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Author Topic: We'll see how this plays out after she has seen Mr Wonderful in person in July  (Read 1627 times)
Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« on: May 19, 2017, 02:15:17 AM »

Morning all,
Just a feeling a sense of sadness & feel like she is moving further & further away even though we live i. The same house. I feel & think now she is totally encapsulated & besotted with her new love & life she has not yet experienced in real life. My ex hates dentists & always asked me to go with her to appointments previously, as she has an extraction appointment this morning. Left her a written note saying 'am proud of you today at the Dentist's'. Am holding your hand in spirit whilst you're there'. Also added that 'you can text me as little or as much as you & I'll always b there if you need me okay? It's pathetic isn't it?
Yesterday morning long before she had her rant at me last night, she invited out for lunch in a couple of weekend's time, and she would like us both to go to another tattoo convention in August when she returns from her trip/holiday home in July. We'll see how that August day plays out after she has seen Mr Wonderful in the real in July first, her mindset maybe completely different after then?
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Skip
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« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2017, 08:58:28 AM »

This is a difficult situation... .

Part of what is going on is that she has you and she is trying to win him... .In a round-a-bout way, you are helping her transition. She has very little loss.

You have made a lot of progress in advancing from "making matters worse" to being more "attractive".  But like many things, there is a fine line between being attractive and being a doormat. You are trying to walk that fine line. It's hard.

I think, if you stand back, its best to make it look (and be) like this:

  • you are strong - if she doesn't want this relationship, you have confidence that there are others who would. I'm not suggesting you say this to anyone but yourself. It's true, build yourself up, stand tall;
  • be fun and confident when the two of you are together in a give and take situation;
  • don't be a golden retriever (unconditional love) - when she is on the phone or having a happy party with her phone mate - leave the house and go have some fun; Don't "mother" her at any level;
  • start doing independent fun things - hard I know - but go to a dance - get on a dating site (have some chats) - do moving on things

I hope this helps. Be a great guy guy. Be a confident guy. Start moving on (this will get her attention) and don't reverse that if she sweet talks you (only if she drops the phone mate). Be great fun when you are doing things together. It's a hard line to walk for sure.

Does that help?

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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2017, 08:59:07 AM »

Hi Pedro,

What a touching note from your niece. You are so loved 

The pain we feel from loss is SO excruciating and I remember now how physical it felt, almost like having the flu at times.

I don't think it's pathetic that you are being kind to her. There are no manuals to tell us how to handle these situations and your relationship with J is complex and changing daily.

And as heartandwhole has pointed out, there is no certainty to any of this. Altho there is probably more uncertainty with Mr. Never Met. I know that is small comfort now while you are hurting so much, feeling her become more and more distant.

Use this time to keep learning about BPD, like you are already doing. The skills will help to rebuild your emotional strength and can be used in other relationships, romantic or otherwise. What a BPD loved one can teach you about yourself is immeasurable and life-changing 

LnL

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Pedro
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« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2017, 10:36:14 AM »

Thanks Skip & livednlearned.

Excellent insight from yourselves.
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Pedro
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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2017, 09:24:44 AM »

Hey all.

Having a more positive weekend than the week mostly.  Have started running exercise again last weekend as I used to do regularly before I became depressed in the last 12-18 months. Up & out early doors 7-8am.  Told ex I'm going on my own.  Yesterday she begged to come with me, wouldn't let her go as I'm trying to do things for myself, move on more positive etc. She did not like it.  However when I came in from run she had run a bath for me containing Epsom salts so I could soak my sore limbs & joints.  She set out clean towels for me, made me a coffee for me when I walked through the door, she never liked making my coffees when we were a couple as she didn't drink hot drinks herself.  All these things she rarely did for me when we were a couple, it mostly always did this.
We give our cats rightly or wrongly (bad for them) a pea size smear of mayonnaise every day off our fingertips as a treat. Did this for our cats, then she said where's mine? 'Pardon' I said, 'where's mine she said'?  So I squeeze some from the bottle & put it on my clean fingertip, & she slowly sucks & licks it off my finger in a sexual & suggestive way. Unbelievable I am thinking to myself.  I kiss her on her neck which she always loved then I stopped. I was on my way out of the house to do some things I had planned, then she says gently I love you.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2017, 09:34:08 AM »

This is a good example of how being strong (e.g. going for a run by yourself) led to increasing attraction (e.g. she drew a bath for you).

