Why can't I face facts?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know if I am just stuck in the FOG - if I can't radically accept things or if I am just stubborn and hoping things will change.  Things with him have either been totally wonderful and connected or he is completely unhappy and wants to end it.  It literally changes day by day - hour by hour.   

I love him but I know that doesn't matter.  The emotional rollercoaster is taking a toll.  I am heartbroken - sad.  I am having a hard time taking a step back - taking a moment to breathe. He is not seeing his therapist - he decided he needed a "break".  He is stuck in a cycle and can't get out of the bad place in his head.  The place where he is empty - unhappy and sees no way out of it.  He says he needs to talk but that ends up spiraling out of control and I have to leave.  Then leaving makes me feel guilty and alone.  I know he can't emotionally support me.  I know that I can't help him when he is in a bad way.

I am feeling alone and sad.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  I don't know.  He said to me last night that he can't be at work - he can't be around me.  That he thinks he needs to find someone who doesn't have all the baggage that I bring.  I told him that I understand - it breaks my heart but I know that if he doesn't want to be with me, I have to accept that. 

Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me?  Why am I scared to not be in a relationship with him?  I don't know why I can't face myself and try to figure out how I feel.

[coworkerfriend]

I don't know if I am just stuck in the FOG - if I can't radically accept things or if I am just stubborn and hoping things will change.  Things with him have either been totally wonderful and connected or he is completely unhappy and wants to end it.  It literally changes day by day - hour by hour.   

I love him but I know that doesn't matter.  The emotional rollercoaster is taking a toll.  I am heartbroken - sad.  I am having a hard time taking a step back - taking a moment to breathe. He is not seeing his therapist - he decided he needed a "break".  He is stuck in a cycle and can't get out of the bad place in his head.  The place where he is empty - unhappy and sees no way out of it.  He says he needs to talk but that ends up spiraling out of control and I have to leave.  Then leaving makes me feel guilty and alone.  I know he can't emotionally support me.  I know that I can't help him when he is in a bad way.

I am feeling alone and sad.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  I don't know.  He said to me last night that he can't be at work - he can't be around me.  That he thinks he needs to find someone who doesn't have all the baggage that I bring.  I told him that I understand - it breaks my heart but I know that if he doesn't want to be with me, I have to accept that. 

Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me?  Why am I scared to not be in a relationship with him?  I don't know why I can't face myself and try to figure out how I feel.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't know why I can't face myself and try to figure out how I feel.

Hey coworkerfriend, One possibility may be that you can't face yourself because you are putting his needs ahead of yours, which is a symptom of codependency.  Care-taking someone else is a way to avoid caring for oneself.  I suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[Lalathegreat]

It is so hard to work on emotionally disengaging when there is still intermittent positive reinforcement and the glimmer of the person you fell in love with. I relate because I am struggling in real time with very similar issues.

I wish I had advice but it would be blind leading blind at this point. Just know that you are not alone and that what is happening to you is very real.

I suspect that you and I are similar in that we value helping the people that we care about, and believe  in some way that we can fix our partners if we try hard enough. When I ask myself this question if "why", this is the thought that continues to resonate. Sound familiar to you?

Hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

we value helping the people that we care about, and believe  in some way that we can fix our partners if we try hard enough.

Lala: Valuing those we care about shows empathy, whereas I would suggest that trying hard to "fix" or "help" our partners is a sign of codependency.  Sometimes the line may be blurred, yet I think it's a distinction worth considering.

LJ

[Lalathegreat]

LJ - absolutely true. I am learning to recognize my codependency and what caused it in therapy. That line where empathy and concern turns unhealthy is a complete mystery to me and I acknowledge that I'm unhealthy in that way.

But it's one of those "best intentions" problems. I only ever have good intentions and I suspect the same may be true of coworker friend from what I've gathered reading her posts. But thank you for the reminder that it's important to be incredibly mindful of that boundary and the way that crossing over that line becomes destructive to our own well being.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know if I am just stuck in the FOG - if I can't radically accept things or if I am just stubborn and hoping things will change.  Things with him have either been totally wonderful and connected or he is completely unhappy and wants to end it.  It literally changes day by day - hour by hour. 

I've got one guess here:

You are trying to figure out which one is the "real him".

Is he really the guy who is totally wonderful and connected?

Is he really the guy who is completely unhappy and wants to end it?

And the true answer is YES. He is both. Changing from one to the other hour by hour. Accept him as the maddening, changing, paradox; don't try to force him into only one of the boxes he bounces between.

[Lucky Jim]

Lala: One could say that it boils down to the Serenity Prayer in the sense that the only one you can control is yourself.  Suggest it's about letting go of the need to fix/help others, even with good intentions.  I would also suggest that care-taking is unhealthy for the care giver as well as the care recipient, because it fosters dependency.  You're right -- the same may apply to coworker friend.

LuckyJim

[HelenaHandbasket]

As the survivor of an abusive relationship myself, I always tell my brother (whose wife has BPD) that when he's confused about what to do, he should focus on his guiding star--the things he knows absolutely to be true.  For example: You know that you deserve to be treated with respect and empathy (because everyone does). You know that you deserve to be safe (because everyone does). You know that you absolutely CANNOT save or fix another person, and that change comes only when the person acknowledges his/her problems and makes an ironclad commitment to do the hard work to improve (a tough one for people with codependency issues, like my bro, but 100% true nevertheless--you can support someone through that process of change, but you can't do it for them and you can't make them do it if they're not ready). If you hold on to those truths and use them to guide your decisions, it might make your path a little bit clearer (if not any easier). I'm sorry you're struggling and I wish you peace.

