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Author Topic: Raising my kid alone since birth and she popped up after a year  (Read 341 times)
SingleDaddyO

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: May 15, 2017, 01:41:16 PM »

Hey everyone! Just looking for a little advice here.

Long story short. I was in a turbulent relationship for 5 years with my son's mother. She had substance abuse problems, in and out of rehab on my dime, and she was diagnosed BPD and schizophrenic.

I thought my relationship was oven when she got arrested back in 2015, but then surprise she was pregnant! She had the baby while in custody and I took him. She got out when he was about 2 months old and came back home, went to counselling and took her meds. Things lasted about 2 months because she started drinking and doing drugs when I was at work. I kicked her out when our son was 4 months and immediately filed for custody and won sole custody and she only got supervised visitation, since I had a giant stack of paperwork to backup everything.

Cutting to the chase my son and I hadn't heard from her from Mar 2016 to Feb 2017 when she finally got a phone of her own and contacted me. She made arrangements to see our son but never showed up. After a month she lost her phone like usual and I would get the ol I'm thinking about you i love you texts from random numbers. Late March she began texting and calling me at all hours of the night from random numbers. I think she wanted something because her mother (who I am 99.99999% sure is BPD too) finally kicked her out growing tired of her doing drugs and bringing home random men, leaving her homeless.

Well after begging me that she had no money but wants to come by I picked her up last week and let her stay one night. We flirted a bit, had a good time together, but that was all, she slept on the couch. Next morning I told her I had to take her back. It was too hard on me to see us all getting along as a family and that unless she wanted to clean up and take things really slow I couldn't have her around.

Well she didn't flip out, said she still loved me and it made her happy to hear that from me and how it was hard to resist  the urge to kiss me or wanting to massage my back. Talked about things we should do together and bringing up old memories. A week went by and she texted again yesterday morning asking how I am doing and can she come by because it was mothers day. I told her again unless she wanted to work on cleaning up and taking things slow I couldn't have her here. And she said she has no interest in me or working out our family. Told her it's best for her to stop contacting me then.

I guess they do come around again but ouch. Never understood why she was always pining after her other ex's but me, her childs father and longest "stable" relationship, nadda. Is there anything I can do to stimulate her heart? I think I handled it well. Took a day, but I don't feel down about it as I had a year to heal. Though, it is still tough at time as my son is the spitting image of her and it's a constant reminder of the family I wanted but do not have.
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Fie
******
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 803



« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 01:55:15 PM »

Hello Singledaddy  

That must have been, and probably still is, so hard for you !
Thumbs up for how you handled that.

Excerpt
it is still tough at time as my son is the spitting image of her and it's a constant reminder of the family I wanted but do not have.

Upon reading this, two things come to my mind.
First, you do have a family. As a single mum I do know the feeling of not having the family I wanted. After some time though, I started to sense that it's important to realize that I *do* have a family. Maybe not 100% the one I wanted  (but then again ... .who has); but I do have one. A small one  :-)  It's so important to realize that, because in our society single households often are still viewed as 'less' family then families were both parents are still together. Ridiculous of course, but still so I think.

Second, are you seeing a T ? In my opinion it can be important to be able to deal with the fact that it affects you that your son looks like your ex. Your son is your son, not your ex. He is his own person, and it's important that people treat him as such. You might need help doing that maybe ? (I can imagine it being difficult)
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SingleDaddyO

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2017, 02:15:14 PM »


Upon reading this, two things come to my mind.
First, you do have a family. As a single mum I do know the feeling of not having the family I wanted. After some time though, I started to sense that it's important to realize that I *do* have a family. Maybe not 100% the one I wanted  (but then again ... .who has); but I do have one. A small one  :-)  It's so important to realize that, because in our society single households often are still viewed as 'less' family then families were both parents are still together. Ridiculous of course, but still so I think.

Second, are you seeing a T ? In my opinion it can be important to be able to deal with the fact that it affects you that your son looks like your ex. Your son is your son, not your ex. He is his own person, and it's important that people treat him as such. You might need help doing that maybe ? (I can imagine it being difficult)

Yea, I didn't mean that I don't have a family, I guess I meant to say I don't have the family I wanted. I treat my son amazing, and realize he is not my ex, I was merely saying that I get sad on occasions when I look at him because it makes me think of her and wish we had that complete family.

I did go to see a T for a while and that helped me out tremendously. It really put everything into perspective and made me look at a lot of my own shortcomings and why I was so co-dependent. I worked on those things a lot and am a much healthier person. Doesn't mean I don't have my down days still, but I am not chronically depressed like I used to be when I was headlong into the relationship.
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SingleDaddyO

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2017, 04:14:01 PM »

Yea, so glad I am a year out on this. Today put everything back into perspective .

She called me today despite telling her were I stand again the day before, and she left a voicemail: Hey was wondering if you could send those photos of me and our son to my moms phone, thank you, I love you. (obviously using the i love you to butter me up when she flat out said never going to happen)

She kept calling over and over and finally left another voicemail: "F$%# you, you're just jealous and pissed because I wont get with you because I never want to be with you again. You're a piece of s&*t and you are just jealous of my relationship with our son."

Hah. What relationship, you saw him once in 18 months?

I'm totally done, what was I thinking even offering an olive branch and hoping she might want to work on our family after over a year. I just wanted to work on our family.
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