Interesting that you did one thing (e.g. went for a run on your own) and she did four things in return (1) Epsom bath, (2) made you coffee, (3) sucked mayo off your finger, and (4) said she loved you.

Pretty good returns  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Pedro
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2017, 10:18:30 AM »

Hey livednlearned.
Goes out for a run again this morning, she begged & begged & begged until I couldn't say know anymore so I let her run with me. Whilst out running she tells me she will be going home to Tx USA, as she wants to be near parents (getting older/infirm etc) as I have mentioned previously. Dagger In my heart but didn't let her see or hear me react just pleasantly acknowledged what she said. No mention of Mr Wonderful but he'll be part of the plan I'm sure? All big change from 2 weekends ago when relocating to other part of England, USA partner relocating to England etc. Practically it makes sense from her to move 'home', he doesn't have to move here, her family there.  But then when running she says 'I want you to come over & visit me when I move home'?  I acknowledge what she said but didn't give her an answer. Yeah I'm really going to visit her & her me replacement when she moves home, not?
Then I'm talking about wanting to compete in a 5km run or even half marathon later on this year. Again trying to be positive get fit move on from her etc. She wants to enter me into a race coming up in the near future. I appreciate the gesture & she wants to help me train, but I want to do this on my own.
She says 'I'm going to miss running with you when I'm home in TX' in July when she visits her parents.
When out running today she says she want to visit a zoo in the North West region of England one weekend. Well we both love, care for as pets, & support animal charities where we can. Our first date 6 years ago was at a zoo, she knows this when she's mentioning it today. I've been promising to take her to this other main zoo in North West England for last 2 years, but with working on our house & home in our free time, it's not been practically possible.
Also I know she putting out feelers to see how I'll respond to see  if I'm available  I guess?
This is such a contrasting message I've written from the immediate previous one      I posted. Tragic but true for both of us, such a shame, but that's life.
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Pedro
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2017, 01:04:55 PM »

Forgot to add ex g BPD wants my pet name for her  & which has no meaning to her BPD I'm not that sick, actually relates to a late English football player tattoos on her neck/back even though she's moving home. Didn't question he rationale just said okay that's nice.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2017, 03:52:10 PM »

Hi Pedro,
Also I know she putting out feelers to see how I'll respond to see  if I'm available  I guess?

Sounds like lots of feelers to me.    Funny how the "plan" seems to have radically changed in a relatively short time. Sorry I've forgotten: does the other man live in TX, too?

heartandwhole
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Pedro
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« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2017, 04:08:16 PM »

Good evening heartandwhole.

Yep Mr Wonderful lives in Houston, her parents live in Dallas Fort Worth. According to her 2.5 hours travel away from his place to her parents. Do you see my frustration from the 2 main posts I put out on the 21st May, along with I'm moving home but I still want your pet name for me tattooed on her neck/top of her back/shoulders? It's like multiple personality's I'm experiencing? I don't know if these are traits associated with BPD.  When she was sincere genuine on Saturday doing the special/kind things then does a 180-360 degrees turn around yesterday? So hard to deal with keep  a cool head?
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« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2017, 01:53:26 AM »

Good evening heartandwhole.

Do you see my frustration from the 2 main posts I put out on the 21st May, along with I'm moving home but I still want your pet name for me tattooed on her neck/top of her back/shoulders? It's like multiple personality's I'm experiencing? I don't know if these are traits associated with BPD.  When she was sincere genuine on Saturday doing the special/kind things then does a 180-360 degrees turn around yesterday? So hard to deal with keep  a cool head?

