Please help

[Talis]

I've separated from my fiancé
Tried for two years to cope with verbal attacks and scary behavior that fits every category of BPD, she is high functioning and has two distinct personalities one public "normal" one and one private mean and controlling and I'm the target of her rage

Feeling guilty that I failed and couldn't take it anymore, after I left asked her to get into therapy with me to take on our issues and she denies having a problem with BPD or anything else for that matter, I'm really hurting but know that without ptofessional intervention I can't go back. I'm in therapy myself and making slow progress. Any suggestions about any additional contact?

I'm very confused and feeling like I was the problem because she was so unhappy with me.

Please help


Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Talis,



I can relate with feeling confused because of the negative feedback about myself from my exuBPDw, it's not a balanced perspective, we're not all bad or all good, we're somewhere in between, a pwBPD can't see the grey area.  

Have you talked to your T about your r/s? To answer your question about contact, I guess it depends on if you're done with the r/s, if you have obligations together like kids, financial.

[SurvivingBP17]

Hi Talis,

I'm a newbie myself, so I will refrain from advice and just relay my experience.

For all of the 11 years of my marriage, my wife has also displayed the telltale symptoms of a pwBPD.  So much that she is often aware of her irrational behavior.  However, the scales that keep her in the green zone are easily tipped into the red.  And even after several admissions of having a problem, the idea of therapy seems to be akin to asking a fish to jump up onto the beach.  I believe, and others may agree, that there is a mental block that keeps them from believing they can ever be anything but dysfunctional.

For me, I have to separate my feelings from hers and recognize that despite the vicious onslaught, she is not fully in control of her emotions and actions.  I'm not sure what your therapists is telling you but the lessons portion has been a tremendous help.  For me, knowledge about pwBPD has been the antidote to MY problems living with a pwBPD.  I emphasize the MY because I have also realized that I can not control her. And that if I want to stay with her I have to be willing to accept her for her.  That stupid "for better or worse clause"  Otherwise I am simply attempting the extremely difficult task of mind control and emotional manipulation. 

Bottom line my wife has BPD.  This can make her difficult to live with.  And I ask myself, if she had cancer or was mauled by a bear, would I leave her because she became difficult to live with? Far more often than not, I am not the cause of her dysfunctional shifts. I imagine that you aren't either, but there are things you can do to help her. 

That's as real as I can be about it.  She's sick, but it's up to me whether I can live with her illness. It sucks to have to say it, but it is the reality that I live in.

Please don't feel hopeless though. Whether you stay or go, you have the power within you to make your world amazing, no matter what challenges you face. I stayed, and now I just try to help her through the storms.