Parents Are Back, So We're Back In Dysregulation City

[WitzEndWife]

Lord, grant me the strength. My parents got back into town last week, after being gone for a month and a half to see my sister (and to get away from H's domineering wrath). It took about a day and a half before he started dysregulating, doing his usual whispering rant as he got ready for bed about something my parents had done or said.

I tell myself it's not going to be long until we're out. We're closing on our new house on June 6, and I hope to get him out and onto a blow-up mattress on the floor of the new place that night, if possible. Although, I know he probably won't want to spend the night away from me (I won't move there until I have all of my things with me for work).

He's already exploded twice. First, Friday night he started ranting at 3AM because he came home from driving Uber, and my father had parked the car a few inches over the middle line of the garage. At that time, he raged, threw peanuts all over my parents' kitchen, and kicked the laundry bin across the room, saying that my father was an "A**h*le" and going on and on about how inconsiderate they were. Luckily my parents heard none of this, but my mother inquired about finding peanut shells in odd places around the kitchen the next morning, and I played dumb, because I didn't want her to know how unhinged he'd become.

Then, Sunday night, my parents had closed the windows and had let the air conditioning run. He went berserk. He threw a bag of dog treats across the room repeatedly (I'm still finding errant dog treats around), kicked his laundry bin again, and began hitting himself. He insisted that my parents were "contemptible" and, again, used nasty names to describe them, and called them "snobs" and all sorts of things.

I told him to stop cursing, and I told him that if he wanted to call my parents names, he could leave. He said, "Fine! If that's what you want!" I said, "No, that's what you want. You said they were contemptible. You don't like them. So you don't have to stay here." I went in the other room and sobbed. He kept apologizing and trying to force me to come to bed with him.

I know that getting out of the house will help stop him from dysregulating so much, but any thoughts as to why it's getting so bad right before the move? He wasn't this degree of angry before they left. His rage is starting to scare me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

It's getting so bad before the move because he is afraid of change - even change he wants.  He cannot deal with the emotions and needs an external focus for them, and your parents, sadly, are an easy target. 

How much longer do you have to go? 

[WitzEndWife]

It's getting so bad before the move because he is afraid of change - even change he wants.  He cannot deal with the emotions and needs an external focus for them, and your parents, sadly, are an easy target. 

How much longer do you have to go? 

We have one more week. I'm counting the hours. Sigh. I think you're right. And also he'll have no more excuses not to put his heart and soul into working.

First, it was that he did not have a work permit. Then, he got a work permit and his excuse was that I'd lost my job and he didn't know whether we were going to move. Then, we moved, and his excuse was that he didn't yet have his permanent resident card. Then, he got his permanent resident card, and his excuse was that he was too far away from the city (in the middle of "nowhere". So, now, we'll be living in the city, he won't have my parents around, and he will be taking his real estate class next week. No more excuses. Maybe it's the realization that he has to grow up? Hmm.

[isilme]

Even without the loss of some excuses for poor executive control, it's a lot of changes.  And while he was miserable at your parents' house, some form of normalcy had been established.  Sometimes I think H would rather sit in the rain and complain about it rather than go inside to an unknown - even if odds are that unknown will be an improvement. 

Here's to hoping the week goes quickly, and that the new accomplishments he can make help move him out of this mode.

[Grey Kitty]

... .No more excuses. Maybe it's the realization that he has to grow up? Hmm.

YES. I think it is time for a realization. Not sure which one it will be.

Could be that he realizes he has to grow up.

Could be that you realize he never will, he will ALWAYS find or create another excuse.

  Hang in there. Good luck making it through the week.

[WitzEndWife]

Emotional "hangover" today. We had a knock-down, drag-out fight last night. It was BAD. First, I had consumed a couple of beers over dinner after a stressful work day (impulse control and willpower = completely gone), and then, right as I was about to slide into bed, H starts ranting about my parents. The A/C was on, the car was parked over the middle line in the garage, they're a**h*les, they're contemptible, and on and on. I told him to stop, or I was leaving the room. He did not stop. I left the room. Then he claimed that I wasn't being compassionate, that I was being invalidating. He just wanted to be heard. I told him I was hurting and I JADEd (I know) a lot. He made a big play like he was going to leave, then plopped back into bed. The ranting continued. I was crying. Things escalated.

My parents woke up and asked what all of the commotion was about. I told them that he thought they hated him. My father, invalidating, said, "That's ridiculous." H said, "Sure, they're telling you what you want to hear." Now this is not only a "hunch" H has, but a straight-up paranoid delusion. Awesome.

I was not validating, I was angry. He was saying mean things and wouldn't listen. I yelled at him, I scratched him, he hit himself, I hit myself. It was BAD. I've never felt so wretched.

I keep thinking, maybe I'm not strong enough to deal with this. Maybe I should just walk away because it's not worth someone getting hurt. My palms hurt from pummeling myself. I felt like a wild animal with my anger. This can't be good. I don't know what to do. I'm just feeling depressed and helpless.

[Grey Kitty]

  That is just soo hard.

I remember a time I got dragged so far into that kind of thing that I started hitting myself. It was awful. I swore I'd never do it again. And I remember the next time I did it, and the next time I told myself that I wouldn't let myself get pushed to the point I hurt myself. To date, I've not done it a third time.

All I can suggest is do anything you can to keep yourself apart from him--you know you don't have much resolve to accept an attack on yourself or your parents and not fight back in a way that will make things worse.

Cut your losses, remove yourself, and avoid saying anything more, anything that will make your marriage even worse. And also avoid hearing anything that will make your marriage worse.