Yes, I do see your frustration, and know that I would feel the same. In fact, I DID feel the same when pwBPD seemed to want and need me the most right after he said he couldn't be with me (for the 3rd, 4th? time). It's very tough. That 180Ëš turn was the hardest for me to handle, because then I started distrusting the 360Ëš, if that makes sense.

This is part of the disorder, in my opinion. People with BPD feel that whatever they are feeling in the moment is fact. The instability of emotions is also a common feature.  The back and forth is hard to deal with, but you are doing really well. When she gets back from seeing him in July, things make look very different.

Do you think you can keep going as you have been until then?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2017, 02:15:47 AM »

Good morning heartandwhole,
Firstly I am sorry you lost your ex partner in the cycle or circumstances you experience.
SECONDLY PLEASE DONATE THOSE OF US THAT CAN.
I don't think I will ever fully understand BPD & its manifestations can be slightly different to each individual  that experiences it. I will be able to tolerate it right up till the day she returns from the US at the end of July. My mindset will be to prepared as reasonably as possible for her decision to return home. Maybe if he isn't as Mr Wonderful as she thinks, once he's seen in the real, her ideal & what is actually real in person maybe 2 different things, but her distorted actual may make her still pursue him.
But I am doing all I can as you, Skip, livednlearned & others have advised, I am doing all in my powers to look after me rediscover me, make my that attractive funny guy she fell for, read & learn so much about BPD & if 1% chance we reconcile I would be better placed to look after me set boundaries, understand her thinking better, & enjoy have a better happier more fulfilling relationship that we should have had.
Thanks.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2017, 09:58:54 AM »

I don't think I will ever fully understand BPD & its manifestations can be slightly different to each individual  that experiences it.

I share this with you, Pedro. I sometimes feel I get BPD and then other times feel it is a true puzzle.

It helps me to think about my BPD loved one as someone who suffers intense (extreme) emotional pain-states pretty regularly, if not all the time, and these mood states overpower rational thinking. She does anything she can to try and soothe this pain. Unfortunately, her coping skills are not effective and can make things worse for her and for friends & family.

I suspect your BPD loved one is using Mr. Wonderful to soothe the pain she feels from her primary relationship, which is you. This is probably not clear to her. We can only hope that she will recognize what she is giving up when she experiences the reality of her choice -- traveling to Tx. Right now, she has created a scenario in which abandonment is minimized because there are two men supporting her emotionally.

The facts like heartandwhole mention are emotional. Her actions are driven by pain relief -- we do not often see the rationale because we look for logical explanation for behavior that is driven almost entirely by powerful emotions, particularly fear and sadness.

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Pedro
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« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2017, 01:25:56 PM »

Hi livednlearned.
Again thank you for your insight into my/our current circumstances. Whilst we were a couple I politely asked my ex numerous to seek an opinion on possible counselling and or therapy.  I didn't know about BPD during this relationship & I feel some responsibility for the position I found myself.  My ex's parents know about her condition but never let me know. Maybe and I respect it that it wasn't their place to let me know about their daughter. As she is an adult it is her own decision to let me know about her mental health history.  Whenever we returned  from visiting her parents 3times over 6 years approximately, at Dallas Fort Worth airport on the way back to England, her Mum would always say 'please look after my *****'?  Well I tried my very best but I feel like I let them down also.

On a slightly different note my ex asked me to attend a half marathon event in North West England staying in the same hotel for 2 days different rooms.  Have booked Friday off as a holiday day to travel there, but I mentioned to her that I plan to go into the city near to where we live alone to do some clothes shopping, & treat myself to some lunch.  She begged, begged & pleaded to come with me but I refused. She got annoyed & upset with me.  When we were a couple we would go into the city every 4-6 weeks during the day at weekends, having lunch, haircuts, clothes shopping, walking around parts of the city appreciating the old Victorian architecture & buildings.

