my BPD spouse says she wants to terminate

[kabubi]

I did not get any answers to my first message.

how can I tell is she is serious?

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Kabubi:  
Welcome to the Community!

Sorry about some confusion with your original post.  Somehow, "sibling" versus "romantic partner" was chosen and your first post appeared on the board for "Parent, Siblings and Inlaws".  I copied your previous post in the quote below:

Hi all,

While not formally confirmed by any professional, I know I am married to a wonderful woman which happens to have BPD.

Just came from what was supposed to be a nice dinner out in family (wife and two daughters, aged 4 and 7). Suddenly one of the kids missbehaved and at the same time my wife complained that a family in front of us was watching her and my reaction in loud voice was that everybody is nervous here that then ignited my spouse and ruined the rest of the night. Few minutes later, as she was announcing me that she will go to the gym tomorrow, she was telling me that I should look for a sex partner because after she has sex with me the next day her body hurts so she decided not to do it anymore. otherwise, we should continue being together as usual.

As you can imagine, i try to explain her why this did not make any sense, trying to explain the difference between sex and making love and that at my age (54, she is 43), that was all I care about.

While at some point I understood we have agreed to go to see together a therapist to deal with these and any other issue, she suddently changed for worst saying that she does not love me, she wants to be by herself,  not with me, divorce, etc .  

This is not the first time this happened. Several times she abandoned home with our daughers after a fight. Then, in a few days, back to normal, wonderful sex, for example.  Today was, however,  more intense and direct. I really think she is not serious and this is not what she really wants but, first question for the group,

how do I know is serious?

second question, what should I do when something like this happen?

I read many times that a BPD fear of abandonment makes her do this only to seek validations of my intention not to abandon her.

I have no intension to do so. I love my wife and in general have been able to survive her rage attacks.

But all of this off course does not make me good (lot of stress and feel the blood pressure coming up) and specially when all of this is in front of the children.

Any help on this is more than valuable and if this is read by any professional in NYC, happy to pay you a visit when you have time.

I just praired to god for all the wisdom in the world so not to loose my wife. May be this was finding this site and through it the person who can save my family.

Thanks to all that have read this.
Kabubi

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Suddenly one of the kids missbehaved and at the same time my wife complained that a family in front of us was watching her and my reaction in loud voice was that everybody is nervous here that then ignited my spouse and ruined the rest of the night.

Is this behavior typical, when your wife is angry?  :)oes she stay angry for an extended period of time?  Try to punish you in some way?  How long has she held a grudge in the past?

It appears as if she felt invalidated by your comment, so she lashed back at you so as to hurt you. Invalidation of feelings in general, can cause a person with BPD (pwBPD) or BPD traits to become angry.

It would have been best to either not said anything about the people staring, or to just say something like: "I'm sorry that they are making you uncomfortable" or "I can see that you are uncomfortable.  Would it help if you and I exchanged seats?"

The lessons below could be helpful.


DON'T INVALIDATE (OR PROPER VALIDATION):
NOT invalidating can be important. You know the old saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all".  People with BPD/BPD traits can be very sensitive.  So, don't invalidate by expression, body language or word.  Validating feelings, can be a helpful tool; but, when in doubt about how to validate - just don't invalidate.  Validation isn't about agreeing with someone or validating a position that is invalid.  It is just about acknowledging the existance of someone's feelings.  You don't have to agree with the feeling.  They might not make any sense, but acknowledging someone's feelings can make a difference:    

DON'T INVALIDATE

LEVELS OF VALIDATION

ADDITIONAL COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES:
The links below offer some additional valuable strategies:
Learn to avoid arguing:
DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH SOMEONE WITH BPD

HOW TO TAKE A TIME OUT

Does it ever help, if you apologize, perhaps with something like:  "I'm sorry I was insensitive to your feelings during dinner, when you were uncomfortable with the people who were staring." 

Best to avoid conflict.  Give her some time.  Stop invalidating her feelings.

[kabubi]

well, I would not say typical. In the past, when she has threatened to terminate, there was an specific event that started the fire, such as things related to my ex wife and truth or alleged contacts with here (we have two daughters with my ex and two, god permit to continue like this, my current wife. There was none here. We were having a family dinner outside. ten minutes ago we hugged.

What I would like to have some guidance is how could I tell if she is serious. If you hear what she said or read what she writes and you do not know the background, it looks pretty serious. But as I said, this happened in the past and within days the situation was back to normal. the difference here is the absence of a motive other than the incident with the people watching at her.

Thanks for your answer to this and if you happen to know a good support group in NYC where spouses of BPD meet in person, I will joint right away.

[kabubi]

Does anybody know a support group in NYC for BPD spouses? Love to join tomorrow

[Naughty Nibbler]

Does anybody know a support group in NYC for BPD spouses? Love to join tomorrow

You might want to contact the National Alliance for Mental Health location for NYC.  The link below will take you to their website.  You can find a phone number on the website.
www.naminys.org/nys/about-us/

It's more common for people to find in-person groups that deal with co-dependency and general mental illness (as opposed to in-person groups that deal only with BPD).

There is a wealth of information here to help you learn about BPD traits/behaviors and the communication skills that can make things easier for you.

In addition to the links I posted in my prior reply, there is a "Lessons" thread, at the top of the thread lineup for this board.  Also, there are links to information/lessons in the right-hand margin and within the wide green band at the top of the page ("Tools Menu".  You might want to check out the lessons on the "Improving Board" as well.  The Improving Board might be a better place for you to post.

It must seem overwhelming for you.  Take it a step at a time and focus on learning something that can help. Have you read the information on ":)on't Invalidate/Validation" yet?  Do you understand the importance of "Not Invalidating" your partner's feelings?

You might want to consider seeing a therapist (who has experience with BPD), to offer you support.  Has you wife ever received treatment for any mental disorder, perhaps anxiety or depression?

[cantmoveon]

My partner would do the exact same thing.

A tense or awkward moment between us (something as small as a the phone ringing while I'm in the shower, or asking her to repeat a mumbled sentence).

That feeling of dread when I realized what just happened and what would come next.

Minutes later, the eerily casual conversation about other people I could have sex with, as though it were something she'd been considering on my behalf for weeks. I would just sit there, baffled silent.

This is an irrational stress-coping mechanism. The best metaphor I can think of is social bulimia. They don't want to sit there digesting the stress of a relationship. They want to trick themselves into vomiting you out of their life. Pressuring you into adultery is the equivalent to fingers down the throat.

I wish I could give you better advice but all you can really do is "lay low" while still being physically present. If you confront her she will scramble for an escape. If you avoid her she will detach completely. All you can do is try to be yourself and create an environment where positive distractions might snap her out of the spiral.