not. I was completely crushed.

So now while I am sitting here crying and devastated over the breakup, he is talking to her and probably feeling just fine. I know his true colours will show eventually but who knows what the girl will do at that time with what she knows. I was together with him for 2.5 years and we were planning on getting engaged, buying a home and having children. We were living together and saving and building for our future. A petty fight lead to him packing a bag for a couple days and staying at his moms. Then he officially ended it not long after.

I feel like all this time meant nothing to him... .I am so broken by this. I am so broken that there is someone else he is giving his attention and time to. How does he heal properly by doing this? Is it all going to backfire down the road? Does anyone have experience with the ex going to a new replacement and then trying to come back to you down the line? I will never get back together with him, not after all that has happened. But the selfish part of me wants him to come back one day and realize the mistake he made by leaving me.

[jinglebells1989]

Ask yourself what kind of a person this guy has to be to do something like this with no remorse or regard to your feelings. These people are scum. it's hard to really believe that and feel good about it because of the good memories we have of them. In time, your solace and peace will start to come from knowing and being thankful that you aren't like this monster. You can sleep well at night and know you're a good person, whereas this guy will have to keep doing mental gymnastics the rest of his life in order to be able to even look at himself in the mirror.

[myselfandi]

Hi Jinglebells,

You are completely right. I just never thought he was capable of being this guy. Maybe I never really knew him at all... .I don't know. But throughout our whole relationship I always trusted him and he never gave me a reason not to. Emotionally I didn't trust him because he would up and leave out of nowhere but physically I never had to worry about another woman. I feel so blindsided by this revelation. I know I will become so much stronger from this. I know I tried my best to make the relationship work and because of that I sleep good at night. I just wonder if this will all hit him in the face in the future and he will say "what have I done!". He did that the last time he broke up with me a year ago, but I also don't think there were other women giving him attention to help move on from me.

[RomanticFool]

Hi myselfandi,

I'm sorry you are going through this and that you have been on the receiving end of such unjustified abuse. It is incredibly hurtful to think of our exBPDs who we have loved and cherished being so abusive and moving on in this way.

It is not personal to you. A pwBPD is like an emotional powder keg. If you imagine somebody dealing with abandonment issues, fear and resentment while having no ability to regulate how they react. This is what you have experienced. When they are in a state of such emotional stress, they cannot put other people's needs on their radar. Given that one of the traits of BPD is an inability to regulate one's behaviour and emotions, this is the reason why he behaved as he did. It sucks for you being on the receiving end of it.

I have just finished a relationship with my exBPD married lover and I have been devastated by it. The only thing we can do in these circumstances is focus on ourselves. I've had to ask myself why I was with a woman who was physically and emotionally unavailable to me for 14 years on and off. What was in my background that allowed me to accept what at best is negligence and at worst is abuse. For me the answer was because my exBPD mirrored my own abandonment fears and my own self destructive tendencies that I was drawn to her and I couldn't let go. The fact that she was beautiful and sexy as hell didn't help either!

Things may be different for you. Be good to yourself. Stick close to these boards and together we will heal each other.

[GuySmiley]

It sucks thinking about your replacement.

We've all been there.

A new and better you? Nope - you're just seeing surface-level similarities.

What do they look like? Are they better than you? Better looking? More successful? Funnier? Better in bed? You know they'll never love your ex as much as you do. No one will. But your ex has replaced you with this other person who now makes you feel devalued. How could they? They said they'd love you forever. You believed them.

You can't stop thinking about them. Them being together. Being happy. Moving forward. Moving forward without you. Moving away from you.

It hurts. It hurts like hell.

We've. All. Been. There.

It's horrible.

I'll tell you this though. My BPDex has had a string of men after she left me. It killed me. I was asking all of those questions myself over the years. Doubting myself. Feeling devalued by the one person who I felt valued by. The one person who gave me value. That beautiful girl who I was so proud to have on my arm.

And then I saw one or two of her new men. They weren't bigger, better, better looking etc. They were what could only be described as average Joes. Just average normal blokes.

Same now goes for her husband. A few years ago when I told her she wasn't happy in her marriage, she told me she was because her husband was "6 foot and good-looking." Nothing to do with who he is, just what he is - 6 foot and good looking. I was crushed. I'm not 6 foot and am average looking. For the past few years I've had it in my head that this guy is like some sort of James Bond-looking character. Well I saw a picture of him for the first time the other day. He is 6 foot, but good looking? Honestly, not in a million years - he looks like a proper dork. I almost laughed my head off, partly at him and partly at myself.

