We'll see how this plays out after she has seen Mr Wonderful in person in July

[Pedro]

Morning all,
Just a feeling a sense of sadness & feel like she is moving further & further away even though we live i. The same house. I feel & think now she is totally encapsulated & besotted with her new love & life she has not yet experienced in real life. My ex hates dentists & always asked me to go with her to appointments previously, as she has an extraction appointment this morning. Left her a written note saying 'am proud of you today at the Dentist's'. Am holding your hand in spirit whilst you're there'. Also added that 'you can text me as little or as much as you & I'll always b there if you need me okay? It's pathetic isn't it?
Yesterday morning long before she had her rant at me last night, she invited out for lunch in a couple of weekend's time, and she would like us both to go to another tattoo convention in August when she returns from her trip/holiday home in July. We'll see how that August day plays out after she has seen Mr Wonderful in the real in July first, her mindset maybe completely different after then?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

This is a difficult situation... .

Part of what is going on is that she has you and she is trying to win him... .In a round-a-bout way, you are helping her transition. She has very little loss.

You have made a lot of progress in advancing from "making matters worse" to being more "attractive".  But like many things, there is a fine line between being attractive and being a doormat. You are trying to walk that fine line. It's hard.

I think, if you stand back, its best to make it look (and be) like this:

• you are strong - if she doesn't want this relationship, you have confidence that there are others who would. I'm not suggesting you say this to anyone but yourself. It's true, build yourself up, stand tall;
• be fun and confident when the two of you are together in a give and take situation;
• don't be a golden retriever (unconditional love) - when she is on the phone or having a happy party with her phone mate - leave the house and go have some fun; Don't "mother" her at any level;
• start doing independent fun things - hard I know - but go to a dance - get on a dating site (have some chats) - do moving on things

I hope this helps. Be a great guy guy. Be a confident guy. Start moving on (this will get her attention) and don't reverse that if she sweet talks you (only if she drops the phone mate). Be great fun when you are doing things together. It's a hard line to walk for sure.

Does that help?

[livednlearned]

Hi Pedro,

What a touching note from your niece. You are so loved 

The pain we feel from loss is SO excruciating and I remember now how physical it felt, almost like having the flu at times.

I don't think it's pathetic that you are being kind to her. There are no manuals to tell us how to handle these situations and your relationship with J is complex and changing daily.

And as heartandwhole has pointed out, there is no certainty to any of this. Altho there is probably more uncertainty with Mr. Never Met. I know that is small comfort now while you are hurting so much, feeling her become more and more distant.

Use this time to keep learning about BPD, like you are already doing. The skills will help to rebuild your emotional strength and can be used in other relationships, romantic or otherwise. What a BPD loved one can teach you about yourself is immeasurable and life-changing 

LnL

[Pedro]

Thanks Skip & livednlearned.

Excellent insight from yourselves.

[Pedro]

Hey all.

Having a more positive weekend than the week mostly.  Have started running exercise again last weekend as I used to do regularly before I became depressed in the last 12-18 months. Up & out early doors 7-8am.  Told ex I'm going on my own.  Yesterday she begged to come with me, wouldn't let her go as I'm trying to do things for myself, move on more positive etc. She did not like it.  However when I came in from run she had run a bath for me containing Epsom salts so I could soak my sore limbs & joints.  She set out clean towels for me, made me a coffee for me when I walked through the door, she never liked making my coffees when we were a couple as she didn't drink hot drinks herself.  All these things she rarely did for me when we were a couple, it mostly always did this.
We give our cats rightly or wrongly (bad for them) a pea size smear of mayonnaise every day off our fingertips as a treat. Did this for our cats, then she said where's mine? 'Pardon' I said, 'where's mine she said'?  So I squeeze some from the bottle & put it on my clean fingertip, & she slowly sucks & licks it off my finger in a sexual & suggestive way. Unbelievable I am thinking to myself.  I kiss her on her neck which she always loved then I stopped. I was on my way out of the house to do some things I had planned, then she says gently I love you.

[livednlearned]

This is a good example of how being strong (e.g. going for a run by yourself) led to increasing attraction (e.g. she drew a bath for you).

Interesting that you did one thing (e.g. went for a run on your own) and she did four things in return (1) Epsom bath, (2) made you coffee, (3) sucked mayo off your finger, and (4) said she loved you.

Pretty good returns  

[Pedro]

Hey livednlearned.
Goes out for a run again this morning, she begged & begged & begged until I couldn't say know anymore so I let her run with me. Whilst out running she tells me she will be going home to Tx USA, as she wants to be near parents (getting older/infirm etc) as I have mentioned previously. Dagger In my heart but didn't let her see or hear me react just pleasantly acknowledged what she said. No mention of Mr Wonderful but he'll be part of the plan I'm sure? All big change from 2 weekends ago when relocating to other part of England, USA partner relocating to England etc. Practically it makes sense from her to move 'home', he doesn't have to move here, her family there.  But then when running she says 'I want you to come over & visit me when I move home'?  I acknowledge what she said but didn't give her an answer. Yeah I'm really going to visit her & her me replacement when she moves home, not?
Then I'm talking about wanting to compete in a 5km run or even half marathon later on this year. Again trying to be positive get fit move on from her etc. She wants to enter me into a race coming up in the near future. I appreciate the gesture & she wants to help me train, but I want to do this on my own.
She says 'I'm going to miss running with you when I'm home in TX' in July when she visits her parents.
When out running today she says she want to visit a zoo in the North West region of England one weekend. Well we both love, care for as pets, & support animal charities where we can. Our first date 6 years ago was at a zoo, she knows this when she's mentioning it today. I've been promising to take her to this other main zoo in North West England for last 2 years, but with working on our house & home in our free time, it's not been practically possible.
Also I know she putting out feelers to see how I'll respond to see  if I'm available  I guess?
This is such a contrasting message I've written from the immediate previous one      I posted. Tragic but true for both of us, such a shame, but that's life.

[Pedro]

Forgot to add ex g BPD wants my pet name for her  & which has no meaning to her BPD I'm not that sick, actually relates to a late English football player tattoos on her neck/back even though she's moving home. Didn't question he rationale just said okay that's nice.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

Also I know she putting out feelers to see how I'll respond to see  if I'm available  I guess?

Sounds like lots of feelers to me.    Funny how the "plan" seems to have radically changed in a relatively short time. Sorry I've forgotten: does the other man live in TX, too?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Good evening heartandwhole.

Yep Mr Wonderful lives in Houston, her parents live in Dallas Fort Worth. According to her 2.5 hours travel away from his place to her parents. Do you see my frustration from the 2 main posts I put out on the 21st May, along with I'm moving home but I still want your pet name for me tattooed on her neck/top of her back/shoulders? It's like multiple personality's I'm experiencing? I don't know if these are traits associated with BPD.  When she was sincere genuine on Saturday doing the special/kind things then does a 180-360 degrees turn around yesterday? So hard to deal with keep  a cool head?