Just asked my brother to mind our home & feed the cats for a couple of days whilst we are away and he is disgusted that I am even going to this event with her.  He & the rest of my immediate family do not like the way she has treated me in terms of ending the relationship, how it has affected me in terms of being the caretaker, nurturer, supporting giving it my all to her, yet when I was depressed in the last 12-18months, they felt she could have done more.  Without getting into a massive conversation about the dynamics of my ex relationship with a person with BPD. She supported me in other ways in terms of getting our home refurbished & decorated. I don't have the stomach to try & explain the complexities of a relationship with a partner with BPD. I know they love me & are looking out for me & trying to protect me from any further pain & heartache. Without them reading literature website based information such as which your charity here supports, they think I am trying to defend the indefensible which I am not.  They are not happy how I am dropped after 6 years, I understand that.  I accept things are over, trying to move on day at a time. I am only at a basic level trying to educate them my family what I experienced in the relationship without going into too much detail. It's about trying to make them see somebody has a mental health illness, but I also recognise my ex could have sought treatment but chose not to, & I decided to continue with that outcome. I understand my family having my best interests at heart & seeing their Son & Brother unhappy, hurt & upset, but I am an adult who has full mental capacity to make decisions & I made the decision to stay in the relationship. (Maybe the site moderator thinks this should be a new thread or not)?
Thanks for reading everybody.
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Pedro
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« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2017, 02:18:19 AM »

Congratulations Mr Wonderful Houston.

I accept defeat. You've won. (This is me accepting to myself so I can get my head around the outcome now of what will be when My ex returns from TX at the end of July).

Return home here from staying at my Mum's house for the last few nights whilst looking after her also. Am cleaning the dishes & My ex comes downstairs from having her bath & gives me a massive hug, so I reciprocate like a jerk as usual but this time she hugs me hard & tight for welt felt like the best part of 2 minutes & tells me how excited she is about us travelling to another part of North West England for the 5k, 10k, half marathon weekend.  So we will be way together for 2 days in the same hotel, my brother is minding the cats for us under duress as he hates the idea of us going away now as I commented on in my previous post.

So she's still on Skype to him for hours at a time, I woke up to go to the bathroom at 4.30 am this morning & she's on Skype to him again, (6 hours behind us time zone).  Sorting out clothes to pack for the weekend in our old bedroom, & the 'I love you' greetings card has resurfaced to the bedside table GREATTT!

On the outside I will continue to practice what Skip, Heartandwhole, Livednlearned & others have advised/suggested to try & save the relationship, but privately I will accept it is over (it's not bloody fair but life isn't fair is it)? Hey people I keep taking the sucker punches good old Pedro that's me.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #15 on: May 26, 2017, 08:40:04 AM »

Sorry people for being pitiful, selfish feeling sorry for myself.  Committed to going to this running convention for this weekend. Ex & I booked this hotel late last year when still a couple, but I chose to go this weekend so will, but having heard what ex has said today, I won't do any further things together.

 When we were in the car doing some clothes shopping before travelling today she says "see we can be friends can't we, we're doing okay", & pats my leg whilst I'm driving.  I say "I can't & I don't want to talk about it okay"?  She then asks "are you coming over to TX to visit me  when I move home there"?  I say "I can't because you have will have your life & your partner once you're settled there.  Because of the way I feel about you I can't visit you as friends", plus I hate her partner & because he has My ex.

Then she says "what I will never see or speak to you ever again, is that it"?  I said "yes".  She says "when I come over to England can we meet up"?  I say "no I don't want to meet up with you & your partner thank you".  She says "well I'll meet you on my own without my boyfriend being there"?  Again I say "no I don't want to do that because of how I feel about you okay"?

She says  "well who knows how things are going to turn out in future, it might not"?  I respond with "yes it's a strange old world, we don't always know what's going to happen, or predict the future in the grand scheme of things"?

I know in my heart of hearts once things have been finalised,  the sale of the house & she moves home to TX, I cannot stay in touch with her because of the way I feel. She didn't like that I challenged her to say no when the thinks it's okay to be friends & meet up as friends. I'm sorry everybody I'm not capable of doing that, plus I don't want to.

