adult child with bp and substance abuse living home

[meilei]

my 33 yo son has been living home and is now in rehab for 28 days. We told him he has to go to a sober house for 6 months and than get his own place. He has been out of work for a year.  He doesn't want to leave home (fear of abandonment I guess) and doesn't really want to go to a sober house.  He needs to develop independence and learn to stand on his own two feet however I am so torn as to whether or not his dad and I are doing the right thing.  He has applied for disability.  Also the sober house will help him get a job... .  I'm afraid letting him stay home will just further enable him.  I'm very torn.  When he is home he just stays in his room all day and doesn't do much of anything.  He has made two suicide attempts.  He is going for therapy for BPD but has a long way to go.  I really need advice.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi meili

I can see this situation must be very distressing for you. It's hard to not get ourselves into that FOG (Fear, obligation or guilt).  Your son is in the right place and he's starting therapy. It's very early days and I get the impression he's only just started rehab?  Or is he due to leave very soon?

You're right he does have a long way to go and there's going to be pitfalls, stops and starts for you all to handle. It's perfectly understandable that he wants to return back to his safety net and that you have very reasonable concerns about that too. These need to be worked through at the right point. Have you spoken to the rehab team so they're aware of his reluctance and how they help him prepare for his next step?

LP

[meilei]

I haven't spoken to his councillor yet... .right now my son is angry at his dad and me and is very uncommunicative...

[Lollypop]

Hi meilei

I can see that must be very painful for you. It's important to take care of ourselves. You know you're son is in the right place and it's up to him to take responsibility for himself. He's reluctant and he resists.  That feeling of being torn is horrible isn't it, we just so want to fix everything.

Are you visiting him or trying to reach out to him by calling/texting?

I encourage you to read up on BPD. Take a look at the top right hand page. This will help you, as you read and learn, your own emotions calm and change.

LP