[heartandwhole]

Good evening heartandwhole.

Do you see my frustration from the 2 main posts I put out on the 21st May, along with I'm moving home but I still want your pet name for me tattooed on her neck/top of her back/shoulders? It's like multiple personality's I'm experiencing? I don't know if these are traits associated with BPD.  When she was sincere genuine on Saturday doing the special/kind things then does a 180-360 degrees turn around yesterday? So hard to deal with keep  a cool head?

Yes, I do see your frustration, and know that I would feel the same. In fact, I DID feel the same when pwBPD seemed to want and need me the most right after he said he couldn't be with me (for the 3rd, 4th? time). It's very tough. That 180˚ turn was the hardest for me to handle, because then I started distrusting the 360˚, if that makes sense.

This is part of the disorder, in my opinion. People with BPD feel that whatever they are feeling in the moment is fact. The instability of emotions is also a common feature.  The back and forth is hard to deal with, but you are doing really well. When she gets back from seeing him in July, things make look very different.

Do you think you can keep going as you have been until then?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Good morning heartandwhole,
Firstly I am sorry you lost your ex partner in the cycle or circumstances you experience.
SECONDLY PLEASE DONATE THOSE OF US THAT CAN.
I don't think I will ever fully understand BPD & its manifestations can be slightly different to each individual  that experiences it. I will be able to tolerate it right up till the day she returns from the US at the end of July. My mindset will be to prepared as reasonably as possible for her decision to return home. Maybe if he isn't as Mr Wonderful as she thinks, once he's seen in the real, her ideal & what is actually real in person maybe 2 different things, but her distorted actual may make her still pursue him.
But I am doing all I can as you, Skip, livednlearned & others have advised, I am doing all in my powers to look after me rediscover me, make my that attractive funny guy she fell for, read & learn so much about BPD & if 1% chance we reconcile I would be better placed to look after me set boundaries, understand her thinking better, & enjoy have a better happier more fulfilling relationship that we should have had.
Thanks.

[livednlearned]

I don't think I will ever fully understand BPD & its manifestations can be slightly different to each individual  that experiences it.

I share this with you, Pedro. I sometimes feel I get BPD and then other times feel it is a true puzzle.

It helps me to think about my BPD loved one as someone who suffers intense (extreme) emotional pain-states pretty regularly, if not all the time, and these mood states overpower rational thinking. She does anything she can to try and soothe this pain. Unfortunately, her coping skills are not effective and can make things worse for her and for friends & family.

I suspect your BPD loved one is using Mr. Wonderful to soothe the pain she feels from her primary relationship, which is you. This is probably not clear to her. We can only hope that she will recognize what she is giving up when she experiences the reality of her choice -- traveling to Tx. Right now, she has created a scenario in which abandonment is minimized because there are two men supporting her emotionally.

The facts like heartandwhole mention are emotional. Her actions are driven by pain relief -- we do not often see the rationale because we look for logical explanation for behavior that is driven almost entirely by powerful emotions, particularly fear and sadness.

[Pedro]

Hi livednlearned.
Again thank you for your insight into my/our current circumstances. Whilst we were a couple I politely asked my ex numerous to seek an opinion on possible counselling and or therapy.  I didn't know about BPD during this relationship & I feel some responsibility for the position I found myself.  My ex's parents know about her condition but never let me know. Maybe and I respect it that it wasn't their place to let me know about their daughter. As she is an adult it is her own decision to let me know about her mental health history.  Whenever we returned  from visiting her parents 3times over 6 years approximately, at Dallas Fort Worth airport on the way back to England, her Mum would always say 'please look after my *****'?  Well I tried my very best but I feel like I let them down also.

On a slightly different note my ex asked me to attend a half marathon event in North West England staying in the same hotel for 2 days different rooms.  Have booked Friday off as a holiday day to travel there, but I mentioned to her that I plan to go into the city near to where we live alone to do some clothes shopping, & treat myself to some lunch.  She begged, begged & pleaded to come with me but I refused. She got annoyed & upset with me.  When we were a couple we would go into the city every 4-6 weeks during the day at weekends, having lunch, haircuts, clothes shopping, walking around parts of the city appreciating the old Victorian architecture & buildings.

Just asked my brother to mind our home & feed the cats for a couple of days whilst we are away and he is disgusted that I am even going to this event with her.  He & the rest of my immediate family do not like the way she has treated me in terms of ending the relationship, how it has affected me in terms of being the caretaker, nurturer, supporting giving it my all to her, yet when I was depressed in the last 12-18months, they felt she could have done more.  Without getting into a massive conversation about the dynamics of my ex relationship with a person with BPD. She supported me in other ways in terms of getting our home refurbished & decorated. I don't have the stomach to try & explain the complexities of a relationship with a partner with BPD. I know they love me & are looking out for me & trying to protect me from any further pain & heartache. Without them reading literature website based information such as which your charity here supports, they think I am trying to defend the indefensible which I am not.  They are not happy how I am dropped after 6 years, I understand that.  I accept things are over, trying to move on day at a time. I am only at a basic level trying to educate them my family what I experienced in the relationship without going into too much detail. It's about trying to make them see somebody has a mental health illness, but I also recognise my ex could have sought treatment but chose not to, & I decided to continue with that outcome. I understand my family having my best interests at heart & seeing their Son & Brother unhappy, hurt & upset, but I am an adult who has full mental capacity to make decisions & I made the decision to stay in the relationship. (Maybe the site moderator thinks this should be a new thread or not)?
Thanks for reading everybody.

[Pedro]

Congratulations Mr Wonderful Houston.

I accept defeat. You've won. (This is me accepting to myself so I can get my head around the outcome now of what will be when My ex returns from TX at the end of July).

Return home here from staying at my Mum's house for the last few nights whilst looking after her also. Am cleaning the dishes & My ex comes downstairs from having her bath & gives me a massive hug, so I reciprocate like a jerk as usual but this time she hugs me hard & tight for welt felt like the best part of 2 minutes & tells me how excited she is about us travelling to another part of North West England for the 5k, 10k, half marathon weekend.  So we will be way together for 2 days in the same hotel, my brother is minding the cats for us under duress as he hates the idea of us going away now as I commented on in my previous post.

So she's still on Skype to him for hours at a time, I woke up to go to the bathroom at 4.30 am this morning & she's on Skype to him again, (6 hours behind us time zone).  Sorting out clothes to pack for the weekend in our old bedroom, & the 'I love you' greetings card has resurfaced to the bedside table GREATTT!