[believer55]

Hi Coworker. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I'm thinking of you. I know we have to put in a lot of work validating, being understanding, almost doing a degree in reading and training ourselves to cope with BPD ourselves. I have read that we need to distance ourselves from the hurt we feel and not take things personally. I get this with the small stuff - the looks, the snide comments, the hypocrisy. But when it comes to verbal and emotional abuse I think that is a different story.

I believe the healthy thing to do is acknowledge our hurt and feel it truly but not get caught up in it. I have found myself spiralling down lately and know I need to do something positive for myself now to pull myself out of it. For a while I have to let uBPDh fend for himself and look after me.

I do believe the co-dependent term gets easily thrown around. I am a bit tired of labels and acronyms! Be kind to yourself, treat yourself, find time to remember who you are, what you like to do, what your goals are.

Best of luck xxx

[Moselle]

Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want me?  Why am I scared to not be in a relationship with him?  I don't know why I can't face myself and try to figure out how I feel.

This is a trauma bond. When we are pulled and simultaneously pushed by someone we love, it is traumatic. We don't know whether this is ending or staying together or what.

I have a bit of perspective after being out of it for 3 years. Though i now handle my mother's BPD on a part time basis . I would suggest that you be patient with yourself. Recovery is a process. Radical acceptance takes time.

As hard as it is, try to stand back from the manipulation. Observe it as if from a third person. It is all about getting a reaction from you. Don't give it a reaction. Try to define your boundaries, where your emotions stop and the other person's start. And stay true to yourself within those emotions.

Hope this perspective helps. Hang in there. It gets better over time.

[coworkerfriend]

Gosh, I can't thank everyone enough who took the time to post.  I really needed to read those responses.

I have had a tough couple of weeks - I had to have an emergency surgery and it has really worn me out.  As you can imagine, my pwBPD did not handle things well.  Actually, he was super supportive before the surgery but he completely lost it while I was trying to recover.  24 hours afterward, he was raging at me and telling me it was over - that it will never work out and I have to face facts.  I was too weak to do anything but lay there and try to block out his words.  He was furious and angry and said so many horrible, hurtful things. The unfortunate part is my kids witnessed part of this.  Before this, we had both shielded them from his bad periods. He has always said he loves them too much for them to see that side of him.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed that they witnessed him yelling at me.  I feel like I disappointed them and I don't know how to talk to them about it.  He has been in our lives for over 10 years - they grew up around him. 

Two days later, he was extremely ashamed and apologetic.  He told me he was scared and didn't know how to cope.  I listened to him as I always do and I accepted his apology.  He was on "good" behavior for the rest of the week.  He was open, thoughtful and caring. 

The following week, he had a complete meltdown that I was doing too much and not taking care of myself.  That I worry too much about work and it consumes me.  He started raging again - I immediate left and he called me 35 times in a row.  I wouldn't answer - I knew that nothing good would come from answering his call.  The next day, I spoke to him briefly and I could tell he was still in a bad way.  I ended the call quickly and he called me another 15 times.  He finally texted and asked me to come over.  He said he had calmed down and he wanted to talk. I went to his house later that day.  Again, the same apology and explanation that he loves me and feels safe expressing his feelings with me.  He said that he knows I won't leave him and he is going to find better coping mechanisms. 

Things were normal until last night.  We were talking about a small work issue and that plunged him into a depression.  He wouldn't eat dinner and went to bed.  I left since I knew things were going downhill.  He called me this am to say he is sick and staying home.  I know I have told this story before since its the same old thing.  Around 5, he called upset that he needed my help and I didn't come over.  I said he could have called and that was completely invalidating to him.  He said he was tired and hungry - I offered to come over and make dinner.  He wanted no part of that.  He said that again I have completely disappointed him and things aren't working out with us.   He made me promise not to stop by his house.  He said he can't stand the thought of having me around.  I said fine and we ended the call.

Part of me feels like I created this mess - I always accept his apology.  There are really no consequences for his actions.  He lays on the emotional guilt and I can't seem to help but buy into it. I am trying to take a step back and stop worrying about him and how he feels.  I don't want to give him a reaction - I don't want to keep living this cycle of raging and apologies.  I feel on edge now and I have to admit to myself that I have been hurt by his rages.  It is not ok.  I feel like I lost sight of my truths a long time ago.  I don't know what they even are anymore.  Since I realized he had BPD in 2012, I have been committed to learning and staying with him.  But I don't think he is committed to staying with me.  I don't know what to do.

[Grey Kitty]

Since I realized he had BPD in 2012, I have been committed to learning and staying with him.  But I don't think he is committed to staying with me.  I don't know what to do.

He is committed to staying with you. In his way.

Which is what you just described, starting good, sweet, nice, and wonderful, then times rejecting you completely, and calling you non-stop to pile emotional abuse onto you if you pick up the phone. Then to get depressed, not sleep and eat, and blame you. Then to recover, and apologize. (Back to the start)

He's not going to end this cycle.

You can take as many circuits on this carnival ride as you want to take... .but until you do something different, nothing will change.

  Take good care of yourself. I hope you continue to mend from your surgery, and I hope you don't need his help caring for you in any way.

[Lalathegreat]

I'm glad that you checked in - I have been thinking about you a lot remembering this post and how hard things were when you originally posted.

Every time you post I am struck by how similar our pwBPD behave. I will never forget the time I ended up at the hospital with an anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting, but HE had a cold at the time and went rageful and abusive that I couldn't be there for HIM the next day.

But I digress... .

I think the hardest part of my relationship WAS that sense that I was spending so much time and energy trying to figure out how to be a better partner for him,  but I had to "radically accept" that he could turn me black and walk at any moment for no reason but his emotional whims which were chaotic at best and downright frightening a great deal of the time.

It may take time, but I believe that you will eventually know what the right move is for you moving forward. I'm sorry that the process isn't easier.

Lala