When we were out today she kept calling me Hun or darling, well id don't want to hear it anymore it's too painful.
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« Reply #16 on: May 26, 2017, 08:56:20 AM »

You don't have to do that, Pedro. You have every right to your feelings, and if it's too painful to continue as friends, you don't have to.   Honor what is right for you. Your ex is telling you what she wants to happen in the future, but her feelings may change -- you've been there. She would probably like everything to stay exactly as it is, but we all know it won't and can't.

I would keep doing what feels good and acceptable to you, and not focus too much on the future. Things may be very different when she comes back from TX. You are growing and changing, too. If you can, enjoy this time with her. I know it's hard.

At one point PwBPD wanted us to be roommates while he continued his relationship with his ex.   After what we had been through, I said that wouldn't work for me. You can tell her matter-of-factly what does and doesn't work for you, without a trace of anger. And if you feel angry, you can communicate that you feel angry without blaming her for it. These are skills that will serve you for the rest of your life. And you don't have to get it "right" every time. Lord knows I don't.

Hang in there. We're walking with you.  

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2017, 01:31:10 PM »

I would keep doing what feels good and acceptable to you, and not focus too much in the future. Things may be very different when she comes back from TX. You are growing and changing, too. If you can, enjoy this time with her. I know it's hard

Thanks heartandwhole.  It's so bloody frustrating I cant even enjoy this time with her because I know I wont get the outcome I want ( to reconcile).  We're in the city early this evening picking up run packs for tomorrow, & she's saying "I'm having a lovely time here with you being with you, I would have been miserable here on my own".  She goes on to say how we're going to do this and do that" i.e. going out for a nice meal, going on a boat on the harbour dock, eating ice cream in the rare warm English sun we're having right now. You know it almost feels like a date walking around the city laughing joking looking at the funny quirky things that used to always make us both laugh together, both looking at each other like we used to do her gorgeous brown eyes, kissable lips & mouth, hair clips taking her fringe off her face that she knows I always liked that look on her. We're doing everything bar holding hands & being affectionate. It's so near yet so far, a million miles away more like?
Thanks heartandwhole.
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Pedro
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« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2017, 10:17:50 PM »

Well just an update,
Thought she had altered the hotel reservation for separate rooms but she hadn't. We are sharing the same room & the same king size bed but nothing intimate is happening. We are so close yet so far. I don't think her boyfriend would be too happy if he knew?  Neither of us can sleep too well tossing & turning. She keeps asking me "what's up are you okay"? Well I can't just spurt out everything I want to say that I've shared with your good selves for the last 4 weeks can I?. She comes over to my side of the bed a couple of times pressing her head closely against mine, it's not bloody fair.  Then a few times she leaves the room to speak to her other half on the corridor time zone 6 hours difference. Greaaaaat.
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« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2017, 05:16:05 AM »

Completed my first 5km run today which I dedicate to the victims of the Manchester bombing incident.

Also here to support My ex while she completes her 2 runs this weekend.  She's been close touchy feely at the start line, holding and gently squeezing may hand, gently putting her head into mine & nuzzling my ear with her face, this affection is killing me knowing there is somebody else.  Telling me how proud she is of me & for being here with her this weekend for the running festival.  

We take some pictures of each other with our own respective cell phones, then she takes a few selfies of us both on my phone, & if she could just see how we look in the pictures, there's just genuine closeness, love from me (maybe her who knows)? This is so bloody hard to do, & part of me is deliberately doing this so in hope when she goes home in July she may reminisce & reflect of what she had & could still have?      
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« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2017, 10:51:24 AM »

Came back to hotel room after 2 hour walk around the city. Give her a break from me being in same hotel room cooped up together. Anyhow she is weeping & wailing whilst lying on the bed. I ask what's wrong. Eventually she opens up, Mr Wonderful hadnt phoned her in over 2 hours as he was supposed to. Really distressed I'm telling her not to feel a index it's okay to feel the way you do. He will call give him time etc etc. After half an hour he rings, so she's all happy now.
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Pedro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #21 on: May 27, 2017, 12:07:03 PM »