On the outside I will continue to practice what Skip, Heartandwhole, Livednlearned & others have advised/suggested to try & save the relationship, but privately I will accept it is over (it's not bloody fair but life isn't fair is it)? Hey people I keep taking the sucker punches good old Pedro that's me.

[Pedro]

Sorry people for being pitiful, selfish feeling sorry for myself.  Committed to going to this running convention for this weekend. Ex & I booked this hotel late last year when still a couple, but I chose to go this weekend so will, but having heard what ex has said today, I won't do any further things together.

 When we were in the car doing some clothes shopping before travelling today she says "see we can be friends can't we, we're doing okay", & pats my leg whilst I'm driving.  I say "I can't & I don't want to talk about it okay"?  She then asks "are you coming over to TX to visit me  when I move home there"?  I say "I can't because you have will have your life & your partner once you're settled there.  Because of the way I feel about you I can't visit you as friends", plus I hate her partner & because he has My ex.

Then she says "what I will never see or speak to you ever again, is that it"?  I said "yes".  She says "when I come over to England can we meet up"?  I say "no I don't want to meet up with you & your partner thank you".  She says "well I'll meet you on my own without my boyfriend being there"?  Again I say "no I don't want to do that because of how I feel about you okay"?

She says  "well who knows how things are going to turn out in future, it might not"?  I respond with "yes it's a strange old world, we don't always know what's going to happen, or predict the future in the grand scheme of things"?

I know in my heart of hearts once things have been finalised,  the sale of the house & she moves home to TX, I cannot stay in touch with her because of the way I feel. She didn't like that I challenged her to say no when the thinks it's okay to be friends & meet up as friends. I'm sorry everybody I'm not capable of doing that, plus I don't want to.

When we were out today she kept calling me Hun or darling, well id don't want to hear it anymore it's too painful.

[heartandwhole]

You don't have to do that, Pedro. You have every right to your feelings, and if it's too painful to continue as friends, you don't have to.   Honor what is right for you. Your ex is telling you what she wants to happen in the future, but her feelings may change -- you've been there. She would probably like everything to stay exactly as it is, but we all know it won't and can't.

I would keep doing what feels good and acceptable to you, and not focus too much on the future. Things may be very different when she comes back from TX. You are growing and changing, too. If you can, enjoy this time with her. I know it's hard.

At one point PwBPD wanted us to be roommates while he continued his relationship with his ex.   After what we had been through, I said that wouldn't work for me. You can tell her matter-of-factly what does and doesn't work for you, without a trace of anger. And if you feel angry, you can communicate that you feel angry without blaming her for it. These are skills that will serve you for the rest of your life. And you don't have to get it "right" every time. Lord knows I don't.

Hang in there. We're walking with you.  

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

I would keep doing what feels good and acceptable to you, and not focus too much in the future. Things may be very different when she comes back from TX. You are growing and changing, too. If you can, enjoy this time with her. I know it's hard

Thanks heartandwhole.  It's so bloody frustrating I cant even enjoy this time with her because I know I wont get the outcome I want ( to reconcile).  We're in the city early this evening picking up run packs for tomorrow, & she's saying "I'm having a lovely time here with you being with you, I would have been miserable here on my own".  She goes on to say how we're going to do this and do that" i.e. going out for a nice meal, going on a boat on the harbour dock, eating ice cream in the rare warm English sun we're having right now. You know it almost feels like a date walking around the city laughing joking looking at the funny quirky things that used to always make us both laugh together, both looking at each other like we used to do her gorgeous brown eyes, kissable lips & mouth, hair clips taking her fringe off her face that she knows I always liked that look on her. We're doing everything bar holding hands & being affectionate. It's so near yet so far, a million miles away more like?
Thanks heartandwhole.

[Pedro]

Well just an update,
Thought she had altered the hotel reservation for separate rooms but she hadn't. We are sharing the same room & the same king size bed but nothing intimate is happening. We are so close yet so far. I don't think her boyfriend would be too happy if he knew?  Neither of us can sleep too well tossing & turning. She keeps asking me "what's up are you okay"? Well I can't just spurt out everything I want to say that I've shared with your good selves for the last 4 weeks can I?. She comes over to my side of the bed a couple of times pressing her head closely against mine, it's not bloody fair.  Then a few times she leaves the room to speak to her other half on the corridor time zone 6 hours difference. Greaaaaat.

[Pedro]

Completed my first 5km run today which I dedicate to the victims of the Manchester bombing incident.

Also here to support My ex while she completes her 2 runs this weekend.  She's been close touchy feely at the start line, holding and gently squeezing may hand, gently putting her head into mine & nuzzling my ear with her face, this affection is killing me knowing there is somebody else.  Telling me how proud she is of me & for being here with her this weekend for the running festival.  

We take some pictures of each other with our own respective cell phones, then she takes a few selfies of us both on my phone, & if she could just see how we look in the pictures, there's just genuine closeness, love from me (maybe her who knows)? This is so bloody hard to do, & part of me is deliberately doing this so in hope when she goes home in July she may reminisce & reflect of what she had & could still have?      

[Pedro]

Came back to hotel room after 2 hour walk around the city. Give her a break from me being in same hotel room cooped up together. Anyhow she is weeping & wailing whilst lying on the bed. I ask what's wrong. Eventually she opens up, Mr Wonderful hadnt phoned her in over 2 hours as he was supposed to. Really distressed I'm telling her not to feel a index it's okay to feel the way you do. He will call give him time etc etc. After half an hour he rings, so she's all happy now.

[Pedro]

Sorry need to amend previous post. I said to ex "no feel to abandonment or abandoned, he isn't doing that he will contact you". I empathised with her, tried to challenge her thought pattern with as she was highly emotional. Sure enough he did contact her.  I really wanted it to be over between them, but that is my own selfishness coming through which isn't healthy is it? Ex has now started observing me using my laptop or iPhone more than usual.  She wants to know if I have a new girlfriend which I don't.  I tell her I am doing "stuff" for me which is private & personal to me. Yes it is about her also, but I would never tell her what is going on here on BPD family.

All I have said which I put to her & the reply which I could have got could have been anger, emotion resentment, is that "I understand how you feel & think more now which I was unable to do when we were together, & for that I am sorry Hun".  She replies I worry about you". I ask her not to worry, I'll be okay in time, in context of dealing with this breakdown. Sorry to give you all a microscopic breakdown or running commentary of what's going on here, if it's too much please let me know?
Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Pedro,

Something similar happened to me when pwBPD came to see me (in another country) and couldn't get in touch with his ex, who was in yet another country on holiday. He became upset and anxious, and I did what you did.  It's not an easy position to be in. You are handling this really well.