When you finally get to see who your ex go off with it's a real eye-opener. We love them so much and see them as these amazingly beautiful creatures, but in reality they're no better looking than you or I and that's why they end up with average people - because ultimately they really are nothing special themselves - it's just our own personal perception of them that clouds our judgement.

It's hard, but try not to beat yourself up emotionally by imagining what they're doing together because it's torture.

Do exes come back. Absolutely. This board is choc-full of people who have been recycled then cast aside again. They come back. In a couple of years when their current relationship breaks down. It's up to you whether you let them back in. And if you let them in just once they'll be back and back and back dumping you each time and destroying you more and more each time. So you don't let them back in. Ever. It hurts, but block all contact now.

And it's certainly not selfish to want them to want you back because they realise how much you loved them. You're allowed to feel that way - thinking about yourself, thinking selfish, hateful, hurt, revenge-fuelled thoughts are allowed. You've been hurt and cast aside by your love - allow yourself those feelings - allow yourself to think these dark thoughts and don't repress that side of your personality. You've as much right to be hurt and want revenge in this way as anyone does.

[myselfandi]

It is not personal to you. A pwBPD is like an emotional powder keg. If you imagine somebody dealing with abandonment issues, fear and resentment while having no ability to regulate how they react. This is what you have experienced. When they are in a state of such emotional stress, they cannot put other people's needs on their radar. Given that one of the traits of BPD is an inability to regulate one's behaviour and emotions, this is the reason why he behaved as he did. It sucks for you being on the receiving end of it.

Was I ever on the receiving end of it. I hate that so much blame and negativity was placed on me for things that happened in the past. Things that I thought we both wanted to move forward from. Its crazy how they can make you feel so worthless, break up with you and push you into the arms of someone else and then if you talk to someone else they are shocked and betrayed. It makes no sense! I feel like he was always testing me without even realizing it. And if I did anything to mess up he held it over my head forever. I am also confused because I read a lot of stories on here of ex's making you out to be a terrible person to everyone in their life. My ex was telling his mom and her best friend recently how great he thinks I am and that I was his best friend and we had so much fun together. Why would he be saying all these nice things to them and then to me he tells me awfuuuuul things and how terrible of a person I am. I'm sure he is telling this new girl all the mistakes I made and how I didn't deserve him. Just sucks... .I did everything I could. I thought I made him happy.

[myselfandi]

Hi GuySmiley,

You are right about the surface level similarities. Unfortunately for me I figured out who the girl is (thank you social media). It wasn't hard to figure out. It was one of the only few girls who liked his profile picture and she fit the bill of the description I got (age and location). I honestly did not go looking that hard and I would have stopped my search at that but it was SOO easy. So now I can put a face to it and it hurts that much more. She looks like another version of me in a weird way. I'm sure he is thinking she is the be all end all right now. Hurts so bad. I know I can't torture myself with the thoughts of them together. I see my T tomorrow and I'm hoping she can give me exercises to deal with the overwhelming thoughts.

I've already been through one big recycle with my ex so I feel as though we won't go through a second. I have 1% hope that he will come back. I know that is not a healthy way to think. I need to run while I can but the hopeless romantic in me wants him to have that magical ah-ha moment like he had a year ago. Problem is he has someone else now to occupy his mind and his thoughts so they aren't directed towards what I'm doing or who I'm with.

I am definitely allowing myself to feel all the feelings. It feels like a damn rollercoaster. One second I think okay I am going to be okay and the next second I am fighting back the tears. I can't wait for the day I can look back and say wow I am so glad I am past that time in my life and past this person who didn't deserve me. I hate to say this but I want to fast forward through the summer months just to get through this.

[Pretty Woman]

Not better. A shiny, new version, maybe but think about it like this... .

You were shiny and new to him at one point too. Once the shine wears off he will bounce to another. It's predictably unpredictable. This woman has no idea what she's in for. Anyone who can carelessly and cruelly dump uouband then put the entire blame on you... .

She will experience it eventually.

Now is time for you to work on you. I know you don't see it right now but this is a gift. Eventually you will see how lucky you are to be rid of his craziness and see things differently. It just takes time.