Sorry need to amend previous post. I said to ex "no feel to abandonment or abandoned, he isn't doing that he will contact you". I empathised with her, tried to challenge her thought pattern with as she was highly emotional. Sure enough he did contact her.  I really wanted it to be over between them, but that is my own selfishness coming through which isn't healthy is it? Ex has now started observing me using my laptop or iPhone more than usual.  She wants to know if I have a new girlfriend which I don't.  I tell her I am doing "stuff" for me which is private & personal to me. Yes it is about her also, but I would never tell her what is going on here on BPD family.

All I have said which I put to her & the reply which I could have got could have been anger, emotion resentment, is that "I understand how you feel & think more now which I was unable to do when we were together, & for that I am sorry Hun".  She replies I worry about you". I ask her not to worry, I'll be okay in time, in context of dealing with this breakdown. Sorry to give you all a microscopic breakdown or running commentary of what's going on here, if it's too much please let me know?
Thanks.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #22 on: May 27, 2017, 12:13:37 PM »

Pedro,

Something similar happened to me when pwBPD came to see me (in another country) and couldn't get in touch with his ex, who was in yet another country on holiday. He became upset and anxious, and I did what you did.  It's not an easy position to be in. You are handling this really well.

Don't worry about being selfish. You have a right to feel what you feel. It's natural to want your ex all to yourself. You don't have to apologize for or justify feeling that way. I hope you are extending the same empathy and kindness to yourself that you are generously giving your ex. 

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #23 on: May 27, 2017, 02:08:29 PM »

Am trying to be selfish & put me first heartandwhole but it's not naturally me but I'm trying. I know she's made me codependent & I really resent her for that after all I have done to support her. You only find this out during either a temporary separation or complete breakup. Unfortunately the reverse of my replacement me will get my ex on a permanent basis, as opposed to your ex partner with BPD. Head is preparing for that but heart will take years for that scenario. Having an alcoholic drink in the hotel bar whilst she's all loved up in her room. To be able to see somebody in meltdown this afternoon & understand better having listened & learned through yourselves here, it can comprehend now what sufferers go through, it still saddens me with everyone in the world with BPD. My ex reminded me today she is still having her pet name tattood on her neck. Enjoy explaining that to Mr Wonderful hope he likes it hahaha (sarcastic laugh) sorry sveryone.
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« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2017, 04:25:36 PM »

Well well well what a day.
Final day at the marathon festival with my ex... Walk with her to her zone near the starting line. Stand with her on the other side of the barrier to where she is. She must give me a hug not to exaggerate for over 5 minutes before race starts. Keeps holding my hands her gesture not mine, keeps thanking me for giving her motivation to do 1/2 marathon as her fitness levels are low following foot surgery this January. Keeps holding me tight right up to start of race then says out loud "I love you", I respond with same words.

After race finishes she thanks me for shouting good luck/well done messages at the finishing line. Then after collecting her medals we walk back to hotel & all the way back which is 20 minutes away she grabs my hand & holds it constantly like we used to do as a couple. Was very surprised & still now hours later don't know what to make of her behaviour.  Whilst eating a diner style meal which she insisted treating me to for the support I've given her all weekend. During the meal she wishes things were different like we used to be when we were a couple?  We have got on so well this weekend, had a lot fun. laughs & giggles at the same old quirky things that we always did. Yes we shared the same hotel bed but nothing intimately nor did I expect it to.  So an hour & half drive home it was pure bliss/heaven like we used to be.