Don't worry about being selfish. You have a right to feel what you feel. It's natural to want your ex all to yourself. You don't have to apologize for or justify feeling that way. I hope you are extending the same empathy and kindness to yourself that you are generously giving your ex. 

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Am trying to be selfish & put me first heartandwhole but it's not naturally me but I'm trying. I know she's made me codependent & I really resent her for that after all I have done to support her. You only find this out during either a temporary separation or complete breakup. Unfortunately the reverse of my replacement me will get my ex on a permanent basis, as opposed to your ex partner with BPD. Head is preparing for that but heart will take years for that scenario. Having an alcoholic drink in the hotel bar whilst she's all loved up in her room. To be able to see somebody in meltdown this afternoon & understand better having listened & learned through yourselves here, it can comprehend now what sufferers go through, it still saddens me with everyone in the world with BPD. My ex reminded me today she is still having her pet name tattood on her neck. Enjoy explaining that to Mr Wonderful hope he likes it hahaha (sarcastic laugh) sorry sveryone.

[Pedro]

Well well well what a day.
Final day at the marathon festival with my ex... Walk with her to her zone near the starting line. Stand with her on the other side of the barrier to where she is. She must give me a hug not to exaggerate for over 5 minutes before race starts. Keeps holding my hands her gesture not mine, keeps thanking me for giving her motivation to do 1/2 marathon as her fitness levels are low following foot surgery this January. Keeps holding me tight right up to start of race then says out loud "I love you", I respond with same words.

After race finishes she thanks me for shouting good luck/well done messages at the finishing line. Then after collecting her medals we walk back to hotel & all the way back which is 20 minutes away she grabs my hand & holds it constantly like we used to do as a couple. Was very surprised & still now hours later don't know what to make of her behaviour.  Whilst eating a diner style meal which she insisted treating me to for the support I've given her all weekend. During the meal she wishes things were different like we used to be when we were a couple?  We have got on so well this weekend, had a lot fun. laughs & giggles at the same old quirky things that we always did. Yes we shared the same hotel bed but nothing intimately nor did I expect it to.  So an hour & half drive home it was pure bliss/heaven like we used to be.

Then reality sets in, has her bath, then stays upstairs in the bedroom catching up with Mr Wonderful for the last few hours. Ah well that's life, am proud of my own achievements in running & completing a race myself, building up my own fitness levels, & potentially longer distance race running later on in the year dependant on my own training & preparation. Doing something for me for the first time in years.

[Pedro]

So having been home for a couple of days since weekend away at running marathon I have tried to reflect on ex gf's behaviour. She continues to speak for hours every day with Mr Wonderful, but allowing ourselves to share a hotel bed all be it non Contact intimately. She grabs my hand and holds it constantly whilst walking around the city. She tells me she loves me numerous times, hugs and holds me tight for prolonged periods & kisses my neck numerous time. Calls me by pet names. It's like she lets her guard down or maybe reveals her true self and feelings when she does this, or wanting to say or do these things with Mr Wonderful, I'm a substitute till they meet up in July? . For the record she instigated all these gestures & words, she approached me without any prompting or open ended gestures from me. Very confusing?
Is she trying to see how I'll react to see if still interested? Is she devising a possible back up plan if it doesn't work out with Mr Wonderful? Is she trying to control her destiny over me keeping me interested if other things fails?
Any thoughts, thanks?

[heartandwhole]

Pedro, I have some experience with this kind of thing, too, and it IS confusing.

Is she trying to see how I'll react to see if still interested? Is she devising a possible back up plan if it doesn't work out with Mr Wonderful? Is she trying to control her destiny over me keeping me interested if other things fails?
Any thoughts, thanks?

It could be any of these reasons, or none of them. We can't get inside her head, unfortunately.  I wouldn't be surprised if she is attempting to hold on to the emotional security that you provide. She has made some pretty big plans for change. They might be making her nervous. Leaving and taking up with someone else, no matter how "wonderful," is a risk and she knows that once she leaves, you won't be around. That's a big loss looming in the future.

Have you had a conversation with her about trying to revive your relationship?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.
I have asked her a couple of times in the last 5-6 weeks but she won't discuss it. She said when we broke up she wants to be happy again. She says she can't get past me reaching out to an ex via emails for advice because she wouldn't do use us or her BPD. She says she can't trust that I'll leave her if this other person was around but I wouldn't, I was despair ate to talk to someone and ex gf BPD wouldn't talk. I was in a desparate place but reached out to wrong person. Just done everything you Skip & others advised to try. Frustrating but that's life. Left her be, she asked me to go to tattoo shop with her yesterday but politely refused after her asking 4 times. Doing my boundaries & not agreeing to everything she wanted to do when together. When I start doing more runs half marathons she wants to start supporting me before she moves homes whenever but we'll see?

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.

Thanks for your advice & insight again.  Am staying at my Mum's house for the next 3 evenings whilst my brother works away with his job. Also she had a TIA recently which is being investigated medically, so to give her reassurance I stay here when youngest brother's away every week. She's so angry with me going away for the weekend with ex gf with BPD as she wants me to move on from her.  You know I'm 46 years old & I cannot live my life as I see fit.  Between my ex gf with BPD, my 2 brothers, my mum & my sister, who want me to move on, I may as well do it & make everyone else happy? Just hypothetically say we were to reconcile, my family I feel would only tolerate my ex gf for my sake & out of respect for me. They wouldn't love or like her or spend time with her like they did in the past. So I'm in a lose lose scenario. We don't reconcile I'm miserable unhappy for years to come until I get over it, but reconcile & my family are unhappy which will bother me subconsciously?

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.

Forgot to say that as much as it bothered me seeing my ex implode over the weekend when Mr Wonderful didn't ring for 2 hours past the time he was to ring her, & I was able to use my basic skills learned here, & she returned to baseline after we spoke then he rang eventually. I will not share with my ex gf the learning I have done here & support yourselves have given also. He can pick up the mantle of support & see how he fairs with her BPD condition. It will be my bloody luck that she will go down the therapy route with him?

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Pedro

I have been following the thread but havent chimed in before. First of all I want to say I am in awe of how well you are handling this. Very inspiring to follow, you have a heart of gold. I dont want to plant false hope in you so Ive been debating if I should tell you this but I have watched two very close friends go through similar. One admittedly has BPD traits (but worked through them) and I think the other does too. Long story short they both went back to their husbands (one was then boyfriend).

