Still affected by the BPD episodes after all these years

[peacenow]

Hi everyone - I am happy to have a support group to turn to. It's actually shocking but I have never met anyone else who had a parent who had BPD. I have wonderfully supportive friends who have known me since I was a child, but I have only ever had my siblings and stepfather to talk to when it came to my mother with BPD.

I remember watching Mommy Dearest as a child and thinking "that is my mother". I later wrote a paper diagnosing Joan Crawford with the condition for Abnormal Psychology. Anyway, it really shapes your life to grow up this way and to continue to have this parent and their demands as you get older. My friends try and push me to disengage and not deal with my mother. There was a chunk of my life that I did separate and gain perspective and heal. I became "cold" to my mother and I was the scapegoat for a long time, but I preferred that to being emotionally up and down with my mother's episodes.

Anyway, where am I now?  I just had a daughter of my own and am a single mom. I moved closer to my mother and stepfather so they could help me if needed. Mostly, my stepfather has been here to help. My mother is too sick and too selfish to put me or my child above herself. And you know, I understand. She is not well. When things go wrong in my mother's life and she decides that she is done with me and says horrible hurtful things, I used to fall apart. Now, I numbly ignore it and block her so I don't have to hear anymore. And I wait until she is better and usually within a few weeks she sends a normal message. Lately, she has been off and I have not received a normal message. Her birthday and mother's day were this past weekend and she was nowhere. So, right now I guess I am just venting because I feel hurt and lost. I am not able to talk to my mom about how her behavior affects me because she takes it as further insult and just gets sicker now. (It used to matter to her). I feel a little stuck these days because I am relying on my parents for some support and am alone.

As a child, I was brought down with her whenever she went off into an episode. Usually, she punished me and attacked me verbally. As an adult, I had learned to become upset if she was upset even though I am not in the home any longer. The umbilical cord is a noose. I want to live my own life and be free from this, but I'm also afraid of what will happen to my mother. Her abandonment issues are severe and she has attempted suicide about four times. This is a long message and I'm sorry! Just looking for people who understand.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[Pilate]

Welcome, peacenow, and   if you want them

This is a safe place to vent and find support with others who are experiencing and have experienced similar situations.

A new baby, a birthday, a move, and mother's day are quite a bit to be going on with. It sounds like your stepfather is a helpful and loving person for you, does that sound right?

I'm sorry that your mom is not the support that you need. You are not responsible for her well being and you are wise to recognize this about your relationship. It is still so hard, though. Parents are supposed to support their children just like you are doing for your daughter.

Keep sharing your thoughts and vent away. There are wonderful people here and excellent resources to learn from.

[peacenow]

A new baby, a birthday, a move, and mother's day are quite a bit to be going on with. It sounds like your stepfather is a helpful and loving person for you, does that sound right?

_______

Yes, he is. I honestly don't know where I would be without him. He has been a savior. I don't know how he manages to live with my mom, but he says he loves her and he will never leave her. He definitely gets the worst of the abuse. I feel like I need to be here to support him.

______

I'm sorry that your mom is not the support that you need. You are not responsible for her well being and you are wise to recognize this about your relationship. It is still so hard, though. Parents are supposed to support their children just like you are doing for your daughter.

______

Yes it is so hard. My mom is not a mom to me 80% of the time. I love my daughter with every part of me and I want her to be happy and well adjusted and loved 100% of the time if I can help it. It makes me feel good to be a good mother when I did not have that myself. I think I have hardened to my mother out of anger for many years, but in this time in my life of being a mom I have become more sensitive and wanted to share this with her. She was doing well for awhile, but her recent illness has left us with no contact or care from her. No, I am not responsible for her well being. I think that is something that I will need to further repeat to myself. I don't know if every level of me believes it yet.

I am glad I found this place and look forward to the opportunity to learn from others and share in the healing process.



[/quote]