Then reality sets in, has her bath, then stays upstairs in the bedroom catching up with Mr Wonderful for the last few hours. Ah well that's life, am proud of my own achievements in running & completing a race myself, building up my own fitness levels, & potentially longer distance race running later on in the year dependant on my own training & preparation. Doing something for me for the first time in years.
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Pedro
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Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2017, 01:49:42 AM »

So having been home for a couple of days since weekend away at running marathon I have tried to reflect on ex gf's behaviour. She continues to speak for hours every day with Mr Wonderful, but allowing ourselves to share a hotel bed all be it non Contact intimately. She grabs my hand and holds it constantly whilst walking around the city. She tells me she loves me numerous times, hugs and holds me tight for prolonged periods & kisses my neck numerous time. Calls me by pet names. It's like she lets her guard down or maybe reveals her true self and feelings when she does this, or wanting to say or do these things with Mr Wonderful, I'm a substitute till they meet up in July? . For the record she instigated all these gestures & words, she approached me without any prompting or open ended gestures from me. Very confusing?
Is she trying to see how I'll react to see if still interested? Is she devising a possible back up plan if it doesn't work out with Mr Wonderful? Is she trying to control her destiny over me keeping me interested if other things fails?
Any thoughts, thanks?
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #26 on: May 30, 2017, 06:51:09 AM »

Pedro, I have some experience with this kind of thing, too, and it IS confusing.

Is she trying to see how I'll react to see if still interested? Is she devising a possible back up plan if it doesn't work out with Mr Wonderful? Is she trying to control her destiny over me keeping me interested if other things fails?
Any thoughts, thanks?

It could be any of these reasons, or none of them. We can't get inside her head, unfortunately.  I wouldn't be surprised if she is attempting to hold on to the emotional security that you provide. She has made some pretty big plans for change. They might be making her nervous. Leaving and taking up with someone else, no matter how "wonderful," is a risk and she knows that once she leaves, you won't be around. That's a big loss looming in the future.

Have you had a conversation with her about trying to revive your relationship?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #27 on: May 30, 2017, 07:06:45 AM »

Hi heartandwhole.
I have asked her a couple of times in the last 5-6 weeks but she won't discuss it. She said when we broke up she wants to be happy again. She says she can't get past me reaching out to an ex via emails for advice because she wouldn't do use us or her BPD. She says she can't trust that I'll leave her if this other person was around but I wouldn't, I was despair ate to talk to someone and ex gf BPD wouldn't talk. I was in a desparate place but reached out to wrong person. Just done everything you Skip & others advised to try. Frustrating but that's life. Left her be, she asked me to go to tattoo shop with her yesterday but politely refused after her asking 4 times. Doing my boundaries & not agreeing to everything she wanted to do when together. When I start doing more runs half marathons she wants to start supporting me before she moves homes whenever but we'll see?
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Pedro
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #28 on: May 30, 2017, 01:40:49 PM »

Hi heartandwhole.

Thanks for your advice & insight again.  Am staying at my Mum's house for the next 3 evenings whilst my brother works away with his job. Also she had a TIA recently which is being investigated medically, so to give her reassurance I stay here when youngest brother's away every week. She's so angry with me going away for the weekend with ex gf with BPD as she wants me to move on from her.  You know I'm 46 years old & I cannot live my life as I see fit.  Between my ex gf with BPD, my 2 brothers, my mum & my sister, who want me to move on, I may as well do it & make everyone else happy? Just hypothetically say we were to reconcile, my family I feel would only tolerate my ex gf for my sake & out of respect for me. They wouldn't love or like her or spend time with her like they did in the past. So I'm in a lose lose scenario. We don't reconcile I'm miserable unhappy for years to come until I get over it, but reconcile & my family are unhappy which will bother me subconsciously?
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Pedro
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #29 on: May 30, 2017, 01:58:25 PM »


Hi heartandwhole.

Forgot to say that as much as it bothered me seeing my ex implode over the weekend when Mr Wonderful didn't ring for 2 hours past the time he was to ring her, & I was able to use my basic skills learned here, & she returned to baseline after we spoke then he rang eventually. I will not share with my ex gf the learning I have done here & support yourselves have given also. He can pick up the mantle of support & see how he fairs with her BPD condition. It will be my bloody luck that she will go down the therapy route with him?
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