I also wanted to share with you that I am personally going through sending off a loved one to go back to live in another country. In my case its my mother and I desperately need space from her but now that the moment of goodbye has come frustrations disappear, all the love comes pouring out and the memories of good times together combined with sadness and anxiety of separating. I am convinced this is already happening or will happen, to your pwBPD. It is very hard to go through both moving away from or being the one who stays behind. I know she will return from the july trip but both your realities will be different. You will have gotten space from her to heal and process for the first time since the breakup while for her this is the trip she will meet this person who this far she only has a conversational relationship with. I dont want to generalize about online/phone relationships but it is not uncommon that people find the reality different and disappointing. She will also have enough time with relatives to remember the good and bad about everyone. When we are far away its easy to idealize people and remember only the good stuff. You will be that person at some point too of course.

I apologize in advance if I am repeating anything that others have said here, I have checked in sporadically and only remember the big picture.

Your ex clearly still has lots of feelings for you. While she is a pwBPD shes also a person just like us and goes through the same things. I personally dont think theres anything wrong with simply asking her why she still keeps touching you affectionately but maybe the more advanced members on the board would be better to advise on that.

Lastly on the issue of your family vs your pwBPD: My mother (who is now leaving), was very hostile with my pwBPD but has now completely made a u turn and is being very sweet and supportive to him. I educated her a lot on BPD and she says that is what made the difference for her. While I am aware that its better to have privacy, it has taken a load off me and eliminated the triangulation element in my life which was literally driving me nuts for a while.

Ive been wanting to ask you if you have any knowledge or insight into if Texas guy (I refuse to call him Mr Wonderful) knows of her BPD? Also as a side note he must be dying on the inside every time he knows you are spending time together.

IMO you have more leverage than you sometimes realize... .Just sayin.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pedro]

Hey there.

Thank you for your comments. I've accepted its over much as I don't want to. Slowly but surely I put some space between us.  She thinks I'm been off with her but I'm not.  I am not privy to her phone  calls, messages, Facebook emails texts etc. I don't know anything about him. Mr Wonderful was a sarcastic name I came up with. He doesn't about her BPD that I know of? I don't know if he knows about me or not & I genuinely do not care if he does. I sincerely don't care if he doesn't like it if I'm here in my own house cohabiting with my ex. His problem. If he wants her to move out fine? I'm not bitter about it I'm taking care of me, tried to educate my family about my ex's illness but they say I'm making excuses for her as if I'm in denial about not moving on. I'm trying to move on I'm 99.9% sure we wont reconcile. I keep trying to tell anyone who'll listen I am a relatively simple, limitedly educated, not clever, not intelligent person, & that has been taken advantage of by friends, family, employers etc. in the past. I can't help how I'm made. Ex gf with BPD has to approach me to reconcile but I know it won't happen she wont address counselling therapy etc, so cycle will repeat itself. As I keep saying when ex gf is in good happy phase she is amazing wonderful, caring, happy loving person who was my soulmate life partner. She's moved on good luck to her & him, they'll both need it. Maybe Mr Wonderful will be accessing help on here years from now, as history repeats itself who knows.
Thanks.

[Pedro]

Hi onelittleladybug.

I dare not to hope even 0.00% as my heart will not be able to take it when she does confirm she's permanent with once she comes back at end of July. Am doing everything Heratandwhole, Skip & others have advised/suggested in terms of myself. Just ex gf with BPD gives conflicting signs/language/body language/gestures. I don't think her bf would be happy if he knew she was telling me she loves me, she misses me when she goes to work away for 4 days at a time, or wants to take me places, hold my hands like we used to do.

I'm dealing with me, will need to get legal advice on how to divide profits what's her entitlement on our house/home. Me look for another property to buy. Yes romantically it would be great she comes back from TX end of July & it hasn't worked out, but that happens in the films or to other people not me though.

Thanks again for your insight.

[onelittleladybug]

Letting go is really healthy and powerful for you. A side effect of that is that it makes you more attractive but that shouldnt be the focus point.

Its really great that you are focusing on you and not them.

Give yourself the credit you deserve. Many people would give into anger and bitterness and be unable to show kindness and compassion to the ex. It doesnt matter if the advice is coming from someone else, you are the one acting on it.

I can't help how I'm made.

Actually you can You can work on improving yourself, turning weaknesses into strengths.

Ten years ago the person I thought was my soulmate left me and moved 1000 miles away. I was so heartbroken I couldnt get out of bed for weeks. Since then I sincerely believe that broken hearts get bigger when they heal. I have never since felt broken like that and somehow I know that I never will. Healing took a long time. The thing that helped me most was words: I printed out quotes and put everywhere, on my nightstand, on the bathroom mirror, kept in my pocket, on the fridge... .Etc.

"Lights will guide you home"
"You create what you focus on" (meaning what you put your attention to grows)
"Anything can happen and it will"

In hindsight I had opportunities to get back together but I was too wounded and angry to take them. I have evidence and believe he never really let go, but I did eventually.

IMO (based on reading your posts) you are handling things a lot better than I did back then. In terms of parting gracefully, kindly and without burning bridges.

I dont know if this will help you at all. I just hope it does. Theres a lesson in every painful thing we go through and finding it is the magical part. Its not easy but you can use this experience to grow.

[Pedro]

I appreciate what you have said, but i am 46 years of age & didn't reckon this. Our house & home that we lovingly restored for 5 years is going, been in a relationship for 6 years almost. neither of us entered this relationship likely, we took our time to get to know each other. We have both made a lot of sacrificies for each other to get where we are now.  I am bitter, angry upset, twisted but i'm choosing not to talk about it.
I'm letting go because i don't have a choice, she is moving on, won't do Therapy or Counselling, or least attempt it.  She knows she has my support/commitment 100% if she wants to, but no my replacement  will be put through what i'm being put through. Her ex husband left her (as far as i know). I'm the only partner rather ex who has been willing to support her through psychotherapy intervention nobody else. Well her problem with him now. Let him pick up the emotional, physical, psychological, & unwavering unconditional partner loving vacuum slack now i'm not it anymore?  You can bring a horse to the pond but you can't make it drink from it.  She won't even discuss her illness both when we were together or even now we have separated. She tells me she loves me, misses me, wishes she could get past me reaching out to an ex via email for advice/support because i had nobody & i mean nobody else to talk to. That's not bloody fair, so yeah i'm pissed, angry, upset, annoyed, bitter, twisted, but i'm moving on in my own car crash way.
When she has finally moved home then i can greive & i dont exagerate saying greive, because that is how i feel yet the person is still there & alive. I lost my Dad 18 years ago suddenly & unexpectedly so i know what bereavement feels like.
Sorry.

[Pedro]

Feeling depressed & miserable last night & today. Back home after spending 2 nights at my mums house. Gets in Ex gf BPD has come from tattoo parlour after being lay there for 4 hours of treatment. So she goes straight to bed feeling un well & in pain. She has a lots of tattoos done so far this year. She only had a relatively small amount done till start of this year. Had dozens of small ones done since January. I wonder if this is her newish compulsion or addiction?
I get up this morning & have to go into our old bedroom to get some clothes for work. She was put out because I didn't compliment her on her new tattoo or her newly dyed hair colour. Well I didn't like either but kept my mouth shut. Then she was complaining of pain from tat, so yes being the ex caretaker caregiver nurturer that I was had to get her analgesia & milk & anti inflammortarys. She wants hugs & reassurance but don't really want to do it. I compliment her on her hair, & she gives me a big hug from her bed, greaaaatt? Still doing the care taking care giver nurturer as an ex. Without getting into JADE mode I want to say Mr Wonderful should be doing this.

[onelittleladybug]

I appreciate what you have said, but i am 46 years of age & didn't reckon this. Our house & home that we lovingly restored for 5 years is going, been in a relationship for 6 years almost.

Im 44. Ive been through a few break ups in my life. Usually it feels like that was my last chance at love. By now I know its not true, its just a feeling not a fact. If this is the end you will find love again. But there is nothing wrong with wanting and trying to hold onto and improve things with this one.

I am bitter, angry upset, twisted but i'm choosing not to talk about it.

It probably would do you good to talk about it, however stay on your current path of not talking to HER about it.

I'm letting go because i don't have a choice, she is moving on, won't do Therapy or Counselling, or least attempt it.  She knows she has my support/commitment 100% if she wants to, but no my replacement  will be put through what i'm being put through.

Are you seeing a therapist yourself? You have mentioned a few times that you have battled severe depression in your life. I can tell you its not easy to live with a depressed person because Ive been there. I recently told my pwBPD that his condition was more serious than my ADHD. That was a very big mistake that I paid for dearly, besides a couple of weeks later I could see and understand the problems with that attitude of mine. Lately I have been focusing on working on me, and things are improving in my r/s with pwBPD.

She won't even discuss her illness both when we were together or even now we have separated.

A couple months ago I really just wanted my pwBPD to see the light and go to therapy. I told him its as logical as going to the doctors when youre sick. And then I started spending more time in this forum, reading all the new posts every day. Slowly I began to see the stigma around this. In this forum just in the past couple hrs some members have called pwBPD's: Cold, unreasonable, illogical, childish, crazy making, dark, selfish, opportunists, users. Thats just highlights from 2 recent posts.

There is stigma around both Adhd and Depression, as well as any mental issue you can name. But not like this. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

With that in mind try putting yourself in their shoes not just your pwBPD but any pwBPD, and then ask yourself how motivated you would be to accept a label that has all these judgments attached to it? This is a question I asked myself and I found myself much more able to understand my pwBPD's reluctance to accept treatment for this condition.

She tells me she loves me, misses me, wishes she could get past me reaching out to an ex via email for advice/support because i had nobody & i mean nobody else to talk to. That's not bloody fair, so yeah i'm pissed, angry, upset, annoyed, bitter, twisted, but i'm moving on in my own car crash way.

I think its more likely than not she will eventually get over it. I understand how hard it is to have no one to talk to. You have us now, the bpdfamily community. I know its not the same as real life but its something, its a beginning and you can and will find more of that if you reach out and let it happen.

When she has finally moved home then i can greive & i dont exagerate saying greive, because that is how i feel yet the person is still there & alive. I lost my Dad 18 years ago suddenly & unexpectedly so i know what bereavement feels like.
Sorry.

I know how much it hurts   Its very hard to go through. But the only way is through. We are here for you.

She has a lots of tattoos done so far this year. She only had a relatively small amount done till start of this year. Had dozens of small ones done since January. I wonder if this is her newish compulsion or addiction?

Obviously I cant speak for her. I can only offer my insight: I got my 2 tattoos when going through something catastrophic in life. A memento of surviving hard times and great loss. This is something Ive seen other friends do too. I wouldnt dismiss it as obsession or addiction, there is a deeper meaning to it. To me its a sign she is going through something big. Or she is going through mid life crisis, but thats another label that can be deeply invalidating so I want to be careful with that.

[Pedro]

Hello onelittleladybug.
Thank you for your insight, support, education & advice. I am sorry for venting my spleen at you & others earlier in the week. I'm only human, I've got a few heads going on simultaneously at the mo. I've only one heart, it's broken, I'm broken mentally & physically as I noted when I first started commenting here. I have supported exgf BPD, my youngest brother with depression & gambling addictions, my mother with severe depression & relatively poor physical health.  Supporting them before I met my ex gf then all three simultaneously for 6 years till April this year when she ended things between us.
Not knowing about BPD & how to support partners with BPD, setting boundary's, not doing JADE, living with FOG, & walking on eggshells, living in fear for her that her self harming would escalate into overdoses or suicide.

My sister lives in Eire with her family a day's travel away, & my other brother lives in Qatar with his family also a day's travel away. So there has been no extended family/relatives or friends support. It's been me or nobody, sink or swim, it's what I had to do to survive.

I am on a waiting list for counselling with my employer as it is less waiting time than my local NHS.  In the past I have done CBT which has been the most effective treatment in conjunction with SSRI's medication.  Been the eldest of four children it has always fallen on me to be the mature responsible one to carry/support the rest of my family during bad times.  All through my life I was sixteen when I was first aware of my depression, I ran away from home, I took my first overdose of analgesia at 18-19?, another one in my early 20's, & again in my early 30's. I now have an impaired liver function as a consequence.

I put my Mum & late Dad through hell as an older teenager, young adult, because neither myself nor them fully understood my condition. In the mid eighties & nineties the stereotype of the British "Stiff Upper Lip" prevailed. Mental health was brushed under the carpet & not talked about. I so wish I was a US citizen because you as a nation are so much more clued up, aware & pro-active in treatment & management.

I know I've not always been the easiest person to be around especially when younger, mood swings, social avoidance, lack of motivation & energy. Yet despite all this I've done battle most days. I want Tenacity or Tenacious carved on my headstone whenever I do pass to the next life.

To get back to my ex gf with BPD, I understand more now through yourselves where she is coming from in terms of her thought processes, the level & intensity of her emotions & fears especially abandonment, shame and  embarrassment. The frustrating the mostly is she will not even acknowledge that I am now more empathetic to her condition, am more understanding of her condition & happy to give unwavering support as I would be more selfish in terms of taking better care of myself, taking time out for me to do things, being more selfish, as I know she will never be to do that for me, I get it now.  But she refuses to discuss it period.

I genuinely hope & pray that her current relationship fails, just for my own selfish reasons to reconcile, but I know that will not happen, I know I'm not a mind reader but I know we will not.  Over the last couple of months I have been taking a new medication which is having good results, I'm a bit positive in myself, have more energy as I'm now  doing running exercise as I used to do

She has noticed how positive I seem, she tells me how she hears me laughing when she's in bed if I'm watching something funny on TV. She's pleased & envious (her words) on my weight loss & how healthier I look.  Since separating in the last 6 weeks, we have done more things going out/ restaurant meals/ hotel stays, running events tattoo conventions than we did in the last 12 months as a couple. It's been fun & happy fun mostly.  She says "if I had been on my new medication earlier in the relationship, then I wouldn't have been unhappy & reaching out to an ex via emails for advice/support because she couldn't/wouldn't". Also she said during our meal the day after her half marathon last Sunday "she wished we could have sorted out our differences if she wasn't now involved with somebody else".

So again I hope everybody here is getting a better insight to my frustrations. "It's my fault we separated because of my poor mental health leading to me reaching out to an ex, not her condition playing it's part"?

[Pedro]

Yet she gives you that little ray of sunshine/glimmer of hope by saying "IF YOU WERE DOING BETTER




She gives you a glimmer of hope/ray of sunshine by saying "if you were doing better sooner with your anti-depressants then maybe you wouldn't have got to the point you did by reaching out to her", and had I not met somebody else then perhaps we still could have been together".  When we're out & about in a major city walking & she grabs your hand holds it affectionately like only people do when they're in a relationship who show affection in public like we always did. When she gives you affectionate close hugs prolonged, tells you she loves you & misses you when she is about to leave for trips away with work.  Stands naked in front you discussing her day at work or asking me about mine.  When she has a meltdown implosion episode & wants your reassurance big hugs. When she's feeling poorly, wants to be taken care of with meds, love & affection empathy & compassion, & I foolishly do it, but she doesn't knock me back.  When we've had the most fun in the last 6 weeks doing stuff together we didn't do in last 12 months as a couple & being happy stress free guilt free it's amazing.  She has this generous heart where she wants to pay for your tattoo, treat you to meals, boy that's frustration folks all the while she's in a relationship.

[patientandclear]

Pedro, she's really in two relationships: one with you, based on living together and years of shared experience, and one with this new at a distance guy whom she barely knows. The connection with him could be alleviating her anxiety about you, and/or she may be staying with you long enough to relieve her anxiety about launching off into new connections.

That's what SHe is doing. You get to decide how you interact with a woman who is self-proclaimed in a new relationship. You don't have to continue to play the same role you were. As it stands she loses nothing by handling things in this way.

[Pedro]

Thanks for clarifying that for me patientandclear.

[Pedro]

Well one of our 4 cats, or rather one of our babies or kids was put to sleep today due to kidney related problems & being an old cat.  Because neither of us wanted children these cats truly are our children. This cat has been part of my life for 6 years. We support animal charities & think more of animals & pets than we do of many horrible humans on this planet.
Ex gf BPD asked me to make arrangements with the vet as she couldn't because it's too painful & traumatic for her. I did all of that & stayed with her in the consulting room as the medication was administered.
She asked me to support her through this today as she didn't want to do it alone.  She kept thanking for being there for her as she has never had to have a pet euthanized before. I know it was going to be tough for her today & was happy to do that for her.  Afterwards she kept hugging me & kissing me but I said there was no need to.
Shortly after passing she starts to implode into a mini episode saying "it's not fair, I can't cope with this, we have 3 other cats, I want them to live forever".
Talk about lows & highs of emotions arriving home 10 minutes after leaving the vet's, she compliments me how good I look in a pair of jeans she once bought me & kept looking me up & down from head to toe. I didn't respond I've just been a silent support today while we grieve one of our cat's passing.

[AnuDay]

Whats going on here Pedro?
Is she cheating on you living in the same house? 
Im going through the same thing.

[heartandwhole]

Pedro,

I'm very sorry to hear about your beloved cat's passing. That is very sad and painful. 

How have you been doing today?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hello Anuday & heartandwhole,
Thanks Anuday, no ex gf BPD is not cheating on me, we are officially separated but we live in the same house which I own but we have lived together 5.5 years. Neither of us can afford to move out so we cohabit respecting each other's space and privacy as reasonable as possible. I cheated via email a few months ago reaching out to an ex who is a nurse for advice and support because my ex gf BPD wouldn't talk or seek treatment so I'm dumped as if the last 6 years didn't exist. Yes I'm guilty but I was in a desperate place, wasn't allowed to talk bout it because she was ashamed n embarrassed by her behaviour and I didn't know about how to be with someone who has BPD. My ex gf BPD is having a long distance relationship via Skype email texts etc till they meet up in July, hence the title of this thread.
Hi heartandwhole as you may have read on previous post we are both animal pet lovers . Our 4 now 3 cats are our baby's children family members as neither of us wanted children so absolutely gutted over yesterday.  So ex has headed off for 4 day away trip with her employer like she did last month. Asked me this time could she borrow my car as its a faster comfier car to drive than hers.
She tells me she loves me, hugs me tells me she's gonna miss me like last time around. She ran me a bath this morning to have when I woke up for work this morning, she the radio/cd player to my favourite radio channel on her car for when u got in it this morning, she doesn't like the channel herself , I rarely drive her car so I know she's done it for me. These little things she never did when we were a couple.
She sat with me for 5 minutes on the couch last night put my arm around put her head into my chest we just sat there & didn't say anything. Trying to move on heartandwhole but it's bloody hard especially if you read all the information I put following our trip/getaway to the running festival. She gives you just a little ray of hope/optimism; but then now spends more time than ever on Skype to Wonderful. Thanks for asking

[Pedro]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

[heartandwhole]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

Hi Pedro,

I think that's a fair assessment. The "pull" cycle is wanting closeness, the "push" cycle is creating distance. Too much closeness can cause fear of abandonment (and/or engulfment). Too much distance, the same.

We have a helpful thread on this here:

What does it mean, "push/pull"?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Thanks heartandwhole.

Good day to all staff & member users.

[AnuDay]

Would I be correct to interpret the things gestures things she says nice little things she does for me as push/pull cycle?

Well, I'm in a very similar situation.  To me it seems as if I'm being kept out on the wing just in case her new relationship doesn't work out which so far it looks like it isn't. 

Although I have experienced the push pull cycle which is very confusing for me, I think in your case it is pure emotional abuse.  The sooner you two can physically separate the better.  And you will need counseling. 

I find pwBPD to be rather cruel at times.

[Pedro]

Hi AnuDay,

I have been working closely here as much as World Wide Web allows you to with Skip & heartandwhole. I have tried to reconcile, I have taken on board all the advice they have given me in terms of looking after myself, doing things for myself, discovering who I am. I have read a lot of the literature available here and buying books.
If I appear desperate waiting for her to come back to me then I am not. I have accepted it's over. I am working on myself, being more selfish when she is around the house, not rudely but polite refusals said numerous times even 2 weeks ago, she asked me 4 times to go to a tattoo parlour, she was put out but she doesn't control me now. Her condition dictated things in the relationship & I allowed it because I didn't understand her illness. I was doing JADE & FOG because I didn't understand about validating/invalidating, setting boundarys, taking care of me better. I am guilty of continuing her illness by giving her unconditional love, reassurance compassion care. I challenged her about her traits to seek therapy/counselling but to no avail.
I'm not ranting here or defending her I'm just putting it in black & white at face value how she is & my part in the relationship.
When we separated I cancelled my annual leave at work for the recent running festival we attended. She asked me a few weeks ago that I've still booked the time off to go with her? I said no I had cancelled it. She got upset but when I explained the rationale why I did it then she was ok with it. So when I rebooked time off 2nd time to go (which sounds hypocritical) I wanted to do an official race for myself as I am doing things for myself.
She has blocked me on FB but I am close to her parents & love them like they were my own parents, have not blocked them as am leaving it as an avenue of communication for her & them. I won't do tit for tat behaviour, just trying to be mature respectful person, her family did nothing wrong.
Last week she said your still coming to support me with a series of runs that's she doing over 4 continuous days in 2 weeks time? Well these are things I agreed to do as a couple, but not readily separated. She got annoyed when I refused to book the time off for them. My annual leave days are precious & im saving them for when I want to take them. I will support her early evenings when I've finished work on my way home, but she is slowly understanding that I don't drop everything immediately to be or do what she wants. It's ironic now I'm doing the things now we're separated that had I known should have been doing in the relationship but that's life.
It's not easy cohabiting but I am moving on, it's not healthy for her newish relationship that she says & does the things with me. It's my birthday this month, she wants to get me a card & gift, & take me out for a meal but I've politely refused numerous times. It's good for me I can stand up to her now without fear of tantrums meltdowns implosive episodes but still helping her to a limited degree if necessary thanks to BPD Family.
Good luck with what you are going through right now.

[Pedro]

I'm not a betting man but at some point in future I feel that her new beau will access this family here or similar because maybe he won't cope or deal with her. It's very unlikely she will embrace or attemp any therapy. I don't say
That maliciously just being frank and honest. I sincerely hope he or her stumble across what will be my historical posts, so at least they'll see what devastation occurs.

[Skip]

She got annoyed when I refused to book the time off for them. My annual leave days are precious & im saving them for when I want to take them. I will support her early evenings when I've finished work on my way home, but she is slowly understanding that I don't drop everything immediately to be or do what she wants. It's ironic now I'm doing the things now we're separated that had I known should have been doing in the relationship but that's life.

You are doing all you can do and you are doing it pretty well. It's a fine line to walk and you stumbled a few times, but you have gotten increasingly better.

I think you've painted a good picture for her that you care about her, that you can handle extreme emotional challenge with maturity, that you respect yourself (your not coaching her in her new relationship) and that you still respect her but are not her faithful dog.

What's next?

Does she have her travel booked? Is she coming back after her trip in July or is it one way?

[Pedro]

Hello Skip, thank you for your comments.

For myself at least I feel I have made some progress.  I took on board completely what you livednleaned, heartandwhole & others have advised, considered and educated myself to. I know I needed to do these things immediately for my own sanity at least which I have been doing & will continue to do for some time to come.
Yes no more faithful loyal dog, mothering her, I have kicked myself up my own butt. Started to live life again, doing things for me. Can't say I'm being selfish completely, but am putting me first, supporting my family reasonably, and do consider 1 or 2 invites to occasionally do things together with ex gf BPD.  I refuse to get into or play this best mate/friends role she wanted me to do & implied so, not happening.
She has booked a return ticket to TX as she cannot leave her job immediately as she has significant commitments to her job & financially here also.
I know in my heart of hearts that she will go home completely, maybe all her idealizations & whatever potential psychological & emotional creation she has made of Mr Wonderful will be reaffirmed once they meet in the real.
In the 1% odds that I give us of reconciling I would hypothetically be better prepared mentally to use the tools I have learned, not being scared of using boundaries, taking time away if she has any future implosions/meltdown.  I understand the illness a lot more, I know it would not be easy, I know now I would have to do the role of caretaker, caregiver, nurturer, brick wall of support, & now knowing her limitations of who & what she is as a human being within the context of having the BPD condition.
Yes she could more to help herself if she considered Therapy/Counselling. This is all hypothetical & I don't hold out hope of this happening but at least I would be better prepared.

Thanks Skip & others.

[Skip]

I know in my heart of hearts that she will go home completely, maybe all her idealizations & whatever potential psychological & emotional creation she has made of Mr Wonderful will be reaffirmed once they meet in the real.

Not to give false hope, but most of these don't work out. They go a couple of rounds and are down. The problem with LDR is what would take a month in real life can take a year to play out in an LDR.

In the 1% odds that I give us of reconciling I would hypothetically be better prepared mentally to use the tools I have learned, not being scared of using boundaries, taking time away if she has any future implosions/meltdown. 

This will help you in life, no matter what direction you go.

[Pedro]

Hi Skip,
Thanks I don't have any hope whatsoever for a reconciliation. I'm not being negative or pessimistic, just getting on life one day at a tome, I would be setting myself for a fall, but the conflicting positive & negative comments, actions and behaviours does push you to your limits and beyond. It's human nature not to think or feel to some extent that you may reunite, but I cannot allow myself that luxury.
Thanks.

[Skip]

When a women is done, it is not like this. They are done.

She is conflicted.

[Pedro]

Well I am moving on, cannot allow another heartbreak again.
Thanks Skip.

[AnuDay]

There are some valid points here.  LDRs don't work.  You never know until you meet. 
Your wife does sound conflicted. 
We are in the exact same boat Pedro.  I have not done half the research that you have done.  I do know that our women have very poor executive functioning abilities and she probably can't see the forest from the trees.  She is also being very cruel about everything.  This causes you to feel a great deal of resentment towards her.  Who in their right mind would want to sit and wait around for a woman like this to come to their senses?  I am trying very hard to get my pwBPD back, because I know she's in serious trouble.  Her family knows that she's in trouble too.  But if I can't get her back I have plans without her that I am making.  We have to be prepared for anything at this point.  I watch her very closely because my pwBPD is very secretive. 

[Pedro]

Thanks AnuDay,

Sorry to correct you but ex gf BPD is ex partner of almost 6 years is not my wife unfortunately. Thank you for your feedback. Am getting slowly stronger & more positive day by day, being selfish putting me first. I do not have children to consider as you do & I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a broken immediate family unit to consider. My thoughts & best wishes whatever outcome you arrive at.
Good luck.
Pedro